CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS
by ILUVRONWEASLEY
Summary: (COMPLETE!) Hermione’s Aunt is going to Hogwarts because she needs somebody to be her ‘Guinea Pigs’, and of course, only Dumbledore is kind enough to let anybody experiment with his students (DMHG)
1. Hogwarts Express

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!!  
  
NO SPOLIERS.  
  
CHAPTER ONE: Hogwarts Express.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, trust me, I'm not J.K. You really think that I'd still be in school and writing on fanfiction.net if I were???  
  
LUCIUS IS DEAD IN MY FICCY. OKAY?  
  
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Hermione stared glumly out of the Hogwarts Express as it rattled along noisily. Harry and Ron had gone to find the sweet lady with the trolley, as they had run out of sweets. She had decided to stay here as she had already had enough sweets and was already stuffed. Harry and Ron told her she was crazy and that you couldn't get full on sweets, but she didn't care what they thought.  
  
Her breasts were of average size - actually, they were slightly on the small size - and she was pretty short. Her hair was still uncontrollably bushy but her teeth were perfectly fine (much to her relief). And her figure, well, let's just say she had more angles than curves.  
  
"Oh Hermione dear!!!!! I've been looking everywhere for you and luckily, these LOVELY boys told me you were here!!!!"  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes and looked towards the two boys that had entered with her aunt. Harry and Ron grinned cheekily at her through their pile of sweets, or in Ron's case, pile of chocolate frogs. She sighed and returned to her window while her aunt ranted on about how excited she was to be in the magical world for the first time.  
  
Hermione's aunt's name was Emilia May Granger, and she was married to her dad's brother i.e. Her uncle. She had small green eyes and wore small rectangular glasses. Her hair was ginger/red and tied back tightly into a bun; strands of loose hair framed her square face. Her nose was small and petite and her lips thin, her teeth were always pearly white and straight in everyway - perfect you could say, although sometimes a little too perfect to be believable.  
  
"Hermione dear, could you take me around the train and show me all the students in your year? Seeing as I'm working with them, it's only reasonable for them to know me personally first before they get to know me as a professional!!!"  
  
Hermione groaned inside and looked pleadingly at Harry and Ron for help. Ron shrugged at her and stuffed more frogs into his already full mouth, while Harry sighed, stood up and smiled.  
  
"Thank you so much -  
  
"WAIT HARRY!!! LOOK AT THIS!!!! WE HAVEN'T GOT THIS CHOCOLATE FROG CARD YET!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!"  
  
Harry immediately sat down and gawped at the chocolate frog card that Ron was now holding (it was very rare). Hermione knew immediately that Harry was not going to go with her. She sighed, got up slowly and exited the compartment, slowly followed by her Aunt.  
  
Opening the compartment door that was to her right, Hermione peered inside. There were four people - all chatting away about make up, clothes, shoes and shopping in a muggle village. They all stopped the moment they saw that there were people standing by the compartment door. Hermione was met with four curious stares.  
  
"Lavender, Parvati, Ginny, Padma, meet my Aunt Emi. Aunt Emi, meet Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil, Padma Patil and even though she's in the year below us, Ginny - or Virginia - Weasley, Ron's sister, and you know Ron's the one with all that chocolate frogs back there."  
  
Aunt Emi stepped forward and was greeted warmly by the four girls. They all shook her hand, and traded warm and friendly smiles.  
  
"Well who was the other one in the glasses? He had a most peculiar scar on his forehead and I felt terribly rude asking him about it!!"  
  
"Don't you know? He's THE Harry Potter!!! The one who conquered the Dark Lord himself!!!" Ginny squeaked excitedly (for no particular reason). The other three nodded in agreement and whispered to each other so that Hermione and her Aunt could not hear what on earth they were on about.  
  
'Probably something like "Oh he's soooo cute!!!" or "He is soooo gonna beat you-know-who!!! Hands down!!!' Hermione thought. As you can see, she wasn't in a good mood.  
  
"Ohhhhh!! So that's him!!!! I've heard a lot about him from Hermione!!!"  
  
"Ooooo, what have you heard exactly?" Lavender asked, giggling as she sat back down. She was beginning to like this muggle of a Granger. She didn't seem like the hard working, obsessed with homework bookworm that Hermione was - well not as much anyway.  
  
"Well, let's see -  
  
"Yes, yes, we all know what I think of Harry!!"  
  
"Yeah, and Ron!!! Brother and sister love isn't it? But that's so boring!!! Wouldn't you EVER go out with one of them???" Parvati looked pleadingly at Aunt Emi, who just smiled in return.  
  
"I'm afraid that that is all there is, but I do wish she would get a serious boyfriend that she liked!!! I mean, that Vincent Krud? Was lovely, but she didn't like him the way he liked her. And he wasn't that good looking either, but our Hermione always goes for the personality instead of the looks, doesn't she now?"  
  
"HELLO!!!! I AM STILL HERE YOU KNOW!!!! NOW CAN WE GO???"  
  
Hermione didn't even wait for a reply. She grabbed her aunt's arm, and dragged her out. Whenever Aunt Emi could, she would gossip and chat - about ANYTHING. And most of the time, it was about her.  
  
As we all know, Hermione's life was pretty much perfect. Lovely caring parents, not a rich but definitely not poor family, great friends, good grades, but the one thing that was a complete failure, was her love life. The only serious boyfriend she had ever had in all her 17-year-old life was Viktor Krum (or to her Aunt, Vincent Krud) and she didn't feel the same way about him that he did feel for her. Her Aunt would always rant on about how she wished Hermione could find someone decent i.e. good looking, well off and treated her nice.  
  
They reached the next compartment door, and Hermione slowly opened it to reveal three boys, all talking about quidditch, football and a toad named Trevor. They all turned towards the door with their wands pointing in Hermione's face, their faces filled with anger.  
  
"Oh sorry Hermione!!" Dean gasped and stuffed his wand back into his pocket. He had already changed into his Hogwarts robes.  
  
"We didn't know it was you!!!" Seamus exclaimed as he stuffed his wand back into his trouser pocket - he hadn't changed yet.  
  
"Yes," Neville said as he stroked Trevor his toad fondly - his eyes staring down at the toad instead of Hermione's face. "Malfoy's been trying to hide in everyone's compartment, so we had to get ready, just in case."  
  
"Yeah!!!"  
  
"Right . . . well anyway, this is my Aunt Emi, she's here on business terms, and Aunt Emi, this is Neville Longbottom, Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas - Gryffindor boys."  
  
"Lovely to meet some young gentlemen!!"  
  
The three boys nodded and shook her hand. Hermione quickly shut the door soon after as to avoid what happened in Lavender's compartment. She HATED people gossiping about her behind her back - why did they have to be so nosey? She sighed and thought that she needed a break from all this, but there wasn't a place to go without her Aunt Emi following her, and that was exactly what she didn't want her to do. She thought quickly and praised her brain thoroughly for a brilliant idea suddenly popped into her head.  
  
"Aunt Emi, you don't mind if I go to the bathroom do you?"  
  
"Of course not darling, it's none of my business what you do in your own time!!! I'll wait outside for you!!"  
  
Hermione nodded and they stopped in front of the bathroom. The train rattled onwards as Hermione was about to shut the door. But that wasn't what prevented her from actually shutting the door.  
  
"GRANGER HOLD THAT DOOR!!!!!"  
  
Draco ran as fast as he could and rushed into the cubicle, slamming the door behind him, with Hermione in there as well. He leaned breathlessly against the bathroom wall that looked orange in the spotlights. Hermione glared at him.  
  
"Mal-  
  
Draco put a finger to his lips, motioning for her to shut up. He locked the door, and pressed his ear against it, trying to listen to what was happening outside. Hermione copied him and heard footsteps running frantically past. She heard a high pitched and annoying tone of voice ask Aunt Emi a question.  
  
"Excuse me Madam? But have you seen a good looking boy, with blonde hair, and silvery blue eyes, fairly average height, and he has his hair gelled back?"  
  
"I'm not sure exactly. I haven't seen many people on this train, it's my first time."  
  
"Right, whatever. My name's Pansy Parkinson by the way, 7th year Slytherin!!! Who are you?"  
  
"Emilia G -  
  
"Okay then!!! See ya!!!"  
  
And again, Hermione heard footsteps but this time they were heading away from the bathroom. She heard a sigh of relief from behind her and swiftly turned to glare at the young Malfoy. He smirked at her glare and nodded (much to her confusion and annoyance).  
  
"I'll leave you here to do your business."  
  
Draco unlocked the door and headed out, but to his surprise, Hermione followed closely behind him. "No, I don't need it anymore Malfoy. Your interruption kind of put me off."  
  
"Shut up you filthy little mudblood."  
  
"Shut up you filthy little pureblood."  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
"Well why should I shut up if you're not going to?"  
  
"Because I told you to."  
  
"Well I told you to shut up as well."  
  
"Yes but my words count for more you bushy little vermin."  
  
"My words count just as much as yours do you stupid fat ferret."  
  
"I AM NOT FAT."  
  
"I AM NOT A VERMIN."  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"Well then you're fat."  
  
"Mudblood."  
  
"Git."  
  
"If I'm fat then you're fat."  
  
"You just don't want to admit you're fat."  
  
"That's cus' I'm not fat mudblood!!!"  
  
"Are too!!!"  
  
"I AM NOT FAT IN ANYWAY. Most girls find me irresistible."  
  
"That's cause they're blind as a bat."  
  
"ALL them girls are blind? I would have thought they would have bumped into a tree or something by now if they were blind. You're more blind than them."  
  
"Whatever Malfoy. Like I said, you just won't admit you're fat!!!"  
  
"That's cause I'm not!!!!"  
  
"Have you looked in a mirror lately Malfoy?"  
  
"Only this morning!!!!! What are you trying to say exactly???"  
  
"Hermione darling, this young man is in no way fat!!!"  
  
Aunt Emi giggled as the two 17year olds stared at her. They didn't know she was there - well, actually, Hermione just forgot. Aunt Emi had been standing there, writing down their conversation on her notepad (which she had tucked away in her pocket before interrupting their conversation), observing them, as they were very interesting (not to mention amusing) to watch.  
  
"Now Hermione dear, care to introduce me to your little friend? I believe he is in your year? He's certainly tall enough!!!"  
  
"First things first Aunt Emi, he is in NO WAY my friend and will never be, and he is in my year. His name's Draco Malfoy - an ignorant, conceited, spoilt, rat-faced, big egoed -  
  
"Yet charming, sweet, intelligent and handsome young -  
  
"Ferret."  
  
Draco glared at Hermione as she smiled - satisfied with the description of Malfoy. Aunt Emi continued to giggle at the pair of them, they looked like the perfect pair really to her, but they seemed to hate each other . . . this would definitely help her in her human psychology studies.  
  
"What an interesting combination of words, I'm Emilia Granger, lovely to meet you." Aunt Emi held out her hand as Draco stared at it in disgust. 'Uh!!! A muggle!!!!' Draco shook his head and walked towards the left, edging away from Aunt Emi.  
  
"See how rude he is?? He won't even shake your hand just because you're a muggle!!! I mean, that's not surprising, I'm a muggle-born witch and he won't even treat me with respect!!! See how arrogant, ignorant, stupid -  
  
"Oh do try not to rant on darling!!! That's one of the reasons why you can't get a boyfriend honey, you just simply can't shut up!!!" Aunt Emi turned to Draco who was now smirking delightedly at getting the news that Hermione couldn't get a boyfriend.  
  
"Now Mr Malfoy, I bet you don't have many problems with getting girlfriends now do you?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Well maybe you could give Hermione here a few pointers in getting a boyfriend!!! What do boys like?"  
  
"Curves and NOT angles."  
  
Hermione scowled at him as he smirked at Aunt Emi, who by now, had got out her notepad from her pocket and started to write in it again with a pencil. Draco stared curiously at the pencil as Aunt Emi scribbled away. Catching him looking, she passed the pencil over to him. He frowned at it and twirled it in his fingers like a baton.  
  
"That, my dear boy, is a pencil. Have you never seen one dear?"  
  
Draco just continued to stare at it then at Aunt Emi's notepad. "Can I have a piece of parchment?"  
  
"Well I don't have any parchment, but try paper." Aunt Emi ripped a piece of paper from her notepad and handed it to Draco. "Here, take this pen too." She handed him the pen and he stared quizzically at it - like a little kid who didn't know how to eat an ice cream or what an ice cream was. Hermione had to admit, he looked cute when he wasn't smirking, scowling, frowning, or wearing that expressionless mask he always wore. Of course, she'd never  
  
"OHHHHHH DWAKIE POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??? I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU!!!!!"  
  
Draco looked frantically around at the sound of Pansy's voice. His eyes were large as he quickly stuffed the pen, pencil and paper in his robe pocket.  
  
"What's the matter Malfoy? I thought Pansy was the love of your life!!!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!! I dumped her in the holidays but she's so clingy!!!"  
  
"DWAKIE POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Pansy rushed out from nowhere in particular and rushed to Draco, who would have ran halfway up the train by now, had Hermione not took hold of his robes, holding him back. Draco tried to get his robes out of her grip but it was too tight and too late. Pansy flung herself onto Draco, nearly knocking him to the ground - but not quite. He staggered back as Hermione chose that precise moment to let go of his school robes.  
  
"Let go Parkinson!!!! I can't breathe!!!!"  
  
Pansy reluctantly let go of Draco who gasped for breath against the nearest object leanable - the wall.  
  
"I'm going to get you for this mudblood!!!!"  
  
Draco glared at Hermione as he scrambled away towards the next compartment, a shrieking Pansy close on his tail. Hermione couldn't help but laugh at the poor lad as the sound of the Hogwarts Express came to a stop at their destination - Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
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A/N: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! This is my third long fanfic, and I've just finished my first one!!! WHOOPEE!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I hope this was alright, but I'm trying to do homework and write at the same time, so if this is rubbish then you have to deal with it I'm afraid!!! And I did try my hardest!!! So, if you don't mind, I'd like to list some things:  
  
1/ Nobody's perfect, not even YOU. So if this was crappy, and you HATED it, then don't review and just leave now. I think that if you're just here to insult my stories, then there's absolutely no point of me carrying on writing.  
  
2/ Any suggestions of what can happen at this stage in the story (as in any suggestions for experiments on the children) are VERY welcome, as I actually haven't got many ideas.  
  
3/ Let's try and aim for . . . 4 reviews before the next chappie, okay??? I'll forget about this stupid idea if no one likes it.  
  
So that's it, and tata for now!!! And I've leave you with this,  
  
Totally addicted to pigs!!!  
  
~ILUVRONWEASLEY. ^@^ 


	2. Assistants and Partners

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS.  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!!  
  
NO SPOILERS HERE.  
  
MY ENORMOUS THANKS TO:  
  
~~~~ babmidnight ~ thanks so much for being the first EVER person (apart from my mate who read it first) to review this thing!!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!! Anyway, remind me what LMAO means, I think I know cus' someone told me . . . but being the forgetful klutz I am, it's not surprising that I've forgotten!!!! Please do tell me!!!!  
  
~~~~harryforeva ~ thank you soooooooooooooo much for reviewing, I am so happy, words cannot describe it!!!!! Hyperness comes with the happiness too!!!!! And as for the four reviews thing, I do have four!!! So the chappie is up!!!! Thanks so much again!!!!!  
  
~~~~da-drama-queen ~ you got a collection of pigs???? LET ME SEE THEM!!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEASE!!!! I love piggys, my best friend bought me this giant pig toy for my birthday, and I loved it!!!! It's well cuddly, but anyway, you are going to update soon?? That's good, and good luck for your exams!!!!  
  
~~~~natsume2 ~ YAY!!!!! I really like Hard to get!!! You know, the one you write!!! Me mate, GroovyChick16 is even more into it than I am and I am so happy that I got a review from you! Mean reviews . . . yeah, some people just have no respect, and they don't even give you a chance to defend yourself!!!! Cus' they're anonymous and all. Anyway, here's the next chapter, and it doesn't matter if you have no suggestions!!! You tried!!!!!  
  
~~~~Alanpatty07 ~ Thanks for reviewing this, it took forever for me to decide about that sequel to Fantasy, I kept on changing my mind, but I don't regret my final decision, that's for sure. I'm glad you think the last chapter was a good starting chapter, and I'll try not to ruin this story, thanks again!!!  
  
~~~~klee_babe ~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! So it might be a little late to say that now, but I said it, here's a cookie and another chapter for you!!!!! I hope you enjoy both!!!!!!  
  
~~~~Happigolucki616 ~ Lol, thanks!!!! I'm glad you like it, here's more and obviously, I hope you do enjoy it, after all, I tried!!!!! Lol, thanks again, please review this afterwards!!!!!  
  
~~~~Voldie on Varsity Track ~ Hey Voldie, and thanks!!!! I'm not keen on George Bush either, and I especially don't like Tony Blair, but nevermind, and THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUGGESTIONS!!!!! I'm going to maybe add to them a bit, but I am so going to use at least one of them!!!!! DEFINITELY!!!! Thanks again.  
  
~~~~Some12 ~ Thanks so much, for the review and the suggestions!!!!! THANK YOU!!!! Anyway, I will use them, but I might adjust them a bit to fit in the story, but I will definitely use one of them, trust me!!! Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy this chappie!!!!  
  
~~~~Fluff ~ First, thanks so much for reviewing, you don't know how much it means to me!!! Second, just for you, I have tried to think up of new nicknames for Draco, and have come up with ONE (look out for it in this chapter)!!!! I'll try to think of more as I go along, but I will sometimes use the old Dwakie-poo and Dwakie, but not much, like only once in a while you know? Hope you enjoy this chappie - I tried!!!  
  
~~~~starlightz6 ~ thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad you said the humour was there!!!! It was intended, thanks so much for the suggestions too!!!! I might use them, I think I am going to fit that popcorn part in somewhere definitely, but that makeover thing I'm not too sure about, because there's loads of fics that actually do have them change their looks, but I thank you for your suggestions, they were very helpful!!! Thanks again, hope you enjoy this!!!  
  
~~~~Cactus Cream ~ Thanks so much for reviewing this one too!!!! **Grins** I am so proud and happy that you like it, especially the fight scene, I liked that too and I hoped that I wasn't the only one ^.~  
  
~~~~burgundyred ~ Lol, it was still a long review, even if you did delete it!!!! I'm so happy that you like this fic, and Does my bum look big in this has turned serious - SORRY!!! Oh well, it wasn't actually until I decided that the fic was going to turn serious that people started to say that the fic was funny. As for constructive criticism, I like that and try to change my bad ways, but when people just say 'You stink, literally' (like you said) that's just harsh. Also, the stuff you wrote about Pansy is very true, but to be honest, if you wait and see, Pansy isn't really going to be in this fic at all, well maybe THERE (mentioned slightly just to make it more realistic type thing) but she isn't going to be written in detail in most of the chapters if you get me, so I don't really have the space to write backbone for Pansy, to make her less of an airhead I mean - she is in this chapter and does say and do stuff, and I am sorry to say that she may be an airhead and the usual 'too used' type Pansy - sorry, but to make backbone for her, I don't see how I could do that without making this fic remotely serious, and you wouldn't want that, would you?? Lol, only kidding, but if you have any ways to give Pansy backbone without making this thing disastrous, tell me!!!!! I like cows too!!! Pigs are better though :P  
  
CHAPTER TWO: Assistants and partners.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing!!! No Harry!!! No Ron **sniff**!!!! No Hermione **sniff sniff**!!!!! And no Draco **WAH**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
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As soon and Hermione and Aunt Emi stepped off the Hogwarts Express, they were both greeted by a short woman with VERY greasy hair.  
  
"HELLO!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione looked at the young witch in front of her. Her Aunt had told her that she had asked Dumbledore to put an advert in the Daily Prophet for an assistant, and she had chosen a young witch of around 20 to help her out, she guessed that this person must be the witch she was talking about. As Aunt Emi could use no magic, she had to have a witch or wizard as an assistant.  
  
The witch in front of Hermione had purple hair with midnight blue highlights. She had long hair that went down to her waist and it was tied back into a ponytail loosely with a black ribbon. Her robes were fluorescent pink and dotted with blood red dots. Her nose was pierced (she wore a small crystal for a nose stud) and she wore giant round earrings, which matched her pale blue eyes. She was also wearing stilettos, which didn't make her that much taller than Hermione anyway.  
  
"Erm, hi." Hermione shook the witches hand, as did her Aunt who beamed at Hermione proudly.  
  
"Isn't she wonderful Hermione dear?"  
  
"Yes, I guess so. May I ask your name?"  
  
"It's Serena!!! Serena Barnes, and I know that you're called Hermione!!! Your Aunt has told me all about you!!! You see, we met in a café near London and talked for a while, just to get to know each other better cus' she told me I was chosen as the assistant and everything!!"  
  
"Yes, I'm sure she has . . . may I also ask why I didn't see you on the train? I would've thought that you'd be on it."  
  
Hermione wondered this for two reasons, one because: how did she get here if it wasn't by the Hogwarts Express? And two: if she was on the train, then why didn't she take her forever-chatting Aunt away from her? And maybe make her stop talking to her for once?  
  
"I went here by broom with my dad!!! He's the new defence against the dark arts teacher so he had to come here as well!!!!"  
  
"Hermione dear, there's no time to chat!!! You have to get on a carriage!!! See you in the castle honey!!!" And with that, Aunt Emi rushed off with Serena straight behind her (where they were going she had no idea). Hermione saw (to her relief) that Harry and Ron were now gesturing hurriedly for her to join them in their carriage, she could only be thankful that they saved her a space.  
  
'Phew, I'm glad they saved me a seat!! Otherwise I would have had to sit in the other carriage!!! And I don't fancy seeing Pansy try to snog the face off of Malfoy thanks.'  
  
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"Now before we all begin the feast, I have a special announcement to make!!! The new Defence Against the Dark Arts Teacher is Professor Bernard Barnes!!!! Let's all give him a warm welcome with a round of applause!!!!!"  
  
The four tables in the great hall seemed to shake with the applause of the students as a man of around 55 stood up and bowed. He had a bald patch at the back of his head and he wore robes of silver lined with yellow along the edges. Seated next to him at the teacher's table were Serena and Dr. Granger. Of course, all the other teachers like Snape, Hagrid and Mcgonagall were also there. This year, it seemed that there were more new first years than there had ever been before. The sorting took longer to finish, and everyone was waiting for the feast to begin.  
  
"Also, all 7th years must remain in the hall after the feast has ended. You shall find out why soon enough!! Now before we begin, let us say my favourite muggle saying - VA VA VOOM!!!!!!!!"  
  
And with that, the four tables covered with glorious food, looking as delicious as ever. The students happily covered their plates with potatoes, chicken, roast ham, and desserts that were already set on the table for those who chose to eat it first. Altogether it was a wonderful feast, which got everyone stuffed. Now all they wanted to do was to have a good nights sleep, but unfortunately for the 7th years, they had to wait a little while longer.  
  
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"Now 7th years, I introduce to you, Doctor Emilia Granger!!!"  
  
All students that remained in the hall turned to Hermione and sniggered - especially the Slytherins. It wasn't a cool thing to have a relative work at your school, and Hermione had never been cool, but hanging out with Harry did boost her reputation, although now her reputation had suddenly dropped down to geeky dork that has boffy aunts.  
  
"Hello everybody!!!!!!!!! And Hermione dear, don't look so glum!!! You'll still be alive by tomorrow!!!" Hermione groaned and banged her head on the table - hard.  
  
"Anyway, as Professor Dumbledore said, I am Dr. Granger, and this is my lovely assistant Miss Barnes!!! We shall be here to cast some experiments, both magical and non magical. Me and Miss Barnes will be casting magical experiments because, although I am not a witch - unlike my DARLING niece Hermione - the great witch-doctor, Edwina Sally has given me some of her theories and products to test on all you lucky students!!!!"  
  
'Great, we're going to get poisoned and I still haven't found the love of my life!!!' Hermione thought, as she slowly (VERY SLOWLY INDEED) lifted her head off the table. Neville was sitting to her right and was looking worriedly at her head (trying to see whether she was hurt or not) and Harry who was seated to her left, rubbed her back and whispering: "Don't worry, I'm still your friend even if everyone thinks you're a dork!!"  
  
"For these tests, you will be getting your own living quarters, with your partner of the opposite gender. The experiments shall not last until your graduation day; therefore your lessons shall all be cancelled due to these experiments - until they end. My dear assistant will explain the rest to you."  
  
Dr. Granger sat down and looked happily up at Serena, who stood up and grinned a toothy grin (which wasn't pretty as most of her teeth were rather yellow).  
  
"In front of you now - she clicked her long finger nailed fingers - are a piece of parchment and a quill. If you would please write the name of one person of the opposite gender that you WOULD NOT like to be paired with on it, then we shall collect it."  
  
Hermione thought quietly to herself and was just about to put clearly and in big bold letters, DRACO MALFOY, when someone interrupted her thoughts.  
  
"Isn't this fun Hermione? I hope I'm paired with you, no one else will want to be paired with me because they all think I'm going to mess this thing up!!! You're the only one nice enough to help me out!! Me being so clumsy and all!!!"  
  
Hermione smiled and changed her mind instantly. It wasn't that she didn't like Neville; it was just the fact that he was a Klutz and a jinx and that mixture was not a good thing. He'd probably turn a harmless experiment into a near death experience!!! She hurriedly scribbled down Neville Longbottom on her piece of parchment and it hurriedly folded itself up and flew into her Aunt's hand, who opened it and smiled.  
  
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A while after, everyone was done and Dr. Granger placed all the folded pieces of parchment into the sorting hat, which had been left out after the sorting for this purpose.  
  
"Now this lovely sorting hat will place you all into your suitable pairs!!! Please come up with your partner when you are sorted, and wait in a line over to where Dr. Granger shall be standing in a few minutes!!!" Serena called as she seated herself next to her father and Dr. Granger. Everyone waited patiently as the sorting hat thought and thought, and thought.  
  
"Psst Harry!!" Hermione nudged Harry's arm.  
  
"Yeah what?" He whispered back.  
  
"Who did you and Ron put?"  
  
"Hehe, can you believe we both put the same person? We both put Pansy Parkinson!!! Although I was tempted to put Millicent Bulstrode, but I don't think I'd be paired with her anyway. Who'd you put Hermione? Did you put Malfoy?"  
  
"I was going to, but then Neville kind of changed my mind, so I put him instead."  
  
"Well, I can see why you changed your mind!!" Harry said thoughtfully - Neville was such a klutz, the poor lad.  
  
"Anyway, I hope I'm with either you or Ron."  
  
"Yeah, so do I."  
  
But they could talk no more, as the sorting hat began to speak. "True Gryffindor spirit, with a true Ravenclaw!! Brains and brawns - HARRY POTTER AND PADMA PATIL."  
  
Harry stood up and sighed in relief (he wasn't going with a Slytherin!!) as Padma did the same. They lined up next to Dr Granger and Professor McGonagall, who by now were stood next to the Great Hall doors. Everyone applauded the pair, but immediately stopped when the sorting hat suddenly spoke once more.  
  
"Two loyal Hufflepuffs, same as each other in intelligence and friendship, HANNAH ABBOTT AND ERNIE MACMILLIAN." The pair was again applauded and they stood behind Harry and Padma by the Hall doors. It was only a few seconds before the sorting hat spoke again.  
  
"Another Weasley and only one Turpin, RONALD WEASLEY AND LISA TURPIN!!!!" (Lisa Turpin isn't anyone I made up, she's actually in the book - Ravenclaw, in the first book, the chapter about The Sorting Hat, check it out if you don't believe me) Again, a round of applause from everyone but the Slytherin table, as Ron went to line up. He winked at Hermione and mouthed 'Good Luck' (Hermione could only hope).  
  
"A Longbottom with a Bone, sounds right to me, NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM AND SUSAN BONES!!!!!" Once again, applause surrounded the hall; Hermione hoped more and more that she went with either Dean or Seamus. Actually, she didn't mind as long as it wasn't anyone from the Slytherin table.  
  
"Two truly great Gryffindor's, may I wish you peace and harmony together and forever, SEAMUS FINNIGAN AND PARVATI PATIL!!!!!!!" Parvati cheered, as did Seamus - her and Seamus had been going out for nearly a year now and everyone knew how loved up they were.  
  
"Brains with loyalty, a great combination don't you think? - JUSTIN FINCH- FLETCHLEY AND MANDY BROCKLEHURST!!!!" Justin smiled at Mandy (if you look in the first book, the part with the Sorting Hat, she is there, so I didn't make her up either!), as did she. 'Maybe there's something going on between them two?' Hermione thought, 'When's it going to be my turn? I hope it's soon - I don't want to be last!!!!!'  
  
"Two big brawns, the perfect pair, MILLICENT BULSTRODE AND GREGORY GOYLE!!!!!"  
  
Millicent groaned as she clambered out, a silent Goyle following her. Hermione could see Pansy clinging onto Malfoy's arm as he rolled his eyes and rubbed his forehead with his free arm, it was too obvious that they would be a pair, unless Malfoy put Pansy on his piece of parchment.  
  
"Another Gryffindor pair that Godric would be proud of, DEAN THOMAS AND LAVENDER BROWN!!!!!" 'Noooooooo!!!' Hermione thought, 'Great, I'm going to get paired up Crabbe!!! My life is officially OVER!!!'  
  
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A while later and only six people remained at the tables. All the people in the line were chattering excitedly over whom they thought the hat was going to choose, for only Draco, Hermione, a Hufflepuff girl by the name of Sonia Chueng, a Ravenclaw boy by the name of Anthony Jackson, Pansy and Blaise Zambini (I'm thinking he's a boy in this story) remained seated at their tables.  
  
"Hmm, difficult, very difficult, so similar and yet so different, from two worlds apart, the bond of the bloodlines, HERMIONE GRANGER AND DRACO MALFOY!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" Both Hermione and Draco stood up, their fists punched into the table, their eyes wide and their teeth both clenched in frustration.  
  
"YOU CAN'T PUT ME WITH A GEEKY LITTLE MUDBLOOD YOU STUPID HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"YOU CAN'T PUT ME WITH A IGNORANT, SPOILT FERRET YOU STUPID HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Yeah, you stupid sorting hat!!! You can't put my wonderful Dwakie-poo with a dirty mudblood like her!!!" Pansy shrieked as she held tightly onto Malfoy's arm. "Didn't you read what Coco (Draco raised an eyebrow at this) put for who he DIDN'T want to be with? He put the mudblood, didn't you Coco??" She pouted as she looked up at Draco.  
  
Malfoy snatched his arm away from her and sighed, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead. "No, Parkinson. I didn't put Granger, I changed my mind at the last minute - I put you."  
  
"What?? But that can't be!!!! We love each other; we were meant to be together!!!!!! We were made for each other!!!! Even our parents think so!!!!!!!!"  
  
"LOOK PUG FACE, WE ARE OVER!!!!!!! I BROKE UP WITH YOU AGES AGO, BUT YOU JUST WON'T FACE THE FACTS!!!! ANYWAY, IF I KNEW THAT GRANGER WOULDN'T PUT ME ON HER PARCHMENT, THEN I WOULD HAVE PUT HER!!!!"  
  
Draco glared at Pansy as she cried onto the shoulder of the person next to her - Blaise Zambini. He tried to edge away from her, but she just wouldn't let him go. Draco looked up questioningly at Hermione.  
  
"Granger, why didn't you put ME???? Then we wouldn't be in this mess!!!! Wait, who could be worse than me???"  
  
"Well, I'd rather have you as a partner than die thank you very much!!!" Draco raised an eyebrow at this comment, "Fine, I put Neville."  
  
Draco nodded, showing that he understood why she had put Neville. Hermione looked apologetically at Neville, who looked hurt but nodded at her to show that he understood why she would put him down on her parchment. Everyone turned towards the sorting hat, as it spoke once more.  
  
"Seeing as she's crying on his arm, two Slytherins of pureblood, PANSY PARKINSON AND BLAISE ZAMBINI!!!"  
  
Blaise groaned and stood up, dragging Pansy with him to the line. Draco slowly got up from the bench and was about to stand behind them in the line, when he noticed Hermione was still standing where she had been a minute ago. The truth was that she felt utterly ashamed of herself. Neville would never forgive her completely for this, and she would never live it down. Her conscience would always bug her about it everytime she saw Neville. Suddenly, she felt a tug at her robes.  
  
"Granger??? Everyone is waiting for YOU to join the line to go!!!!!"  
  
It took a while for Hermione to let the words sink in. "What?" But it was too late; Draco had had enough of waiting. He took by the ear and dragged her over to the line, where the rest of the people were staring at them.  
  
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A/N: THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH TO ANYONE WHO'S READING THIS!! I am so happy, I never imagined that I would get this many reviews for the first chapter!!!! Whoopee!!!!!!! Anyway, thanks so much, and I hope everyone enjoyed that, FOR ANYONE LOOKING FOR A TRULY FUNNY FIC, READ GROOVYCHICK16'S fanfic, it's called THE ADVENTURES OF DRACO MALFOY'S FAN CLUB, and I help co-write it!!! It's not a romance, but I think it's funny.  
  
~Loving fanfics more and more,  
  
ME!!!!  
  
PS. Out of interest, DAN RADCLIFFE, TOM FELTON, OR RUPERT GRINT???  
  
PPS. Remembrance day - 11/11/03, R.I.P. 


	3. Accomodations and the beginning of the t...

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS ~RUPERT ROCKS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!! SORRY UPDATE TOOK TOO LONG, BEEN BUSY DUDES!!!!  
  
MY LOVELY THANKS TO:  
  
*Some12 ~ Thanks so much for the review, it was very nice, as for the 'Pansy-using-Blaise' thing, I'll consider it, but I'm not making any promises, there are so many ideas floating in my brainless head that I can't possibly fit them all into one fic!!!! The Serena thing seems like a really good idea though, so if I remember it when I'm typing, I'll put it in!!! Oh and by the way, what's guidance concolour?  
  
**Harryforeva ~ Aw!!! That is so nice of you!!!!! It really is!!!!! Have a cookie, they're all I've got to give!!! And the chapter of course!! Anyway, not everyone's reviewing, but I get what you mean!!! Here's the next chapter, and thanks so much!!!  
  
***Plaidly Lush ~ Thank you first for reviewing, and second for telling me of my stupid mistake. I didn't look 'Zabini' up because I trust you (sorry if I make the same mistake again, I'm forgetful enough to do so). Might I say that you seem like you know your Harry Potter stuff, cus' most people don't even notice the 'Zambini/Zabini' thing and lots of my other mistakes too!!!! Thanks also for telling me which one you prefer out of Tom, Dan and Rupert!! Oh and I hope you did enjoy the last chapter, because you sounded really pissed off, (because of "e;: I can't take this: end quote, and the sigh at the end, which to me, seems like the kind of thing you would say/do if you were feeling slightly stressed) and I really hope that it wasn't my chapter that made you feel that (although I don't think a chapter would really be important enough to piss anyone off, but you never know). Anyway, I hope that if you were feeling miffed, that you're feeling better!!!!  
  
****Klee_babe ~ aren't cookies just the most brilliant thing ever invented? No, the Internet and chocolate is!!!! Yay!!! I hope this is a right laugh, and of course Hermione was paired with Draco? Who else would they suit better? Lol thanks so much for reviewing again and here is more!!!!  
  
*****Burgundyred ~ Lol, go Tom, I like Rupert, and Tom and Dan, I simply can't decide which one is better!! And for the punctuation thing, yes, I love '!' and '?' because they are so fun to overuse, plus, this is a stupid fic, so you need lots of them to make it all the more annoying!!! I am sorry I am not willing to stop this annoying habit of overusing punctuation because in Butt Big, someone told me to stop using them too much, so I have tried, and if I have to do the same with THIS fic, I would die. The experiments have not yet started in this chapter, but shall very soon; next chapter I have decided is an in-betweeny chapter!!! So, you shall have to wait a while for the 'proper' torture and fun to begin . . . MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
******luza ~ Thanks! I'm glad it seems like it's really good, but I don't want it to be portrayed too well, in case anyone continues to read it and gets disappointed :D hopefully no one will!!  
  
*******Happigolucki ~ I'm glad you liked it, and I CHOOSE RUPERT TOO!! I also think he's such a sweetheart, I don't know why but I think he's so . . . I don't know the word for it! But I like Dan too . . . but Rupert definitely comes first! Here's the next chapter, enjoy!  
  
********Fluff ~ were you the one who asked for another annoying nickname for Draco? I can't remember, but Coco was the first thing that came to mind!! And it was definitely mortifying enough, I'm sure you'll agree ;D, I like Daniel Radcliffe, I think he is soooooooooo cute! I prefer Rupert because Rupert's just . . . you know, RUPERT so I like both, and I like Tom too, but you know, he gets so many fans . . . lol, I really hope you enjoy this, and if you have any more annoying nicknames for Draco, please do tell!!  
  
*********Starlightz6 ~ I'm glad you agree with the whole make up overdone thing, and I thank you so much for wracking your brains to try and think up some suggestions, that is so nice! Originality seems to be something I'm good at **wink** I could picture Dumbledore saying VA VA VOOM too, that's why I put it I guess, lol, typical headmaster thing . . . I kind of knew you'd choose Tom ;D, Sean Biggerstaff I'm not so sure about, he plays Wood doesn't he?  
  
**********Smileyface1314 ~ Thanks so much for reviewing, and don't worry I will continue to review your fic, I am so happy you think this is remotely funny!! And you're considering changing it to Hermione/Draco? THAT WOULD BE SO COOL, not that it's not good now, but you know . . . anyway, thanks so much again, tata!! And enjoy!  
  
NO SPOILERS HERE.  
  
CHAPTER THREE: Accommodations and the beginning of the torture.  
  
DISCLAIMER: As usual, I own nothing, just like everyone else on fanfiction.net. I mean, seriously, do you think, any good author that can get there work published into a book that can be put on sale in bookshops all over the world, would really prefer to put up their stories on this website?? I don't think so and neither should you, otherwise you really have some mental problems.  
  
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"Now Hermione dear, aren't you glad that that nice hat put you with Mr Malfoy honey?"  
  
"Yeah, it's like a dream come true." Hermione said as she sulked along next to her Aunt and Draco. Her voice dripped with sarcasm as her aunt shook her head at her (Serena was up ahead, leading the line).  
  
"Now, now dear!!! That's not any way to speak to your Auntie now is it?? And honey, I know you have a very . . . interesting, history with - what was your name again dear?"  
  
"It's Draco."  
  
"Yes, that's it, Draco, but he's your new roommate, and do try to remember that you're not exactly an easy person to be friends with either Hermione."  
  
Hermione responded with a grunt. The line came to a halt, and Dr. Granger hurried back to the front of the line as quickly as she could. They were all crowded in front of a large muggle portrait - one of the few that didn't move in the school.  
  
The background was a picture of a battlefield, dead bodies lay behind the magnificent gold lion, and rotting trees were scattered everywhere, their leaves lay lifeless on the cracked red ground. The sky was all different shades, and the sun's colours shone purple in the sunset. Along the horizon, a large black bird could be seen - a raven - flying high in the sky like it hadn't a care in the world, and along the back next to a fallen tree, an injured badger was breathing his last breath as he lay over a pool of blood. As Hermione neared the portrait, a small green snake could be seen slithering up to the lion, its split tongue sticking out of it's mouth violently. She wanted to stop and take a closer look at this masterpiece but, of course, she needed to enter the portrait hole.  
  
She and Draco stepped slowly through and saw a long corridor filled with tall oak doors from their right and left. The carpet was a rich red, lined with royal purple, and in the centre of the carpet, all along the corridor, was the Hogwarts symbol with the school motto written underneath it. Brilliant glass chandeliers lighted the whole area with their sparkling white light, and each door had a crystal handle built into it which made the whole thing look magnificent. They knew that one of these rooms were theirs, as all the pairs of students were slowly disappearing through the doors.  
  
"HERMIONE HONEY!!!!!!!!" Dr Granger shouted from above all the heads of the waiting students. Hermione groaned inwardly and rolled her eyes. "Your room is over here sweety!!! Yours and Draco's room I mean!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione slowly made her way past all the students in her year, stopping to apologise for treading on their feet, and stopping to glare at them for calling her a 'aunty's girl'. Draco, however, made his way easily to the front, as he fought back his urge to laugh at the poor girl.  
  
On the oak door, engraved into it, was the words: 'MISS HERMIONE GRANGER & MR DRACO MALFOY.' Written in golden swirling letters. They were both given keys (Draco's emerald, and Hermione red) and just as they were about to enter, Dr Granger decided to speak to her little niece.  
  
"Oh, and before we go dear, we decided to put some people next to you that might suit you, so Draco honey, the door to your left is Gregory Goyle's and Millicent Bulstrode's room, and to your right Hermione dear, is - well actually, you can choose." Her aunt stepped aside to reveal Harry, Padma, Ron and Lisa Turpin (a Ravenclaw).  
  
"We don't mind who you pick 'Mione!!!" Ron grinned at her. He then turned to Draco and scowled.  
  
"Yeah, if you pick me, Ron will be in the room straight next to mine, so it's easy for you to come and chat to Ron and me!!!" Harry nodded and smiled at Hermione as she racked her brains. 'Padma seems a more sensible option, as Parvati's her sister and a Gryffindor.'  
  
"Harry and Padma please." Hermione said, as Serena went over to the next oak door and tapped her wand against it, their names appeared on the door in the same kind f swirly gold lettering.  
  
"See ya tomorrow morning 'Mione!!!" Harry and Ron both said, as they entered their rooms. Hermione slowly opened her door (she didn't need to unlock it as Draco had already gone in) and stepped inside.  
  
(Was going to end it here, but thought, nah!!! That's soooo mean!!!! So I didn't!!! Enjoy the rest!!)  
  
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Inside the room, it was magnificent, more so than the outside of the room. There was a giant glass chandelier in the middle, although Hermione did not see why you needed it, as the entire wall in front of Hermione was made of glass (some sections you could see were apart from the rest of the glass wall, probably because you could open them, like a window). The sight was splendid, a brilliant view of Hogwarts own lake, it sparkled dark blue in the light of the night sky, and the moon and stars glittered in their reflection. Her mouth hung open at the wonderful sight.  
  
"Lovely isn't it Granger? And look." Draco lay on his bed lazily, he clapped his hands and red curtains (like the ones on a theatre stage) flowed out of nowhere (that she could see anyway) and covered the entire glass wall. Now she could see how bright the chandelier was. "See mudblood? Clap your hands twice and the curtains come down. Clap your hands once and the chandelier switches itself off."  
  
"Hmm . . ." Hermione murmured as she caught sight of her bed. It was a lovely rose red, and on the duvet cover was the outline of a rose in gold thread. She slowly walked over and started to trace it with her fingers. Her and Draco's trunks had been brought up already and they lay at the foot of their beds.  
  
"Your beds rather girly if you ask me. Look at mine." Draco jumped off the bed and gestured towards it. It was green (like you wouldn't have guessed) and on it was a picture of a Chinese dragon, also sewed on with gold thread. The entire four-poster was green, as was Hermione's except it was red, except for the gold. It looked very comfortable and soft.  
  
"Whatever Malfoy, you're just jealous."  
  
"Me? Jealous? Of you of all people? HA!!! A likely story."  
  
Hermione sat on her bed, and took her shoes and socks off. She lay them carefully inside her trunk - unaware that Draco was watching her every move. The carpet felt soft under her toes, like one of her cuddly toys that she had with her in her trunk. She tread on the soft carpet and over to her trunk. Draco watched her rummage around, until she pulled out two toys.  
  
"What are they mudblood?"  
  
"Haven't you ever had a stuffed toy before?"  
  
"Why would I have such a babyish thing?"  
  
"They are not babyish!!! Okay, maybe they are, but they're lovely!!!! Look!!!" She threw one over to him and he caught it. The one the remained in her hand was a beanie baby, a fluffy, pink, bunny beanie baby. Its long ears flopped down over its eyes and its fluffy tail felt like cotton wool. The one she had thrown over to Draco, was a soft wool stuffed bear, with a small woolly jumper on that read 'Love is a gift, cherish it forever and always.' Draco was now examining the bear with greatest curiosity.  
  
Draco chucked it back over to Hermione. "Lovely Granger. But they seem like dead animals to me, and I wouldn't want to sleep next to a dead animal thanks." Hermione rolled her eyes - he was just jealous that he didn't have one, and she knew for sure that he was jealous. He might act like he didn't care but deep inside, he wanted one, and she knew it.  
  
Just then, there was a tap on the door, and two envelopes slid under the old, oak door. Draco lay back onto his bed and stared up at the roof of his four-poster, while Hermione got up to fetch the envelopes. She picked them up and chucked one over to Draco, where it hit his perfect hair.  
  
"Granger watch the hair!!!!!"  
  
"Shut it Malfoy, open it!!! We have to fill this in."  
  
Draco grunted and opened the envelope that was the same as Hermione's except, of course, for the fact that it was addressed to him. Hermione sat at the desk and read it, and Draco soon followed as he pulled up a chair. The parchment read:  
  
'Dear Mr Malfoy (or in Hermione's case, Miss Granger),  
  
The other piece of paper enclosed with this parchment is a form that needs to be filled in by tomorrow before breakfast, and we shall warn you that both forms - you AND your partners - shall be put up on the door that leads into your room for others to read. Please fill in immediately once you read this,  
  
Yours sincerely,  
  
Emilia Granger,  
  
Dr. in human psychology studies - muggle wise.  
  
AND  
  
Serena Barnes,  
  
Student at St. Martha's medical school for witches.'  
  
"Mudblood, you got any ink?"  
  
"Get your own Malfoy."  
  
"Oh come on Granger!!! Just a teensy bit of ink???"  
  
"NO."  
  
"Come on!!!!"  
  
"I said NO."  
  
Draco scowled and then remembered the pen that Dr. Granger had given to him on the train journey to Hogwarts. He put his hand into his robe pocket, and pulled out the piece of paper, the pencil and the biro pen. The only problem was, he didn't know how to use any of the three items. He stared at the pen for quite a while, until a muffled giggle interrupted his thoughts. Hermione's head was on the table, and she was desperately trying to muffle her giggles.  
  
"What is so funny Granger??"  
  
"YOU!!!!!!!! You looking at that pen!!!! You not even knowing HOW to use a pen!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco felt offended and scowled. Hermione lifted her head, wiping her eyes as she did so. She saw that Draco had returned to staring confusedly at the pen. She sighed, should she help him, or not? He was horrible to her, yes, but she didn't like to be mean - like him. But he did look kind of cute when he was confused and not talking, she couldn't deny that. She sighed again, 'Hermione, you are TOO soft!!' she thought.  
  
"Look, give it here!!!"  
  
Hermione snatched the pen away, and pushed the top of it, then she took the scrap piece of paper that had been ripped from her Aunt's notebook, and scribbled, 'this is how you write with a pen' on it hurriedly, then she handed both things over to Draco.  
  
Draco gawped at it, amazed, and he took the pen gently, and pressed hard onto the paper - writing 'Thanks Granger, even if you are a good for nothing cross between a bushy vermin and a mudblood.' He wrote this slowly, but clearly and Hermione was surprised at the neatness of it all, seeing as he had never written with a pen before.  
  
She covered what she wrote until she had handed it over to Draco. It read (in neat curly handwriting) - 'Shut up. I don't deserve such words for HELPING you Malfoy. Can you not be civil? Have you no manners?'  
  
Draco wrote hurriedly, but surprisingly (again), it was still very neat. It read: 'I do have manners, I just don't see why I should show them to you, and I can be civil I just don't want to be. DUH.'  
  
Hermione scowled at Draco while he smirked up at her, twirling the pen in his hands. "Maybe we should get on with the form now." Hermione said through gritted teeth. It wasn't Draco himself that irritated her so much. It was the fact that he was . . . well, just plain IGNORANT.  
  
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One and half an hour later, they had both finished filling in the form; this is what their forms looks like (Hermione's answer will be in between @, whilst Draco's will be between +, k?):  
  
Full birth name: @Hermione Granger@ +Draco Lucius Malfoy+  
  
Nicknames/ what you also get called and by whom: @'Mione by my friends and most of my family members, Granger and mudblood by my enemies (one of which is my roommate)@ +Dwakie-poo by annoying Pansy Parkinson, Malfoy by my enemies (one of which is my roommate)+  
  
You are in: @Gryffindor@ +Slytherin+  
  
Gender: @Female@ +male+  
  
How many times do you wash a week i.e. Have a bath or shower etc.: @Once everyday at least, but I wash my hair every other day@ +Once everyday, I also wash my hair in the mornings everyday as well+  
  
Favourite colour: @scarlet@ +Green, emerald, all shades of green+  
  
Favourite sweets/food: @CHOCOLATE!!!!@ +Chocolate frogs+  
  
Favourite animal: @cats, owls are good too@ +dragons, poisonous snakes only, animals that can kill basically+  
  
Any comments on your roommate: @You can bet that I do!!!!! How can that historical hat put me with HIM of all people HIM!!!!! I would go insane from spending my time with HIM!!!!! If I could turn back time, I would have put him instead of Neville!!!!! UGH, IT'S SO UNFAIR!!!!!@ +THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!!!! I MEAN, HOW COULD THAT STUPIDLY, NO BRAIN, TATTY DISGRACE FOR A HAT PUT ME WITH A BUSHY, UGLY, UNFIT, MEAN, FAT, SHORT, HAIRY, DUMB, MUDBLOOD OF A WITCH??? THIS IS A DISGRACE!!!!!! IF MY FATHER WAS ALIVE, YOU CAN BET THAT HE'D KILL THAT HAT!!!!!!!+  
  
The moment that they had both finished, the paper folded itself up, placed itself in its envelope, and flew out under the door. Hermione sighed, and with a wave of her wand, her silk pyjamas were on her and so were her fluffy bunny slippers that Ginny had given to her for her birthday. She rummaged around in her trunk until she found her white cotton dressing gown, she popped it on, and laid on her bed, opening Hogwarts: A History for some bedtime reading.  
  
"Granger!"  
  
Hermione looked up from her book, and saw Draco standing in the doorway of the bathroom. When he had finished the form; he had gone into the bathroom to have a long relaxing bath. It would have been fine, had he not been standing lazily leaning against the wall with only a towel around his waist. Hermione couldn't help but blush and try to ignore him; she hadn't EVER seen a nearly naked boy before in such short distance.  
  
"Ahem, hello? Granger??? Earth to the mudblood????" She couldn't ignore him now; he was waving one hand across her face, his other desperately trying to hold up his towel.  
  
"What do you want Malfoy?" Hermione could feel herself turning beetroot red as she looked up at him from her bed. He smirked at this.  
  
"As much as I hate for you to touch anything of mine, I would be grateful if you could get my black dressing gown out of my trunk, as I left my wand in the trunk as well, and if I bend down to get it . . ." He gestured with his free hand to the towel.  
  
"Get lost Malfoy!!! I'm not touching anything that's yours!!!"  
  
Draco stood for a moment, staring viciously at Hermione as she stared back. What a surprise she got when he shrugged and smirked. "Suit yourself Granger, if you want to see it, then, be my guest." Draco walked towards his trunk as Hermione stared in horror. He was just about to bend down when . . .  
  
"Fine!!!!! I'll get it for you, sheesh!!!" With that, she strode over to his trunk and rummaged around with his clothes (and to her disgust and embarrassment, his underwear) until she found the black cotton dressing gown he was talking about, and his wand.  
  
"As much as I hate to say it, thank you mudblood." And he strode off to the bathroom to get changed, while Hermione took of her gown, clapped her hands once, making all go dark.  
  
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A/N: I hope that that end didn't seem too much like a cliffie, cus' it wasn't meant to be one!!!! You know, as this is an outgoing and mellow fic, it's not supposed to be suspense kind of thing, so there you go!!!! Please review, and if you are even reading this chapter AND author note, you deserve a chocolate chip cookie!!! Just because you read the chapter and are reading my rantings!!!  
  
~Love, peace, pigs and fanfics,  
  
~Girl-who-loooooooooooooooves-the-internet!!!!!!  
  
PS. Was this chapter less funny or what? My opinion is that it was, but what do you think? Was it utter crap? 


	4. Two for the price of one! Hehe, 4&5

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS.  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!! SORRY FOR THE WAIT, THIS IS PARTICULARLY LONG, JUST FOR THE WAIT!!!  
  
THANKS TO ALL OF MY REVIEWERS, NAMELY:  
  
^^^^Plaidly Lush ~ I understand why you would get annoyed of the Zabini, Zambini thing (I know it's Zabini now) I honestly had no idea, I just . . . wrote. I did say only SLIGHT touch of humour, and I'm glad that at least it is interesting (I'm hoping in a good way :D). I'm sorry if this chapter isn't very funny at all, I tried, but, you know, it's hard! I am so hoping this isn't too stupid and boring . . .  
  
^^^^FriedRice025 ~ Thanks, I try! It's hard now though, because I'm running out of ideas!! NEED IDEAS!!! Thanks so much for the review, I live off them, oh and food and water of course, but nevermind that.  
  
^^^^LythTaeraneth ~ I can understand why you chose Tom, lol, mostly EVERYONE chose Tom, which is why I didn't, although he is fit, wink, wink. I am so glad you liked the first two chapters, and I'm just hoping that you'll enjoy the rest when you have time to read it!! Thanks for reviewing Butt Big too, that's so nice!!! I hope your okay with the computer thing!!  
  
^^^^Fluff ~ Lol, nope, you don't have to wait much longer!! Just read on and on and on and on and further on and you'll get to the part where things start!! I read your fic by the way and reviewed it!! I actually didn't know it was your fic until I look at who it was by and I realised that it was you!!!!! YAY!!! Thank you so much, you are SO nice, all of you are!!! **Sniff** I cannot thank you enough, really I can't!  
  
^^^^Voldie on Varsity Track ~ WAHHHH!! It was less funny!!! Oh well, I asked about it didn't I? My fault! Here's the update and thanks for the suggestions!! Let's just say . . . . I'll consider them! I LOVE SUGGESTIONS!! YAY!!! Please do keep sending them in, they do help a lot, but if you really can't think of anything then that's okay too, cus' I can't force your brain to work! Thanks so much again!! For reviewing and all!!!  
  
^^^^Smileyface1314 ~ Not as funny, even I knew that! But at least it was good, yay!!! (Trying my best to be optimistic here . . .) That song wasn't sucky at all, it was pretty good actually. I wish I had cookies . . . I kind of ran out after I gobbled them all!!! Wah! Oh well . . . I hope the crumbs didn't go between the cracks, its so hard to get them out!!! Lol!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much for reviewing 'Just a thought' too!! You are so nice!!!  
  
^^^^Some12 ~ Well the experiments will start when . . . you carry on reading!!! Teehee!!! Oh and thanks for telling me what a guidance con colour is, where do you get those people? I don't think we've ever had them people in my school, oh well, I'm young and I'm hopeless!!! Lol thanks for reviewing again!!! Hugz!!! Sorry about the wait for this thing by the way!!!!! Teehee . . .  
  
^^^^Loah ~ Aw, thanks! I'm trying my hardest, so you can imagine how happy I am to find that my efforts have not been wasted!!! Lol, thanks so much for the review, it was very nice!!!!  
  
CHAPTER FOUR: Milk and orange juice.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Howdy again peoplez!!!!!!!!! I own nothing that might interest anyone, even those who are interested in mostly everything!!!!!!! I am merely a girl who loves to type and make up ridiculous things, and hopes that people enjoy her weird and ecstatic personality, that is all!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
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Hermione stirred, she could feel someone poke her softly on the arm, but she thought nothing of it. She turned and groaned as she felt a bright light come to her eyes. She squinted her eyes open slightly, and screamed at the site of Draco peering at her, only inches away from her face. He burst out laughing at her expression.  
  
"It is not funny!!!!! Malfoy, you could have scared the life out of me!!!!!!!"  
  
"If only it were that simple mudblood, then I'd do it more."  
  
Hermione scowled at him. He was already fully dressed and in his robes, his hair gelled back as usual. She wondered how big a pot of gel he actually had and what his hair looked like when he hadn't gelled it back. 'Have to wake up extra early to see him in bed!' She gasped as she looked at her digital bedside clock.  
  
"MALFOY!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME EARLIER!!!!!!!!! YOU STUPID BLONDE FERRET!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco sat on his bed and shrugged. He got out a book (entitled 'Evil goblins and where to find them') and sat patiently reading until half an hour later, Hermione bustled out with a towel wrapped around her body, and a towel wrapped around her sopping wet hair. She picked up her clothes and with a wave of her wand she was dressed. Hermione stood and wondered whether Draco had noticed she'd finished, she didn't need to wonder long, for he soon finished his paragraph, bookmarked it, and yawned at Hermione, who scowled back.  
  
"Glad you've finished Granger, took you long enough," He paused and looked her up and down, "The shower didn't do you much good then did it??" He strode over to the door and pulled it open, Hermione followed, scowling at the back of his head before Harry and Ron greeted her. They had been waiting outside talking; Padma and Lisa had been talking to each other as well.  
  
"So how was it Hermione?" Harry whispered, making sure that the two Ravenclaw girls behind him couldn't hear, and that Draco definitely couldn't hear him.  
  
"Awful, he was trying to act all cool about it too, which just got me so annoyed." She replied with a sigh.  
  
"We really sympathise for you, you do know that don't you?? Me and Lisa are doing great, but she's kind of, clingy after a while, a bit like Colin Creevey really."  
  
Hermione grinned at Ron's put off expression, and carried on down the corridor. She shivered at the thought of another Colin. Ugh . . . one was enough thanks.  
  
She looked in front of her and saw Draco walking at a very quick pace. She wondered why none of the Slytherins had stopped to say good morning to Draco. She would have thought that he, being so popular and all would at least have five people saying good morning to him, but as they reached the portrait hole, she realised that there were none.  
  
'Probably cus' we're all late.' Hermione thought, and she cast the thoughts aside and put her attention to a note pinned next to the portrait hole - on the wall. It read:  
  
'Hello all students who are reading this,  
  
It does not matter at all if you are late; we have all the time we need!!! Now, we hope you have had a good night's sleep; this Monday morning will be a very hectic one!!! Over the night, when you were all snoozing, we recruited many more witches and wizards from the witch-doctor Edwina Sally, and many more products from famous brands to test, for example, Bertie Botts!!!!!!!! Please come to the spare classroom near the muggle studies area - the one numbered 13 - we shall be casting our experiments there for the next few weeks, please arrive there everyday at 9:00 at the latest. Thank you for your time!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Yours truly,  
  
Dr. Emilia Granger and Assistant Serena Barnes.'  
  
Hermione, Harry and Ron led the way; actually, Hermione was the only one that knew where the muggle studies area was, so she led the way. Lisa Turpin (Ron's partner) and Padma Patil (Harry's partner) walked behind them, and Draco dragged behind. Hermione felt a tad bit sorry for Draco. All his friends (or cronies, whichever) were already at the room, and, even if they weren't, they were all probably too scared of him to start a conversation with him anyway.  
  
"So, what was your room like?" Ron asked curiously, trying to hide the fact that his stomach was growling.  
  
"It was WONDERFUL. I mean, that big chandelier, that giant window, those curtains, the beds, everything was just . . . SPECTACULAR."  
  
"Yeah, so was ours, I guess all the rooms are pretty much the same huh?" Harry said, looking behind him to check that the girls were still following.  
  
"It's a shame Ginny can't be here cus' she's in the year below and all. I'm sure she'd love the excitement, and having to miss most of her lessons of course!!!"  
  
Harry and Hermione laughed slightly and nodded. Ginny would have loved to be experimented on, after all, she loved it when Fred and George experimented some pranks on her, and missing all her lessons?? That would be HEAVEN - even if it were exciting lessons at Hogwarts, they were still LESSONS.  
  
"So Hermione, what was it like sleeping in the same room as a Malfoy?" Harry asked.  
  
"It was alright - surprisingly enough. We just ignored each other, although he did scare the life out of me this morning. I mean, he was just THERE, and I guess that's what scared me."  
  
She had added that last bit on because Ron (and Harry, but particularly Ron) was starting to clench his fists up - ready for a fight, and she didn't want her friends to punch anyone just because they HADN'T done anything. That would be stupid. She glanced behind her and saw Draco was scowling at the floor. 'Hermione, you are getting too soft.' She thought - she even felt sorry for Malfoy for god's sake.  
  
"Look you guys, I know we hate Malfoy and everything, but he's kind of dragging behind, so . . ."  
  
Hermione didn't have to say anymore before the boys interrupted her.  
  
"NO WAY."  
  
It was kind of creepy how both of them had said this at exactly the same time, with the same kind of 'don't even try to persuade us' expression on their faces. Strange, creepy . . . yet effective.  
  
"Hermione, have you gone completely mad??? Malfoy - talking to us??? For god's sake, he'll end up with a bloody nose from me and Harry!!!!"  
  
"Yes, but -  
  
"Hermione, Ron's right. We know you feel sorry for him and all, but he's just not that sort of person that would TRY to act friendly, it's best if you don't get too close to him."  
  
And that was the end of their conversation, for they had reached the classroom door labelled in big black bold numbers 13. The six entered and were greeted with laughter, snorts and excited whispers of what this day may contain.  
  
The classroom had obviously been charmed to fit more people into it than it looked like it could, much like Mr Weasley's Ford Anglia was. There were about 10 rows of tables, all half the size of the normal house tables in the Great Hall. The room had red, blue, bronze and green banners that read 'WELCOME! EAT ALL YOU WANT!!' and the stone walls seemed to have some kind of shiny paint on them as they glittered from the sunlight that shined through the small windows at the far end of the room. Hermione wondered for a second why the Slytherins weren't all bunched together on the farthest table from the door, then she then realised why.  
  
Instead of benches like in the Great Hall, there were chairs with somebody's name written on the back in whatever house colour they were in. And it was obvious, that you HAD to sit next to your partner.  
  
"THEY HAVE BACON!!!!!"  
  
Ron shouted before scanning the tables rapidly to try and find his seat so that he could start to eat. He took Lisa's hand and soon dragged her over to their seats by a window. Harry sighed and shook his head as he watched Ron gobble down as much food as he could manage in one go. He and Padma soon found their seats and went to sit down and eat with a wave goodbye to Hermione. Hermione and Draco soon followed - although their seats were right at the back, next to an open window. Hermione gladly ate the food that appeared on her plate the moment she sat down. She noticed Draco was just . . . well . . . sitting there, not eating and not doing ANYTHING.  
  
"Malfoy, why aren't you eating? This food is better than the food in the Great Hall."  
  
Draco turned and raised an eyebrow at Hermione - she was chewing a mouthful of scrambled eggs.  
  
"I've lost my appetite just looking at you mudblood."  
  
Hermione swallowed her food and scowled at Draco, who just stared at his empty plate. 'I was only trying to be nice, sheesh, grumpy fart.' She continued to eat and nearly spat out her orange juice when a sudden noise frightened the life out of her.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
She turned to Draco, who was staring at his stomach, his face slightly red at the embarrassment - Hermione resisted the urge to laugh at his face. Oh the poor boy.  
  
"Look Malfoy,"  
  
Hermione grabbed the orange juice carton nearest to her and poured some into Draco's glass. Draco stared at it, a look of disgust on his face. Hermione sighed - just typical of Draco to think it was disgusting, he thought everything that wasn't purely 'wizard' was disgusting.  
  
"What's wrong Malfoy? You need to drink SOMETHING. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day you know."  
  
"Why has it got those THINGS floating around in it?"  
  
"That's cus' it's PURE orange juice, Malfoy. Those BITS floating in it are parts of the oranges that were used to make this carton of orange juice."  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes as Draco continued to stare at the cup of orange juice like it was poisoned or something. Probably thought she had spiked it or something. But before she could say anything, Draco started to speak.  
  
"Muggles. What crazy idea will they think of next? Maybe some apple juice that has apples in it? Beetle juice that has real beet -  
  
He couldn't say anymore, as Hermione had found what she was looking for in the first place - a BIG piece of toast. She had gotten it and stuffed it into Draco's open mouth; he was now choking on it while Hermione was sipping some of her milk. When he finally swallowed it, the look on his face looked venomous and most of the students that remained in the room had turned to stare at the couple, one sitting calmly sipping milk, and the other choking on an enormous piece of toast.  
  
"GRANGER."  
  
Draco stared at Hermione - staring daggers into her. The whole room waited for her to reply as she swallowed more milk. Draco seethed with anger as she began to pour MORE milk into her cup and begin to sip annoyingly once again.  
  
"GRANGER?????????????????????"  
  
Hermione turned to face the red-faced Draco, well, unusually red-faced Draco. She calmly drank more of her milk. "Calm down now Malfoy. Want some milk?" She held her cup in front of her so that it irritated him even more. Draco clenched his teeth and his hands automatically went up to where Hermione's neck (about where Hermione's neck was but not quite).  
  
"Ahem."  
  
Draco turned to see an elderly man who had no hair and was short and stubby standing holding a clipboard in his scabby hands. He looked part goblin - like the ugly ones in Gringotts. Draco shot him a venomous glare for interrupting his attempt to strangle Hermione - he had gotten so close! A bit more and . . . The old goblin-man cowered back at his glare.  
  
"We, er, just need to know, er, what you ate, for the experiment . . . sir, mister."  
  
Draco glared more. The whole hall had seen him choke on a piece of toast of course, and yet this old man HAD to interrupt with 'what did you eat?' this was an OUTRAGE. If he wasn't busy with this experiment thing, he would have rushed to the owlery by now and complained to his father.  
  
"We know you ATE a piece of toast of course!!" Harry shouted from his seat. Draco glanced a glare at him. 'Real funny Potter - NOT.'  
  
"What about you miss?" The goblin-man turned to Hermione, who had finished her second cup (and the cup was rather big) of milk. 'What was so good about that milk?' Draco thought, it was, after all, just ordinary cow's milk, not anything special, you could get it in any good supermarket.  
  
"Oh, she just drank a whole lot of MILK, I always thought she was a co -  
  
"I ate eggs of course, scrambled."  
  
Hermione interrupted before Draco could finish. She glared at him and got one of his glares in return. She rolled her eyes and turned back to the goblin-man who stood close to her - trying to stay away from the all powerful Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Very well. Please enter through that door please." And with that (and a nod), the goblin-man scurried off to ask somebody else what he or she had eaten.  
  
Draco and Hermione turned to look at what door the goblin-man had been talking about. This door seemed strange, blue auras seem to surround it and it seemed like it had a magical force around it. Hermione wondered where it might lead. After all, it wasn't everyday that you went through a mysterious magical door that she wasn't sure led anywhere in particular.  
  
Draco stood and was about to go through a creepy wooden door when he realised Hermione was still staring at the door, drinking more milk. He grunted angrily, he couldn't control his temper anymore, and to top it all off, everyone was being VERY nosey today.  
  
"FOR GOD'S SAKE GRANGER, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH MILK ALREADY. IF YOU WANT TO TURN INTO A COW, I'LL GLADLY CHANGE YOU INTO ONE OR WOULD YOU PREFER TO BE A PIG?"  
  
Draco grabbed Hermione's arm making her drop her glass cup filled with milk. It crashed to the ground and shattered into pieces, the milk staining the marble ground.  
  
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Okay people, I was going to stop here, but then I thought, no, that chapter was too short and none funny!!! And the torture STILL hasn't begun!! So guess what? I am giving you another chapter!!! So, here is chapter five!!! ENJOY!!!! ~  
  
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CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
I remind you - NO SPOILERS HERE.  
  
CHAPTER FIVE: Warm ups and the slime experiment.  
  
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Hermione and Draco entered the room through the creepy wooden door. Inside, the room was split into four different sections, to their right was a bright yellow carpet with the Hufflepuff banner hanging from the ceiling. To their left was a deep blue carpet with the Ravenclaw banner, the farthest left was a scarlet carpet, with the Gryffindor banner, and of course the Slytherin banner was the farthest right, with an emerald carpet.  
  
"Hermione dear!!!!!"  
  
"Oh no . . ."  
  
Hermione groaned as Dr. Granger rushed up to her, carrying her clipboard. Hermione smiled awkwardly, after all, you would too if you thought your aunt was trying to secretly murder you with these experiments.  
  
"Did you sleep well honey?"  
  
"Yeah, the bed was very comfy."  
  
"Good, good, you Mr Malfoy?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Okay . . . you two can go next, I can see you're getting bored already! I can promise you it will be better!!!! Now please do come with me."  
  
Dr. Granger led them both towards another door, this time, it was blue and looked like it was made of water. Fishes were swimming happily across it while they walked straight through it. Hermione was shocked once she entered the other side of the water door (dry of course). They were in Hogsmeade for some strange reason. How on earth did they get here? She looked behind her but saw only a brick wall and a dustbin.  
  
They walked out into the sunlight; Dr. Granger led them to a strange café where the whole place was filled with more people in white coats than Hermione had ever seen. Everywhere she looked, Hermione could see partners with two people in white coats sitting at tables and drinking coffee, and some was just coming in through the door, looking flustered and excited.  
  
"Now, Hermione honey, Mr Malfoy, I am supposed to assign you to two assistants, but seeing as my sugarplum of a niece is here, I might as well be one of them and Serena can be the other, oh look, there she is."  
  
And indeed, Hermione could see Serena wobbling with a tray of dirty dishes, still wearing her stilettos, although now her robes had changed to a sickly yellow with a orange stripe down the back. Her hair was still as greasy as ever and still purple.  
  
"Oh Serena dear!!!"  
  
Serena turned and smiled, pulled out her wand and the tray of dirty dishes disappeared. Hermione wondered why she didn't do that in the first place. Serena rushed over, stood and saluted like Dr. Granger was a military officer or something. Dr. Granger explained that they were going to be their new assistants to Serena while Hermione stood and waited. Draco, however was a bit too distracted by the Quidditch store opposite the café.  
  
"Okay now darling, lets go!"  
  
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"So . . . say that again."  
  
"Look Granger, what you do is grab my arm and DON'T LET GO. My job is to try and MAKE you let go no matter what. THEY'RE going to time how long it takes in order to see how fast our brains can work."  
  
"And this isn't the real experiment is it?"  
  
"GRANGER!!!!!!!! Weren't you listening at all???? This is a warm up to warm up our brains, then we have the REAL experiments. YOUR aunt said that the warm ups are for her own research and she only has them cus' she has too many things to test in a certain time, ya get?????? IS THAT BRAIN OF YOURS WORKING OR NOT?????"  
  
Hermione nodded, "Sheesh Malfoy, keep your junky hair on."  
  
"And what exactly do you mean by junky?"  
  
"All that junk you put in it, plus your hair doesn't move, it's like a wig."  
  
"IT IS NOT A WIG. And the junk is gel, I know you wouldn't know though, your hair is as bushy as ever, and not perfect like mine."  
  
"HA, perfect my arse. How do I know it's not a wig? You slept later than me yesterday, so you could have taken it off!!!! Now that I look at it . . ."  
  
"GRANGER, YOU STUPID FILTHY DISGRACEFUL -  
  
"MALFOY, YOU STINKY OLD -  
  
"Old?"  
  
"Well if you're wearing a wig then obviously you MUST be getting old Malfoy. When's your next birthday? I bet you're 156 now aren't you? I KNEW IT!"  
  
"Granger, if I'm 156 then you must be older than Dumbledore and that's saying something. Look at those wrinkles!!!"  
  
"What wrinkles? I don't have any wrinkles!!!!"  
  
"You do if I'm wearing a wig."  
  
"You old git, I think it must be the denial of aging that's making you grumpy."  
  
"Scum."  
  
"Fat."  
  
"Oh not this again!!!! I AM NOT FAT."  
  
"Oh yeah, course you're not fat!!! Coughfatcough."  
  
"Mudblood, you don't want to get me angry . . ."  
  
"What you going to do to me? -  
  
"Okay now darlings," Dr. Granger interrupted with a slight smile on her lips. She had been watching the argument going on and had added some notes about them to their report sheet. They were a very odd couple, the sorting hat had said they were the most compatible, but yet they just argued all the time, she'd have to record their progress, not only in the experiments, but also in their relationship. "Let's begin, over there in the middle of the street, where everyone can see you now."  
  
Hermione and Draco walked out into the middle of the street and Hermione reluctantly held his arm as strongly as she could (in case he used physical tactics).  
  
"And . . . go!!!"  
  
"So, Granger, are you going to let go of my hand easily, or will I have to force you?"  
  
"The whole point of this thing is to try and force me - duh!!!!"  
  
"Don't you duh me!!!"  
  
"Look, all this arguing is only adding to your time!"  
  
Hermione looked into Draco's eyes. She could see herself in them, and she knew that those eyes were mostly what the girls went for, you could get lost in those dreamy eyes . . . it was like hypnotism, but Hermione knew better than to lose her self control to the power of his eyes. Draco smirked the famous smirk and let out a slight laugh.  
  
"You're falling for it!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE FALLING FOR IT!!!!! HA!!!!!!"  
  
"Falling for what?"  
  
"The eye trick," Draco looked into Hermione's eyes again. He was smirking, and Hermione didn't really know why, she wasn't sure she wanted to know, "You see the eye trick works like this . . ."  
  
Hermione could feel his breath on her cheeks. She didn't like being in that position and what exactly did he mean, it works like . . . wait, he was leaning closer and closer . . . that could only mean he was about to kiss her. 'EEEEEK!!!!!!!!' She immediately let go of his arm just as he was going to lean in for the kill.  
  
"Well done Mr Malfoy!!! About 1 minute Serena."  
  
Serena looked at the stopwatch Dr. Granger was holding up to her and scribbled down the time. Dr. Granger turned to Hermione and smiled.  
  
"Your turn now Hermione, you'll have to beat that tactic. And . . . go!"  
  
Hermione felt Draco's fingernails dig into her. His grip was firm, and she had no idea how to wipe that smirk off his face and make him let go of her arm. 'Come on brain . . .' She looked around Hogsmeade for some inspiration. The street was starting to get a little crowded now, old grannies coming out to buy their early shopping, mums and their babies trying to get some breakfast, shopkeepers opening their shops and just casual shoppers looking for things to buy.  
  
Suddenly, inspiration hit her. She turned to Draco and tried to think of sad things to make her cry. "Please let go of me Mister!!!" She said loudly, attracting some attention from a few women window-shopping.  
  
Draco frowned, "What?"  
  
"Please!!!!!!!!!" The tears were flowing now, she was attracting even more attention from a baby and his mother, but Draco's grip was still firm, even if he had loosened it slightly.  
  
"Granger, what are you on about?" He hissed as to not get more attention than they already had.  
  
"Please . . . somebody HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco's eyes grew wider - how dare she . . . now everyone was watching them. A mother shaking the baby bottle furiously while, an old lady had started to edge up to them with a wand.  
  
"Let go of her!!!" A man shouted out of a window, he had a wand in his hand and was pointing it furiously at him. Draco scowled, and just as the man was about to hit him with a spell, he reluctantly let go of Hermione's arm, deciding that she wasn't worth being cursed of his feet by a stranger.  
  
"Thank you everybody!!!!" Hermione sniffed and wiped her tears away while Draco stood, obviously annoyed. All the people who had been watching returned to what they were doing before, now knowing that she was going to be alright.  
  
"Very good Hermione!!!! Only a few seconds!!!!"  
  
"Yeah!! And might I say, great tactic!!!"  
  
Serena winked and scribbled Hermione's time and tactic. Hermione smiled in satisfaction as Draco glared like there was no tomorrow - that stupid mudblood, he would show her - after all, there were lots of warm ups to come . . .  
  
"Okay now, onto the REAL experiments!!!! We need to go to the Leaky Cauldron to meet up with everybody, let's go before we're late now darling!!!!!"  
  
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"Shut up Malfoy."  
  
"What, I haven't been saying anything!!!!"  
  
"Oh no, you haven't been saying anything apart from stuff like 'Ohhh look at that butt', and 'she HAS got those curves now.' Then trying to look down that poor waitress girl's top!!!! You've been drooling all over my new robes too!!!! The cheek of it."  
  
"Granger, I'm a normal teenage boy!!! If I wasn't drooling all over a hot chick, then you'd assume I was gay, plus you should be proud to have someone of my importance drool on you."  
  
"Yeah, whatever you say Malfoy, wait till I tell everybody you're gay and you only pretend to drool over girls to prove to people that you're not gay."  
  
"I AM NOT GAY."  
  
"I see denial's treating you rather badly eh ferret boy? First the fatness, now the gay . . . really, you have nothing to be ashamed of!!! Fat people are the bestest mates - I have a ton of them!!!! Gay people are so fun to be around too . . ."  
  
"Well Granger I guess you couldn't possibly be lesbian or gay then huh? Seeing as you're just one big pain in the ar -  
  
"Tut, tut Malfoy. Language now, you know the rules."  
  
"Oh SHUT UP."  
  
"If you won't then why do I?"  
  
"Because you are lower than me, less pretty than me -  
  
"Pretty now are we? I never knew you could use such a girlish word!!!! All the more to prove to me you are only in denial."  
  
"If I'm gay YOU are a mega slut who has kissed at least 20 guys."  
  
"How do you know I haven't kissed AT LEAST 20 guys?"  
  
"UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST . . . .SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"YOU SHUT UP FIRST!!!!!!!"  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!"  
  
"WELL NEITHER WILL I!!!!!!!!"  
  
"FINE THEN!"  
  
Hermione and Draco both crossed their arms and pouted - facing their backs towards each other. They were both pouting as the whole of the Three Broomsticks fell silent - they had all been listening in to their argument instead of making a conversation of their own. Dr. Granger resisted the urge to laugh at the pair - her niece could be so childish when she wanted to be, it was unbelievable. Sooner or later, they would end up killing each other if they didn't try to get along.  
  
"Okay now everybody, settle down!!!! You should all be seated at a table with your partners now; each table should have a number written on it!!!! When I call out your number, one of you come up and get a large cup of this new drink here!!!"  
  
Serena indicated to the massive table loaded with large bottle of something green . . . lets just say it didn't look all that nice to drink. Hermione gulped, she didn't fancy drinking all that down . . . but Malfoy was sure to force her, wasn't it obvious?  
  
"42!!!!"  
  
"Granger, our table, you go."  
  
"No, you go!!! Why do I have to go?"  
  
"Because you're a girl, now go."  
  
"What has being a girl got to do with this? If anything, YOU should go to be more gentlemen like."  
  
"I thought it didn't matter what gender you were?"  
  
"Fine, I'll go Malfoy."  
  
"No, you're too weak to go and carry that BIG bottle of slime, I'll get it instead."  
  
"No!!! I'm getting it and that's final!!"  
  
"Shut up, I'M getting it now sit down and let the MAN go and get it!!!"  
  
"What man? I don't see any man!!!! Let me get it!!!!"  
  
"No, you disgrace for a mudblood!!!"  
  
"No, you disgrace for a pureblood!!!"  
  
"Why you -  
  
"Ahem." Dr. Granger interrupted with a slight smile on her lips. For the first time, Hermione realised that Dumbledore was sitting amongst the white coated people, but all in blue, purple, green, red, yellow and an assortment of other colours that I can't be bothered to name.  
  
"Now Hermione honey, could you go and get the bottle please?"  
  
Hermione obeyed and did as her Aunt wished. Soon after, all the bottles had found their homes on a table in front of each pair of students, who were all staring at disgust at the vile thing. Serena stood and began to explain what was to happen.  
  
"Now, this is a new alcoholic drink that the Leaky Cauldron has just invented, but they have added many new ingredients and shall add some food colouring to make it a little more . . . attractive. But, there is no point making it attractive if this drink has side effects!!! So, your jobs are to drink it, but only one person in each pair has to - this decision cannot be made by yourselves as some (Serena turned to Hermione and Draco, as did everyone else) individuals are incapable of doing so without starting a big row like an old couple. Therefore, the person who has had the lowest time in the warm up shall drink the new drink!!! And I'm sure you all know who had what times!!!"  
  
And with that, a loud bang was heard to signal the beginning of the drinking. Turning to Draco, she couldn't help but laugh at him. He was just sitting there - terrified of even holding the cup, let alone drink the whole thing!!! Hermione could see from a glance that Pansy Parkinson had had to drink the vile alcohol, Ron had had to drink it out of his pair, but Harry had gotten off free with Padma gulping the drink down like water.  
  
"Oh come on Malfoy!!! Don't be a wimp!!!!"  
  
"Wimp am I? Would a wimp do this?"  
  
And with his ego injured, Draco made a grab for the bottle, took it and gulped the whole thing down in one go. As he placed the empty bottle back onto the table, Hermione frowned at him.  
  
"Who's the wimp now eh?" Draco's voice was slurred and it sounded like he was drunk already. He had drool dripping down his face and his ears were very red. Sweat was making him smell quite awful too, not to mention his breath.  
  
Inside Draco's head, everything was spinning, it was like he had drunk at least fifty bottles of fire-whisky and he couldn't see properly. He shook his head and could only hear Hermione calling out to him in her bossy, worried type voice.  
  
"Malfoy? Hello? Would you speak to me?"  
  
"Graijdjoabcdbklsahoreoofhjksklab . . . . Ugh."  
  
With those final Gobbledee gook words, Draco collapsed, straight onto Hermione, making her collapse as well. She scrambled up as quickly as she could, holding Draco in her arms so that he wouldn't fall on top of her again. She could see that Pansy was perfectly fine, still annoying the hell out of Blaise, and Padma seemed very happy too. She was just about to look over at some more couples when an elderly woman strode towards her.  
  
"Miss Granger? How did Mr Malfoy do?"  
  
"Er, slurred talking straight after drinking, and he's fainted, as you can see."  
  
"Lovely dear. Thank you and I hope you have a lovely day." And with those final words, the old woman ran off towards the crowd of white-coated people. Hermione looked down towards Draco, who was still lying on her and leaning against her like she was a cushion or something - this irritated her and made her want to slap him and even worse, mess up his hair.  
  
"May I have your attention please?" Dr. Granger spoke loudly into the microphone (A/N: If you think there are none because of this magical field thing and no technology working thing, then bare with me here - pretend that time has passed and new wizards have found a way for it to work!! So I'm not asking you to pretend it wasn't ever there).  
  
"I can now announce the results of the first experiment!!!!!! And for all those who thought we were poisoning you with these new drinks, think of it as a dangerous adventure that may lead to side effects!!!! And it only took about half an hour for all the experiments, warm ups and waiting!!!! So isn't it worth it to miss lessons for half an hour of work??? Anyway, the results we have found to be fairly interesting, the new drink only has side effects for the male specimen, as you can see if you look around - I mean, Mr Malfoy over there is using my poor niece as a leaning post!!!"  
  
Everyone turned to look at Hermione and Draco as she covered her face with her hands. Oh the embarrassment!!!! She could hear people sniggering from afar even with her eyes closed - it didn't help that Draco chose that precise moment to slobber all over her and 'snuggle' into her chest like a pillow.  
  
"Mummy can I have a cookie please?" Draco mumbled and Hermione could hear Harry laughing harder than anyone - and he was supposed to be her friend!!! Why didn't he sympathise with her?  
  
"Oooo what a pretty pumpkin!!" Ron mumbled as he drooled all over Lisa Turpin's and this time, Hermione couldn't resist the slight giggle.  
  
"ANYWAY, attention!!! As I was saying, the side effects are ONLY for the male specimen, the females have no problems whatsoever, and they feel even happier and more energetic than ever before. We are guessing the cause of the side effects is that one of the secret ingredients in this drink, that we have promised not to reveal, only attacks the specific cell that is in the males and not the females. Now, to remind the barmaid and the barmen of this discovery, we have decided to name this drink - that shall be dyed purple and shaken to give it a slight more fizz - Fe'minin paradis!!!" (AN: to all those people who don't know French, that means feminine paradise. I hope I've spelt it right, I've got a French dictionary with me right now ^.~)  
  
"Now, you all have the rest of the day off!!!" Serena exclaimed just as Dr. Granger sat and started to scribble things down on her notepad. "You may do what you please, and of course, talk to your friends, but I am afraid that YOU MUST stick by your partner!!!! Most of you have partners that you don't know very well, so, in order to know them better, it would be best to stay with them, but that doesn't mean you can't converse with other pairs while with your partner. This goes for all experiments, understood? Okay, of course those who have fainted partners must take them back to Hogwarts - the password is Lionheart!!! Have a nice day!!!"  
  
All the students started to rise as they made for the doorway. Hermione, however, couldn't even get up due to the fact that Draco was too heavy for her to carry, and she couldn't just leave him there.  
  
"Get your hands off him mudblood, you're not his type!!!" Pansy Parkinson strolled past, her arms linked with Blaise (who didn't look too happy about it). Hermione felt sorry for the poor boy.  
  
"Oh just get lost Parkinson, Hermione, we'll help you out." Harry and Padma smiled as they shooed Pansy and Blaise away, Harry slung Draco's arm over his shoulder while Hermione slung the other one over her shoulder.  
  
"Aren't you two helping Ron?"  
  
"No, Neville and Susan got him!!" Padma grinned - the thought of Neville trying to help someone seemed as successful as him not messing up in potions.  
  
"Padma, you could help us open the doors!!!" Hermione mumbled as she struggled to shift Draco. Even if Draco wasn't muscular and she had Harry's help, he was still BIG.  
  
"No, Hermione!!! Padma, don't open the doors just lead the way? Malfoy's head can open the doors for us!!!!! It's the least he can do for making us carry him!!!"  
  
So, that decision was made, and of course, they did eventually reach Hermione and Draco's room. When Draco eventually woke at around the time of dinner, he found that he had a horrible headache, and of course our Hermione isn't dumb enough to admit any accusations . . .  
  
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So . . . here it is!!! You know what to do, well you should by now, and just for the record, I know rape is a very serious matter and I shouldn't joke about it, I have nothing against fat people or gay people - I love them, so don't accuse me of anything and don't sue me for using those things!!!  
  
~Ran out of stupid things to sign off with,  
  
~Girl-who-can't-be-bothered-to-type-her-name-even-though-it's-shorter-than- this.  
  
PS. This is seventeen pages long on word, a record for me!!! I hope you all liked it and appreciate me giving you another chapter!!! PLEASE DO REVIEW SEEING AS I AM SO NICE!!! TEEHEE!!!!!!  
  
PPS. Go to bbc.com/bigread/vote and please vote for JK'S book Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire!! It is only 6th right now, and LORD OF THE RINGS (ah!) is FIRST!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, please, I have a thing against Lord of the Rings, please don't let it be first!!!!!!!! 


	5. ARRRRRRRRRRGH!

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!!  
  
WHOEVER GAVE ME SUGGESTIONS, YOU MAY NOTICE YOURS IN THIS CHAPTER, FORGOT WHO ACTUALLY GAVE ME THAT PARTICULAR SUGGESTION/S!!!  
  
SORRY FOR THE LOOOOOOOOOOONG WAIT!!!! MY INTERNET BUGGERED UP ON ME!!!! As you all should know . . .  
  
LOVELY THANKS TO ALL OF THE FOLLOWING:  
  
Happigolucki616 ~ Thanks!! I don't mind that you didn't review the other one, you reviewed this one!!! Which is all that should matter!!! I am so happy that you think it's hilarious, actually, funny isn't the word!!! Lol, I was never good with my vocab. nevermind . . . thanks for reviewing and the compliments as well!!! (Thanks for hoping I'd get the Internet back too ^.~)  
  
Loah ~ Like always, you have absolutely no idea how happy you liking the chapter and fic makes me!!! You like Ron too??? SO DO I!!!! (Hold on, I just stated the obvious, I mean, look at my name, duh!!) Lol, sorry, I'm kinda dim when I'm hyper.  
  
harryforeva ~ Thanks so much for reviewing once again, I can't thank you enough!! Here's the next one, I hope you enjoy this as much as the other one, or hopefully even more!!!  
  
Fluff ~ Long but it was good, I think. You'll recommend it?? YAY!!! Aw that is so nice of you, I'll try and recommend your fic too, at the end of this chappie!!! (If anyone's listening) The fat thing is always a right nerve to hit with Draco . . . as for the longer time update thing, I don't know, depends when I finish it really. Thanks so much for reviewing, the compliments EVERYTHING, you are awfully nice!!!!!  
  
Babmidnight ~ Lol, thanks, I didn't really know it was 'cute', thanks for reviewing and I hope you enjoy this chapter!!!  
  
Some12 ~ Thanks for the review and I actually think it was longer than twelve pages I typed, I'm not sure . . . I'm glad you liked it so much, and thanks SO much for that idea, I will use that one, that's a promise!!! What I have planned I cannot give away, as all should know, you'll just have to carry on and find out!!! SO, SOOOO sorry about the long wait on the update, I'll update the next chapter ASAP!!  
  
Someonelse ~ Thank you very much!!! I hope this chapter will be just as funny, fingers crossed!!! I don't know whether it is, which is why I need my reviewers to tell me!!! (In a nice way of course) Thanks again!!!  
  
Klee_babe ~ Thanks, YAY it's funny and not just weird, or was that the other one you reviewed that you thought was weird? I can't remember but I hope you read this chapter and you'll like it!!!!  
  
Smileyface1314 ~ Lol, I hope this one is just as funny as the last, although I seriously doubt it! I don't know whether people should make fun of Hermi, I mean, people at Hogwarts are quite nice aren't they? Anyway, lol on your dad!!! Show him this note to you because I'm telling him now THAT I TOLD YOU TO EAT THE COOKIE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Voldie on Varsity track ~ to be perfectly honest, I have no idea whether I've used one of your suggestions - my mind is blank!!! Lol, that suggestion you put just made me crack up when I read it, one because Aunt Emi is married to Hermione's uncle (which makes her a aunt) and she's not a lesbian!!!! But it was a very nice suggestion, thanks!!!!  
  
Burgundyred ~I LOVE YOU!!! (Don't take that too seriously) I'm so happy you're reviewing both my ficcys!!! That is so nice, I especially love this fic because I can use lots of exclamation marks, HAHA!!!! Lol, sorry about that.  
  
Plaidly Lush ~ Yes . . . well . . . the title of this fic does say a lot huh? Thanks for the review!  
  
ANON. 327 ~ Lol, okay . . . that's nice, but RON ROCKS HARD COR!! I love him, I really do, but not enough to interfere with my REAL life, so that I seem daft. You didn't exactly comment, but it was nice of you to review anyway.  
  
Eventuality ~ Thanks so much, and I hope you like this chapter, I have tried! Please review after you've read this!  
  
NO SPOILERS HERE.  
  
CHAPTER SIX: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Me no speak English, even if I typed many fics that are English and am speaking English now, I don't speak English - DON'T SUE ME. J.K.Rowling good English woman who owns Potter Harry, plot tis mine, sue who takes plot!!  
  
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Hermione's alarm clock started to beep at exactly 7:30am. She groaned and rolled around. Using the pillow to cover her head, Hermione tried to get more sleep.  
  
"GRANGER!!!!!!!!! SHUT THAT STUPID ALARM OFF NOW!"  
  
Hermione groaned as she put her hands over her pillow to further deafen the surrounding noise (now from the alarm clock AND a certain blonde git that was shouting at her). A bang made Hermione's head shoot up, flipping the pillow onto the floor. She could feel herself levitate off her bed, her head hitting the roof of the four-poster.  
  
"Wha -  
  
Hermione looked up dreamily and gasped as she saw that the whole of the Hogwarts Lake was around her, even below her. She twisted her head round to see a smirking Draco, his wand pointing straight at her.  
  
"Granger, don't look down."  
  
Having said that, he made her flip upside down using his wand so that she had no choice BUT to look down - how did he know Hermione was scared of heights?  
  
"AAAAHHHHHHHH!! MALFOY LET ME DOWN FROM HERE!! MAAAAALFOY!!"  
  
Hermione closed her eyes to calm herself, this was the reason why she had never played quidditch before . . .  
  
"Now, now Granger, what way to ask someone to put them down! If I did, you'd just drop straight into the lake with a plop. I'd understand if you want to be cold, wet and drippy though."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Maybe I'll consider putting you safely back into the room if you said . . . . Malfoy is the greatest man alive?? Oh wait, Draco Malfoy is the greatest man alive and is the sexiest too!!!! That would do brilliantly."  
  
"NOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
"Say it or you're going down Missy."  
  
"DRACO MALFOY IS THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE AND IS THE SEXIEST TOO!!!!"  
  
"Louder now."  
  
"DRACO MALFOY IS THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE AND IS THE SEXIEST TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Better."  
  
'Great,' Hermione thought, 'I'm hanging out of my bedroom window, over a gigantic lake, and people who have decided to skip breakfast and are heading to their lessons are now staring at me and someone who I think is related to Colin Creevey has started to take pictures . . . just FANTASTIC. Just be thankful Hermione that you're wearing pyjama pants and not a nightgown . . .'  
  
"Now say . . . Potter wets himself and Weasley is a gay twat."  
  
"NOOOOO, I SAID WHAT YOU WANTED NOW LET ME DOWN!!!!!"  
  
"Tut, tut, tut Granger, is that anyway to talk to Draco Malfoy, the greatest man alive and the sexiest too, after all, you said it yourself."  
  
"ARRRRRRRGH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, HELPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"  
  
"No one can save you Granger, my dear little mudblood, now SAY IT, and be good."  
  
"POTTER WETS HIMSELF AND WEASLEY IS A GAY TWAT!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione could now hear people giggling from below and she could dizzily (due to the blood rushing to her head) see people pointing up at her, their books lay forgotten on the floor as they continued to stare at the amazingly levitating bushy blob.  
  
"That's a good girl . . .now say DRACO MALFOY IS IN NO WAY GAY."  
  
"UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Granger, if you don't listen to me, you'll fall straight into the nice, cold, freezing lake."  
  
"DRACO MALFOY IS IN NO WAY GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Draco Malfoy is in no way fat."  
  
"DRACO MALFOY IS IN NO WAY FAT!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"I love Draco Malfoy and have done ever since I laid eyes on his gorgeous self!!!!!!!"  
  
"I LOVE DRACO MALFOY AND HAVE DONE EVER SINCE I LAID EYES ON HIS GORGEOUS SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Hold on, listeniano, now everyone from 100 miles around can hear you."  
  
Hermione groaned, people were now whispering as well as giggling and just laughing out loud, and now even more people had gathered below her (she may have been over the lake, but there was a giant field that led to the lake from Hogwarts and her room just had to be that patch of lake that was nearest to that field of grass). To top it all off, Harry had now stuck his head out of the giant window in his room and was staring at her, his eyebrows knotted together.  
  
"Now say it Granger, or your St. Potter can't even save you."  
  
"I LOVE DRACO MALFOY AND HAVE DONE EVER SINCE I LAID EYES ON HIS GORGEOUS SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
She screamed the whole sentence as quickly as she could, but from the burst of laughter below her and Harry's shocked face, she knew that everyone had heard it quickly enough. As she felt and saw, herself levitate back into the room, she knew that she was bright red - from the sudden blood rushing to her head and the embarrassment of announcing her new 'love' to the entire school.  
  
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Hermione was absolutely fuming by the time she had reached number 13 of the muggle studies area. Ron and Harry had left without her and she had had to walk down there with sneers from all the Slytherin people, telling her that Draco would never go out with her in a million years, and that she should die for all he cared. Hermione couldn't do anything but put up with this, but what hurt her the most was what the people from the other houses had said to her, especially the people from Gryffindor, calling her a traitor and such. Draco, of course, found the utmost pleasure in it all.  
  
Hermione didn't even get any peace when she was eating breakfast, as the Slytherin's there (including Pansy and Blaise, Blaise the one that you just had to feel sorry for) were all making fun of her 'dangling-out-of-the- window' incident that morning. She banged her head on the table extra hard.  
  
"Excuse me Miss?"  
  
A young wizard with long brown hair tapped Hermione on the shoulder. He was also in a white coat and wearing professional looking glasses (you know Legolas from Lord of the Rings? He looks like him, except with glasses and brown hair instead of blonde). Hermione made no reaction, not a twitch, not anything. It was like she was dead or something. The young wizard turned to Draco.  
  
"Excuse me Mister, is she your partner, I need to know what she has eaten today."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"To see whether the food has anything to do with her performance in the warm up and experiments that she shall be doing today."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why what? Why we have to know whether it has anything to do with the food?? Mainly because it is for Dr. Granger's studies, to see if what you eat has anything to do with learning performance. It has been done, yes, but we are going to investigate further into it than just cereal and calcium etc."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why what? Why you are asking why is totally unexplainable to me, care you to make me relieved of my confusion?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why should you explain? Because all these why's are making me confused!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why what? I simply cannot understand you."  
  
"Wh -  
  
Draco couldn't even finish his why as Hermione had leapt from across the table and started to strangle him - hard. (The scene was much like how Homer strangles Bart in the Simpsons, except I'm sure you'll agree that Hermione is much prettier than Homer, even if she isn't a lovely beauty queen, actually, I PRAY that you'll agree with me on that one) Draco's head could now be seen as a blue 'thing', while Hermione was as red as a beetroot.  
  
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"Hermione dear let go of the young gentleman!!!!!!"  
  
"GENTLEMAN MY ARSE, THIS IS ONE GAY, FAT, STUPID, ANNOYING, IDIOTIC, IGNORANT, POSH, SNOBBY, UPSTUCK, JERK OF A BASTA -  
  
"Well Hermione, he can't help being what he is. Can't you like him for who he really is?"  
  
"THE FACT IS I DON'T LIKE HIM!!!!!! HE IS SUCH A JERK, HE BLOODY DANGLED ME FROM OUR BEDROOM WINDOW THIS MORNING FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!"  
  
"Calm down now Miss, no need to resort to murder, what can you do anyway?"  
  
" . . . Let . . . go . . . of . . . jerk's . . . neck . . . would . . . be . . . an . . . idea."  
  
Draco choked out between gasps for air, his face looking more demented than he would ever want it to look. His words of 'wisdom' did no good as Hermione only strangled him harder.  
  
"Whoohoo!!!!!!! Go Hermione!!!!! Girl power!!!" Ron cheered as he stuffed another pumpkin pasty down his throat, resulting in a choking fit.  
  
". . . Granger . . ."  
  
"Malfoy, say, I AM A GAY TWAT."  
  
"I . . . am . . . a . . . gay . . . twat."  
  
"I AM A GAY AND FAT DWEEB."  
  
"Hehe . . . you . . . just . . . said . . . you're . . . a . . . gay . . . and . . . fat . . . dweeb . . ."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione's grip on Draco's neck got tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter . . . . until Draco found his wand in his robe pocket and stuck it in her chest.  
  
The strangling stopped . . . for a while anyway. They glared hard at each other, willing one of them to move first. It was a matter of waiting really, Draco waiting for Hermione to let go of his neck so he could mutter a curse, Hermione waiting for Draco to stop pointing his wand at her so she could continue to strangle him, shame that they were both not stupid enough to move.  
  
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"Go left!!"  
  
"No, right!!!"  
  
"I said, left!!!"  
  
"AND I SAID RIGHT!!!"  
  
"BUT IT'S LEFT!!"  
  
The two were of course bickering, AGAIN. But this time it was over which way to move. Of course you may be wondering why they didn't just move their separate ways, or even wondering whether Hermione managed to strangle Draco, or vice versa except with a wand. Well the truth was, neither of them managed to kill each other, for at that moment, Snape stormed into the breakfast room and had cast a spell known to all standard wizards and witches as a 'double body binding spell' that tied an invisible robe tightly around the stomach and hands of the two nearest people that the spell was aimed at, in this case, Hermione and Draco (it didn't help that they were tied together, facing each other either). That should have explained BOTH situations, now it was the warm up and the task at hand would have been quite simple, had they not been tied together.  
  
Once again, Serena and Dr Granger were in charge of them, and the warm up was supposed to be for two people, one at a time. The person would have to find himself or herself out of a real life maze, and whoever had the quickest time to get out was the winner (of course the person who went second was blindfolded as to not cheat by looking at how the first person did it).  
  
Hermione and Draco, however, could not be timed separately, therefore, they were both given a harder life size maze than any other pair as they were expected to work together to get out - the problem here is the word TOGETHER.  
  
"Granger, I said LEFT."  
  
"Fine, we'll go left."  
  
"No, I think I'll go right."  
  
"Malfoy are you doing this deliberately to annoy me? BECAUSE IT SURE IS WORKING SO YOU CAN QUIT IT NOW!!!!!!" Hermione spat in Draco's face. He frowned and looked upset. 'Could it be possible that the great Draco Malfoy was having - dare she think it - FEELINGS?????'  
  
"Ew mudblood, you got mudblood spit on me! GET THE DISINFECTANT!!!!!!"  
  
'Thought too soon . . .'  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Hermione tried to move her hands to grasp the young ferret's scrawny neck, but as they were tied, she couldn't and it only resulted in a giant tumble and stumble thing, meaning in normal language, Hermione collapsing onto Draco.  
  
"Mudblood you're squashing me, get up.'  
  
"If I could do that, I would have by now." She muttered through gritted teeth as she struggled to try and get back on her feet. As Draco had so gracefully put it, the fact that she was SQUASHING him didn't help in the situation.  
  
"Look Granger, it's obvious that you can't get up with your weedy strength and your enormous weight, roll over and I'll do it."  
  
"What exactly do you mean by WEEDY strength and ENORMOUS weight?"  
  
"Do you not understand English Granger? I mean that you are pathetic and VERY HEAVY, simple language meaning FAT."  
  
"Malfoy you're the one that's fat! I'd look like a pancake if I rolled over so that you could use your so called 'strength'"  
  
"At least I do have strength and muscle while your muscle's just gone to flab."  
  
"FLAB?????I HAVE NO FLAB."  
  
"That's what you think."  
  
"ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Times up!"  
  
A door nearby flung open as Dr Granger and Serena strode over and struggled to get them both up. They eventually did, but it wasn't easy, especially when Draco kept on moaning that he had been squashed and scarred by mudblood germs for life, resulting in another tumble by Hermione, who was desperately trying to attack him with her head.  
  
"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU STUPID GIT!!!!!!!!!"  
  
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"Attention, may I have your attention please!"  
  
Dr Granger banged her spoon on her wine cup and stood, smiling in a cheerful way. Serena was also standing next to her, sticking her chest out proudly as everyone turned to look up at the table of white coated people and one professor - this time it was Snape, his greasy hair gleaming in the light of the magical candles. They were sitting in the Three Broomsticks once again, even though the maze was situated in Hogwarts, they had travelled to Hogsmeade to meet up with everyone else. The mumbling all around stopped and Dr Granger beamed at the students.  
  
"Now, today is the second day of our experiments and indeed I have to say that yesterday was a complete success!! Even though most of the males did get quite drunk, and they were very heavy, I'm sure that you all had a wonderful time!! My lovely niece Hermione, for instance, was very happy with Mr Potter and Miss Patil when she used Mr Malfoy's head to break down doors!!!"  
  
Draco scowled as Hermione fluttered her eyelids and tried to look as innocent as possible, only succeeding in looking as guilty as could be. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Harry looking around, trying to look like he hadn't done anything, while Padma was just trying to hex Pansy Parkinson, who was prodding her and trying to find a reason why she would ever use 'Coco's beautiful head of gold' to break down doors.  
  
"Anyway, today's experiment will be to take these -  
  
Dr Granger nodded to Serena, who mumbled a spell under her breath. A large trolley immediately tumbled through the pub window, making the stain glass crash to the floor in shatters. Serena awkwardly smiled as the young wizard who had questioned Hermione about her breakfast, waved his wand and immediately the trolley stopped crashing around and screeched to a halt straight in front of Hermione and Draco (who were still tied together in case you were wondering).  
  
"These are pills from the witch doctor Edwina Sally herself!! And they are split into two," Serena stepped over to the trolley and pulled out a packet of pills, "The first group - the blue ones - is to test on the male specimen, so if you got a lower time than your partner to get out of that maze, and you are a boy, you'll be taking these. These other ones, which are the red ones, are for the female specimen. Now the blue male pills are supposed to be the ultimate transformation! They are supposed to turn all male's into females for about 24 hours!!! The red pills are the same, except they turn the female into a male!! Anyway, your job is to take them and make sure they work and do what they're supposed to!!"  
  
Serena began to push the trolley towards a pair of people by the door.  
  
"Now, Serena over there will ask you who got the lowest time, then she shall toss you the appropriate pills to take. In case anything happens, only ONE of you shall take either one of the pills!! Now, be prepared for the consequences!!"  
  
Hermione and Draco waited and waited and waited and waited for Serena to come round with the trolley full of pills. By the time she did, she didn't even need to ask who got the lowest time. She just grinned a knowing grin and stepped away from the trolley, only to be replaced a few seconds later by Snape, a knowing smirk plastered on his face, suiting his long crooked nose quite well.  
  
"Well, have you two learned not to annoy all of us with your countless bickering? Promise me that you will not argue and I shall free you."  
  
Hermione clenched her jaw, "I promise with all my heart and all my life that if I ever argue with Draco Malfoy again, I shall be a Gryffindor."  
  
Draco smirked, "I promise with my family name and my hair that if I argue with Granger once again, I shall be a good little Slytherin."  
  
Snape waved his wand and uttered the counter curse, only to realise that they had both tricked him by twisting their words. Snape scowled and glared angrily at the two of them.  
  
"For that you shall be punished Miss Granger, Mr Malfoy," Snape growled in a low hiss, "Originally, you two would not have to suffer the consequences of these maniac experiments for one day, but seeing as you have the foolishness to trick me, I shall make you two BOTH suffer!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Ahem."  
  
Snape tossed the pills, red and blue, onto the table and strode stiffly onto the next table, causing Neville to faint, as it was his table.  
  
Hermione and Draco sat and stared at the pills lying in front of them, waiting for the other to go first so that they could maybe get out of taking them. But the longer they waited, the more impatient they grew.  
  
"Malfoy, why don't you be a gentleman and take the pills first?"  
  
"Because I'm not a gentleman, really Granger you should know me by now."  
  
"Oh, so you're just too chicken - are you?"  
  
"I'm not falling for that again, last time I did, you ended up bashing my head against bloody stone doors."  
  
"Fine then, I'll take it first!"  
  
Hermione had no idea what had urged her to do so, but before she knew what on earth she was doing, she had grabbed the red pills and popped them into her mouth. With one gulp, she swallowed them whole. Hermione took a deep breath as the taste of vile filled her mouth.  
  
"Go on Malfoy, I've done it, your turn now."  
  
Draco nodded and did the same with his pills. They both sat for a few seconds, watching the other couples and seeing if they had changed. More seconds passed and still Hermione felt no change, she stared into space, starting to get bored . . .  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
A scream next to her and somewhere to her right signalled the first changes that had happened. Draco sprung up, as did the other person - which Hermione could now see as Harry. Her eyes widened as she let out a fit of laughter. The sight in front of her was absolutely hilarious; the pills had definitely NOT worked.  
  
Draco, instead of changing into a woman, now had a gigantic stomach instead of breasts, while Harry did not have an enormous stomach, but had an enormous pair of breasts that made his shirt underneath his robes rise so much, you could see his belly button.  
  
Draco scowled at Hermione and rubbed his expanded stomach as she continued to laugh.  
  
"And what, pray tell, is so funny?"  
  
"You . . . HA, with your . . . HAHAHAHA, you're . . . . PREGNANT!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! And Harry's got enormous boobs!!!!!! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!" Hermione gasped through fits of laughter. She abruptly stopped as Draco sent another death glare. Saying in her best smartass voice, she said:  
  
"Before you try to strangle me Malfoy, first thing you should know is that strangling does not work on me, now tell me something, who's the father?"  
  
Hermione burst into fits of laughter once again as Draco pounced onto her, his arms outstretched. Hermione continued to laugh, and she laughed even harder when Draco began to tickle her. He was mumbling something along the lines of 'If I can't strangle you, I'll tickle you to death!'  
  
"HEHEHEHEHEHEHE . . . . . . . . Malfoy . . . . . you really . . . . HEHE . . . shouldn't . . . . be . . . . so . . . . HEHEHE . . . .active!!!! Think . . . . of the . . . . . BABY!!!!!"  
  
Draco scowled and stopped, getting up off Hermione as she stopped laughing as much, wiping a tear from her eye. For a while the whole wizarding pub was silent, Draco began to smirk as Harry rolled on the floor with laughter.  
  
"What?" Hermione gasped, her voice . . . . IT HAD BROKEN!!!! 'NOOOOOO!!!!'  
  
"I see your voice has broken as well as you growing a beard Granger, and might I say that that beard suits you very well."  
  
Hermione's eyes grew wide as Draco's words sunk in . . . . . . . A BEARD??????? SHE HAD A BEARD??????? 'NOOOOO!!!!' She thought, all this in ONE DAY?? Not good, definitely not good.  
  
She instinctively reached towards her chin and felt it, it was definitely there, and as bushy as her hair was (which was very in case you didn't realise). She felt like crying at that moment as the whole pub burst into fits of laughter at the sight of her, Draco and Harry . . . . . . . . . . . until they saw themselves in the reflective window and saw that they either had a beard too, or overgrown breasts.  
  
"Ahem!!! Excuse me!!!" Dr Granger tried to shout above the noise of screams, gasps, laughter etc.  
  
"Just say: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!" Serena smiled sweetly as all heads turned towards them.  
  
"Thank you Serena dear, now, I see all of you have suffered from the consequences of these pills . . . er . . . well for the men transformation pill, the blue pills, I guess it does change you into a woman -  
  
"Yeah, I woman with bloody enormous breasts that are inhuman!!!!" Blaise called out, a Pansy sniffing her tears up as she tried to look down at her shaggy beard, combing it with her fingers to try and make it more . . . . fashionable.  
  
"Yes . . . but, it does work doesn't it? Just with side effects -  
  
"No, I don't feel anything different down there!!" A boy from Gryffindor shouted, as he pushed his oversized breasts in and out, and in and out, and in and out and so on, playing around with them and trying to see whether any milk would come out.  
  
" - yes, but -  
  
"Look at Malfoy for god's sake!!!" Ron shouted angrily, his ears red. He nearly toppled over in anger as his chest was now weighing him down.  
  
"Yes, Mr Malfoy I am terribly sorry you know, I think it's just you that has it in the stomach, I mean . . . maybe it's your genes? Are you allergic? Don't worry though, I'm sure we can turn you back to normal! Always be optimistic!! Now, the girls . . . I'm sure there's nothing to worry about girls, there's always the trusty razor!! I'm sure you'll all remember when you started shaving pubic hair . . ."  
  
"Miss, I did SO not use a razor!!! I waxed!! How can I wax this hell hole??" Lavender muttered VERY loudly, pointing to her chin, a long and pointed beard continually growing from it.  
  
"Don't worry me dears, I'll be sending these back to Edwina Sally -  
  
"AND telling her that these in no way can go on the market!" Hermione stated matter-of-factly, her voice still very low - like a boy's. It seemed to her that everyone else still had their normal voices, it was like Malfoy's side effects, he didn't have enormous breasts that weighed him down, instead a gigantic stomach, but she had a beard like every other girl AND a broken voice.  
  
"Yes Hermione honey, that exactly, now we have some doctors here in case anything ever went wrong, I'm going to split all of you into three groups, if I say one to you, you go with Susie and Angel over there,"  
  
Dr Granger pointed towards the first two leaders, two young women who could be no older than 25. Dr Granger then continued to speak.  
  
"If I say to you two, please join Caesar and Marc over here, to my left, and if I say three, please join Donna and Kyle with Professor Snape over there by the door."  
  
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Draco and Hermione along with all the other pairs that had been sent to Donna and Kyle sat in silence. Harry and Padma had been put with Susie and Angel, while Ron and Lisa had been put with Caesar and Marc. Hermione seethed with anger, today was not a good day, she could definitely say that it was one of the worst days she had ever experienced. Now she couldn't even read aloud to herself anymore without the whole room bursting into fits of giggles!  
  
"Psst! Granger!" Draco whispered.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Okay, first you sound like Goyle, second, you don't think that I'm, you know, REALLY pregnant am I? I mean, how is that possible?"  
  
"Malfoy you should know better than to say that it's not possible, you are after all, a pureblood that has lived in the world of magic, where anything is possible, for all your life."  
  
Draco scowled and rubbed his stomach, looking more and more motherly by the second.  
  
"Miss Hermione Granger and Mr Draco Malfoy please." Donna called. Hermione and Draco both stood (Draco with difficulty as his stomach was so big). They both entered a small room through a door near a big bookcase. They sat on a comfortable sofa positioned in front of a two-person desk. The walls of the room were green, the floor a polished wood that you could maybe see your own reflection if you bothered to look. Donna had short black hair and small glasses that made her look intelligent, while Kyle had short blonde spiky hair that made him look cool and collected. They both wore stethoscopes around their necks; Snape was standing in a corner, a table of small bottles of purple liquid beside him and a small smile on his lips.  
  
"Now, Mr Malfoy, I'll check your stomach to see if there is an actual baby in there, then see if I can fix it for you, while Donna shall be showing you, Miss Granger, over to Mr Snape."  
  
Hermione walked over to the table in front of Snape with Donna closely behind her, she sat quietly and suspiciously down on the chair positioned in front of the table, wondering why on earth it was there.  
  
"Now Miss Granger is it? My name is Donna Wilkins, a healer from St Mungos and yes, a qualified one. Now you mustn't worry yourself, we have found a solution to your . . . masculinity, and it is indeed in those bottles straight in front of you. Mr Snape over here brewed these potions in case of any side effects like this, he shall explain more while I try and help Kyle examine Mr Malfoy."  
  
Donna gave a curt nod and turned to see that Draco was now waddling around the room, trying to prevent Kyle from examining his stomach (Kyle was now chasing Draco around the room, Donna joined their chase) Hermione tried to avoid the stare that Snape was giving her, as well as a pregnant Draco trying to run away. Now was not the time to get nervous at someone's gaze . . . she knew that, but being changed into practically an old man with a bushy beard and hair to match wasn't exactly one of the most self confident moments she had ever experienced . . .  
  
"Now, Miss Granger, these potions shall change you back to normal, and let me tell you that they only work for the girls. Some idiot sneaked up here and drunk one, a BOY, and he turned into a lovely warthog, so don't be surprised to see him crawling around. But I must warn you that these may have side effects, are you able to handle the consequences?"  
  
"Will I change back eventually, even without the potion?"  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow and tried very hard not to laugh at Hermione's 'broken' voice, although in the end he couldn't suppress the wide smirk that grew on his face.  
  
"Yes, those healers over there estimate about . . . two months before the beard at least disappears magically, but might I recommend Miss Granger, that you take the potion no matter what the consequences, for even though I am the head of Slytherin house, and you are the favourite student of Gryffindor, you are paired with my favourite student, and I would not like him to suffer all the names that he would be called by being with someone who is half man and half woman."  
  
She hesitated, what if the side effects were even worse? But then again, what could be worse than having people mistake you for man, when even when you were normal looking people still mistook you for a man? Did people mistake her for a man?? Snape had got her so muddled, she didn't care, she was in no way having people mistake her for a boy!!!!  
  
"I'll take it!!!"  
  
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I know I kind of ranted on, and it isn't even the end of ONE day yet! I thought if I carried on it would be too long, which I guess it is, although some of you would call this average! I have this feeling it waffled on . . . slightly . . . maybe quite a bit . . .  
  
~Girl-who-is-hyper-drinking-coke-what-is-she-like-when-she-drinks-alchohol . . .  
  
PS. I made a mistake in the last chapter! AH! I put that Draco would have written to his father, but I forgot that I said he was dead right at the beginning of this fic.  
  
PPS. Okay, I might not update in a while as I am on a writer's block for this fic. I will update, no doubt I will but it's hard to make the chapters funny as I don't normally write funny fics. All I'm saying is don't rush me, but I WILL UPDATE ASAP! REVIEW AND MAKE ME TYPE FASTER!  
  
PPPS. Here's a recommended read: READ FLUFF'S FIC - THE BACHELOR!!!  
  
PPPPS. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY it took this long!!! Like I said at the top, and before this, my Internet went haywire, the phone didn't work so my AOL wouldn't connect, I am so sorry!!! Please carry on reading and reviewing this fic, pleeeeeeease!!! It would mean SO much to me!!!! 


	6. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!!  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU TO:  
  
~ Loah ~ Lol, thanks for the review and thanks for the comment in the review, it's nice to know that someone found it funny!!  
  
~ Happigolucki ~ YAY, another person who thought it was funny!! Thank you so much for the review, and I only hope (and pray) that this chapter will be just as good, although I am not sure, seeing as I am the writer and my opinion does not count for anything!!  
  
~Smileyface1314 ~ Thank you!! Although the idea I have to say was due to one of the suggestions that got suggested by one of my reviewers, to then I THANK YOU!!! I love suggestions, I think they're what makes up a truly brill fic!!  
  
~Cacti-chan ~ Thanks, I only hope this chapter will make people laugh as well (because I really don't want them to be TOO OOC and it is so hard)! Thank you for the review once again, and please do review again after you've read this! It would make me so grateful! (And happy but everyone knows that already)  
  
~Some12 ~ Thanks!! Here's the update, although I doubt it was really posted as soon as you would have preferred it to be, but there you go. I hope you REALLY enjoy this chapter, as then I would feel like you need more (hint, hint) Lol . . .  
  
~ Burgundyred ~ Thank you very, very much!! The idea, I have to say that was thanks to one of the suggestions that were sent in from one of my reviewers! You know what's weird though? My friend read the chapter, and she laughed at exactly the same parts! Especially the waddling part!! I find that REALLY creepy . . .  
  
CHAPTER SEVEN: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that is actually used in the making of this fanfiction, apart from the computer of course, teehee!!! For all who are bored enough to read the disclaimer, be sure to skip it next time and just read the goddamn chapter!!! (That wasn't meant to sound bad . . . please don't hurt me!)  
  
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"So Malfoy . . . you really pregnant?"  
  
Hermione asked as she sipped her tea. She was doing her best to try and have a civil conversation with Draco, after all, getting angry so much, so often, did her absolutely no good.  
  
"Kind of." Draco replied as he rubbed his still bloated stomach and sipped some of his tea. You may be wondering what on earth they were doing, sipping tea and discussing stuff so nicely, and what happened to Hermione's moustache and beard.  
  
You should have realised by now that Draco is still pregnant in a way, Hermione's beard is gone because of the potion, and her broken voice is also fixed. The rest of the boy's breasts were healable, and the girl's beards were shaven, now the only mutant left is our dear little Draco boy.  
  
It had been about twenty-four hours since the predicament in the doctor's office now. Today, Dr Granger and all the other white-coated people had given them a day off, to recover from the disastrous effects of the second experiment. By 'day off' she actually meant 'staying locked into your bedroom with your partner and no way out'.  
  
Now Draco and Hermione were sitting in front of the gigantic glass wall and looking out towards the lake, watching the mist gather over it. The reason for why they were trying to be civil to each other was all because of Dr Granger. After they had both exited Donna and Kyle's office, Dr Granger and Serena had met them outside and assigned both of them (yep, you guessed it) therapists. Draco had been assigned an elderly man named Stanley, while Hermione was assigned an elderly woman by the name of Betty.  
  
What Betty and Stanley told Draco and Hermione to do, was at least try and be civil to each other, for their own good (after all, stress does the human being no favours).  
  
"What on earth do you mean by 'kind of'?"  
  
"Depends on what you call pregnant."  
  
"Well, I mean pregnant as in, HAVING A BABY. What did you think I meant?"  
  
"No, I'm not pregnant like that. Thought you meant pregnant as in fat. Which I am, NOW, I wasn't then - get that straight."  
  
"Yeah . . . . . . right."  
  
"I WAS NOT FAT WOMAN!"  
  
"Mmm hmm, that's what you think."  
  
"Ugh!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione let out an evil maniac laugh as Draco scowled and prodded his stomach. She looked at his bloated stomach and let out another laugh, this one more cheerful than maniac-evil-genius-with-dumb-idea's laugh.  
  
"Sure! Laugh at my expense, at least I'm not frickin' purple!!!"  
  
"Yeah? Well . . . . . . . . . ." Hermione stopped and took a deep breath, arguing did no good, that's what Betty had said. 'Arguing never solves anything' she had said in that annoying tone of hers. Indeed Hermione was purple, it was the only side effects of that potion, and personally, Hermione preferred being a pretty shade of purple than a bushy man.  
  
"Malfoy, I am not going to argue with you right now."  
  
"HA! Just cus' you can't think of anything to say, and I thought you were reasonably clever, you purple freak."  
  
"What happened to the civil thing ferret boy?"  
  
"Nothing, it's still here just . . . . . . . . . . . here and not."  
  
"You do realise that that makes no sense whatsoever."  
  
"That's what you think."  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. 'Oh well,' she thought, 'that bushy beard's gone at least, and purple isn't exactly a bad colour, at least it's not red, imagine what would happen if a bull got into the room . . .'  
  
As you can imagine, being stuck in the same room trying to be friendly towards your worst enemy for a whole day wasn't exactly heaven. In fact, Hermione wouldn't have even minded if she had spent the whole day arguing, just anything but dumb, boring . . . . silence. The windows had even been locked to prevent any form of contact from owls. Basically, this whole day off thing was just part of Dr Granger's studies to see what they did without any form of contact with anyone apart from your partner.  
  
Hermione sighed and got up, placing her teacup next to the tray of biscuits that the house elves had given them at the start of the day to last until the following morning. Yep, it was official, Hermione's dear Aunt Emi was trying to murder her for some unknown reason.  
  
"Where you going Granger?"  
  
"Hermione is my name."  
  
"Right . . . . I repeat, where you going Granger?"  
  
"Trunk."  
  
"I never knew there was a place in Hogwarts called Trunk."  
  
"There isn't."  
  
"Then where you going? I'm bored."  
  
"We're not allowed to leave this room remember? And anyway, why should I tell you?"  
  
"Because you should always tell a pregnant woman everything!"  
  
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "When did you become a woman Malfoy?"  
  
Draco's lips curved into a wide smirk as he replied, "How nice of you to not doubt my manhood for once Granger, and I thought you thought that I was gay."  
  
'Great, he's just gone and twisted my words again,' Hermione thought angrily as she tried to control her temper, if her therapist charged into the room when she started to stab Malfoy then they'd think she was a lunatic! That is, if they didn't already . . .  
  
"Anyway, I'm a pregnant man which makes matters worse, now tell me!!! TELL ME ALL YOUR SECRETS!"  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes and kneeled down, opening her trunk and peering inside. Draco, being the nosey git he was - naturally, peered in as well, looking for any form of blackmail that he could use against Hermione some time in an emergency. For example, any saucy underwear (edible underwear would be a bonus) or any porn mags featuring woman, that would be sure evidence that she was a lesbian.  
  
"Malfoy, stop peering over my shoulder! You won't find anything that you're hoping for, and trust me, I know what you're looking for. My underwear would never be big enough for YOU to wear!!!"  
  
"Oh aren't they Granger? Golly gosh I never knew that!!! You know perfectly well that's not what I'm looking for, anyway, what are you looking for?"  
  
"A solution to your 'pregnancy'. I don't even see how you got pregnant in the first place! But I'm going to see if I can find it in this book I got for my birthday from Ron's mother, Mrs Weasley, she bought it because she knew I needed some light reading."  
  
Hermione brought an enormous book (triple the size of JK's Order of the Phoenix) and dumped it on the desk, careful not to spill any tea. She glared at Draco as he continued to pretend to have a coughing fit - the glaring was due to the 'coughsmartasscough'. Pointing her wand directly as the centre of the book, she muttered a spell and immediately, the book automatically flicked to page 1117.  
  
"It says here that pregnancy in the Wizarding world is basically the same as it is in the muggle world. It's got all the normal explanations . . ."  
  
Hermione muttered to herself, scanning the book pages to see if she could find the exact thing that she was looking for.  
  
"Found it!"  
  
She beckoned the curious Draco over with her free hand, the other pointing to a moving picture of a wizard on the page. Draco looked more closely at the wizard in the picture. He had his hands on his hips, and the part that was moving was his stomach, it was growing, and then decreasing once again, like a fast forward version in a cartoon, the stomach growing and shrinking and growing and shrinking and growing and shrinking . . .  
  
"'The balding man in this picture to the left, was an experiment of the former teacher of Transfiguration in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry about 1000 years ago, when Hogwarts had first begun. This Transfiguration teacher was known as Loofmot, and was very inexperienced, also loving to experiment with his skills on transfiguring. Soon, he had begun experiments on humans - wizards and witches in the local village of Hogsmeade. This particular experiment resulted in a pregnant man when Loofmot tried to transfigure a local shopkeeper into a woman. There was no actual baby growing in his stomach, but indeed the swollen stomach did not disappear until Loofmot found that it would only disappear under certain circumstances. Loofmot had not enough magic to transfigure this man back into a proper man, but he found that the spell could be reversed once the shopkeeper recognised his manliness once more. His wife soon did the trick.'"  
  
Around the room, silence could only be heard. Slowly, Hermione gulped, a lump suddenly trapped in her throat.  
  
"So . . . . that's the solution Malfoy! See ya!! I'm going to have a shower!!!"  
  
Hermione hurriedly rushed into the bathroom, not even bothering to take any clothes, or even a towel, for she knew what was coming next. Oh, she knew ALL TOO well.  
  
"Not so fast Granger," Draco stood calmly, as Hermione stopped in her tracks, she could feel a hard, cold wand sticking into her back. "Move and you'll be dangling out of that window again."  
  
Hermione gulped, trying her best to stay calm about the situation, and trying to swallow the growing lump in her throat.  
  
"Now turn around and face me."  
  
She did rather obediently, fear reflecting in her eyes (like when those cute little doggies get scared!!! Aw how sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!!!!).  
  
"Good. I see you've learnt from that little incident yesterday, not to mess with me. Now, my dear little mudblood, I want to get rid of this stomach, and no doubt you want me to stop moaning on and on and on and on and on about it?"  
  
"No duh." Her voice sounded sore, but what could she do? STAND AND NOD?????? Okay, so she could do that, but that's not the point!!!  
  
"Well, you even read it in the book. I need to regain my 'manliness' and to do that I need contact with the opposite sex, and as I can't get out of this room, and I guess you can count as a girl if you drink enough fire whisky, you'll have to do. Now will you cooperate or not?"  
  
"Well seeing as you have a bloody wand in your hand that's pointing straight at my chest, and you bloody well know how to use a wand as much as I hate to admit it, I can't re -  
  
Hermione was gobsmacked. She couldn't even move due to shock, she was just . . . . . .. AH. She could feel Draco's enormous stomach against her flat one, and she could feel his warmth as he prised her mouth open with his tongue and turned an innocent (HA!) kiss into a full on snog.  
  
As Draco continued to explore her mouth of his own free will, Hermione could feel Draco's stomach shrinking slowly, bit by bit . . . . at that moment, all she could think was 'DAMN IT, SHRINK FASTER!'  
  
As his stomach shrunk, she could feel her heart beating faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster, gradually beating so fast that she couldn't even count how many times it was beating per second. What frightened her more was the fact that she could even feel the flutters in her stomach and there was a definite 'ping' somewhere up there, whereas normally she had 'pongs' or 'splash' or maybe even 'plop'.  
  
She wanted to squirm about, make it difficult for him to just come up and snog her like this!!!! But it seemed like she had just . . . stopped. Like all her intelligence had slipped away, all because of Malfoy's tongue, slipping itself down her throat. Damn him.  
  
'SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER SHRINK FASTER!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! !!'  
  
She couldn't even breathe as Draco slipped his tongue out and stepped away from her, chucking his wand onto his bed, and throwing himself onto his bed too. He seemed fully satisfied.  
  
"No need to be like that Granger, you have no idea how good it is to be free of that hell!! How mother did it I will never know."  
  
Draco said as he sat up and stared at Hermione. Her eyes were wide and her hands were over her lips, like she couldn't believe what had just happened. Well, she couldn't actually believe it, it was like a nightmare!!! Or a dream, she really had no idea. Draco smirked at the dazed and confused expression splashed on her face.  
  
"Granger, get over it, I wasn't even giving that snog my best! I only did it because I had to, now get over it and go take your shower - might I say you need it. Oh, but before you do anything else, tell me what lip gloss you had on," He licked his lips and savoured it, "Tastes like strawberry with cream, nice, muggle I expect, but nice none the less. Tell me where to get one and I'll give it to Parkinson next time she attacks me with one of her 'Kissy-wissy Coco kisses'"  
  
Draco waited for some reaction. None came. Hermione was frozen, but only on the outside. Her mind was racing inside, not realising what was happening all around her. She couldn't think properly, she couldn't breath properly, she couldn't even move!!!!  
  
'Oh my god, what have I done??? Hold on, WHAT HAS THAT GIT DONE???? WHAT IF HE'S GIVEN ME COODYS, WHAT IF HE'S STOLEN SOMETHING? WHAT IF HE'S TOUCHED ME IN MY SLEEP? WHAT IF HE'S GOING TO KISS ME AGAIN? WHAT IF I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO MOVE? WHAT IF HARRY FINDS OUT? WHAT IF RON DOES? WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE? WHAT IF NO ONE WILL EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN BECAUSE OF THIS??????????? Okay Hermione, calm down, breathe . . . okay, try again, now breathe . . . . good Hermione, now carry on . . . . oh my god what is he doing? Why is he coming closer??????????'  
  
"Err, Granger? Do you need any help?"  
  
'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!! He's touching me!!!!!!! BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE . . . .EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK I CAN'T!!!!'  
  
With a plop, Hermione fainted, out cold, onto the warm, fluffy, (forgot what colour) nice carpet. Draco knelt down to feel her pulse.  
  
"Good, she's alright." Draco mumbled, he didn't want people thinking he'd murdered her now did he?  
  
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Hermione slowly opened her eyes. She had expected the light to blind her as she woke, but no, all was dark in the room, warm, but dark none the less. She coughed and wheezed, using her elbows to push her up. Placing her hands carefully on her head, she could feel something wet. Her mind raced again. Was it blood?  
  
"I see you're awake Granger."  
  
"Malfoy, you didn't try hitting me with something VERY heavy to wake me up did you?"  
  
"Don't flatter yourself Granger, I would never waste my strength and time to actually get something and hit you, I simply poured water all over you."  
  
"That's nice."  
  
"I know, which is why I did it."  
  
"And why, pray tell, weren't you nice enough to carry me back to my bed???"  
  
"I covered you with a blanket! Isn't enough?"  
  
Hermione noticed the thin pink blanket as she squinted through the dark, she was sure that Draco was on his bed, probably just trying to get some sleep. Suddenly, everything came flowing back to her. Every single little detail about the kiss she now remembered, this included that little fluttery feeling in her stomach, and that 'ping' but this time, she had a very different thought system, hehehehehe . . . .  
  
"Oh Draco dear," Hermione purred, choosing to use his first name for better effect, hehehehehehhehehehehehe, she was beginning to enjoy the thought of her plan . . . . .  
  
"You realise you sound just like your Aunt when you do that?" He snickered, his voice travelling through the dark.  
  
"Look, that's not the point! Anyway, Draco, you know that kiss you gave me, fine, snog, to reduce your stomach?"  
  
He nodded in the dark. "Duh!!! No, Granger, I didn't realise that I've lost a whole chunk of my stomach since this morning!!!!"  
  
Hermione sighed, trying hard not to roll her eyes, not that he'd see anyway. "I wonder Draco dear, what would all your Slytherin cronies say if they ever found out that their idol had snogged a muggle-born? AND not only that but also tried to do other things??"  
  
"But that's not true Granger."  
  
"Yes, but they won't know that now will they?"  
  
Nothing could be heard (or seen for that matter) except for very heavy breathing. It wasn't hard to know that Draco was breathing very heavily, trying to think of something smart to say and calm his anger at the same time. It was very hard, Hermione should know . . . .  
  
"What exactly do you want mudblood?"  
  
"For one thing, shut up with that mudblood crap. Second, to do as I wish for however long I please."  
  
"You are one cooky woman."  
  
"Why thank you, now DO IT."  
  
"Evil moo."  
  
"Fat jerk."  
  
"Fine, just don't ruin my reputation."  
  
"What reputation? Okay, first, I think I've sprained my ankle, now carry me to my bed." She fluttered her eyelids innocently, so what if he couldn't see? If he could, that would be for better effect!  
  
"NO!!!"  
  
"Oh I'm so sorry Blaise, I only dyed your hair purple because I match it, and now that Draco has declared his undying love for me -  
  
"Fine, fine, sheesh."  
  
Through the darkness of the room, Hermione could see a dark figure wade towards her, his pace quick and sharp. Of course, her leg wasn't sprained at all, but she didn't feel like walking. To be perfectly honest, she didn't even think that Draco's wimpy non-muscle arms could ever handle her weight, but surprisingly, he easily picked her up and started to slowly make his way towards her bed.  
  
"Malfoy, don't tell me you just wear boxers to sleep."  
  
"What's it to you?"  
  
"Nothing . . . ow! That was my head that hit the post Malfoy!"  
  
"I know."  
  
"Oh I am so sorry Pansy, you can't be Draco's slut anymore, he's all mine, haven't you heard? Oh no, he's NO good -  
  
"Oh shut up Granger."  
  
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I finished this chapter! I suffered a serious block when writing this, so I hope it wasn't too bad! I tried as hard as possible to make it funny, and I'm so sorry if it wasn't, but I had to get the romance in somewhere now didn't I? Please review and if it was utterly useless then . . . WAH!!!!  
  
~Love always, hippy hugs,  
  
~Moi  
  
PS. Crap with kissing scenes too, so there you go.  
  
PPS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, WISHING IT TO BE A WHITE ONE FOR ONCE!  
  
PPPS. You know that fanfic.net aren't allowing anyone to put up author notes in place of chapters, you know, notes that are just going to be there but not including a chapter in the note? What do you think they are going to do? Because I have an author note up, and I don't know how to delete it and I think it's slightly late to edit it by replacing then replacing again, ANSWER ME!!!!! 


	7. Another day, another experiment

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI! MY MANY THANK YOU'S TO:  
  
~ Loah ~ Lol, thanks for the review, my non-maniac laughing is because, well . . . I have my own reasons . . .  
  
~ Fluff ~ Thank you, thank you! For the reviews (and how to delete chapters)! So I overuse stuff, but its not the first time! And like you even said, hyperness suits this fic! (I mean, if you can't handle my hyperness, but you can handle stupid experiments including a man becoming pregnant, then you have some SERIOUS problems . . .) Thanks again, HUGZ!!!  
  
~ Pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ Thanks, lol, most people said Dan or Tom, I like them all! Hehe, I know, how greedy am I . . . I will read your fics if I have the time (and if I haven't already), and thank you SOOOO much for telling me how to delete stuff. I thought there was a way, but being me, I have short-term memory so there you go, thanks again!  
  
~Harryforeva ~ Yes, our Hermione certainly does have many talent . . . well what do you expect from little Miss Perfect? ;-) Thanks for the review!  
  
~Smileyface1314 ~ Hehe, thanks, I'm happy that you enjoyed it! And I didn't have a white Christmas either, but then again, in England, that's less than impossible most of the time. Oh and have fun at New York!  
  
~ Happigolucki616 ~ Lol, god, your reviewing is making me laugh! It's just the way that you get all muddled with everything . . . cracks me up!! Hehe . . . thank you so much for your review, and I am POSITIVE that I've read your fic now! THANK YOU GOD, I HAVE THE TIME!  
  
~The counter ~ Erm, hey, I read your profile, and it said you like to count things (which I gathered) . . . you probably won't be reading this, but if you actually did, you might find that there is, maybe just a little bit of difference in my plot than any others. And anyway, if you want more variety, why don't you write some?  
  
~Arcturus Black ~ Why thank you! That's very nice of you, and a huge compliment on my part ;-)  
  
~ Phoebe-H ~ Lol, thank you for the review, and I hope this update was quick enough!! (And if it wasn't then . . . I'm terribly sorry)  
  
~ Some12 ~ Evil moo (in my vocabulary anyway) means exactly what you said - evil cow. You know that sometimes the word 'cow' is meant to be rude (as it is here, except I didn't use the specific word) but some people might not like out right swearing, so I avoided it by putting something else. I don't like the word cow is swearing, but there's people like that out there. . . thank you for the review, and I hope the update was soon enough!! (Oh yeah, and thanks for reading it twice ^_~)  
  
~Emma ~ Aw thanks, I was going to put this fic under romance and humour, but in case I let myself (and the reviewers/readers) down, I didn't, and I still haven't mainly because I haven't got the ended sorted yet (although that doesn't mean it's ending soon!)  
  
~Freedome-rules ~ Thanks! I hope you enjoy this chapter and please, please, pleeeeease review afterwards, now that would make MY day!! ;-)  
  
~Kellz ~ Thank you for the review, and you pick Tom? Lol, most people did, either Tom or Dan, but I like Rupert!! GO RUPERT!!  
  
~StephanieWong ~ Thank you!! (I know I say that to everyone but I mean it) I should have read and reviewed your fic by now, and if I haven't then I apologise and I'll get round to reading it soon!  
  
~Burgundyred ~ Sorry you're all the way down this list!! I was reading all the reviews and then I got bored of reading the longer ones first (laziness is a horrible thing really) so I did the shorter reviews first! Anyway, thanks for telling me what you particularly liked about it (might inspire me for something later) and I can only pray really hard that you'll like this chapter!!! Oh and thank you for telling me how to delete stuff, and yes, it is really stupid to put it over there!  
  
~ Voldie On Varsity Track ~ Lol, so happy you enjoyed it!! Here's the next chapter, hope you like this one as much as the ones you've already read, and the ones to come!!  
  
~Eventuality ~ Thank you SO much for your review, and taking the time to read this!! Here's the next chapter, hope you enjoy it (and review afterwards)!!!  
  
~LythTaeraneth ~ Thanks for the review, and the cheer!!! You have no idea how much of an ego boosting I'm getting, but I'll try not to get my feet too big for its boots!!  
  
~ Yoogrl ~ Thank you for your two reviews!! I will have, hopefully, emailed you about this new chapter by now!! Please enjoy this chapter and don't forget to review!  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
CHAPTER EIGHT: Another day, another experiment.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that will remotely interest you for a minute for I am a remotely boring person who has hardly any sense of humour, therefore will find it hard to actually write something funny!!!! I hope that is understood that I do not own Harry Potter, oh the glorious Harry Potter (and Draco)!!! Oh and Ron too! Oh and Hermi of course, can't forget the main girl!  
  
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Waking up in the morning is one of the hardest things to do, especially if you've just dreamt that you've woken up, then wake up to find that you have to struggle to get up all over again. Does this only affect us normal people, and not wizards or witches? The answer is, but of course, no. Why? Basically because we're all human beings, whether we like it or not.  
  
That morning, Hermione awoke to her alarm beeping uncontrollably. She hit the snooze button, but that only resorted in her being woken up again five minutes later, and this time she found it even harder to get out of her warm and comfortable bed. That is, until Draco decided to pounce on Hermione and sit on her until she couldn't breathe.  
  
Draco sprung up once he had blasted the alarm into shreds and managed to make Hermione shriek for dear life. He quickly ran into the bathroom with his clothes and a towel while Hermione sat up dozily and angrily, making herself turn awfully red.  
  
"Malfoy, you stupid git! That's the SECOND ALARM you've blown up!!"  
  
"And I assure you, it won't be the last!" Draco shouted over the sound of water running in the shower.  
  
"Lucky I have a third one then!!!"  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes, bloody Malfoy, always annoying the hell out of everybody soooo much that she just wanted to squeeze his little scrawny neck and make it go round and round and round and round then punch him in the privates . . . teehee, that certainly sounded more entertaining than having your Aunt try to murder you with her loony ideas disguised as experiments to trick innocent teenagers . . . .  
  
"Hurry up in the shower Malfoy! Or I'll hex your pretty little head off!!"  
  
Hermione thought she heard something similar to a snort as she made her bed carefully, ready to go at nine to the muggle studies area - room 13. (After she'd washed first, of course.) She sat on her bed and chucked her teddy bear up and down, only for it to hit her on the head, making her quite dizzy. The feelings she had felt yesterday on that kiss came flooding back to her, and it nearly made her blush so badly she felt like rushing under the covers of her bed. She decided against this idea almost immediately as she really didn't feel like making her bed again.  
  
She hit herself hard on the head, making her dizzier. 'Remember Hermione, one more thought on that kissy thing with the blonde git and it's another whack for that glorious brain of yours' Hermione smiled in satisfaction as she felt herself obey . . . herself.  
  
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"Now Hermione honey, I'm sorry I can't go with you today, I have to go with that trainee over there," Dr Granger pointed to a pale faced little girl who could be no larger than five. Hermione's heart stopped beating. A little girl, FIVE YEARS OLD, was being a professional . . . now she'd seen everything . . . then she realised it was the girls mother that was being trained, as a tall woman of 25 stood behind her daughter and glared at Hermione for staring.  
  
"I'll take her Dr Granger!!! She's such a pleasure to have around. I ADORE what she's done with her hair. I mean, it's so BUSHY, how'd you get it like that?"  
  
Serena frowned at Hermione's hair, taking a strand and twirling it around her finger like she was a kitten playing with a ball of yarn. Hermione could hear Draco snort from behind her. Oh how much she wanted to DIE right now. . .  
  
"Now, Serena!!! You can't go on your own!! How about going with . . . Lee!!! OH LEE DARLING!!!!!"  
  
The young wizard who had asked Hermione about her breakfast that day when Hermione had grown a beard, walked slowly over, pushing his glasses up as he stood in front of a beaming Dr Granger. (You know, the one that looks like Legolas LoTR)  
  
"Lee, please take good care of Hermione, she is my niece after all!!! Oh, and Mr Malfoy of course."  
  
Dr Granger stalked off without another word. She did, however, wink at Serena. Lee looked rather disappointed with being bundled down with Hermione, his employer's niece AND an annoying rich blonde AND a furiously blushing Serena. He sighed and looked down at his clipboard then looked back up at the three people who were either looking down at the floor trying to avoid all eye contact with him, or staring up at the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing in the world OR yawning their head off and wishing they were anywhere BUT here (not exactly hard to guess which is which . . .)  
  
"Now, we are to go to the quidditch pitch, yes . . . that's where the warm up is positioned, now please follow me . . . children." Lee muttered before speed walking off in one direction, Serena following him, her fingers twirling her hair absentmindedly. Draco and Hermione walked together silently. It wasn't like they didn't know the way to the quidditch pitch, they had, after all, been taught here at Hogwarts for SIX YEARS.  
  
They arrived at the quidditch pitch, Lee looking impatient and snobbish, Serena blushing and trying desperately hard to wrack her brains to think of something good to say.  
  
"What took you so long? I told you to keep up CHILDREN." Lee shook his head like he was very disappointed. Hermione could feel and hear Draco take a very deep breath next to her.  
  
"Now your task for today is this obstacle course. All pairs are having this obstacle course but in different places. You children are lucky enough to have Hogwarts very own quidditch pitch. Now complete the obstacle course, TOGETHER. The pair with the highest score at the end of the day will get a prize and the lowest will get a punishment."  
  
Lee pointed up to a very high wall of brick positioned towards the end of the quidditch pitch, near the goal posts.  
  
"One of you go up there and one of you stay down here. The one on the top will be moving along this brick wall, and pushing those buttons on the edge - can you see them?"  
  
"Yes, we're not bloody blind." Draco mumbled, resulting in a silent glaring contest with Lee.  
  
"Now, the one at the bottom will be telling the one at the top which button to press, using this." Lee pointed to a screen just in front of the wall. "the television screen will flash a particular colour every five seconds after you've pressed each button. So, if you take ten seconds to press the first button, five seconds after, the television will flash another colour. There are five colours in total. Once you finish, a buzzer will sound and we shall move on to let another pair do the warm up as some of the pairs are actually still eating now. Understand children? Now which one shall be going up?"  
  
Draco pushed Hermione forwards. She sent him a glare through the back of her head.  
  
"Malfoy, you know bloody well that I'm scared of heights!" She mumbled quickly, stalking back to him and grabbing the front of his robes.  
  
"Of course I know!" Draco muttered as if that was the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
"You're the one that plays quidditch."  
  
"I thought you said I bought my way onto the team?"  
  
"Malfoy . . ."  
  
"Okay, so it's you, Miss Hermione Granger, Dr Granger's niece?" Lee raised an eyebrow and thinned his lips as Hermione turned to stare at him. He took out his wand and was just about levitate Hermione up when someone interrupted.  
  
"I'll do it!!" Serena jumped in, holding her wand up. She had tied pink ribbons onto the end of her wand, and it looked utterly ridiculous. Lee frowned.  
  
"But it's a very complicated spell!"  
  
"I can do it!" Serena stepped up to Hermione. Hermione looked shocked. Serena was going to kill her with her bad magic. She had heard from her Aunt that Serena wasn't awfully good at magic and that she had been chosen as an assistant because she talked a lot.  
  
"No, no, please, I don't wanna die!!!" Hermione looked like she was going to cry as Serena started to flick her wand in an annoying sort of way, not to mention THE WRONG way.  
  
"Please Hermione! I want to impress him!" Serena whispered and whined at the same time. Hermione, being the soft person she was, couldn't reject Serena and nodded as Serena grinned, took a step back, then took a deep breath. She examined her wand, then aimed it at Hermione.  
  
"Right . . . erm . . . shooto mengardium!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"  
  
Now, what do you think happened? Did the spell turn Hermione into a pink piggy? Or did she land safely on the brick wall? Maybe she actually shot up and fell back down onto Draco? Well, technically, all of these are wrong. The spell did indeed work, but all too well. Hermione shot upwards and, instead of landing on the brick wall, she landed on, well actually, nothing. She was falling downwards, her head spinning, when her robe got caught on the quidditch hoop, the middle, and the tallest one.  
  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Oh very clever Serena, I knew you wouldn't be able to use such a spell that I can use!" Lee shouted at Serena, who was on the verge of tears.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry Lee, I should've let you do it!"  
  
"Damn right you should have!"  
  
"Oh shut up! We've got to get Granger down!"  
  
Lee and Serena stopped and looked at Draco. He was frowning and squinting up at Hermione, trying to think of a way to get her down. Draco really could not be bothered to have that snob and that WOMAN fight, he would rather save his mudblood of a partner thanks.  
  
"Accio Nimbus!" Draco called, summoning his Nimbus 3000 (yes, they were upgraded to 3000, and no, it isn't the year 3000 yet). He hopped on and flew upwards towards Hermione.  
  
"Granger?" No reaction. Hermione's head was spinning. She didn't like heights, she never had, and this was making her very dizzy. She could hardly see Draco at all, all she saw was a whirl of blonde, black and green from the grass below.  
  
"Ugh . . ."  
  
Slowly, her robes were slipping from the golden hoop, very slowly . . . until finally, she slipped and fell down and down and down . . . because of the force of gravity! Luckily, Draco was prepared. He caught her on his broom, JUST. He was now riding hands free as he tried to position Hermione in front of him. Eventually, he managed to make her sit in front of him, his arms on the top of the broom, just in front of her.  
  
Landing safely on the ground, Draco hopped off, carrying Hermione as he hobbled under her weight. Lee frowned again. He stormed over to Draco and the now fainted Hermione.  
  
"Tut, tut children! That could have been dangerous!! You should have left everything to the professionals, like moi!" Before Draco could reply with something along the lines of 'If you're a professional, then I'm ugly', Lee had started to walk to the end of the quidditch pitch, scribbling furiously on his clipboard. Draco and Serena watched him go.  
  
"Well, he is smart, and clever, and kind of a professional, we better follow him . . ." Serena sighed and started to walk in the direction where Lee had sped off. Draco watched for a minute, feeling more and more pissed off by the second. He sighed, and heaved Hermione over his shoulder, making her dangle upside down, her hair sweeping the floor (lucky he was taller than her, eh? Imagine the brain damage . . .).  
  
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"These broomsticks are for beginners, hence the name 'Brooms for beginners'. They were given to us by the well-known quidditch store 'Quality Quidditch Supplies' to test whether their qualities actually work or not. Now, Miss Granger, I know of your fear of heights, but as you are a beginner, you should test this broom anyway, it's more important than if you fall off!"  
  
Lee said, as he brought out one broomstick. He handed it to Hermione, who began to look at the broom like it was the most bizarre thing in the world, which it probably was. He expected HER to ride this, this MONSTROSITY??? She had only just recovered from the warm up thanks.  
  
The design for this broom was full of gadgets, a saddle was even fixed onto it, with a buckle to use like a seatbelt. The wood had slits where you could grip better with your hands, and there was even a wand pocket so you could use it incase of emergencies.  
  
Hermione slid her wand into the pocket, and buckled herself in. Nervously, she kicked up from the ground and flew upwards, higher and higher until everything seemed like one of those model worlds with little figurines. You know, the Lego sort.  
  
She began to feel slightly woozy, but continued to fly, trying to see whether this thing actually worked. Trying not to look around too much, she began to sing a song to see if it would distract her from the fact that she was about two hundred feet off the ground.  
  
"Dumdeedumdeedum, look down and you'll die, dumdeedumdeedum, why oh why? Is it me? All the ruddy time . . . dumdeedumdeedum, flying is stupid, and I am so dizzy, someone please help me, I am so dizzy . . . dumdeedumdeedum."  
  
. . . . . . . .  
  
. . . . . . . .  
  
. . . . . . . . .  
  
. . . . . . . . .  
  
. . . . . . . . .  
  
CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hermione opened her eyes. She was on the ground. 'Ohhhh, so that's why I felt like I was falling, DUH.' She wondered why she hadn't broken all her bones by now, and why she now had two pieces of wood in her hands. Fidgeting slightly, she felt something soft underneath her.  
  
"Get off me Granger." A muffled mumble came from below her. Hermione shot up like there was no tomorrow, her face red with embarrassment. Drac slowly got up, holding his leg in pain. He scowled and gave her the most evil stare he could manage, making him look like a mangled orange.  
  
"Great going Granger! I save you from a quidditch hoop and what do I get in return? Nothing but A BIG FAT PURPLE PRUNE SITTING ON MY BEAUTIFUL LEG!!!!!" Draco glared ferociously (don't think you can do that but nevermind . . .) at Hermione. She huffed herself up indignantly.  
  
"Just because I'm purple that doesn't make me a prune!"  
  
"Yeah, right, coughprunecough."  
  
"YOU'RE THE PRUNE!!!"  
  
"Hmm, and that's coming from someone who's PURPLE."  
  
"Oh shut up, or I'll go tell all your cronies about what happened last night!"  
  
"That will work no more!!! I thought about it and then decided that YOU wouldn't want Potty and co. finding out, so HA!!! Am I right, or am I right?"  
  
"Argh . . . . you . . . PIG!"  
  
"Pig am I? Is that the best you can come up with?"  
  
"Piggy, pig, pig!! Oink, snort, oink!"  
  
"Sounds like you're the pig to me."  
  
"You're the pig!! PIG!!!!  
  
"Fine then . . . . . . .oink."  
  
"YOU ANNOYING INFURIATING BRATTY SNOTTY SNOBBY BLONDE PUREBLOOD SON OF A -  
  
"Calm down children!! I'm afraid Miss Granger, your weight broke the broom. Maybe you should try to eat less breakfast tomorrow before doing any experiments."  
  
If looks could kill, Lee would have died twice. Hermione was now purple and red, while Draco was just . . . pale, as always. Being posh is never good when you're around two angry teenagers.  
  
"YOU SHUT UP!!"  
  
They simultaneously shouted. Lee looked appalled at the language they had chosen to confront him with, Serena stayed in the corner, trying to be invisible (doing the 'I can't see you, you can't see me' thing).  
  
"Children!!"  
  
"And shut your crack 'ole with that children stuff!!! You, you . . . pimp!"  
  
Draco shouted, his brain seemed blank and pimp seemed the only insult that was appropriate. Childish and immature it may be, but pimp is a word - but in this case, meaning annoying and horrible, associating with the word 'pimple'. Lee grumbled and thinned his lips like McGonagall, except in a more annoying way. He shook his fist in anger, then set his glasses straight even though they were already straight.  
  
"Fine, let's go back to the muggle studies area to meet up with the others."  
  
His voice sounded strangled, which made it all the more pleasurable for Draco.  
  
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"Welcome all students!!" Dr Granger said, standing on the table so that she could be seen. To her right was Lee, looking stiff and angry in a . . . stiff way. To her left was Serena, a smile plastered onto her face like a Barbie doll.  
  
Hermione and Draco must have been sitting at their two-seated desk in the muggles studies classroom 13 for at least an hour and a half by now. How many cups of milk she had drunk, Hermione really didn't know. Draco, however, had been spending most of his time looking at the people in white coats and rating their hair on a scale of one to ten. Finally, everyone had arrived, and Dr Granger was now making her announcement.  
  
"For today's warm up, you should have all been told that whoever got the highest score, as in, the lowest time, was going to get a treat, whilst the people who got the lowest score would get a punishment. Now let this take place! Professor Sprout is the Professor that is with us today, so, please could you announce the people with the highest score who shall be getting the treat?"  
  
Professor Sprout stood proudly and took out a piece of paper from her hair. She coughed a few times before beginning. "The pair with the lowest time of thirty seconds, is . . . Ron Weasley and Lisa Turpin!!! Congratulations my dearys!!"  
  
There was a round of applause, as Ron and Lisa stood. Hermione looked over at Ron who seemed dazed and pleased at the same time, his ears red with happiness. Lisa looked pleased as well, although not as dazed and confused as Ron.  
  
"Your prize shall be," Professor Sprout continued, "a year's supply of chocolate frogs, and VIP tickets to the chocolate frog factory!!!!!!! There are six tickets, one for you two, and four for two more pairs."  
  
If it was possible that Ron could look more blissful and confused, then he was. Hermione prayed that having Malfoy as her dim-witted sidekick wouldn't ruin her chances to get Ron to pick her as one of the pairs to go to that chocolate frog factory, ANYTHING to get her out of her ingenious aunt's murder scheme disguised as innocent experiments . . .  
  
"Now, the pair with the lowest score is . . . Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy, who didn't even do it!" Professor Sprout finished. Everyone was shocked, the smartest girl in Hogwarts with a handsome (pompous) graceful (arrogant) rich (idiotic) Malfoy (jerk), GETTING THE LOWEST SCORE?  
  
Hermione's mouth was hanging open, so open that a fly might fly in without noticing that it had flew into someone's mouth and might be choken on. Draco remained surprisingly calm and sat with his arms folded. Silence was in the room; everyone was staring at her and Draco, their eyes fixed, waiting for the punishment.  
  
"Erm," Hermione began, trying to break the silence, with something smart to say. But all she could come out with was -"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Slimy green goo was slipping down her bushy brown hair, and slipping down her shirt, and robes making her spine shiver. She could not believe this, the goo was all over her!! Even in her eyes . . . and her partner in co. was laughing his head off!!!! That is, until someone poured the goo straight into his mouth.  
  
"Phtttt, phtttt!!! Ew!!! Cough, cough!!" Draco spluttered trying to get the goo off of his tongue. He stuck his tongue out and looked down at it, making his eyes go crooked.  
  
"AH!!!!!!! MY TONGUE IS FLIPPIN' GWEEN!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Now it was time for Hermione to laugh. She began to laugh as loud as she could, making her stomach ache as Draco continued to try and fix his tongue by scraping his fingernail up and down it. Draco looked at Hermione indignantly.  
  
"IS NOT FWUNNY!!!!!"  
  
"Pppppppp - HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"I ED, IS NOT FWUNNY!!!!"  
  
"HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA - eep!" Hermione stopped laughing and began to spit all over Draco, trying to get the filth out of her mouth. She stuck her tongue out and examined it, only to find that it was now green too.  
  
"YOU FWEAK DWACO MAFOY!!!! YOU SWUPID IDIOT FWEAK!!!! WHY'D YOU THWOW WOO AT ME???" She said, her tongue still stuck out.  
  
"CUS I WANNED OOO, DUH!!!!! OH NO . . . I CAN'D GET MY TONGUE BACK IN!!!!"  
  
"I CAN'D EITHER!!"  
  
They both looked at each other before exclaiming in the direction of Dr Granger and Professor Sprout: "PWOFESSOR, PWOFESSOR, WE'RE SWUCK!!!!!!!"  
  
Everyone stared at the pair, Dr Granger looking utterly bemused, Professor Sprout was just trying hard not to laugh, she stuffed her man-eating handbag in her mouth, only to choke on the vines.  
  
"Erm, well, Hermione honey," Dr Granger began hesitantly, "Look on the bright side, at least the green goes with the purple!!!"  
  
Obviously, that was not the right thing to say, as Hermione began to rampage around the room, looking for something sharp to throw.  
  
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All suggestions are still welcome and will always be! Okay, I do need some help, if someone who reads funny fics, or writes one, could please contact me! I need some ideas for a funny ending; I am no good with endings, so please contact me if you think you're up to it! (Oh, and I remind you, I AM STILL ON A BLOCKAGE!)  
  
~Bye bye, spaghetti fries,  
  
~Boo  
  
PS. Okay, I've said this in my other fic, but I just want to say that I've watched the PETER PAN movie and IT IS REALLY GOOD, so if you have nothing to do, go see it! Also, Jason Isaacs is in it (guy who plays Lucius, he totally rocks), AND if you don't like Peter Pan, BUT YOU STILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO, go watch it just to see the cute lad that plays Peter, I really do think he is CUUUUUUUUUUTE!! Shame if you don't. 


	8. A lesson with the therapist

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
THANK YOU THANK YOU TO:  
  
~ Smileyface1314 ~ Lol, thanks for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and had a good time in New York too, and also thank you for the suggestion for the ending!! Any little scrap of detail about the ending that ANYONE suggests, I shall be grateful for!!!  
  
~Burgundyred ~ Thanks for the mass of specific detail, hehe - I liked it! Anyway, yeah, he called it beautiful, but what can you expect? He's Draco . . . and as for Dr. Granger, well she's never been purple, hehe, if only . . . plus, Serena was supposed to be annoying in the first place, and Lee was created also to annoy. You know when you said I should have more Lee? Someone else said that, strange huh? And I'm not sure if I should have more Lee . . . he annoys me too much for me to write him in anywhere!  
  
~Midnight solitaire ~ Thanks for the review, and I am still thinking about that epilogue that you wanted me to write . . . anyway, yeah, Lee looks slightly like Legolas, but more of an arse! HAHA!  
  
~Dracoluver2009 ~ Lol, I hope you can breathe now . . . here's the update, hope you like it! PLEASE REVIEW AFTERWARDS!  
  
~LythTaeraneth ~ Lol, yeah, Lee is really annoying isn't he, and yeah, that is the point of him being here! Anyway, he was originally going to be called James, but then I thought of Harry's dad, and then realised how much of an insult that would be, hehe . . .  
  
~ Fluff ~ Thanks for the review, and for helping me with the ending of this thing! At first, I wasn't sure if a prune actually fit Hermione's purpleness, I had to ask all my friends whether I got the prune fact right or not hehe . . .  
  
~Happigolucki ~ Lol, that's okay, all that matters is that you reviewed this one! Meaning you actually read the chapter, and as long as SOMEBODY read it, I guess I'm satisfied, thanks!  
  
~Some12 ~ Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it and thought it funny, here's the update, ENJOY!!! (And again I'm sorry it took so long, but I still need the time, and compared to others, this is a fast update. Also, better good than pathetic! And only time can do that!)  
  
~Heather Malfoy ~ Hehe, just glad that your enjoying my writings! Thanks for the review, really appreciated it! I hope you continue to read!!  
  
~Loah ~ Erm . . . thanks for reviewing . . . what about the green goo?  
  
~ Harmonic Friction ~ HEHE, YAY!! Its you!! Finally you!! Sorry, hyperness freak I know, thanks for the bio thing, to me it's just a whole lot of nonsense that I felt like typing, which I guess it actually is, but that's not the point! I'm pretty always hyper, so that's why this fic is!! Hehe!  
  
FOR BETTER EFFECT: Read Hermione and Draco's speech with your tongue stuck out!!!!!!!  
  
CHAPTER NINE: A lesson with the therapist  
  
DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter and other characters etc. are all J.K.Rowling's creations and have nothing to do with moi. Warner Bro.'s may also have permission to use Harry Potter characters as they are in charge of the film, but still, this has nothing to do with ME. Everyone already knows, but in case you're new to this business, I'm telling you again.  
  
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"I can'd hel the fact dat I can'd tal cockerly!" (Translation: I can't help the fact that I can't talk properly!) Hermione tried to say as calmly as she could, although right now she felt nothing more than the urge to punch someone, namely Betty, the therapist that had lost her hearing aid.  
  
She knew that everyone always said 'respect his or her elders' but Betty was so bloomin' annoying, you just couldn't help but wonder how anyone could resist smacking the old bird. Let's just say Hermione wouldn't be surprised if she were related to Lee.  
  
"Now my dear, my hearing isn't what it used to be!! Do speak up, and stop sticking your tongue out!! It's very rude." Betty squinted at Hermione through her thick glasses, her hand behind her ear like she was desperately trying to hear what she was saying.  
  
"I SAID, I CAN'D HEL THE FACT DAT I CAN'D TAL COCKERLY!!!!!!" Hermione practically screamed in Betty's ear. "IS NOT MY FALT DAT MAFOY THWEW WOO AT ME AN MADE MY TONGUE SWUCK!!!!!!"  
  
"Now dear, calm down, remember, breathe in and out, it always helps!!!!" Betty smiled and sat back, still squinting at Hermione. Suddenly, she got up and hobbled over to a chair next to her (she had been sitting opposite just then). Waving her wand, another chair appeared next to the one she had just been sitting on.  
  
"Stanley dear!!! You can come in now!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione felt like strangling the old bat. She knew whom she meant by Stanley. Stanley the old man with hair sticking out of his ears, Stanley the old man who was also an annoying psycho therapist, Stanley the old man who was the therapist of her so called partner, known as Malfoy.  
  
Stanley hobbled in with a walking stick, he settled himself down on the seat opposite Betty - they smiled at each other, their wrinkles becoming even more wrinkled. Hermione shuddered and hoped that she would never grow old.  
  
"Where's the boy Stanley?" Betty asked, now craning her neck to look outside.  
  
"He was with me a few seconds ago, DRACO????"  
  
Stanley's gruff voice echoed around the little room. Instead of Draco entering, a fairly average height man with half moon glasses and snow-white hair and beard entered. Hermione thought THAT was Draco for a minute, until she looked properly and realised it was Dumbledore.  
  
"Ah, Albus, how nice of you to join us."  
  
"Hello, Stanley, Betty, I wanted to join your talk with Miss Granger and Mr Malfoy, their head of house are here too. Speaking of which, where is Mr Malfoy?"  
  
Dumbledore stepped in the room and used his wand to summon three comfy armchairs, just behind Betty. He sat on the first one, closely followed by Snape and McGonagall, who settled themselves rather stiffly down on the remaining chairs. Snape raised an eyebrow and shouted in a booming voice.  
  
"DRACO MALFOY!!!! I SHALL HAVE TO BE FORCED TO TAKE POINTS FROM MY OWN HOUSE IF YOU DO NOT GET YOURSELF IN HERE!!!!!"  
  
Now it isn't very often that you hear Mister Snape shout, or raise his voice. Maybe hex you, or force you to take a poisonous potion that will lead to your miserable death, but never really shout, SHOUT. Draco, being the naturally nosey and curious person he was, stuck his head through the door with a blank expression on his face.  
  
"You called Pwofesswor??"  
  
"Indeed I called Mr Malfoy! Have you no respect for this elderly and growing deaf man??" Snape asked, now standing and stalking over to the door. Grabbing Draco by the hair, he pulled him across to the chair opposite Hermione. Stanley looked down at his clipboard as if he couldn't hear anything anyone had just said.  
  
"Well, duh I don'd have any resect for the deaf ol bloke!!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco rolled his eyes and brushed his hair back, trying to use the remaining pot of gel he had placed on his head to keep the tuft Snape had tugged, down. Of all things he could have pulled, it HAD to be his hair.  
  
"You know, I'm not as deaf as Betty!!" Stanley frowned, shouting loudly, startling Draco slightly.  
  
"Could 'ave fooled me." Draco muttered darkly, trying his best to scowl with his green tongue still stuck out.  
  
"Now, me and Stanley think that to stop you two arguing, you should let out all your anger, let it all out at each other in one go. Then you should have nothing left to argue about!" Betty smiled, her dentures showing. (**shudder**)  
  
"Hold on children, we'll explain more after Mister Snape here gives you all some potion so you can talk properly." Stanley beckoned to Snape who held two vials of smelly liquid - make that YELLOW smelly liquid.  
  
"I told you Stanley dear, they can talk perfectly fine, they just don't want to. You know children these days!" Betty rolled her eyes and pinched Hermione's cheek. She took her hanky, spat on it and rubbed it on her nose. "You had some dirt on your nose dear." Hermione visibly shuddered.  
  
"Miss Granger, Mr Malfoy, if you please both stand and open your mouths," Snape said as he opened both of the vials.  
  
"Cough, ewwwwwww, what in ell is dat????" Draco scrunched his nose up, the smell was horrible, and it didn't help that the mixture had little bits floating in it.  
  
"It's a mixture of dragon urine and beetle scales, it can defreeze anything, maybe not change things back to their original colour, but it can defreeze anything that has been frozen, including your tongues."  
  
Draco and Hermione's eyes widened. What was Snape trying to do? KILL THEM?????? (Most probably)  
  
"DRAGON WEE???? EWWWWWWWWWW!!!"  
  
"Well obviously it's ew if you say it like that, try urine, it sounds much better than 'wee'. I hope you two aren't deaf as well as unable to talk properly, two deaf people are enough to deal with thank you. . ."  
  
"I TOLD YOU, I AM NOT DEAF!!! BETTY IS!!!" Stanley exclaimed indignantly. Draco, Hermione and Snape looked at him, eyebrows raised. Snape looked terribly annoyed.  
  
"Whatever. Now open up you two."  
  
"Granger's going first!!!" Draco pushed Hermione forward, and before she could do anything, Snape had poured the entire vial of dragon wee, okay, URINE, in her mouth. Hermione coughed, she had nearly choked, but she tried to look like it didn't taste bad, which I assure you, IT DID.  
  
"How was it?" Draco frowned anxiously, he didn't like to drink, eat, or smell for that matter, smelly stuff thanks.  
  
"Oh very tasty, it's like pumpkin juice really, you should try it." Hermione smiled. Now at least, she didn't look awkward smiling as her tongue could go back in her mouth. Even if her tongue did make her want to puke.  
  
Draco raised an eyebrow. Was Granger telling the truth? Well, he didn't think she could stay so calm if it did taste awful. He stepped over to Snape who was now looking at Hermione's wavering smile as she resisted the urge to head to the nearest bog.  
  
Snape poured the next vial into Draco's mouth, and he immediately regretted it.  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Cough," Draco choked and spluttered as Hermione burst out laughing, suddenly she didn't feel much like puking anymore.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, my god Malfoy," Hermione stopped laughing and wiped a tear from her eye. Draco pouted and stood with his arms folded in a girlish manner.  
  
"More of an actress than I thought you were Granger," Draco nodded approvingly, his usual smirk spreading back onto his face.  
  
"Never underestimate a woman Malfoy, now that was a lesson well learnt." Hermione sat back down, as did Draco. Betty and Stanley were both smiling at them, which rather creeped both of them out (A/N: think, killer dentures with bad breath)  
  
"Oh children, that was the first time I have heard you two talk to each other without trying to rip the other apart! That was lovely!" Betty exclaimed, clapping her hands together as she did so. She was so pleased that Hermione had tricked Draco and laughed at him rather than ripped his head off. Personally, Hermione didn't know what the old woman was thinking.  
  
"Now that your tongues have been untied, even if they are still green, let's get on with this, we only have the rest of the day!" Stanley gave a laugh before rubbing his hairy ears. He waved his wand, making a cupboard appear in the corner.  
  
Stanley stood and wobbled over to the cupboard. He beckoned Hermione and Draco over to the cupboard where a small space in front was given for them to stand. The space was surprisingly big compared to the rest of the room.  
  
"Now in here is something that me and Betty have used for years and it has never failed! As Betty has said before, we figured that if you let everything out at each other in one go, you'll have nothing to fight about anymore!"  
  
Stanley opened the cupboard door and took out two metal posts with thick, soft, foamy things wrapped around it. He handed the pink one to Hermione, and the green one to Draco.  
  
"Betty and I are going to watch you two from our seats, along with Mr Snape, Ms McGonagall, and Mr Dumbledore! Use these bats to hit each other as hard as you can, they are soft, so neither of you should get hurt. Now get ready, when I say go now . ."  
  
Draco held up his bat like he would do with a baseball bat, concentrating on hitting Hermione's head. Hermione held the bat loosely and concentrated on hitting Draco somewhere where it hurt - his hair. Oh this was going to be fun, hehehe . . . .  
  
"GO!!!!!"  
  
'WHAM'  
  
A blow in the stomach from Draco Malfoy!!!  
  
'SMACK'  
  
A blow in the face from Hermione Granger!!!  
  
'BANG'  
  
Whacked Hermione into the cupboard, of course by Draco.  
  
'CRASH!!!!!!'  
  
Crashed straight into Betty, making her collide onto the floor, her dentures falling out of her mouth.  
  
'WHAMSMACKBANGCRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
Draco fell to the floor rubbing his cheek, his stomach, his head, and his back as he had just crashed into the window. Luckily, it didn't break cus' it was double-glazed. Hermione stood over him in triumph as he struggled to get himself up. Just as he was about to stand, he fell back onto the floor as Hermione had just sat on his stomach.  
  
"Revenge is sweet Malfoy," Hermione grinned, she held up her pink bat and began to whack Draco round the head with it.  
  
"YOU STUPID ANNOYING BLOODY INFURIATING SPOILT DISGUSTING SNOBBY SNOTTY STUPID UGLY FATISH GAYISH ARROGANT CONCEITED VAIN SLYTHERIN SCUM!!!!!!"  
  
She stood and looked down at Draco, breathless. He was smirking like mad. Why was he smirking when she had just beaten the hell out of him?? He stood and wiped some drool off his face, his hair was messed yet he seemed not to know (sound awfully poetic, don't I?)  
  
"Why are you smirking like that?" Hermione asked cautiously, holding her bat up in attack mode.  
  
"I've just learnt Granger," Draco held his bat with two hands, "That these soft foamy things can easily be taken off."  
  
He ripped the soft foam apart and held up the metal rod. A mischievous and oddly evil smirk grew on his face as he lunged.  
  
"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco ran at Hermione, swinging his bat forcefully at her. Hermione, however, began to run around the room like road runner, hiding behind Professor Snape, who immediately moved against the wall, as did McGonagall and even Dumbledore.  
  
"WHACK BETTY!!!! IT WAS HER BLOOMIN' IDEA, DON'T WHACK ME MALFOY!!!!!!!!"  
  
"TOUGH LUCK, COME BACK YOU CHICKEN!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco began to make chicken noises, as he continued to chase Hermione around the room. Luckily for Hermione, she had by now found the door.  
  
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"WHAT?????????????????"  
  
Hermione and Draco sat in the hospital wing, Padma, Harry, Ron, Lisa, and Ginny all crowding round her bed. Crabbe, Goyle, Millicent, someone called Dorothy (Crabbe's partner), Pansy and Blaise around Draco's bed. Draco had his hair still messed up, a big black bruise on his cheek and a swollen eye. Hermione, had no bruises, but had one black eye where Draco had hit her with the metal post.  
  
"That's right my dears, Madam Pomfrey refuses to even look at you two until you have settled your differences, so you're just going to have to heal the normal way." Dr Granger stated matter of factly.  
  
"You mean, the muggle way?"  
  
"Yes, if that's what you wizard folk call it, the MUGGLE way."  
  
"You mean the muggle way as in, bandages-bruises-fading-in-WEEKS-the-bump- on-my-head-fading-in-about-a-month, the muggle way?"  
  
"That is exactly what I mean Mr Malfoy."  
  
"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US WOMAN????"  
  
"No, but I might do if you two continue this!!! It is awfully immature and childish, and we shall have to stop testing special and dangerous items on you if you do not stop." Dr Granger smiled in a sad way like stopping these tests was a bad thing. Draco turned to scowl at Hermione.  
  
"This is all your fault Granger."  
  
"Am I not a mere mudblood anymore?"  
  
"Nope, now you're a PRUNE."  
  
"If I'm a prune then you're a -  
  
"Pureblood that has amazingly beautiful features. I KNOW."  
  
"And as we can all see, you are clearly not, therefore I am not a prune."  
  
"Prune."  
  
"You're the one that's going wrinkly Malfoy!!!"  
  
"I am so not a prune, prunes are more purple than they are wrinkly!"  
  
"Wrinkly old prune."  
  
"I am not old, just because YOU think I'm wearing a wig does not mean I am old."  
  
"That's what you think."  
  
"I AM NOT!!!!"  
  
"YES YOU ARE!!!"  
  
"I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT I AM NOT!!!!"  
  
"Lalalallalalalallaalalla, I'm not listening!!!"  
  
"KILL YOU GRANGER!!!!"  
  
"Ha!! Like you can."  
  
"Do not underestimate my power, my dear little prune."  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!!!"  
  
The whole room apart from Ginny shouted. The pair immediately stopped snapping at each other and folded their arms in a spoilt manner. Everyone else turned to Ginny. Ron frowned.  
  
"Ginny, tell me why on earth you didn't help to shut these twos gobs."  
  
"I find them quite amusing."  
  
Everyone stared at her like she was mad. Ginny shrugged and sighed, heading out of the hospital wing mumbling something along the lines of 'older people nowadays, have no sense of humour . . .'  
  
"Well kisses Hermione dearest!!! I have to skip now, I have a meeting with all the other professors and people, you and Mr Malfoy can grab a bag of peas and be off to your room to rest until tomorrow!!! Tata honey!!!!"  
  
Dr Granger kissed Hermione on the forehead, on both cheeks, hugged her until she felt like she was suffocating then left in a hurry, throwing two bags of frozen peas onto her eye, making it even more bruised and painful than it was before.  
  
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"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Shut up prune."  
  
Hermione sat up in bed and saw that Draco was sitting on his bed reading 'ten reasons why Hogwarts: A History is boring'. She had fallen asleep and had had the most awful dream.  
  
She had had her eyes closed during most of the dream, and could see a bit of blonde, a bit of pale skin and feel someone's tongue in her mouth . . . and the thing was, she recognised it, which was why she had screamed in the first place. She thought for a minute why she had a dream about that kiss that had happened about two days ago (I can't remember). TWO DAYS! It scared her to think that she had actually felt happy in the dream, yep; she'd definitely cracked it . . .  
  
A snort disrupted her thoughts. Draco was dangling from the roof of his four-poster like a bat. She raised an eyebrow, what on earth was this plonker doing now?  
  
"My name tis Count Dracula, King of thy vampire!!!"  
  
Draco bared his teeth, showing a row of pointed yellow and very sharp canines. He opened his arms like wings and flapped them about, pretending to fly.  
  
"Malfoy, what on earth are you doing?"  
  
"Aw man, how did you know it was me?"  
  
"Malfoy . . . you're the only one apart from me with the key to this room and you just told me to 'shut up prune' AND it's not like you look all that different to how you look everyday. Apart from that . . . thing, in your mouth, what is it? Betty's dentures?"  
  
Draco sat up and sighed. "Stupid book."  
  
He threw 'Ten reasons why Hogwarts: A History is boring' to the floor, revealing something that was covered up. Another book by the name of 'Ten ways to scare stupid muggles, one hundredth edition!' Hermione sighed; she must have hit him harder than she thought . . .  
  
A bang and a crash came in the direction of 'Count Dracula'. Sprawled on the floor rubbing his head was Draco Malfoy, but hadn't he just been up on the roof of his four-poster? Then, she saw it, a giant rip in the material of the roof. She sighed - 'the great oaf'.  
  
"Malfoy . . ." Hermione walked up to him and waved a hand in front of his face, he looked dazed and confused . . . a bit like how Neville always looked, and that isn't a compliment. She raised an eyebrow at the boy who was now humming something that sounded like twinkle twinkle little star.  
  
"Malfoy, you just broke the roof of your four poster, if that isn't a sign that you need to lose weight, then I don't know what is."  
  
He didn't reply and just stared at her like she was the most interesting thing in the world. Okay . . . she had DEFINITELY hit him harder than she thought . . .  
  
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TADA!!! If you think I should've put psychiatrists instead of psycho therapists, maybe I should have, but somehow I think it sounds better. All suggestions are STILL welcome, and in case you were wondering, this is on the same day as the last chapter was, set later that same day. Next chapter coming up ASAP  
  
~TEEHEE!!!  
  
~Girl-who-wants-to-be-not-long-winded-for-once  
  
PS. I know the last part was random, brain malfunctioning.  
  
PPS. Still don't rush me, please . . . oh and review! (*^_^*) 


	9. Choco galore

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK:  
  
* A friend ~ I have a feeling you only reviewed this cus you saw my pen name, well, yeah, Tom's cute etc. but I STILL LOVE RON SO :P. And anyway, we're all entitled to our opinions, like . . . I think I am a posh snobby twat. Makes sense . . .  
  
*Some12 ~ Thank you for the review! And as for Draco and his head hurting . . . you read on and you'll find out! Hopefully, you'll enjoy this chapter as much as I hope you will!!!  
  
*Dracoluver2009 ~ Thank you for the review, I know I say it to everyone, but I mean it everytime! As for the romance . . . all I'm saying is that there will be more, and their relationship shall build, BUT not for some time yet! (I know when but that's my secret ;D)  
  
*Loah ~ Thanks, the review was great too!  
  
*Smileyface1314 ~ Thank you for the review, and I'm sorry I haven't read your story Tragic Kingdom (until now)!! I totally forgot about it but hopefully, now I shall have read it!  
  
*Paprika90 ~ Aw, thanks, here's the next chapter, I really hope you enjoy it! And (of course) review afterwards!!  
  
*The lady Katherine ~ Thank you for the reviews, and the suggestions as well! I'll keep them in mind, but I can't guarantee that they'll be used! I write what comes my way, so it all depends on whether I remember your suggestion when I type! But I do have something in mind that I think I'll use first . . . oh and yes, this is a d/h fic, so there shall be romance . . . when I'm not sure, as I am a crap romantic comedy write.  
  
*LythTaeraneth ~ Lol, yeah, I know it would have been an insult which is why I didn't name Lee, James. Oh and as for that Dracula thing, yeah, that just came to me in an unexpected daydream, hehe, and I was reading about Draco being Dracula, that was funny . . .  
  
*Fluff ~ Thank you for the review! This might disappoint you, but the dreams were added for no particular reason whatsoever . . . now I'm wondering whether I should have told you that . . . lol, anyway, Hermione's purpleness won't come up much anymore, I mean, even I'M getting tired of it! Here's the update, enjoy!  
  
*Anonymous ~ Howdy ho, thanks for the review, and for what you said in it! The romance (and kissing, maybe) will be coming soon, how soon I don't know, but I am a AWFUL romantic comedy writer, but I'm improving, so you'll just have to wait, and keep the romance at the back of your head for now!  
  
*Pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ I hope I spelt your name right . . . thanks for the review! Here's the update, please enjoy!  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
CHAPTER TEN: Choco galore  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing apart from the plot that makes up this fic, as simple as it may be, I am damn proud of it!!! Me owning nothing includes the fact that I own none of the characters, or Hogwarts, or Hogsmeade for that matter. YIPPEE!!!! I do, however, own Dr Granger, the cooky lady.  
  
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"Look Donna, just tell me what in hell is wrong with him, I haven't got all day!"  
  
Hermione screamed, it was midnight, she was tired, and she was stuck in a room with a posh doctor and a snoring ferret. Not exactly her vision of heaven.  
  
"Well Miss Granger, just to tell you first, we've called your Aunt, she is coming. The problem he has is . . . well, he seems to have some sort of . . . I don't know what to call it. It's not a disease, exactly, but it's definitely a problem."  
  
"Oh that's okay then, he's always been diseased anyway, now can I go to sleep? I do have a busy day tomorrow you know!"  
  
"Aren't you going to that chocolate factory tomorrow, Hermione honey?"  
  
Dr Granger bustled in, followed by a scruffy looking Serena in a fluffy pink nightgown. Hermione raised her eyebrows, then thought how out of character that was, so she lowered then into a frown. 'God Malfoy must be rubbing off on me,' Hermione thought absentmindedly as her Aunt sat down next to her.  
  
"Aren't you going to that factory with Ron Weasley and Harry Potter? Oh and their partners of course." Dr Granger repeated.  
  
"I don't know, am I?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How come?"  
  
"Ronald chose Mr Potter and his pair, you and, he did say unfortunately, Mr Malfoy too, because he is your pair after all."  
  
"Right, well then I NEED MY SLEEP!!!! I can't go to a chocolate factory tired, I mean, I'll get eaten by a giant chocolate frog or something!!!"  
  
Dr Granger smiled and nodded, patting Hermione on the head and scruffing up her hair in affection, making Hermione scowl and try to make her hair less bushy, making it bushier. She turned to face Donna, trying to ignore the fact that there were now two snoring people in the room - Draco and Serena.  
  
"So, what's wrong with him?"  
  
"It seems that he has some sort of . . . thing, growing in him, that came when he drank that cup of slime, I mean, that cup, of . . . errr, DRINK. I think that it was only his drink that had it in, so that's why it's only affected HIM and not anyone else. That thing should have taken a while to be activated, so it does make sense that he's only being like this now."  
  
"So how's he going to go to that chocolate factory tomorrow?" Dr Granger asked as she stood and went over to look at the drooling Draco, scrunched up on a hard table used as a bed. She prodded him with her finger, making him blow bubbles out of his mouth and mumble something like 'Merlin had a little broom, little broom, little broom, Merlin had a little broom, wood as brown as trees . . .'  
  
"Well, what is actually the matter with him is that he may act like a four year old at times, but sometimes he may act like the normal seventeen year old Mr Malfoy, but I think it would be much safer if he didn't go at all tomorrow."  
  
Hermione did a back flip inside and didn't even bother to hide her grin. If Malfoy wasn't going to go to the factory, that would mean that she would be away from these cooky experiments AND him for a whole day!!! What more could she ask for? But then, a thought struck her.  
  
"Oh no!!! He can't miss out on the fun!! He HAS to come tomorrow Aunt Emi, he just HAS to."  
  
Dr Granger and Donna stared at Hermione like she had gone mad. She smiled sweetly and fluttered her eyelids, trying to act all innocent. Dr Granger smiled hesitantly as she looked Hermione up and down, trying to figure out what was wrong with her darling little niece.  
  
"Well, okay then dear, if you really want him to. But I'm warning you Hermione! He'll be your responsibility if he changes, and four years olds aren't exactly the easiest things to look after!"  
  
"Of course I'll look after him Aunt Emi! I'll be really good to him, yes . . . reeeeeeeeeally good." Hermione smiled evilly, her mind whirling in her head. 'Hehehehehe . . . once Malfoy is at the factory, SHOVE!! And he'll be in that pot of boiling chocolate sauce before you can say quidditch . . . . . . . . . . hehehehehehehehe MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! . . . . God, I really should get out more . . .'  
  
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"Groan . . ."  
  
Hermione stretched out her hand to try and shut her alarm off. It was now about 7:00am, and she was in her own bed after having to struggle to carry Draco into the room and into his bed. Dr Granger had told her that she had to be dressed by 8:00am. Ron would then knock on her door when it was time to leave for the factory.  
  
"WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione opened her eyes slightly, wondering what on earth had caused that racket, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco was peering at her while sitting on top of her, a goofy grin plastered on his face and his hair messed up. He got up and pulled the covers away from Hermione, a playful hint in his eye. He then began to jump up and down on her bed, making her fall off with a hard THUMP to the ground.  
  
"Malfoy you freak!!! Stop that!!!" Hermione blushed as she watched him continue to jump, ignoring every word she had said, "And go put some clothes on."  
  
Draco stopped, he looked down to realise that he was just in his boxers. The goofy grin turning into an even goofier smile, "My name is DRACO, D. R. A. C. O. Father says so and what father says is what everyone should say!!! Who are you?" Draco frowned, he had said everything in a baby voice like what he would have sounded like if he was three or four years old. Hermione sighed and thought it best if she answered like she was him.  
  
"I'm a muggle-born that you call Granger."  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! MUDBLOOD!!!! FILTHY MUDDYBLOODY!!!! IN MY ROOM!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione grabbed her pillow and stuffed it down Draco's mouth, making him shut up and choke at the same time.  
  
"It's my room too," She said, she was beginning to get annoyed of this Draco - little Draco was no better than big Draco and she really didn't feel like looking after posh, snobby and bratty children right now. 'Note to self: Never be a babysitter' and with that thought in mind, she hurried into the bathroom before little Draco started to drool over her or something.  
  
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"Er, right, so he's not the REAL Malfoy?"  
  
"Harry, he is the real Malfoy, just, the real Malfoy when he was four or three, whatever," Hermione tried to explain as she sat in the six people carriage. They were now heading to the chocolate frogs factory and the excitement was really getting to some of them, namely Ron and Draco (being four has it's ways). The rain was splattering down outside, but that didn't really matter as they were inside a carriage with a roof over their heads.  
  
Ron tapped little Draco on the shoulder (I'll refer to Draco as little or big as to not confuse you people, or myself). "So, you like our Hermione then?" Ron asked curiously, trying his best to keep calm about the trip (if keeping calm is ripping your hand-me-down robes and chewing on them).  
  
"She's better than what father said muddybloody's were," Draco replied, still staring out the window, captured by the dull stone pavements and the growing mould on a side of a nearby building, "Where is my father anyway?"  
  
"Oh he's de -  
  
"What Ron means is that he's gone somewhere far, far away in the land of the devils," Hermione said sweetly as she glared at Ron. So the baby teenager was Draco Malfoy, but that didn't mean that a four year old had to be exposed to such things like death! That could wait until later, like when she dropped him in boiling hot chocolate.  
  
"Oh, okay, so he's dead. Mother won't be pleased."  
  
Hermione frowned. How did Draco know such things at such a young age? But then again, he did come from a family such as the Malfoy's, she should have known better than to try and convince one of the most lethal and dark families son about death. Nevermind, better luck next time.  
  
"You know," Lisa Turpin began as she sat and watched Draco, "I like this Draco, he's a lot less grumpy."  
  
"Yeah," Padma nodded, "The grumpiness must come with the aging, eh?"  
  
"I told you I'm not old!!! And what am I doing here? I thought I was dangling from my four poster!!!" Draco frowned and moved his hand over his hair to check that it was gelled back. Luckily for him, a four-year-old Draco even knew how to gel his hair back expertly. It was obvious that he had just changed to big Draco mode.  
  
"Oh no Malfoy!!! Of course you're not old!!! Just because you've got memory lapses and wear a wig, it can't POSSIBLY mean you're old!!!"  
  
"Shut it Granger, how did I get here anyway? And where are you taking me?" Draco looked around suspiciously as he sat and shifted slightly. They were all staring at him, all except Hermione that is.  
  
"Turns out YOU have a disease Malfoy, it turns you into a four year old occasionally, but don't worry, the doctors says it'll pass."  
  
"Granger, I wasn't even ASKING about that."  
  
"Yeah, well, what you gonna do about it?"  
  
"Malfoy," Padma began, "We're all going to the chocolate frogs factory, you know, because of Ron and Lisa's prize? He didn't want you to come, none of us did, but we wanted Hermione to come and she couldn't come without her partner, hence the YOU part."  
  
Draco nodded then smirked and turned to Hermione, who was still avoiding any eye contact with him whatsoever.  
  
"Turns out you are good for at least one thing Granger."  
  
"Mmm hmm."  
  
Draco frowned and raised an eyebrow, "Why aren't you looking at me? Am I too ravishing? Or just handsomely perfect? Hold on, maybe too gorgeously made for any normal mudblood's eyes?"  
  
Hermione snorted and continued to gaze out of the window, her arms folded across her chest. "Let's just say I helped dress you this morning Malfoy."  
  
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"Blimmey."  
  
Ron gasped as they stood inside the factory. For one thing, there were jumping frogs everywhere, croaking as they hopped, the entire entrance hall was dark purple and had spotlights that created the only form of light in the dark corridors. Mirrors were hung from the ceiling and doors were everywhere the eye could see. The outside was impressive enough, with ten stories and a large banner with moving frogs on, but the inside seemed so mysterious, it was ten times as amazing and brilliant.  
  
The six continued to gaze until, a door just to their right flung open.  
  
"Hello there."  
  
A house elf dressed in a rather old pillowcase with red spots decorating it hobbled up to them and smiled, making Draco shake his head and mutter something about 'people these days - house elves with RED SPOTS on their pillowcases? Come on . . .'  
  
"Hi." Hermione smiled in reply at the house elf, ignoring Draco's mutters. She may not go around advertising SPEW anymore, but she still didn't think that it was right that house elves were treated badly in 99.9999999999999999999999999% of British homes.  
  
"My name is Nibby and I am the faithful house elf of the owner and creator of the chocolate frog. I am supposed to be giving you six a tour, if you could please follow me, w shall begin," Nibby scuttled towards a door and held it open for the six of them to walk through.  
  
They entered the brightly lit room and settled themselves down on the sofas. Nibby stood and smiled at them all, holding a miniature clipboard and pen in his hand.  
  
"If you could all give me your names . . ."  
  
"Ron Weasley," Ron said with pride as he gazed through a nearby window at the trees dripping with chocolate, ooooh glorious chocolate . . .  
  
"Okay, to save time, master has told me to call you the 'whatever-your-name- is' group. So your names shall be, visitor 1211636739892905157790456523 group! Now, please take these."  
  
Nibby handed each of them a goody bag. Hermione looked inside and found at least twenty chocolate frog cards, three chocolate frogs, and a new product by the chocolate frog factory that said on the packet: 'Burping balloons, chocolate balloons filled with melted chocolate that are bound to make you hiccup for at least ten months!!!' Nibby began to leave the room, beckoning for them all to follow. Ron was first up, practically skipping on Nibby's command.  
  
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"Now this," Nibby stated, pointing to an enormous pot filled with whisks, "is the whisk basket, where we test each whisk to see whether they're good enough to use for our quality chocolate. We use our wands to move the whisks to whisk the chocolate, but as lame as it may sound, the whisk does affect the results of our chocolate, and only chocolate appreciators would understand that."  
  
Ron nodded with an understanding grin as they trudged on to the next room. They had already been to the boiler room (where they would boil the chocolate to see at what temperature it would melt so that they could put a disclaimer on), the staff room (where there were a whole bunch of weird people drinking hot chocolate), the testing room (where people would charm the frogs so that they moved), the card room (where they made the cards and where Ron nicked some when no one was looking), the sweet room (where people would actually eat one frog in each batch to see whether they tasted right) and the toilet (for a break of course, and to let go, if you get my drift . . .)  
  
Hermione walked into the next room, and to her delight, it was what she had been waiting for - the chocolate sauce room!!! Inside, there was a large tub filled with melted chocolate (which I have referred to as 'sauce'), ready to be shaped into frogs and then charmed. Hehe . . . now all she needed was for Malfoy to turn into his four-year-old self again . . . speaking of which . . .  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
Draco yelped and ran towards Hermione, hiding behind her and clinging onto her robes. His eyes were as round as saucepans as he stared at an enormous creature hopping around all over the place. It was a gigantic chocolate frog, and it began to hop its way over to Hermione, making Draco cower even more. An adult wearing goggles was riding it.  
  
"EAT THE MUDDYBLOODY AND NOT ME!!!" Draco howled, practically wetting his pants.  
  
"For god's sake he's not going to eat you and at least have the decency to say mudblood instead of MUDDYBLOODY!!!!"  
  
Hermione shouted as she twisted her robe out of Draco's grasp. His bottom lip began to tremble and he began to sniff. She rolled her eyes and sighed, 'stupid four year old Malfoy!!!! Why can't we stick spellotape over his mouth or something?'  
  
"WWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MUDDYBLOODY'S MAKING FUN OF ME!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco began to wail and scream as the giant frog rider glared down at them. "Oh shush him will you? He's distracting the frog."  
  
"Oh sorry, errr, why is there a giant frog in here anyway?"  
  
"Oh no he's not an actual frog, he's Timothy - the experiment went wrong. No matter, he was huge when we started anyway."  
  
The rider and 'Timothy' hopped away from them and began to try and squeeze himself through the tiny fire exit at the back of the room. Meanwhile, Draco was still wailing and sobbing and punching the nearest thing in site - Ron.  
  
"Get off Malfoy!!! . . . . . . HEY STOP THUMPING ME!!!! I SAID STOP!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Ron struggled to get Draco off him. Finally, he succeeded in getting him to stop punching him . . . only to have him begin to cling on to his leg. Ron began to swing his leg around in the air to try and get him off.  
  
"Errr, Hermione, I think maybe you should try and help get Malfoy off Ron's leg," Harry said as he prodded Hermione on the arm, "You know, you did say to your Aunt that you would look after -  
  
'SPLASH'  
  
Harry, Padma, Lisa and Hermione looked in the direction of the noise. Ron was standing and cheering like the Chudley Cannons had just won the quidditch world cup, and Draco . . . . Draco was now bawling in the hot tub of chocolate sauce nearby. It seemed that Ron had managed to kick Draco off, with careful aim, into the enormous pot.  
  
"Ron!!!" Hermione shook her head and headed towards the hot tub of chocolate sauce, staring at the now sniffing Draco, his head droopy.  
  
Ron looked confused as he stopped doing the moonwalk in celebration, "What is it? Don't you want him to be kicked in hot chocolate??"  
  
Hermione turned to him as she tugged Draco out of the tub. He was covered in chocolate sauce from head to foot, and he had managed to stop crying, but he still looked upset and hurt. Could our Hermione possibly care for Draco? Was she beginning to show her true feelings for the Slytherin?? She sighed and dragged Draco over to Ron, making them stand face to face.  
  
"Well Ron, it's just that . . . I wanted to do that!!!"  
  
Ron grinned, "There'll always be a next time Hermione. Think of it this way - we can chuck him off a cliff next time!!"  
  
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"This is one of the happiest days of my life!!! And I'm only four," Draco shouted happily as they rode the carriage back to Hogwarts. Hermione stared at him. Little Draco seemed so carefree and happy, whilst big Draco was just one big pain in the butt hole. That was probably because little Draco hadn't learnt all the rules of being a Malfoy, like how they weren't supposed to cry, let alone BAWL.  
  
He was still entirely covered in chocolate, apart from his head, which had been washed by the rain. Ron was now half dreaming and half picking bits of dried chocolate off Draco to eat. Every other person apart from Hermione, Ron and Draco were asleep.  
  
"Malfoy, how can it be the happiest? You fell into a boiling pot of chocolate sauce, AND you got banned from ever going in there again due to serious mental disorder!!" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"Yeah well, I've had worse, and I could always sneak through that broken window in the toilet."  
  
"No Malfoy, that's an air vent."  
  
Draco shrugged and smiled at Hermione as she turned to face him. Hermione couldn't help but blush. Little Draco obviously hadn't learnt the Malfoy rule never to smile or grin, or anything of that sort. She had to admit, Draco smiling seemed weird, and to be perfectly honest, she preferred him scowling.  
  
"Thanks for taking me Granger muddybloody."  
  
Draco continued to smile. Hermione felt kind of creeped out by his smiling now, she swore it wasn't normal. She smiled back awkwardly, trying to ignore how close he was to her.  
  
'Okay Hermione, calm down . . . he's only four you know . . . well, in a seventeen year old's body, but four all the same! Now don't think stupid thoughts . . .'  
  
Before she knew what was happening, little Draco had landed his lips straight on hers in a wet, sloppy and inexperienced kiss. Hermione's eyes widened. He, little Draco, was kissing her, of his own free will. Not wanting anything like to make him non pregnant, just . . . .wanting to kiss her, Hermione Granger. Okay, let's say this again, Draco Malfoy, four years of age, wanting to kiss Hermione Granger, aged seventeen.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Draco screamed. He had just had a memory lapse and had woken up to find himself kissing Granger, GRANGER OF ALL PEOPLE!!! She was staring back at him, the same shocked and wide-eyed expression on her face as was on his.  
  
"Yawn," Harry stretched and rubbed his eyes through his glasses, "God, who screamed? And why are you both blushing like mad? Oh and Malfoy, red isn't your colour. Hermione, your blush goes with the purple and your green tongue, so that's okay."  
  
"Yeah, what exactly were you screaming about Hermione?" Padma asked, now awake too, "You scared the life out of me, not to mention WOKE ME UP."  
  
"That wasn't me!!! It was Malfoy over here, you know he's a sissy!!!!" Hermione exclaimed indignantly, her face going even redder.  
  
"Oh it's not my fault!!! You would have screamed too if you woke up to find yourself kissing a mudblood!! Well, actually, you wouldn't seeing as you are one . . . but that's not the point!!!"  
  
"You two KISSED???" Lisa asked, her eyes wide with shock as was Harry's and Padma's.  
  
"Correction, HE KISSED ME!!! And for your information Malfoy, you weren't asleep, you were four!!!"  
  
"Same difference!!!!!!"  
  
"No it's not!!! I would never kiss you, you just looked at me and pounced!!! Anyway, it was wet and sloppy, just eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!"  
  
"Oh shut up, I WAS FOUR!!!!"  
  
"So, basically, you kissed each other??" Padma asked, yawning again. Harry looked like he was going to throw up sometime soon. Come to think of it, so did Hermione and Draco.  
  
"No way in my life would I kiss Draco Malfoy!!! The blonde, evil, little arse!!!"  
  
"And you think I don't feel the same way Granger??"  
  
"OH SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!" Ron shouted, his ears matching his flaming red hair. He hadn't spoken since they had exited the factory, and it came as a shock to all of them that Ron hadn't spoken at all about anything, maybe something was wrong with him?  
  
"Ron," Hermione asked tentatively, "Are you alright? I mean, you seem a bit off."  
  
"What she means," Draco said, butting in, "Is that you're more off in lala land than you normally are. What in hell is bothering you, if you don't tell her, she'll lick your buttocks, although I doubt you'll mind anyway."  
  
"I did not mean that!!!" Hermione exclaimed indignantly, puffing herself up in fury.  
  
Ron didn't answer, the dazed and dreamy look spread across his face once more, meaning that he was once again, off in lala land. Hermione rolled her eyes and tried to think of something to talk about.  
  
"So . . . errrr, the chocolate factory, it was fun wasn't it?"  
  
"FUN?????" Ron burst out; the dazed look still on his face, making him look more of a lunatic than he already was, "IT WAS BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!!"  
  
Ron grinned goofily and menacingly at Hermione, making all of them stare at him in a weird way. Draco leaned across to Harry.  
  
"Potter, I think Weasley needs his medication now."  
  
Ron sighed and leaned back against his seat, yawning and looking half asleep already. He closed his eyes and began to fall asleep, dreaming of the wondrous chocolate factory, and Timothy the gigantic frog. He grinned.  
  
"I am SO going to work there someday . . ."  
  
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This one was kind of rushed, but nevermind!!! I do hope it was alright though, I mean, I don't know whether it is or not, so please review and tell me!!! REEEEEEEEEVIEWWW!!!!!!!! Please. Update coming as soon as I finish it, so don't rush me. Actually, even if YOU don't rush me, I might rush it myself so it doesn't really matter if you complain that I'm taking too long!!!  
  
~ Cheerio  
  
~Snap, crackle and pop 


	10. Little Draco

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
OKAY, RIGHT, SO, SO, SOOOOOOO, SORRY FOR MISSING OUT SOMEBODY'S NAME ON MY LAST THANKS!!! AHHHHH (namely, burgundyred - go read her fics!) AND SORRY IF I'VE DONE IT BEFORE AND YOU HAVEN'T SAID! I DO NOT MEAN IT!!!  
  
Now to thank the other people:  
  
~ Anonymous ~ Thanks for reviewing; I know the Malfoy thing is weird, but it makes a story, and I never did say this story was realistic . . . at all. Lol, yeah, being Hermione does suck, but she's not as colourful now. Hope you read and enjoy this chappie dude!  
  
~LythTaeraneth ~ Thank you SO much for your review!! You weren't completely wrong about Little Draco . . . as you shall find out in this chapter! HAHA!! Thanks again!  
  
~ Some12 ~ Lol, thanks!! The reassurance that I did the right thing is so nice . . . lol.  
  
~ Serena ~ Thank you so very much!!! I hope you continue to read, and also, thank you for the review on 'Fantasy' too! That was so nice of you . . . I only thought that ending was crappy because it was so soppy, I'm trying my best not to make the ending of this fic (which is nowhere near now) soppy, actually, I have no idea how this thing is going to end . . .  
  
~Paprika90 ~ Do you mean cured as in 'Little Draco cured' or do you mean some other type of cured? I'm confused . . . and if it was 'Little Draco cured' then look at the chapter title! Thanks for reviewing!  
  
~burgundyred ~ Hehe, did you see the note at the top? Just wondering . . . lol, I quite like the oompa loompas! I think they're so funny . . . but no, I wasn't really thinking about oompa loompas when I was writing about Nibby. The kiss I put in cus' well . . cus' I don't know! And you know Ron (well not personally but that's not the point), he likes to eat, most of the time. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
~ smileyface1314 ~ Thanks for reviewing! . . . I kind of used your suggestion? Really? Well that's good! But I really can't remember what your suggestion was, lol. To be perfectly honest, I don't have a clue how he got the disease either . . . and I wrote it! Lol . . .  
  
~Harryforeva ~ Yay, you reviewed! And yeah, I know it was kind of . . . spur of the moment, but I really wanted to write a chapter about it, so you know. I had a suspicious feeling you wouldn't like the chocolaty goodness of it all cus' of you said before!  
  
~Fluff ~ aw, thanks! Here's my update, I really hope you do enjoy it (and in case you were wondering, there's more of 'Little Draco' in this one - hence the chapter title)!! Now you got to promise me you'll update soon too!!  
  
~Happigolucki616 ~ Its really nice of you to review two chapters! Thanks! Times two!! Lol, Draco might be a jerk ass now, but he wasn't always like that! Which his four-year-old self proves!! Thanks again, I hope you read and enjoy (and review) this chapter!!  
  
~pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ Thanks for reviewing, and yes, I have reviewed your new chapter already except when I reviewed I couldn't be bothered to sign in, or use capitals, so I was 'iluvronweasley' and not ILUVRONWEASLEY, hehe . . .  
  
'= thoughts, "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS ~ Notice: First line needs to be sung for full effect.  
  
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Little Draco  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, as you all know. But I did go and buy the Harry Potter PS2 game: The Chamber of secrets, so I guess I own that . . . but come to think of it, I've owned that for ages . . . okay, now I'm confusing myself with my pointless ranting . . .  
  
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"I'm singing, in my pants . . . I'm singing in my panties . . . oh what a wonderful feeling! I'll wear them again . . ."  
  
"Groan . . ."  
  
'WHACK'  
  
Hermione didn't even need to look up to realise that she had hit Draco with her pillow square, in the jaw. Maybe she should try for the chaser position . . . . . . . . . . Oh yes, she couldn't even USE a broom, there's the problem . . .  
  
It was about 3:30 in the morning, and Draco had turned back into his four year old self about half an hour ago. He couldn't get to sleep (supposedly) and was now trying to get her to play with him . . . at three thirty in the bloody morning.  
  
Hermione felt something soft hit her back. Obviously Draco had just thrown the pillow back at her, and she had to admit - he had good aim for the mind and ability of a four-year-old imbecile.  
  
"Oof." A heavy weight known as Draco pounced and jumped on her, sumo style!  
  
"I SAID PLAY WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"  
  
"I might if you GET OFF ME," She screamed into her duvet cover. He was such an annoying brat, even more so than he was before this stupid 'disease' happened. At this rate, she'd be old and grey before she was twenty-two . . . .  
  
Draco scrambled off her and looked at her with that goofy grin stuck on his face as she sighed and got up, wrapping the duvet tight around herself to keep her warm.  
  
"Ugh . . . Malfoy, ONE game and then I'm going to sleep again."  
  
"NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! THREE GAMES AT LEAST, THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"  
  
"Whatever, just leave me alone afterwards."  
  
"OKEY DOKEY!!!"  
  
"And stop shouting, you're going to wake everyone up."  
  
Draco nodded and grinned then tugged Hermione by the duvet and over to the window where the rain was pouring down onto the glass. He opened the window and stuck his head out, making his hair wet and scruffy.  
  
"Now this game is one I've just made up, it's called rain!!! I made it up because your hair is bushy," Draco shouted as he stuck his head back in, his hair now sopping wet and stuck to his head. He pushed Hermione's head out, making her splutter at the taste of salty rain.  
  
"And the point of this is . . .???"  
  
Draco tugged her head back in and dragged her to the bathroom, then stuck her head into the sink. Hermione shrieked as he got a dog combing brush from nowhere and began to scrub at her head.  
  
"MALFOY YOU DOPE WHAT ARE YOU DOING??????"  
  
"Scrubbing your head, duh!!"  
  
Oh dear . . . the cute voice that little Draco always had had gone and was replaced with the deep, harsh and slightly less annoying voice of normal Draco. She screamed and tried to nudge him off while trying not to drown in the water that was now spilling from the tap.  
  
"When on earth did you turn back????"  
  
"I woke up to see your head out of the window you freak, now keep still!!!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
She squirmed harder and used her hands to splash water all over him, he shrieked girlishly (to her delight).  
  
"Why you little . . ."  
  
Draco grabbed a sponge and soaked it with water, then threw it at Hermione's body and began to scrub at her head again, now even harder than before.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEKK!!!! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO MALFOY??? RIP MY HAIR OUT?? AS IF IT ISN'T BAD ENOUGH!!!!"  
  
"Oh shut up, if your hair did fall out, I'd be doing you a favour!!"  
  
"Let go off me -  
  
Hermione twisted around, then realised that that was one biiiiiiig mistake as Draco continued to scrub hard on her face, pretending that he didn't know she had turned around.  
  
"Gah . . . stop . . . pppht . . . . scrubbing!!!"  
  
Draco stopped and did a little dance on the bathroom floor.  
  
"Hehe . . . Granger's at my mercy, Granger's at my mercy . . . no, not annoying enough . . . I know a song that'll get on your nerves! Get on your nerves! Get on your nerves! I know a song that will get on your -  
  
Like Jackie Chan, or Hong Kong Fu-ui (or however you spell it), Hermione twisted Draco's hand around so that he was yelling in pain, and moaning to try and get her to release him. She pushed his head into the sink with her free hand then took the dog brush from Draco's hand and began to scrub at his blonde hair, making him cry out in anger.  
  
"THIS IS ABUSE I TELL YOU, ABUSE!!!!"  
  
"YOU STARTED IT!!"  
  
"BUT YOU HAIR IS BUSHY, MINE IS PERFECT, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE!!!!"  
  
Hermione looked around for something that would make this situation all the more fun. Then, she saw it; a bottle of wizarding shampoo labelled 'Vanity boosts, for extra volume', then, in little tiny letters underneath, 'use no more than one squirt at a time'. Hermione stretched out to grab it and then unscrewed the bottle lid (ignoring the nozzle).  
  
"Haha Malfoy! Fear the wrath of Hermione Granger!!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Draco screamed girlishly once more and continued to wriggle and moan in vain as Hermione poured the entire contents of the bottle onto his head and began scrubbing.  
  
~LATER . . . and Little Draco is back! Oh yeah, and the scrubbing has stopped~  
  
"Malfoy, I'm going to sleep now."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, YOU SAID YOU'D PLAY THREE GAMES WITH ME, IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE!!!"  
  
"Malfoy, I'm sopping wet, and my hair is now even bushier thanks to you, leave me alone!!!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO, YOU PROMISED!!!!"  
  
"Technically . . ."  
  
"DON'T YOU USE FANCY WORDS WITH ME!!!!! PLAY WITH ME OR DIE!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Who knew little Draco could be so ferocious? Then again, he was brought up by a maniac deatheater that probably brought him to see him murder innocent people . . . suddenly, Hermione had an idea, a brilliant and devious idea that even Draco would be proud to have.  
  
"Now Draco, I will play with you, ONLY if you play the game I want to play."  
  
Little Draco nodded eagerly and sat down on the carpet, as did Hermione.  
  
"The game I want to play is hide and seek."  
  
"How'd you play that?"  
  
"Well, you go hide, not in this room, just anywhere in this castle, and then I go to find you after I've counted to fifty, okay?"  
  
Draco nodded and got up, practically tripping over his own feet to try and reach the door, when Hermione had a sudden brainwave. Now, she wanted to embarrass him, but not embarrass him that much so that he would NEVER live it down, no, she wouldn't stoop to his level . . . maybe somewhere close, but never AS low anyway.  
  
"Malfoy, come over here," Draco obediently did, "Take this robe and wear it okay? Good."  
  
Draco took his school robe, hurriedly put it on and then rushed through the open door, leaving Hermione in the dark. Instead of counting to fifty, she went over to her digital clock and had a look at what time it was. Her clock read 4:39am. She yawned and stretched, climbing into her still warm bed, and wrapping herself back into her duvet.  
  
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"Er, Hermione," Harry said uncertainly as he chewed his piece of toast, "What exactly did you DO last night?"  
  
Hermione raised her eyebrows. It was now morning and she was finally able to have a conversation with her two bestest buddies. She sipped her milk and licked her lips.  
  
"I was just playing with Malfoy."  
  
Harry and Ron couldn't look more horrified.  
  
"When you say . . . playing, what exactly do you mean by that?" Harry asked testily as Ron gawped at her, bacon dropping from his open mouth back onto his plate.  
  
"I mean, playing."  
  
"Playing what though? Roll and tumble? WHAT??????"  
  
"Calm down Harry, we just played some things."  
  
"That doesn't make me feel any better about this you know."  
  
"Yes well, why do you ask?"  
  
"Let's just say . . . I had problems sleeping because of certain strange noises."  
  
"Oooo, has the ghosts of Christmas past come to haunt you? Tut, tut, Harry, and it's not even Christmas yet."  
  
"No . . . I mean, disgusting MOANING coming in the direction of YOUR bedroom."  
  
"Oh, that was Malfoy."  
  
I swallow my words, Harry and Ron looked even more horrified than they did before. Ron was now choking because he couldn't swallow the amount of scrambled egg that he had stuffed in his mouth. Harry was confused, he was horrified and trying to help Ron at the same time, ending in a wimpy pat on the back for Ron.  
  
"Don't worry you guys, I don't mean playing as in . . . the playing your thinking of. That's just gross . . . EW, now you got a vision of a naked Malfoy in my head!!!"  
  
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEER!!!!!!!!!"  
  
All heads turned to the door as an angry Draco burst through the door, red with anger. He stormed over to Hermione, who had just put down her beaker of milk. She calmly turned around as Ron tumbled to the floor, as red as his hair.  
  
"Granger, pray tell me why on earth I woke up in a broom closet, in only my boxers and a robe??????" Draco asked, trying his best to keep calm. Hermione stared at him, ignoring the gagging noises behind her.  
  
Hermione continued to stare, making Draco even more annoyed of her. He stretched his hands forward, trying his hardest to try not to strangle her as she filled a spare beaker with water and held it in her hands.  
  
"GRANGER?????"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"CARE TO ANSWER MY QUESTION?????"  
  
"No."  
  
Draco stood and raised an eyebrow at her. Hermione looked at him and chucked the water over him.  
  
"Ppppppppphttt . . . . and that was for?"  
  
"The shampoo in your hair."  
  
Draco looked horrified as he placed both his hands on his hair and began to stroke it to see what was in it. He looked at the white foam in his hands and them scowled at Hermione, who was now looking down at the floor watching Ron choke.  
  
"Granger, you . . . you . . . you ruddy . . . . UGH, I can't even call you a prune anymore, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CHANGE BACK INTO NORMAL COLOUR AT A TIME LIKE THIS YOU STUPID GRANGER SKIN!!!!!"  
  
And with that, Draco hurried off to wash. Hermione looked up, shrugged, then turned back to the floor, now seeing Harry (who was looking at Ron worriedly) and Lisa.  
  
"Okay, Padma, after I say three now, one . . . two . . . three!!!"  
  
Padma and Lisa did a runner up to Ron and sat on his stomach, making him spit out a big wad of scrambled egg. He was, however, still purple as he staggered up, looking dizzy and dazed. He sighed and saw himself in the puddle of water Hermione had made.  
  
"God, I hope I'm not gonna be purple all day!!!"  
  
"Ron," Hermione said, throwing a carton of fruit juice over to him, "Try having to be me for the past week."  
  
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"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!! "  
  
Hermione cringed as she heard that all too familiar voice. The time was now about one in the afternoon, she was in a spare classroom near the muggle studies area, and she was just about to finish her warm-up, which was to dangle from the ceiling and read complicated sentences back to front and upside down. It was hard, but being the intelligent girl she was, it wasn't THAT hard.  
  
Draco rushed into the room, angry as hell. Lee, who was once again one of the people in charge, and Dr Granger (Serena being too choked up to do anything near Lee, therefore meaning she couldn't even wet herself near him) turned to Draco and tried their best not to laugh. Hermione, however, was nowhere near as polite.  
  
"HA! Malfoy, what happened to your wig?"  
  
"YOU IS WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WIG, I mean, HAIR!!!!"  
  
"How exactly can 'I' happen to your wig?"  
  
"YOUR STUPID SHAMPOO MADE AN AFRO OF ME!!!!!"  
  
Draco shouted. Hermione resisted the urge to laugh. Draco now had his beautiful head of golden fair hair, in a bushy, big afro. 'Guess that extra volume shampoo really did mean EXTRA volume . . .'  
  
"Honestly Malfoy, you should calm down, that afro suits you, really it does. Makes your wig less obvious."  
  
"Oh shut it Granger, super spello gel won't even hold this THING down, nor my wand. THIS IS A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE."  
  
"Ah, now you see my world."  
  
Draco rolled his eyes and crossed his arms just as Lee waved his wand, making Hermione fall from the ceiling and crash into some pillows underneath her.  
  
"Ugh . . . what did you put in these pillows?"  
  
"Oh sorry Hermione honey," Dr Granger said as she struggled to help her niece up, "We couldn't quite afford nice soft feathers, so we had to fill the pillows with pieces of rock candy instead."  
  
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"To be perfectly honest, I think today's experiment will be MUCH more fun than the last! Which, by the way Hermione dear, was yesterday, when we all had to see which man-eating plant was poisonous and which wasn't!!! It was very fun, such a shame you weren't here really . . . anyway, as I was saying, today's experiment shall include something us muggles know as diving!! Now, what do you wizard folk call it?"  
  
Dr Granger looked around. Ron raised an eyebrow and a hand, as no one else bothered.  
  
"Yes Mr Weasley."  
  
"Diving?"  
  
She blinked at him blankly for a few seconds until she smiled brightly. "Okay, if that's what you say Mr Weasley!!! Anyway, we shall all be diving, pair by pair, into the lake of Hogwarts!! We have been given pills, made from what we don't know, BUT we know it lasts for two hours maximum!! To make this project even more fun, we have asked our Professor Flitwick, to give every pair a prize!! That is, depending on whether they find the glowing golden orb of well, waterproof electricity . . . it is hidden!! Oh, but to make it harder, we will use a charm to tie the pair together! So team work will do you good!!!"  
  
Dr Granger smiled and nodded to Professor Flitwick, who was holding the sorting hat upside down. He waved his wand, and the hat began to talk.  
  
"Yawn, first pair shall be the odd couple, Miss Hermione Granger and Mr Draco Malfoy . . . please remind me never to work over time again . . ."  
  
The Sorting hat began snoring as Hermione groaned. She felt her hand being magically bound to Draco's, the fact that he was running away from the white coated people with the pills to make them breathe underwater didn't help either.  
  
"Malfoy - AH!!!"  
  
Hermione was being dragged through nearby bushes by the running and squealing Draco. 'Stupid Malfoy, doesn't he know that he could run PAST the bushes instead of THROUGH them????'  
  
She hung onto a tree and finally managed to make Draco stop. He screamed and tried to pretend he knew kung fu. Hermione however, was having a psychic brainwave, could it be that little Draco was back?  
  
"Now Mr Malfoy, calm down, they're only pills, not poisonous at all!!!" Dr Granger said slowly, trying to sound convincing . . . and failing miserably.  
  
"WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! NO PILLIES!!! I WANT HERMI!!!!"  
  
Hermione groaned, why Hermi of all names? WHY OH WHY???? She patted Draco on the back. He spun around. The moment he saw her, his face contorted into a wobbly smile. He pounced on her and hugged her tightly.  
  
"Gasp . . . Malfoy . . . Draco . . . LET GO OF ME."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Draco let go and continued to grin goofily at her as everyone burst out laughing. Dr Granger smiled and winked at Hermione, making dear old Hermi groan all the more. She grabbed the pills off the nearest person and gulped them down, turning to Draco.  
  
"Look, I've had these so you will too, now EAT!"  
  
Draco nodded as Hermione stuffed them down his throat. She now turned to her Aunt Emi, who cowered at her niece's ferocious, and scarily lion like gaze.  
  
"Now Aunt Emi, tell me honestly, DO THESE PILLS WORK??"  
  
"Yes, of course . . . honey, they've already been tested, we're just checking that the results are correct, after all, do you really think that we would risk your lives for these tests?" Dr Granger gabbled. 'Yes . . .'  
  
Hermione went over to Professor Flitwick (who looked like he was going to faint soon from the vicious look on Hermione's face) and he immediately used some sort of charm to make Draco and Hermione dressed in swimsuits.  
  
Hermione could feel everyone staring at them, Draco still smiling dozily at her. Inspite of herself, she still held her breath before jumping into the black lake, followed by Draco who did exactly what she did.  
  
Sighs of relief echoed around as soon as everyone was sure that Hermione had really gone. Serena peered over Dr Granger's shoulder, and, sensing that it was now safe, she wiped the sweat from her forehead.  
  
"God, I never knew she had THAT sort of temper!!" Serena cried.  
  
"No, neither did I!!" Dr Granger agreed.  
  
"HA!!!" Ron snorted, "Try being me and Harry for a day!!"  
  
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Hermione opened her eyes, she could see under the water . . . under the murky, disgustingly filthy water. She shuddered.  
  
"You know Hermi, this water is gross, you smart, you know any spellies??"  
  
Draco was even grinning underwater. Oh how she preferred grumpy old Draco than little Draco with no sense whatsoever. Why did the pills enable you to talk underwater as well as breathe?? Couldn't they just shut you up?  
  
She sighed and looked around, what she needed now was to find that golden orb, so she could get the hell out of here. Maybe the merpeople would know . . . ah, but then again, SHE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SPEAK MER-THINGY. There's a problem . . .  
  
"Hermi, what that?"  
  
Hermione looked in the direction Draco had been pointing to. There, in a cluster of what seemed to be seaweed, was a glowing golden orb, THE glowing golden orb that they needed.  
  
She grinned and began to swim downwards towards the seaweed. Maybe little Draco wasn't so bad after all, sure, he was even more obnoxious, spoilt, annoying and down right pathetic, than big Draco, but she figured with a bit of suffocating, drowning and the always healthy strangling, he would soon learn.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
"What? What is it? Are you drowning?"  
  
Draco shook his head as he gulped, a terrified expression sprawled on his place. Hermione sighed, 'Damn'  
  
"ITS, ITS, IT'S THE REVENGE OF THE SEAWEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!" He shrieked, hiding behind Hermione, or, trying to hide behind Hermione. As their hands were tied together, it only resulted in him going round, and round and round in circles, over and over again.  
  
"GAH . . . STOP . . . STOP!!!!!"  
  
Draco stopped and began to wail loudly, bogie beginning to drip down from his nose. "I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY I MADE YOU DIZZY HERMI!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! I REALLY LIKE YOU HERMI, I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!"  
  
"That's okay, just shut the hell up!!! Anyway, back to the point . . . you're scared of seaweed? Stupid, green, sloppy, edible, bogie-like seaweed??"  
  
"Yes . . ." Draco whimpered, sniffing then spluttering as he had just sniffed in a whole lot of water.  
  
"Oh clever!! How are we supposed to get that golden orb then?"  
  
"I have an idea, hows abouts we head butt it?"  
  
"Head butt it?"  
  
"Yes, head butt it."  
  
"HEAD BUTT IT?"  
  
"YES!! HEAD BUTT IT!!!"  
  
Slowly, Hermione nodded.  
  
"You head butt it Hermi, you got a bigger head."  
  
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The experiments were finally over for the day, Big Draco was back, and the sun was slowly setting. All 7th years were sat on separate picnic benches on the Hogwarts quidditch pitch, all eating and chatting cheerfully . . . until Dr Granger silenced them all by wanting to announce something.  
  
"Hello children! Now that was fun was it not? I know it was! Could all pairs who managed to retrieve the golden orb from the water please stand by Professor Flitwick for their prize!! The prize being any wish they want!"  
  
Dr Granger drifted off as practically everyone ran towards tiny Mr Flitwick, making him scream in terror (think giant mob of angry lawyers running to sue you cus you said you owned Harry Potter . . .)  
  
Hermione and Draco were not first in line. They were last, but by the time they got there, they had decided whose wish this would be by a series of rock, paper, scissors. Draco won.  
  
"Now Mr Malfoy, do you wish me to rid you of that horrendous afro?"  
  
Up until now, Draco had actually forgotten about his afro. Remembering it all didn't exactly make him feel peachy.  
  
"No actually, and thank you SOOO much for reminding me that I had AN AFRO IN THE FIRST PLACE. Anyway, what I want is to be rid of my childish half."  
  
"And which half may that be Mr Malfoy?"  
  
"THE FOUR YEAR OLD HALF OF COURSE."  
  
"Oh yes . . . of course . . .I'll try my best Mr Malfoy, but I only know charms, and not miracles . . ."  
  
Professor Flitwick gave a flick, a swish and a tweak before Draco rose in the air, glowing purple. He prayed that he wouldn't become another Hermione . . . as Hermione watched from the safety of the floor, she saw Draco become two blobs of purple things. One of them landed back on the floor and stopped glowing.  
  
"Whoa, that was ONE HELL OF A ride!!" Draco steadied himself, trying to walk without being dizzy . . . and then walking into a tree. Meanwhile, Hermione was still staring at the other blob of purple light. It slowly lowered itself onto the floor, and out popped . . . a small child with platinum blonde hair, blue eyes, and looking about four years old. He looked around for a minute before blinking and staring straight at Hermione.  
  
"HERMI!!!" Little Draco pounced on Hermione and hugged her tightly, "You're a lot taller than you used to be you know."  
  
"YOU STUPID LITTLE MAN!! I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF HIM, NOT SEPARATE HIM FROM ME YOU ARSE!!"  
  
"Language now Malfoy! We have a child on the premises!"  
  
"Shut up Granger, now please explain to me Mr nice Flitwick -  
  
"I'm sorry Mr Malfoy, but that's the best I can do. I'm afraid you'll just have to deal with it!!"  
  
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Evening was upon the students of Hogwarts, and all everyone wanted to do was have a nice early night and dream of dreams in peace and harmony . . . shame there was no such thing as peace and harmony in Hermione's world.  
  
Hermione was in her room reading Hogwarts: A History, whilst Big Draco was trying to get some sleep. Professor Flitwick and Dr Granger had decided that Little Draco would have to stay with Hermione and Draco, seeing as he wouldn't let go of her hair. Little Draco was now bouncing on Draco's bed, occasionally treading on Draco's head just for some sort of effect.  
  
"PLAY WID ME!!!!!!!"  
  
"No."  
  
"PLAY WID ME!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Fine then . . . . DADDY!!!"  
  
"I'M NOT YOUR BLIMMIN' DAD."  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"YES YOU ARE!"  
  
"Whose mummy then?"  
  
"HERMI MUMMY!!!!!!"  
  
Draco (Big Draco I will refer to as Draco, little Draco = Little Draco) shot up as Little Draco skipped over to Hermione, and began to drag her along the floor towards him.  
  
"MUMMY KISS DADDY!!! DADDY KISS MUMMY!!!"  
  
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!"  
  
"YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!!!"  
  
"I AM NOT KISSING HER!!"  
  
"Yes you are!"  
  
"No I'm not!"  
  
"YES YOU ARE!"  
  
"NO I'M NOT!"  
  
"MUMMY AND DADDY SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, FIRST COMES LOVE, THEN COMES MARRIAGE, THEN COMES ME IN A BABY CARRIAGE!!!"  
  
"YOU ANNOYING, BRATTY, LITTLE -  
  
"Er Malfoy, you do realise you're insulting yourself?"  
  
"AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
"Daddy, da, da, da, da, da, da, ooohhhhhh mummy, mummy, da, da, da, da, da, da, you are IN LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!"  
  
"WE ARE NOT!"  
  
"You will be daddy, teehee, see, you're going to sleep in same beddy! Me sleep in Mummy's beddy, you sleep in that beddy!!! BYEEEEEEE!!"  
  
Little Draco hurriedly scurried away towards Hermione's bed. He spread himself out onto it, making sure he took up all the room, then began to snore loudly.  
  
Hermione and Draco watched him, she groaned, this was going to be one hell of a night . . .  
  
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$  
  
So yeah, this was kind of forced, but I needed to try and get this up . . . please review! Once again, suggestions for experiments are still very welcome; I actually need some, because my own brain has kind of malfunctioned. Anyway, please review to tell me what you thought!!!  
  
~ RUPERT SO TOTALLY ROCKS!!  
  
~Me person.  
  
PS. Incase anyone is wondering, I AM DEFINITELY KEEPING LITTLE DRACO HERE FOR A WHILE YET!! He is to play a very important part in this fic (for the romance, hint, hint) and he might even be here until the END of this fic!!  
  
PPS. Hey dudes, just to say IT SNOWED TODAY!!! IT FINALLY SNOWED!!! 


	11. In the night

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
I OWE ONE OF MY BESTEST BUDDYS A FAVOUR FOR HELPING ME WITH THIS CHAPTER!! HUGZ! NOW THANK YOU TO:  
  
*Paprika90 ~ Lol, thank you, thank you!! I'll try to keep the humour up, but if I fail I'll be asking for a beta reader soon (when I find out what one is)!!!! I really hope you enjoy this chapter, and review it afterwards!!  
  
*Some12 ~ Yay! I think Little Draco is so cute too! Which is why I've decided to make him stick around for a bit, you know, as a little matchmaker . . . hehehe, anyway, he reminds you of your cousin? That would be so cool! Having a real life Little Draco about . . . wah, all my snow has melted now, even my lovely snowman . . . oh well, I'll just have to wait a few more years I guess. Thanks for the review! And the suggestion (wink, wink)!!!  
  
*LythTaeraneth ~ Thanks for reviewing! And I'm so happy you finally understand!! I know how confusing I can be, but I'm not as happy that fanfic.net haven't made that linky thing work, everyone is noticing that now and I'm getting frustrated! ITS ONLY ME! Lol, anyway, I put a little note at the bottom to tell people, so hopefully it'll be okay.  
  
*Happigolucki616 ~ I know! I was so happy that it FINALLY snowed! I mean, it never snows here! Which was why I was happy I guess . . . okay, now I'm confused. Lol, anyway, thanks for reviewing this and the other fic, I really appreciate it!  
  
*Burgundyred ~ Aw man, I LOVE YOU!! Okay, don't take that too seriously . . . its just that the review you sent was so detailed and well, detailed, and YOU GOT THE EXACT POINT OF EVERYTHING!! Like the fact that Hermione = vicious, Draco = vicious, Hermione and Draco squared = romance! Everyone else just got confused! Lol, dude, you are the best! Thanks for reviewing, being a really good reviewer and being so detailed!  
  
*Chrispie ~ Lol, aw thanks! I like him too, which is why he's sticking around I guess! Here's the update, I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far and please review if you can be bothered!!! Lol.  
  
*Tammy ~ When you say if I don't review soon, you mean if I don't update soon right? Lol, I got kind of confused about that, lol, anyways, here's the update, really hope you don't die . . .  
  
*Rupy ~ Dude, I'm happy that you're happy about my decision with Little Draco, he NEEDS to be there for . . . well, you'll have to wait and see! ^.~ Thanks for reviewing!  
  
*Anonymous ~ Thanks so much for reviewing! I don't really mind what you say in your reviews, the main thing is that you bothered to review and that makes me so happy!! Thanks again!  
  
*Eventuality ~ Hey, I did email you about that author alert thing right? God, I hope so! Lol, if I didn't then I meant to! You're not the only one that's complained about the author alert thing, so I put a note at the bottom, just to maybe explain the situation more to those who didn't bother to ask about it! Thanks for the review!  
  
*Fluff ~ Aw, thanks! I was hoping you'd mention something about The Bachelor! UPDATE SOON PLEASE!! Lol, I really do like it, and I'm hoping to see more romance (as most people are in this fic too . . .) as soon as you can possibly have it! Oh and thanks for reviewing!!  
  
*Lor ~ Thanks so much for reviewing!! It would be nice to have suggestions, but to be honest, I don't really mind that much!! The main thing is that you bothered in the first place!!! Thanks again, and I really hope you continue to enjoy this fic!!  
  
*Harryforeva ~ I hope it wasn't so weird that you didn't enjoy it . . . and what can I say? A weird person writes some weird stuff . . .  
  
*TOM-FELTON-IS-SEXY ~ Lol, thank you Candy Cane and Peanut, how nice of you to review and say such nice things!! Gosh, I sound posh now . lol, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well, and review afterwards!!!  
  
*Klee_babe ~ Thank you for the review!! I was wondering where you went the other day actually, you can imagine my happiness when you reviewed this!! :D Thanks again, so much! Here's the next chapter, enjoy!  
  
*luza ~ I'm glad you found it funny! I try my hardest, but I never know whether it's actually very funny, basically cus' I wrote it and the author's opinion on his/her own story doesn't count for ANYTHING in my world, lol, but then again, my world is strange . . .  
  
*Loah ~ Thanks, I hope you'll like this chapter more than the last one.  
  
*weasleyisourking ~ WHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!! LOVE YOU'RE NAME!!! Lol, sorry, couldn't resist that! The painting isn't of any significance, no, I just put that in for no reason whatsoever!! Lol, you can decide if there's any sarcasm in that or not!! I hope you enjoy the rest of the fic if you get round to reading it!  
  
*Pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ Thank you, thank you!! I love Little Draco too, he's sticking by for a while . . .  
  
*Gina ~ Lol, wow, that's very nice of you to say so! I know there aren't many good D/Hr romance and humour fics, but I'm flattered that this fic can go in the good section!! I recommend 'Saving Prefect Granger' By Harmonic Friction. It's REALLY good!!  
  
*NightxXxshade ~ Well if you read on, you'll find out when Draco will lose that afro of his!! Lol, thanks for reviewing, please continue to do so!!  
  
'= Thoughts, "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS  
  
CHAPTER TWELVE: In the night  
  
DISCLAIMER: Yep, here it is again! Again I say, I own nothing! NOTHING I TELL YOU! Now is the message across . . .? Maybe yes, but I'm going to put a disclaimer up in the next chapter anyway, just for the sake of it. Okay, I've asked a hell of a load of questions already, must get on with this . . .  
  
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$  
  
Hermione couldn't believe it. She, the great Hermione Granger, was sleeping, yes, SLEEPING, in the same bed, as a ferret. And not just any ferret, the blonde ferret that was Malfoy. Right now he was in the bathroom, doing god knows what. He had been in there for at least half an hour and the entire room was now silent, apart from the odd snort from Little Draco. Hermione had the urge to go up to Little Draco and start prodding him, but no, that would be mean . . .  
  
Anyway, Hermione yawned and stretched. Malfoy's bed was in no way as comfortable as hers, that was for sure. I mean, come on! She might as well have been lying on Malfoy . . . actually no . . . ew.  
  
She heard the bathroom door open, and being nosey little her, she turned her head to see . . . a big fat sumo wrestler!! Actually, it was just Draco, wrapped up in thousands of towels like an Egyptian mummy.  
  
Hermione looked horrified, as he wadded towards the bed, and thumped down on it, trying desperately hard not to let any of the towels unwrap. He let out a sigh of relief, finally managing to make himself SIT on the bed, then he realised all too late that he was sitting on the duvet cover.  
  
"Ugh . . . ugh . . . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
No matter how hard Draco tugged, he just couldn't get the cover over him. He peered through the little gap that he'd given himself and realised all too late that he had been pulling onto Hermione's shirt . . . so that was why he couldn't get it over him . . .  
  
"DAMN YOU DUVET COVER!! I HATE YOU!!!" And Draco began beating the hell out of the duvet cover.  
  
Hermione meanwhile tugged uselessly at his mass of towels. "Malfoy, you realise that those towels make you look even fatter than you already are."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco screamed and began ripping as many towels off him as he could, resulting in an enormous pile of at least fifty fluffy white towels. He stood for a moment, a frown on his face as he realised something was amiss . . . ah!!! Maybe it was the fact that now he was standing looking dopey and dressed only in his boxers.  
  
"OH DAMN THIS STUPID PLAN!! WHY IS EVERYTHING GOING WRONG??????"  
  
Draco stomped around in a frenzy, as Hermione sat and watched. Why he wanted to be wrapped in thousands of fluffy towels in the middle of the night when the central heating was on was a mystery to her, a real mystery.  
  
Draco jumped into the bed, covering himself in the duvet and sitting up, staring in front of him in blank nothingness as he clapped however many time it was, making the lights turn off. It was then that Hermione realised that Draco's afro had disappeared, maybe he'd used some sort of expensive gel? Nah, probably just super glue.  
  
Little Draco's phoney snores echoed once again. Draco plonked into bed and tried to hide the fact that he was still pissed off about the fact that his sumo mummy plan had failed.  
  
"Granger . . . why aren't you sleeping?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Granger?"  
  
. . . . . . .  
  
"GRANGER????"  
  
"Shut up, little Draco's fake snoring."  
  
"Answer me."  
  
" . . . . .. You're going to rape me."  
  
"I'm not going to rape you."  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"Yes you are and Malfoy, don't you dare choke when I'm talking to you!!!!"  
  
Draco had indeed begun to choke, as he could now feel a heavy, little, weight stuck on his perfectly gelled hair. Hermione frowned. Did he really need to gel his hair back for sleeping? Obviously the answer was yes as he had his hair gelled back NOW. Duh, that was a stupid question . . .  
  
Hermione prodded Little Draco and yawned, "Get off him little Draco, he might need to breathe."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione continued to prod, and yawn, "Go on, I know he should suffocate, but there's no need to let him die with his hair wrecked."  
  
"I could gel it back afterwards!"  
  
Hermione stopped prodding, "Okay then, thanks Little Draco."  
  
"MMMMM, MMMM, MMM, MMMM, MMMMM . . . . . . . MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco's muffled screams could just be heard but Hermione didn't feel like acknowledging them. She yawned and was about to sleep when Little Draco prodded her continuously in the head and demanded her attention.  
  
"What is it? Is the Draco you're sitting on dead yet?"  
  
"No, I fink he found a air hole in the bed cover, but I was wondering mummy -  
  
"I AM NOT MUMMY."  
  
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!"  
  
"Okay!!!! MUMMY I WANNA PLAY RAPE!"  
  
Hermione looked horrified, and she was sure Draco did too, even if his head was stuck in a bed. She picked Little Draco up and placed him on her lap so that Draco could finally breathe. She regretted it immediately when he looked like a mad lunatic with weird hair. She tried to escape by turning back to Little D.  
  
"You can't play rape Little Draco."  
  
"YEAH I CAN!! I HEARD YOU TALKING ABOUT IT!! TELL ME HOW TO PLAY IT, TELL ME HOW TO PLAY IT, TELL ME HOW TO PLAY IT, TELL ME HOW TO PLAY IT, TELL ME HOW TO PLAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Rape is a very serious matter Draco, it is not to be played with."  
  
"WELL I WANNA PLAY IT SO PLAY WITH ME!!!"  
  
"You copycat version of 'moi', you can't PLAY rape, you either GET raped, or RAPE SOMEONE, which I don't recommend you do by the way, might get you into a little bit of bother, especially with the ladies . . ." Draco advised his counter part.  
  
"Ooooh, okay!! So I'll rape you, you rape mummy, and mummy will rape me!!!" Little Draco began to bounce on their four-poster, occasionally treading on the odd body part.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!"  
  
"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS, or I'm not going to leave you alone until you play it with me!!!!!!"  
  
"Okay . . ." Hermione stated slowly. Draco nudged her hard in the ribs.  
  
"What are you on about Granger? I know how much you would like me to . . . FEEL you, but might I say, I AM NOT DOING IT!"  
  
"Shut up Malfoy! . . . Big Draco here knows nothing, so listen to me, I'll tell you how to play rape, IF and only IF, you go to sleep straight afterwards."  
  
"OKEEEEEEEEEEY!!!"  
  
"Well, you jump from the roof of bed of me and 'daddy's' bed over and over again, then hang out of the window for ten seconds, fly back in, do a rolly polley, dance like a chicken, change to a monkey, then plop to bed and sleep."  
  
Draco snorted, "Like he's gonna do that . . ."  
  
Little Draco meanwhile played 'rape', "WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
He plopped to bed and snored again.  
  
Draco and Hermione watched him. Hermione was not going to fall asleep that easily, especially if she thought Draco might DO something to her (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, hehe).  
  
"Why is he so bratty?"  
  
"Because he's you Malfoy."  
  
"POOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
Hermione and Draco stopped whispering at once. Little Draco rolled over and drooled onto his face. They watched him steadily . . .  
  
"Mmm . . . mummy and daddy LOOOOOOOOOVE each other!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione looked horrified, as did Draco. They tried to edge further away from each other, only resulting in both of them falling off the bed, BUT because the duvet cover was wrapped round both of them (it's a very big cover in case you haven't gathered), and the bed was high, they were now both dangling off the edge of the bed.  
  
They wriggled (and giggled, no only kiddin' ya, hehe) but stopped when Little Draco began mumbling. Was he going to comment on the 'rape'? Or the 'love'?  
  
"Mmmm . . . . coconuts."  
  
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Hehe, yeah, I know it is kind of short compared to the others, but I wanted a chapter all about THE NIGHT HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA, god I wish I was truly evil, you know, like Dr Evil in Austin Powers, hehehehehe . . . . Oh yeah, please review!  
  
~Love,  
  
~Me  
  
PS. IMPORTANT: Okay, for all those people who have me on author alert, I HAVE NOT PUT UP CHAPTER 12! This is chapter twelve cus I put two in one a while back. On fanfic.net, it will show up as chapter 11. In the author alert, all you gotta do is take one from the chapter it says, so if its:  
  
&chapter=12  
  
Really its:  
  
&chapter=11  
  
Thanks, bye!  
  
PPS. Okay, I'll say it now before anybody gets hurt because I didn't mention it. These chapters, all of these chapters, I cannot fully take credit for. It is because of you wonderful reviewers, yes, YOU, that help to piece this thing together, although I do claim this as my overall idea! I thank you SOOOOOOOO much for suggesting! And if they have been used, I thank you SOOOOOOOOOO much as well!!! All suggestions are still welcome, as you all know!  
  
PPPS. Next chapter may take even longer than the time it took to put this up. Sorry! Oh, and I MAY be offering a place for one of you, my beloved readers, to be my beta reader. MAY. 


	12. Little people with little brain

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
THANK YOU THANK YOU OH SO MUCH TO:  
  
~ Pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ Don't worry, once I start reading something a reader asks me to read, its not often that I suddenly stop!! Thanks for reviewing, I really hope you enjoy this chapter!!!  
  
~Slytherin-Gryffindor gal ~ Lol, yeah, I know its strange . . . and confusing . . . not to mention uncontrollably hyper, but nevermind!! If you look past all that it's a good story . . . I think . . . oh look, I'm confused again . . . you can tell that happens a lot can't you? Lol, thanks for reviewing, hope you like this chapter!  
  
~ Loah ~ Thank you for reviewing, hey, tell me the truth here, are you enjoying this? Or do you just review for the sake of it?  
  
~ siriusforeva ~ Hehe, I don't know!!! Most things in this fic are random, that includes, Dracula, coconuts, and any other strange thingamabob that happens all of sudden!!! I hope you can look past all the randomness, and maybe even laugh at it, that is the point of this fic . . . I guess . . .  
  
~ LythTaeraneth ~ Thank you!!! I am so looking forward to when you update LiMM, it's going to be so totally cool!!! YAY!!!! I'm not actually having that good a life right now either . . . but reviews make me so hyper it's hard not to rant!!! YIPPEE!! Lol, I think I was on about paper towels but my mate was the one who was on about wrapping Draco in them . . . I'm so glad you use your imagination with this fic to get mental images, some people don't so its not all that fun!!! BUT YOU DO! YAY!  
  
~ Tears-That-Fall ~ Lol, I'm not keen on coconuts, but you never know . . . thanks for reviewing this!  
  
~ Eventuality ~ Hehehehehe, thanks for the review, mwhahahahahahahhahahahaha to you too!!  
  
~ Anonymous ~ AW!! I think so too!!! Hehe, I think it's obvious that I think so too, but there's no harm in saying things more than once . . . or more than twice for that matter . . .  
  
~ Klee_babe ~ Aye, aye, thank you very much my beloved reviewer!!! You're so nice!! I hope you enjoy this chapter even more than the others, I PRAY that you will!! Lol, thanks again!  
  
~ Some12 ~ Thanks!! All the snow here has melted, but that's no surprise, yet its still flipping freezing . . . sorry, it just gets so annoying, it's not even funny! Argh!! Lol, anyway, I adore little Draco, and now you've got me wanting to meet your cousin . . .  
  
~ Happigolucki ~ I thank you so much for reviewing . . . even if that does sound rather posh, and so does this but nevermind!! I love mini Draco, mini Draco so totally rules man!! Lol, thanks again for the review, talk to you soon!  
  
~ Burgundyred ~ OH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! You know, you're the only one who said that they 'might' be my beta reader . . . to be honest though, I don't know if I am going to have a beta reader, so it's a good thing you said MIGHT. Hehe . . . it doesn't really matter that you didn't go into detail, although it is nice!! Lol thanks again, I ADORE YOUR REVIEWS!!! :D  
  
~ Rupy ~ Thanks for reviewing!!! Sorry if this took really long!! I AM SO BLOCKING!!!! Lol  
  
~ Black-unicorn13 ~ Aw, thank you! For reviewing, and also for putting this fic on your favourite author list already!! That is so nice for you!! I really hope you continue to read and review this fic!! It would make me feel so happy (and flattered)!!!  
  
~ Fluff ~ Hehe, yeah, Little Draco is VERY crazy, he's there for match making, and maybe for all of you to understand why on earth Draco turned out so . . . as you put it, disturbed. Yeah . . . I wouldn't want to see a mini version of me (basically cus I can remember what I was like when I was small, and believe me, BIG PAIN IN THE BUTTOCKS). Lol, thanks for reviewing, and for updating, but I really do hope you update soon now!!  
  
~Natyslacks ~ Really? Oh my god! That guy must be getting lots of girl then huh? Lol ^.~ Anyways, thanks for the review, it would be so cool if you could read and review this one too!!! Lol, thanks.  
  
~ChIcKa ~ Hey I hope I spelt your screen name right! Thanks for the review, I should have emailed you about this update, I am so sorry if I haven't . . . oh and if you could do me a favour too . . . when I've emailed you telling you about this update, could you please just email me back and tell me you got the email? Please? Thanks  
  
~Smileyface1314 ~ Hey thanks for reviewing my stuff on fictionpress too!! Your one great mate! Lol, and yeah, I know its confusing, what can I say? I'm a very confusing person.  
  
'=Thoughts "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Little people with little brain  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, I am ranting to try and make this at least two lines long, hehe, this is working . . . maybe I should just fill the entire space with dots? Or ec . . . thingys! I don't know, please let this be two lines at least!! Oh yeah, and Bloomsbury kind of have permission to use  
  
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Hermione always did the daily routines in sleep mode, you know, the stretch, the yawn, and of course, the roll over. She stretched, she yawned, and she rolled over, making an 'oof' next to her.  
  
"Groan . . ."  
  
Hermione continued to sleep. Like she cared if she was late for any stupid experiments, or if she was now half lying on something lumpy on her bed. She was way too tired to care about anything right now.  
  
"Groan . . ."  
  
She snuggled into the 'lumpy' thing more. It seemed comfy, and warm, so she didn't see why not. She yawned again and wrapped her arms around her lumpy thing. It felt slightly like a pillow, except much bigger, and maybe in more of a . . . awkward shape.  
  
"GROAN . . ."  
  
She prodded the 'lump' and hit it to try and fluffen it up slightly. Lumpy pillows are NO good.  
  
"GROAN . . . GROAN . . . . GRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAN . . ."  
  
Hermione stiffened. If this was her bed, and she was sure that SHE wasn't groaning like that . . . then what was it? Could it be some sort of ghost that she had never met that needed to be comforted, or was it just some sort of demented cat? She took a deep breath and slowly, ever so slowly, opened her eyes.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione took a deep, deep breath and waited for some reaction from her enemy. But none came. She frowned. Ah . . . now she remembered. Little Draco, playing rape, sleeping with the enemy . . . speaking of little Draco . . .  
  
"MUMMY!!!!!!!!!"  
  
He jumped onto Hermione and hugged her tightly, clinging onto her like one of those really annoying leeches, haha, blood sucking!  
  
"Little Draco, shush, you'll wake big prat up."  
  
"He won't wake up, he's deaf!!!"  
  
"No he's not Little D, its nasty to say stuff like that."  
  
"BUT HE IS!!!!! HE PUT A CHARM ON HIMSELF SAYING THAT 'I AM NOW DEAF!!!' I HEARD HIM, I HEARD HIM, I HEARD HIM, I HEARD HIM!!!!!! I AM NOT LYING, DON'T YOU TELL ME I'M LYING BECAUSE I'M NOT!!"  
  
"I never said you were lying."  
  
"Yeah you did! You said to me that I was lying and you would spank me if I said that daddy was deaf!!"  
  
"No I didn't."  
  
"Actually, YOU'RE STICKING UP FOR DADDY!!! THAT'S OKAY THEN!!!!! MUMMY LOOOOOOOOOOVES DADDY!! HEHE."  
  
"Groan . . ."  
  
Little D and Hermione stopped. Draco shifted and rolled over towards Hermione, (hehe, part of the waking process) swinging his arm with him so that his arm was now around her waist. Hermione blushed crimson and tried to ignore the stupid grin plastered on Little Draco's face.  
  
"Don't worry mummy, I'm sure if you asked him to daddy would still put his arm around your waisty!! I'll wake him and ask!!"  
  
Little Draco put his mouth right next to Draco's ear and screamed like a little girly. He waited. It didn't work. Hmm . . . .  
  
"Little Draco, I have an idea, okay, after three, I'll poke his hair, you'll poke his arm. One, two, three!"  
  
The two prodded and prodded as Draco groaned and held Hermione tighter. Slowly, his eyes edged open. He took something out of his ears, squinted at his arm, quickly withdrew it and then grimaced at it.  
  
"Oh clever Granger, I have mudblood germs now!!"  
  
Draco thought they did not hear him as they continued poking. He tried desperately to slap the hands away.  
  
"AH!!! TOO MANY HANDS!!!"  
  
They continued poking.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! STOP IT!!!"  
  
They continued poking.  
  
"I SAID STOP IT!!!!"  
  
Little Draco stopped and grinned at Draco. He looked around at nothing in particular while Hermione continued to prod at his head. Draco stared and let her poke him, waiting for her to stop . . . . . . . . waiting . . . . . . ... . . . . waiting . . . . . . . . . . . waiting. She didn't stop. He got mad.  
  
"Granger you are the most annoying person on earth!!! I SWEAR I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ONE DAY!! AHH!!!"  
  
"Why thank you."  
  
Draco caught hold of her hands, and made her look him in the eye.  
  
"Granger, first you annoy me with your countless snoring, and now THIS! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?????"  
  
"I was not snoring!!"  
  
"Yah-huh."  
  
"Nah-huh."  
  
"Yah-huh."  
  
"NAH-HUH."  
  
"Yeah??? Well how do you explain me having ear plugs in my ears?"  
  
Hermione shrugged. Wasn't her fault Malfoy was deaf but was too thick to admit it.  
  
"I dunno, some kind of new fashion trend?"  
  
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". . . So you see Hermione dearest, Mr Malfoy, Little Draco, as you've named him will have playmates now! Seeing as a certain Professor has found something that will make a child . . . it's all very complicated and even harder to explain. Basically all other pairs will have little ones too – and no, not naturally Hermione, don't look at me like that."  
  
Dr Granger was just explaining what today's experiment would be, but somehow she had gotten side tracked and was now talking to Hermione and Draco, well, actually mostly just Hermione. Little Draco was fiddling with some bit of material that looked suspiciously like something from Draco's (clean – thank God) underwear.  
  
"So, without further ado, I present to you, the little ones!!!"  
  
Some odd door behind Dr Granger opened and lots of little kids with numbers written in black marker on their foreheads ran out. They all rushed to their individual couples.  
  
"Ooh, daddy, does this mean that I have friends now?"  
  
"Before you answer that Malfoy, keep in mind that my Aunt said that we have to go with whatever he says otherwise you're childhood will be ruined and when he forms with you again your brain will be demented . . . actually . . . errr, my Aunt said that . . . err, he needs to be mentally tortured, yes . . . that's it . . ."  
  
'I wonder when I got so crap at lying . . .' she thought as Draco sighed and patted her on the head like some sort of beaver.  
  
"Granger, get some lessons, I hear Snape does great lying lessons, all you got to do is start with the basics – making up something BELIEVABLE, duh!!"  
  
"Hey mummy! Daddy! OVER HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"  
  
Little Draco ran up to them with two people trailing behind. One with bright ginger hair, and one with jet-black hair.  
  
"This is Ron Jr. and this is Harry Jr! They're COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!! Like you daddy!!"  
  
Hermione snorted, "Yeah, cool . . ."  
  
"Granger, why do you always have to dis me so? Call me Draco and we shall try to be civil."  
  
"No."  
  
"That was an order. You cannot disagree."  
  
"I just did, duh!"  
  
". . . Shut up!"  
  
"You shut up!"  
  
"You shut up!"  
  
"GAH!!!!"  
  
"Same to you!"  
  
"GGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"  
  
"Yay, you're choking!"  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"Damn."  
  
"You'll never guess what MY daddy does! He's funny, everyone thinks so, AND he's going to play for the Chudley Cannons when he's out of schooooooool!!!!" Ron Jr. squealed delightedly (and rather girlishly, but nevermind . . .)  
  
"Well MY daddy is going to defeat the Dark Lordy AND save the whole entire world!!!" Harry Jr. shouted, his nose stuck up like a snob (not that I'm saying he is . . . dumdeedumdeedum . . .)  
  
"Well," Little Draco said, "MY mummy and daddy LOOOOOOOOOVE EACH OTHER!!!!!"  
  
The whole room was silent. Hermione and Draco both put their hands over Little Draco's mouth, then realising that their hands were actually touching, they both screamed and blushed before groaning and thinking exactly the same thing, 'WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME??????'  
  
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So, as the little peeps were now the main experiment (Hermione deeply suspected that her Aunt just wanted to see how much they could take before they all went mental and started chucking bananas) it was now time for the warm up. Her Aunt Emi, as always, had said that it would be 'fun', and for once . . . Hermione actually agreed with her. Today was 'girl's day' and every girl could have a treat, any treat, hehe . . .  
  
"Malfoy, I mean, Draco, stay still!"  
  
'Draco' was due to Little Draco's confusion, seeing as he thought 'mummy' was married to 'daddy' and therefore would be a Malfoy too. As for Draco calling Hermione 'Granger', Little Draco was convinced 'Granger' was some kind of fruit.  
  
"OW! You're the one that's sticking bloody pins in me!"  
  
"No I'm not!"  
  
"Yes you are! OW! There you go again!"  
  
"Oh sorry, that one was a mistake."  
  
"What about the other four-hundred and eighty-two times then?"  
  
"Shut up, I'm doing your head."  
  
Hermione had always wanted to do something that would badly embarrass our dear Draco, without him killing her of course, and now, FINALLY, she had her chance! And the embarrassment? Taking pictures of Draco dressed as a woman. Or as Hermione called it, getting in touch with his 'feminine' side.  
  
"Mummy, when should I use Mr Creepy dudes camera?"  
  
Little Draco was referring to the camera Draco had managed to scab off Colin Creevey. Now, Colin treated his camera like God, actually, he treated Harry like God, or just someone to stalk, but his camera was almost as important. You may remember Draco having a pathetic book by the title of 'Ten ways to scare stupid muggles, hundredth edition!' Well, I am reasonably sure that Colin is no muggle-born, BUT alas, he is stupid.  
  
The number seventh way to scare stupid muggles was dress up as a clown. Draco, being the clever thing he was, got Little Draco to dress up as a clown and scared the life out of Colin. Meanwhile, they snagged his camera.  
  
"Now Granger, I mean, HERMIONE, you're going too far! Camera's is a no, no! You shouldn't be teaching such things to such young children!!!!"  
  
"Oh but Draco, don't you want everyone to see the LOVELY outfit I'm making for you?"  
  
"IT'S A DRESS."  
  
And indeed it was. Hermione stuck another pin in and stepped back, taking a good long look. She had glued Draco to the floor, taken his wand, and bought some lovely blue material with daisies on, using his money. Not to mention about a dozen books as well. Well it was HIS money!  
  
"But Draco dear, it shows your lovely legs! Why don't you show some cleavage for once?"  
  
"I swear, HERMIONE – God I hate your name even more than I hate you – if I weren't glued to the floor I would smack you."  
  
"Um Draco! Hitting a girl means you're a wimp! Same applies to disabled people and people wearing glasses."  
  
"I know, why'd you think I always hit Weasley and not Potter? OW!"  
  
Hermione continued to stick pins in non-necessary places, feeling all the more relaxed with every 'OW!' she heard.  
  
"Mummy, I already took five photos, but they all look the same! I mean, the dressy looks really nice on daddy, could you make me one? BUT I WANT GREEEEEEEEEN!!"  
  
"Of course Little D! I'd love to."  
  
"YAY!" Little Draco ran to the other side of Draco, where his face was. "Now daddy, scowl for me! Yeah baby! Yeah!"  
  
Hermione sighed. 'Note to self: Never show a four-year-old Austin Powers.'  
  
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Yeah, maybe it's kind of short. Sorry about that, but REVIEW ALL THE SAME AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THE SHORTNESS! PLEEEEEASE!! THANKS! Anyway, hope you all enjoyed it, it was a pain to write I'm telling you, not that I'm sick of it! NO! Its just that it was kind of all from the back of the brain so don't blame me if it was all crap . . .  
  
PS. Next chapter may take even longer than this one . . . so sorry about that. 


	13. Evil Colin

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
'=thoughts "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
THANKS A BUNCH OF BANANAS TO THE FOLLOWING:  
  
~ Harmonic Friction ~ Chapter two is 'inappropriate' huh? How very, very interesting . . . lol, thanks for reviewing, or even bothering to try and read this! HUGS DUDE!! AND THANKS TOO!!!  
  
~ Burgundyred ~ First thanks for reviewing, second, hehe, I do love chaos, makes the world more adventurous and funny, no? And little kids are so cute, I didn't think it would be fair to everyone else if they couldn't have little nightmares running around the house like maniacs . . . the reason why Draco was wearing a dress was because Dr Granger was trying to make everything fun for Hermi, therefore having a girly day where girls can do whatever they want! Now for some disappointment in me . . . WHY??? WHY OH WHY ARE YOU NOT UPDATING DELUSION? It's not my all time favourite out of all your fics, the post Hogwarts one is, but PLEASE, please update soon, you have no idea how much that would mean to me.  
  
~ Milocachica ~ Lol, thanks! For reviewing this, and also for reading my ficcys! I'm so happy! Anyways, I like little D too, he's so . . . nice and funny to write about, so I hope that he is the same to read about too! Here's the next chapter, hope you enjoy it!!  
  
~ LythTaeraneth ~ Okay, thanks, I wasn't exactly sure whether they were muggle-born or not, basically because I'm kind of, well . . . not very attentive. Lol, anyways, thanks for reviewing, I hope you like this chapter, but if you're disappointed, you're welcome to give me a few pointers (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) Lol, anyways, thanks again.  
  
~ Natyslacks ~ Thank you for the review! Yeah, I got the idea of having Draco in a dress when I was playing my PS2 game, The Simpsons Hit and Run, I always loved dressing Homer up in either the devil suit, or that little blue dress, hehe . . .  
  
~ Some12 ~ Sorry about the shortness . . . lots of people commented on that too, but considering the fact that I'm still blocking, I reckon it's pretty good. Lol, anyways, I wish I did have enough money to go to America, or maybe Canada, I reckon they're both good. Lol.  
  
~ Smileyface1314 ~ Thanks for reviewing! And yeah, I love Austin Powers too, I haven't watched all the films, but I kind of want to! Thanks again!  
  
~ Loah ~ Okay . . . sorry if I don't pick up the pace, I kind of like things to go slowly, when it's rushed things get really . . . well, BAD. But I guess I kind of have stalled enough for me to go on and take a BIG step forward . . . I'll try to speed stuff up, but it's hard cus' I'm not exactly sure how to bring the romance in, or how to end this thing either.  
  
~ Gina ~ Yes, Draco in a dress! I'm happy you found that funny! Thanks for reviewing, and hopefully enjoying all these thingys I write, lol.  
  
~ Summery-ice ~ Thank you so much for the review, and all the nice comments you said about the chapter, and the fic! Lol, thank you so much, and also I love Little Draco too, and yes, he shall be sticking around for quite a bit.  
  
~ Anonymous ~ little people are real cute, aren't they? I'll try to fit them in somewhere in further chapters, I don't think that there's really any specific parts with them in it . . . but yeah, they are in this chappie! Hehe . . .  
  
~ Paprika90 ~ Lol, thanks so much! I mean, most people would have called it the Austin Powers bit, but I like how you put it in your review – the 'note to self' part, lol. Thanks again!  
  
~Dracoluver2009 ~ Well, the reason it's so short is because I'm a major blockage so it's a surprise I got ANYTHING out within my time limit, hehe . . . sorry about the shortness anyway, I just hoped you enjoyed it, and you weren't disappointed . . .  
  
~ Princess Faye ~ Hey, nice name, and thanks, for reviewing and the 'good'. Lol  
  
~ Fluff ~ Thanks for reviewing dude, lol, yay! I'd love it if you could update ASAP, and anyways, I love the craziness of this chapter . . . writing it anyways! Hehe . . . it does say so in the title of this fic, right? Lol, thanks for the specific detail in your review, detail so totally rocks.  
  
~ Strawberry bonbon ~ Hehe, thanks! But really, most of the ideas and things in this fic, are due to the suggestions my loving readers made! Lol, and my mates of course, but yeah, I guess some are mine, SOME. Thanks again!  
  
~ Klee_babe ~ Lol, okay, I get the hint! Here's the next chappie, I hope it's longer than the last . . . HOPE. I'm sorry about the shortness of the last chapter, but major blockages are not something easy to get through. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
~ Angel-dolphin 1 ~ Thank you for reviewing! Thank you very, very much! I hope you read and enjoy AND also, review this chappie, that would be nice.  
  
~ Happigolucki616 ~ Yes . . . the subject of the shortness comes up once again! Lol, anyways, thanks for the review, and what you said in it! HUGZ!!!!!!!! Thank you again! You always review and that's always so nice of you!!!!  
  
~ Pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ Thanks, I thought it was cute-sey too! Even though you just said cute, lol, here's the update, hope you enjoy it! Please review afterwards too!  
  
~ Rupy ~ Hey, out of interest, where did you get the inspiration to call yourself rupy? Just wondering, cus' I really like the sound of that name . . . it has a real nice . . . 'ring', lol, thanks anyways, I'm glad you loved it! Here's the next chappie, enjoy!  
  
~ Princess Faye ~ Thanks! Lol, I'm glad you think so (not to mention extremely happy, but I'll skip that)  
  
~ Cereza ~ Heheheheheheh, I don't think I really should be telling you anything, but yes, he does get Draco and Hermione into very difficult . . . events, as you shall see in this chappie. Hahahahahaha, I feel truly evil and inspirational, hopefully that means I shall be writing more! I'm trying to get more romance between Draco and Hermi, but also trying to get everyone to laugh – trust me, not an easy job, lol.  
  
~ Tears-That-Fall ~ Thank you for the review! Did you actually enjoy chappie eleven then?  
  
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Evil Colin  
  
DISCLAIMER: Why oh why am I actually typing this again and again and again and again when I hate these things so? I do not know, I guess I'm just really, really weird. Either that or I actually love these things deep down inside! HA!! Yeah right . . . when that happens, I'll be old and wrinkled I tell you! WRINKLED!  
  
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It was the now the next day after the lovely dress Hermione had made for Draco. She awoke once again in her enemy's bed, luckily not ON him this time. By the time Draco awoke, she was already clean, fully dressed, and smelled nice (unlike him).  
  
"Grang-Hermione, why did you not wake me?"  
  
Hermione was surprised that Draco could even remember what her first name was, let alone remember that he was supposed to call her by it.  
  
"I'm not exactly in a rush to meet up with my over-excited Aunt thank you very much, but you better hurry up. I, Hermione Granger, have never been late before, well, not that late anyway."  
  
Draco snorted and began to get up. He quickly had a shower, and just as he came out, Little Draco (also fully dressed) stood in front of him, his hands behind his back and a wide grin on his face.  
  
Draco raised a carefully plucked eyebrow, "You – I've never looked that innocent before, what exactly do you want?"  
  
"Well, daddy, you know you have to do everything I say?"  
  
Draco nodded slowly as Little D shuffled slightly on his feet.  
  
"Weeeell, I was wondering daddy . . ."  
  
"Spit it out little person-who-stole-my-name."  
  
"Could you wear the dress mummy made you yesterday?"  
  
Draco stood, eyes wide like he'd been petrified while Hermione stood and watched, all the while thinking 'If only he'd been petrified'. After about five minutes, Draco finally blinked and looked straight at Hermione.  
  
"Hermione, ugh, I still hate your name, why, pray tell, do I, WE, have to listen to this child's demands? Potter and Weasley's children don't seem so demanding and they don't have to do whatever their child wants!"  
  
Hermione sighed, "Its because your 'child' as you put it, is a replica of you when you were younger Draco, obviously, you were a spoilt demanding little child, even more so than you are now and that's saying something."  
  
Draco scowled and took the dress in Little Draco's out stretched hands.  
  
"Why am I so annoying???"  
  
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"Draco, hurry up! I thought you were fit as well!"  
  
"Well how nice of you to say so, but I'm sorry that I'm slowing you down, its not like I'M CARRYING A BIG HEAVY LUMP THAT'S STOLEN MY NAME!!!!"  
  
They were now about half an hour late for breakfast and Hermione just knew that her dear Aunt Emi would notice in a mere ten seconds. As they passed the students heading to their first lesson of the day, Draco tried to ignore their giggles of seeing him in a dress, while Hermione was too rushed to even notice this (shame, she would have loved to encourage the laughter).  
  
"Well I never told you to carry Little Draco! And he did not steal your name! He IS you!!"  
  
"No he is not me, I is me!!"  
  
They finally reached the muggle classroom and as Hermione pulled the door open, she met with many, many eyes. Hermione smiled awkwardly as Draco rushed in, immediately dropping Little Draco onto the floor, breathless. Draco didn't even bother to look up to know that people were now laughing at him, basically because he was not deaf (no matter what Hermione said) and laughter can be heard, believe it or not.  
  
"Mummy, daddy, LOOK!!!!!!!"  
  
Little Draco handed Hermione a picture that he had snatched off some odd little kid that was now crying. She didn't even bother to try and comfort the little kid, what she saw was enough to make her barf for a week.  
  
Draco peered over her shoulder and gasped. The picture, the PHOTO was of him, and HER. Her meaning Hermione of course. And what were they possibly doing that could make them both want to puke? Ohhhh nothing but a bit of groping, hugging, snogging and most types of physical contact - with clothes on.  
  
Draco began to rip the picture up before glaring at every single person in the room.  
  
"And may I ask how many people have seen this 'PHOTO'?"  
  
"Don't worry Drake," Goyle said, bits of someone's cardigan falling out of his mouth, "Only the year group, a few professors, all those little kids in front of you and some sixth years, that's all."  
  
"THAT'S ALL??? THAT'S ALL??? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, THAT IS ALL????"  
  
Goyle nodded, "Yeah, that's all."  
  
Draco seethed with anger as he continued to glare around the room. A loud thump could be heard before Draco saw something coming towards him.  
  
"Excuse me, coming through here people! People in shock, need medical attention!!!"  
  
Two people in white coats rushed past with two heavy people commonly known as Harry and Ron piled on top of each other, apparently unconscious. Draco raised an eyebrow and turned his head. The position that the two boys were in seemed . . . ew . . . and . . . WRONG.  
  
"COUGH, COUGHMALFOYCOUGHGETBACKTOTHEPHOTOCOUGH!!!!" Hermione soughed and hacked and wheezed etc. etc. etc.  
  
Draco frowned for a few seconds before finally realising what she had said. It was kind of hard, even though she had spluttered the words out with a few chokes, coughs and splutters.  
  
"Oh yes . . . ahem . . . WHO'S KIND OF SICK IDEA FOR A JOKE IS THIS????"  
  
"HAHA!!! TWAS MINE!!!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DEAL WITH COLIN, KING OF CAMERAS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco, Hermione and everyone else in the hall turned to see Colin Creevey standing and laughing evilly, despite himself. Draco glared at him, making him run away in terror.  
  
"Mr Little Draco's daddy, why don't you really kiss Little Draco's mummy? REAL LIFE IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN STINKY PICTURES!!!" One little kid cried.  
  
Hermione could just about hear Colin shriek from down the corridor 'NO!!!! ALL MUST WORSHIP THY CAMERA!!!!'  
  
"NO!! Get lost freaky little dude!" Draco shrieked, trying to swat him away.  
  
"Come on Mister!! Little Draco's always boastin' bout how his mummy and daddy are so loved up!!! WHY DON'T YOU SHOW US THEN???"  
  
"Yeah daddy! There's nothing to be afraid of!!! DECLARE YOUR LOVE TO THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!"  
  
Draco gritted his teeth as more and more little kids began to crowd around him. He began to feel slightly freaked out. They reminded him of some freak zombies that were gaining in on you and taking up all the room around you so that all you had to stand on was a teeny tiny gap.  
  
'Deep breaths now Draco . . .' He thought, 'you are not scared of small spaces . . you are not . . . NOT . . . NOT . . . AHHH . . . NOOOOOOT . . . . AHHHHH . . . . NOT!!!" . . . And so it continued.  
  
"KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS, KISS!!!" All the little kids began to shout, much like some drunken hooligans might shout 'FIGHT!' at a dog and a chicken that have absolutely no idea what on earth they're on about.  
  
Draco and Hermione tried their best to stay strong, but alas, they could not, and neither could you if you had a bunch of screaming kids looking like clones of your 'friends' except smaller . . . * shudder*  
  
Little Draco yawned from some odd corner in the room and drawled, "Look guys, just shove their heads together and God will do the rest."  
  
Now, when Draco was younger, he was small, and thin, maybe even slightly wimp-ish (although he would never have admitted it). He was spoilt rotten, taught to be evil, manipulative, and use his money well. But the most important thing ever, was that all other little kids did as he told them to, basically because their parents had told them that Lucius would kill them if they didn't. And as Little Draco was the exact replica of Draco when he was small, now was no exception.  
  
Having two or three small children clinging onto your head is not a comfortable thing, and may lead to suffocation. Do not try at home.  
  
"Come on people! SHOVE!"  
  
And they did - the result? Is it not obvious? A kiss, or rather, lips meeting when they didn't want to meet, and staying there in that uncomfortable position because the kids would not stop pushing them together.  
  
'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR.' Was all that Hermione could think as she stared, wide eyed, into those blue eyes of Draco Malfoy. He looked just as scared as her, much to her amusement . . .  
  
Then all of a sudden, Hermione had a brilliantly gross plan. By brilliantly gross, she meant . . . brilliantly gross. What if . . . she snogged Malfoy, like, snogged, SNOGGED, and then the little kids, seeing that they 'liked' the kissing would then stop pushing! Like she said, brilliantly gross.  
  
And so, using all the will power in her, she forced open his mouth, making him even more surprised than he already was. She explored his mouth (much to her disgust) and soon realised that Malfoy was reacting – all too well. He had his hand on her waist and was edging closer to her, maybe even too close for her to bare.  
  
Slowly, little people began to slip off them like runny eggs, but when Hermione tried to edge away, she found that she couldn't. Maybe because of Malfoy holding her too tightly, or maybe just because she didn't really WANT to pull away. Either way, this was bad.  
  
She prodded him in the stomach, making him open his eyes. She gave him a glare and hoped he could read her mind – 'Let go of me or die.'  
  
Draco, scared of getting the oh so famous 'wrath of Hermione' let go at once, clearing his throat as he did so. The entire classroom was now staring at them.  
  
"Heh . . . Hermione, is there something wrong with you?" Neville asked quietly.  
  
"NO!!! OF COURSE THERE ISN'T!!! I'M PERFECTLY FINE THANK YOU!! SPIFFING!!!! JOLLY GOOD!!!!"  
  
Neville leaned towards his partner, Susan Bones, "See, I knew it wasn't because she didn't like me. Its just cus' she's hit herself too hard on the head with some kind of virtual saucepan. Now it all makes sense!"  
  
Right at that moment in time, Hermione felt no stronger urge than to strangle Neville.  
  
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"This warm up isn't really to train your brains at all. It is for us, the professionals (Hermione snorted), to see what your view of your partner is. Now, for some pairs, it is all too obvious what you think of one another, and I'm not looking at anyone in particular," Dr Granger said as she watched Hermione and Draco desperately try not to look at each other.  
  
"Now, Miss Granger, Mr Malfoy, you're to go first with Betty and Stanley and yes, they have become professionals over night." Serena smiled happily as Hermione and Draco got up, heading towards a black door where their psychotherapists were sure to be waiting.  
  
"Now dear," Betty waddled over with her shaky, bony, wrinkly, bony, wrinkly, hideous, and downright UGH hand stretching to tap Hermione's shoulder, only to make her lean onto Draco who in turn, crashed into a table behind me at the touch of Hermione against him and incidentally made a large bowl of water splash onto him so that it looked as though he'd wet himself.  
  
"Mummy, I think you better buy better nappies for daddy. See, his pee pee has just seeped straight through!!!"  
  
Hermione shuddered at the thought of changing Draco's 'nappy'.  
  
"In here children! Canvas' don't paint themselves you know!"  
  
"Well, technically Stanley, with a few adjustments with our wands, they would."  
  
Stanley stared at Betty for a while. "Yes . . . well . . . I . . . SHUT UP!! We have an experiment to begin!!!"  
  
"Well, technically, it's a warm up."  
  
It was lucky for Stanley that today, Hermione had more . . . feelings to deal with than the annoyingly frustrating voice of an eighty-eight year old man screaming like a parrot.  
  
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". . .And a little bit of green in the hair, a bit of yellow in the eyes . . . and I'm nearly done!" Draco exclaimed as he put down the tray of watercolour paints that he had been using. He stepped back to take a look.  
  
"Daddy, you forgot the wart on mummy's nose."  
  
"Oh yes, thank you little me."  
  
"I DO NOT HAVE A WART!"  
  
"You do in my world HERMIONE."  
  
"Well I'm sorry to break this to you DRACO, but your world is –  
  
"This world, so SHUT UP."  
  
Draco and Hermione's eyes met for a second in their angry exchange of stupid insults. Whoopsies . . . the past came once again to haunt, HAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
"Daddy, why is mummy red? Did she spray paint on her face to make herself prettier?" Little Draco asked, getting more and more confused by the second. If he thought Hermione was red, he nearly fainted when he looked at Draco, "DADDY!! You're face has gotten demented!! WE NEED WATER PEOPLE!! LOTS AND LOTS OF WATER!!!"  
  
Little Draco ran towards the door to try and get Betty and Stanley into the room. Little did he know that he had to OPEN the door first before running through it. The result? A small person lying on the floor with a rather red head.  
  
"Do you think we should help little me up?"  
  
"No, he's even more annoying than you."  
  
"He is me."  
  
". . . shut up."  
  
Hermione blushed again, as did Draco. She didn't even know why she was blushing. She felt stupid about the fact that she was blushing. It WAS STUPID the fact that she was blushing. Why was she even blushing? Ahhhh . . . it was all so confusing . . .  
  
It was just the fact that everytime she actually realised that it was DRACO, yes, DRACO that she was talking to (unbelievable I know . . .) she remembered how he had kissed her so passionately and then the redness would pay her ANOTHER visit. She tried to shake it off.  
  
'I am not blushing because of Draco Malfoy . . . I only blush because I LIKE someone, not because of Draco Malfoy . . .' She blushed even more, then felt the sudden urge to punch herself in the face. She looked up at Draco, wondering whether he was thinking the same thing as her, only to see that he was punching himself in the face.  
  
She sighed, this was great wasn't it? There were two fainted Draco's on the floor, and she was blushing like there was no tomorrow. Oh what would Betty and Stanley say if they came in and saw that she hadn't finished her painting yet . . .  
  
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I really hoped you enjoyed this people! I was on such a major blockage (yes, it's still bugging me) while writing this!! So please review with any suggestions or anything whatsoever to help me out here!  
  
By the way, I have decided that I don't really want a beta reader EXACTLY. Maybe somebody who could just decide whether something was funny (so not really reading on my mistakes, my grammar, and punctuation etc.).  
  
THANK YOU; THIS IS A MAYBE THOUGH, MAYBE!!!! 


	14. A horrible realisation

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
THANKS A BUNCH OF BANANAS TO:  
  
~*Cleopatra The Great ~ Lol, yeah, I guess you could call Little D 'cute', but you should have noticed his insanity, demented, and down right strange behaviour, lol, thanks for reviewing though! I hope you like this chapter, cus' you can bet it was a right pain to write.  
  
~*UntitledN'stayinthatway ~ Heya Katie B! Long time no talk, contact, whatever . . . thanks for the review, and the offer, I still haven't quite yet decided, but you'll be number one if I decide to have a kind-of beta reader! THANKS!!!  
  
~*Some12 ~ Awwww, thanks! That's real nice of you, as always!!! I haven't ever got ganged up on by a bunch of little kids, and even if I did I'd probably pinch they're cheeks and scare them away with my ugly face! HA! Yeah, but I used that to my advantage in the last chappie (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), lol, thanks again! And I still love Canada, as well as America!  
  
~*Fluff ~ Thanks for reviewing, and what you said in the review! I know Little Draco's like that, well, look at Big Draco! Hehe . . . both kind of insane . . . I hope you like this chapter; it was kind of forced . . .  
  
~*Pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ Hiya, I hope I spelt your name right, I mean, sorry, if I didn't! Anyways, thanks for reviewing the last chapter, there's more D/H interaction in this chappie I think, I'm not quite sure you know. I hope you enjoy this chappie cus' it was such a pain to write, lol, thanks again!  
  
~*Rupy ~ Here's the post, sorry it took so long! And also, thanks for the review, and also thanks for saying all the things you said.  
  
~*Natyslacks ~ Aw, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!! I am so happy (well, more than happy but I don't have a very big vocab.) that you thought that last chappie was so funny! I could so sense what you were on about, lol, thank you for being so nice! And even copying out some of the stuff I wrote . . . either that or you copied and pasted it, hmm . . . anyways, I hope you enjoy this chappie as much as the last (although I doubt it)  
  
~*ChIcKa ~ First, thanks for reviewing Fantasy, that was my first ever fic and not all the reviews for it were positive, although most of them were very positive!! Thanks also for reviewing this fic. I think I need all the support I can get to finish it!  
  
~*Cereza ~ Lol, don't worry, I look and feel stoned all the time . . . BUT I'M NOT **see dodgy people around the corner** hehe, anyways, thanks for reviewing! And enjoying it so much, and also, yeah, loads of bratty little kids are my worst nightmare too. I mean, really, I can't even handle two let alone . . . errr, too many to count!  
  
~*Klee_babe ~ Aw, shucks, hehe, sorry, I just thought the word shucks was funny, but you know, I'm kind of thick so really I laugh at anything! Thanks for reviewing, I really do appreciate it! Hugzy!  
  
~*Anonymous ~ Hehe, to be honest, I think I just might make Little Draco stay in this fic right until the end! I mean, he is so fun to write, and so fun to fiddle with, and hopefully, so fun to read too! Lol, anyways, I hope you enjoy this chappie, please do, and also, thanks for reviewing the last chappie!  
  
~*NewSecretRose ~ Thanks for reviewing, even though I didn't understand why the review was for chapter two . . . anyways, THANK YOU!! Lol, I'll maybe talk to you soon?  
  
~*Gina ~ Hiya, thanks for reviewing in an email, fanfiction.net wasn't working for my reviewing either. Hehe, and yeah, that was the chappie where I wanted Hermi and Drake to be in there right mind, but still kiss as well! I mean, it has to happen sometime (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) Lol, thanks for reviewing, bye!  
  
BY THE WAY, I AM POSITIVE I MISSED SOMEONE OUT ON THIS THANK YOU LIST, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHO. IF I DIDN'T SAY THANKS, YOU KNOW I MEANT TO!!!!!  
  
'=Thoughts "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: A horrible realisation  
  
DISCLAIMER: You know, I don't own anything, nope; nothing whatsoever . . . you didn't know that? Oh my god, YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT??? And you think I'M a dumass? HA!!! Well how dumb are you then mister?  
  
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"More cream mummy!!!! MORE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The long day was finally over, and Hermione and Draco were soon to begin another long night that they were dreading even more than the night before this, because of the day's events. However, for once Little Draco was good for something other than playing matchmaker. What, you ask? Why for distracting Hermione and Draco from thinking of one another.  
  
"We've run out of cream Little D," Hermione sighed, her back was aching after hours of searching under the bed for more bloody cream, "Why don't you try some of big Draco's hair gel? Your hand might stick to your face afterwards, but nevermind!!!"  
  
"No! Get your grubby hands off my gel little person! And anyway, I'm sure the door didn't hit you TOO hard, so hard that you need to put my private- state-of-the-art-proven-to-stick-well gel. I mean, if you did I would be happy, and as you can see, I am - "  
  
"Yes you are!!! HAHA!!!! When mummy's here you always happy!!!!!!"  
  
Little Draco grinned goofily and began to rub his face in Draco's hair to try and get some gel on, as he couldn't exactly reach the key that was placed on top of somewhere Little Draco didn't know, so that he could use it to open the secret hidden box under Draco's bed to reach the hair gel.  
  
"You are a disgrace to me!!!!"  
  
"AHHHHHHH!!!! I GOT GLUE IN MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"FOR GOD'S SAKE ITS GEL!!!!!!"  
  
"Awwww, don't worry Little D!! Glue's only a solvent and also highly poisonous if sniffed or eaten, but it doesn't matter!!" Hermione patted Little Draco on the head while he grinned once more and began to sing 'Mary had a little lamb'.  
  
"How does he know that? I didn't and he's supposed to be me!!!!" Draco watched Little Draco prance around with one of Hermione's stuffed toys. Next thing he knew, he would want some kind of pink tutu and a diamond- studded tiara . . . but then again, the diamonds would just prove what good taste Draco had.  
  
"Little Draco, could I have my teddy back please? I can't sleep without it," Hermione asked Little Draco, gently, making sure that he was looking at her so that she could snatch the bear without him knowing, and trying to ignore Big Draco's snorts from behind her.  
  
"I WANT THIS ONE MUMMY!!! Hug daddy!! He's big, hairy and warm!!!! JUST LIKE DE BEEEEEEEEAR!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione was beginning to hope that red was her colour.  
  
"Mummy, have you started on a green dress yet? I've got the dance, but I need the dressie!! Daddy can't make stuff, he's scared he's going to ruin his hair."  
  
"Wouldn't you like a pink dressie Little D?" Hermione coo-ed. Walking around with Little Draco dressed in a pink dress was almost as good as watching actual Draco walk around in a pink dress, hehe . . .  
  
"Little me! Tell your MOTHER that there is no way that you are wearing a pink tutu! Pink is not our colour."  
  
"Well, tell your FATHER, that I never said you were going to wear a tutu, but now that he speaks of it, it is a fairly good idea, and how does he know pink isn't your colour? I bet he has never been manly enough to wear a pink shirt."  
  
"Tell your MOTHER that I am so manly, I would never be seen DEAD in a pink shirt . . . tutu . . . WHATEVER!!!!"  
  
"Tell you dear old daddy that if he were so manly, he would wear a pink shirt or whatever and no one would doubt the fact that he wasn't gay! And, once he is dead, how would he know whether somebody like 'moi' would change your shirt to something . . . more . . . poofy?"  
  
"Tell you damn mother –  
  
"Tell your 'father' never to use such language in front of you, Little Draco."  
  
"TELL YOU BEEPING MOTHER –  
  
"Er, daddy, how can mummy be beeping???" Little Draco asked while fiddling with a strand of loose hair. Draco looked from Little D's face, to the loose hair.  
  
"Boy! Use gel to get that hair back in place!!! . . . Oh God . . . I sound like my father . . ." Draco groaned.  
  
"Mummy, back to the dress –  
  
"Oh yes Little D, I've already made it, look," Hermione reached under the bed and pulled out a long cotton dress with pale green and pink stripes (and with a nice little sun hat to match), "Well, I've almost finished it anyway." And with a wave of her wand, letters began to appear on the dress –  
  
'BIG DRACO SMELLS'  
  
"COOL!!!!! Ron Jr. and Harry Jr. are going to be SOOOOOOOOOOO jealous! Hehe, I bet they'd want a dress that's half pink saying how much their daddy's smell!!!! Hey mummy! Can I wear it to beddy-bys?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
Meanwhile, Big Draco was praying like mad that he would ONLY wear it to bed.  
  
"Night, night mummy, daddy, I'll ignore the noises you'll be making later!!" Little Draco grinned as he drew the curtains of his daddy's four- poster and took his mummy's wand.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Curtain thingy hear my cry, stick together until I sigh!"  
  
Hermione frowned, thank God Little Draco didn't know any REAL spells. She pulled at the curtains, but . . . they would not part, AT ALL. They were stuck, making Hermione and Draco even more 'together' than usual.  
  
"Damn Little D for being so clever . . ."  
  
"See? I wasn't that stupid after all!!!!"  
  
"Where did he learn about all these things? Like, NOISES?"  
  
Draco and Hermione stared into space (which wasn't easy as there was hardly any space at all) before shrieking and both going to either end of the bed, blushing furiously and growling at each other.  
  
"You know this is all your fault HERMIONE!!! ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"  
  
"HOW IS IT MY FAULT????????"  
  
"YOUR FAULT FOR HAVING SUCH IDIOTIC FRIENDS WHICH HAVE SUCH IDIOTIC SONS WHICH TEACH MY YOUNGER IDIOTIC SELF TO TALK OF SUCH IDIOTIC THINGS!!!!!!!" Draco shouted, before stopping and whimpering as though he was going to cry, "OH GOD I SOUND EVEN MORE LIKE FATHER NOW!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH DEAR LORD!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione raised an eyebrow and tried to clamber even further away from Draco. This was all she needed, being stuck in the dark, on a bed that wasn't hers, next to her archenemy, which turned out to be such a maniac that he thought he was his father. Brilliant, just spiffing.  
  
"Move over HERMIONE, I need room."  
  
"You HAVE room, I know you're fat and everything, but please! I'm a girl who needs space!"  
  
Draco gasped, "YOU'RE A GIRL?????????"  
  
Hermione screamed and launched on Draco, deciding that it would be better to punch him first, before realising that she would be blushing for physically touching him.  
  
"GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," Draco choked as Hermione strangled him more and more while sitting on him to make sure that he could not get up.  
  
"GAH MY BIG FAT ARSE DRACO!!!"  
  
"I CAN'T GAH YOUR BIG FAT ARSE BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SITTING ON MY MOUTH!!!!!!"  
  
"WELL IF I WAS THEN YOU'D BITE IT!!!!"  
  
As if they had both just realised what Hermione had said, they both bolted away from each other at top speed. Although it was dark, Hermione could still see Draco blushing but trying to hide it by rubbing his face into the curtains (has no one told him he could get fabric burn? Which would only get him even redder . . .)  
  
Hermione knew she was blushing too, but as he probably couldn't even look at her, she took this to her advantage.  
  
"Oh Coco honey!! Why don't you come over here next to me?" She coo-ed as she saw Draco's face turn into an almost black red.  
  
"Draco dear, come, come, we do not want to disappoint Little Draco now, do we?"  
  
Draco appeared to choke before stuffing a small part of his duvet into his mouth, okay, fine, a LARGE part of his duvet in his mouth (what? He has a big gob . . .)  
  
"Draco . . . darling –  
  
"AISHHDWAHEDHSBJBCJHBASDHJWEJSKS," Draco shrieked, jumping up and dancing around on the bed like some . . . strange freaky dude. He took the duvet, making Hermione fly off, and covered himself making him seem like some sort of badly made Halloween costume that went horribly wrong.  
  
"Er, what are you doing?"  
  
"EVIL KOOKY SPIRIT OF THY MUD, CLEAR THE SKY AND BURN THY BRAIN TILL THY FRY!!!!!! I COMPLETE THOU SPELL WITH THIS – MWHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHASHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH cough, cough, god, it smells in here, did you fart Gran-Herm?"  
  
"Never ask a lady if she's farted! That applies for age too!!"  
  
"Okay . . . so you did fart, god Granny, and I thought you already smelled."  
  
"MUMMY, DADDY!!! WRONG NOISES THAT ARE KEEPING ME AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione and Draco paused for a moment. So, Little D had been listening to them all this time . . . how clever, how nice, how . . . horribly wrong . . .  
  
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Hermione sighed. It was quite comfortable, the position she was in, considering her circumstance. She sighed again, and drooled, then sighed once more and drooled even more. She flung her arms about, whacking some odd thing next to her, and making the thingy 'oomph'. Suddenly, somebody, whacking HER around the face, interrupted her sighing and drooling and whacking random stuff.  
  
"OY!!! MALFOY, I MEAN, DRACO!!!!!"  
  
"What? YOU WHACKED ME FIRST!!!"  
  
"Yeah well . . . I'm more important than you."  
  
"RISE AND SHINE MY LOVELY MUMMY AND DADDY WHO LOVE EACH OTHER OH SO DEARLY!!!!!!" Little Draco pulled the curtains apart and climbed up and into Hermione's lap before she noticed, then tugged at Draco's hair so that he had to lay down to avoid going bald before he breakfast.  
  
"Mummy, I need a bath, I've just realised I smell. Could you bathe me please?" Little Draco grinned.  
  
"Er, I think that DRACO might want to bathe you Little D, I mean, I'm not used to handling little wet naked boys running around singing the Cheeky Girls."  
  
"Ugh, fine, I'll do it. I don't exactly want YOU, HERM, to wash my little self . . . that would just be like washing ME . . . EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione cringed and twitched, making her face go all demented . . . and continued to twitch even after fifteen minutes later, when Little D had actually managed to drag Draco into the bathroom with a dog brush.  
  
Hermione cringed again as she tried to eavesdrop on Little Draco and his 'daddy's conversation.  
  
"I want a bubble bath!"  
  
"No."  
  
"I want a bubble bath!"  
  
"No."  
  
"I WANT A BUBBLE BATH!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
And before Hermione could hear what Draco said, she heard a gigantic splash and a gargle. Didn't take a genius to see the resemblance between Little Draco and the blob that was his older self . . .  
  
The door creaked slowly open and out came Little Draco, wrapped in a towel and covered in bubbles so that he looked like a giant walking piece of cotton wool, or an overgrown sheep. Behind him was a sopping wet Draco with his hair hanging in his face. He pouted and blew a bubble from one side of his nose.  
  
Hermione could feel herself blushing like mad at the site of Draco all wet and . . . blowing bogey soap bubbles out of his nose. She had seen him like this before . . . why did it feel all different?  
  
And then it hit her, like someone had thrown a brick in her face. She, yes, she, a goody-goody Gryffindork, was, falling, yes, FALLING, for the cold hearted Slytherin., DRACO MALFOY.  
  
All around her, it went dark. The last thing she saw was a miniature Draco running around screaming about poisonous soap being the stuff that had killed Elvis . . .  
  
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So . . . hi! Please review!!! I am still on a blockage, in case of you were wondering, and I am still in need of . . . well, suggestions, ideas, and round about STUFF to help me get over the blockage, so please review and say that you have SOME idea. Most idea in this fic was suggestions made by reviewers, so I owe it all up to you lot for helping me!!! Oh and sorry in advance for the crappiness.  
  
PS. Hey, I'm going on holiday very, very soon. I would only be gone for two weeks though, so really, it won't be that long a wait, so bye guys!  
  
PPS. Thanks all you guys who helped this fic make over 200 reviews!! IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I WOULDN'T BE HERE!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!! 


	15. Hermi's dear Aunt

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
'=Thoughts "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
THANKS TO (AND SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT):  
  
~Alohilani Moon ~ Hey, yeah, the chapters are coming into focus on Little Draco (even this one I think) but only because he can help get some romance involved, as you shall know in the next chapter!!! HAHA!! Sorry, hyper, just been shopping you see! Thanks for the review!! (Oh and there will be more experiments after the next chapter, I PROMISE!) Oh and just to say, those little kids running around are kind of an experiment anyway!!! So, really, they're in an experiment all the time! (That's my excuse anyway)  
  
~TOM-FELTON-IS-SEXY ~ Thanks for reviewing, and for what you said! I got kind of confused but HEY! I'M ALWAYS CONFUSED! Hehe . . . anyways, I really hope you like this chappie . . . please review also!  
  
~Milocachica ~ Here's the update! I know I said two weeks, but really, it took such an effort for me to actually type all this from a notebook into here!!! OH SO HARD!! Anyways, thanks for the review, I hope you enjoy this (please do!!)  
  
~Burgundyred ~ You were on holiday too? WHAT A COINCEDENCE!! (Or however you spell it) Hehe, where d'ya go anyways? I will still have Lil D around, but for the sake of another reviewer, I have to have some focus back on experimenting again! THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING!  
  
~Natyslacks ~ Aw, thanks so much! I hope you don't wheeze too much, really, you'll be old and grey before twenty-two! Unless you already are twenty-two . . . in that case I'll say . . . forty-four? I dunno, anyways, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as the last, or even more!  
  
~Rupy ~ Thank YOU for reviewing this, it was so nice of you. Hope you enjoy this chapter (if you read and review it that is).  
  
~ChIcKa ~ Hiya, thanks for reviewing and yeah, I hope I remember to email you too with this update . . . it took forever for me to just type this from my little notebook! Hehe, anyways, thanks again, I really hope you like this chappie!  
  
~ Klee_babe ~ Heh . . . thanks!  
  
~SiriuslyDelirious ~ *Cheesy grin * Yeah, I guess Hermi would really be freaking out about NEWTS, but I totally forgot about that, so it's not included! I'm just obsessed with Draco/Hermione, so that's why I always write them! Now I can't write anything else! Thanks for the review!  
  
~Spaced out space cadet ~ Driving Draco insane is something I would love to do . . . if only Draco was REAL!!!! WAH!!! Sorry, I don't know how I got onto the topic of that in such a short time but who cares? I hope you really enjoy this chappie! THANKS!  
  
~ShortStuff10 ~ Hiya Ding, hey, when I write my thanks, I think I might just put Ding instead of the other one, its so much easier!! Hehe, anyways, thanks for reviewing and for the suggestion! THAT'S SO NICE! Lol, sorry, hyper, bye!  
  
~Openly Insane ~ Lol, you're so funny yourself nevermind the chapter! LOL. Anyway, thanks for reviewing, that was so nice of you! I'M SO HAPPY! Hehe, here's the update, sorry it took so long.  
  
~ Happigolucki616 ~ Lol, thanks! Here's more, I am so sorry it took so long, longer than I thought it would take anyway. I mean, I thought I could update when I got back, but it took so long to type this up and thank all of these wonderful people, I lost track of time! THANK YOU!!!!!!  
  
~Princess Faye ~ Hehe, you got me laughing too . . .  
  
~Gina ~ that is so nice of you!!! You know, this is my first humour thing, and I'm so glad that it's done so well, I mean, I never did think this would make people laugh, I thought everyone was going to make fun of me! But you didn't! AND INSTEAD, gave me your support!! *Sniff * THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!! I SHALL WRITE MORE!!!  
  
~Cereza ~ did you know, I did actually have a bubble bath lately . . . I don't normally have them you see! I have showers! Lol, useless information, but anyways, it might be useful one day! I don't know how, but YOU NEVER KNOW!!! Lol, and I agree, sugar does ROCK, and so does mango! Hehe  
  
~Anonymous ~ Aw, thanks! Here's the update, if you are living on this fic, I hope you aren't dead yet! I know it took a LOOOOONG time!  
  
~LythTaeraneth ~ HEY!!!! Nice to hear from you again! I haven't even talked to you for so long, sigh . . . anyway, thanks for reviewing, I've never babysat (although I have been babysat by someone . . .). It is fun to annoy the babysitter, hehe . . . thanks again for reviewing! (This and Gems)  
  
~Paprika90 ~ Thanks for reviewing, and yes, she did faint! Hehe, thanks again, and I really hope you like this chapter (please do!)  
  
~Some12 ~ Hehe, yeah, I guess if you didn't have any suggestions, others would help me with them, BUT, if everyone thought like you did, then I wouldn't get any help at all and this fic would come to a very sad and boring end. Now, no one would like that to happen, would they? Well I don't anyways so . . . hehehehehe, sorry, sugar!!!! Thanks for reviewing by the way.  
  
~IceCristal ~ THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUGGESTION! I don't know if I will be using it, but nevermind, thanks anyway, and yeah, I do know that Little Draco is slightly perverted . . . you see why Big Draco is so demented now, lol.  
  
~Smileyface1314 ~ Omg, did you know that about that V. potion thing, I had that exact same idea when I originally began this fic? THAT IS SO FREAKY. Lol, thank you for your suggestions, one will definitely be used! DEFINITELY!!! Thanks for reviewing too, YOU ARE SO NICE!!! HUGZY!!!  
  
~the Lady Katherine ~ Hehehehehehehehe, now that you point it out, it is quite obvious that Little Draco is kind of becoming . . . older and still being small . . . oh well, everything is possible with magic! Well, almost everything, but still!!! He's a strange and mysterious, kid that one is . . .  
  
~Mousas ~ Really hope I spelt your name right . . . anyway, thanks for reviewing, really hope you enjoy this chappie!!!  
  
~Pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ Lol, yeah . . . thanks for the suggestions, and really, I'm thinking the same thing as you . . . actually I'm not . . . I don't know what I'm thinking . . . hehehe, thanks again  
  
~Midnight solitaire ~ Thanks for the review, here's the update, I am so sorry that it took like, forever, well, longer than it was supposed to anyway!  
  
~Tinuviel Storm ~ Lol, my parents look at me like I'm a maniac everyday! Even though they don't admit it . . . hehehe, anyways, thanks for your review! It was super nice of you!!! : D  
  
~Brainlessmuggle ~ Hmm, actually, no, I've never really heard of writing a Tom and Emma fic, basically cus' you know, they're real people and all. Plus, I don't really think it would be a good idea . . . basically cus you have no idea how many people have moaned to me about Emma stealing Tom away from his loving fans! But, I would support you if YOU wrote one! Lol, I'm so looking forward to the third movie, because of that slap or punch or whatever. Either way, I'm going to be amused, lol. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
~BeanTaiPaw ~ Thanks, I never did think this story was original . . . I just thought it was weird and confusing, that's what everyone said! Lol, thank you for reviewing, I think Big and Little Draco rock as well!!  
  
~Danielle ~ Thank you so much! My mum is like that when I read funny fics, its so nice to know that I'm not the only one . . ..  
  
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Hermi's dear Aunt.  
  
DISCLAIMER: It's bad enough being on a major blockage when you have people waiting for you to deliver a fanfic, how bad would it be if I were JK and having a major blockage with people waiting for me to deliver a bloody HOUSE BRICK? Exactly, I would have gone mad by now! . . . not that you know that I'm writing this from my very own mental hospital . . .  
  
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"Herm-own-ninny!!!!!!! HERM-OWN-NINNY!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione groggily sat up, dazed and confused (as if she always wasn't). Greeeat, first she realised she was beginning to like 'Coco', thinking of him as more than an odd thing with a really gross wig, and now she had some random little kid peering at her wearing a fake moustache (that looked suspiciously like Snape's hair . . .)  
  
Next thing she'd know, a little kid dressed as granny hoo-ha would be coming in saying how much she needed teeth surgery . . .  
  
"Don't even try asking."  
  
Hermione looked to her left. Draco. There. Dressed. As. Her . . . . . . Ew.  
  
"Tis your dear Auntie's birthday today," Draco said, leaning against some odd thing – meaning that random dude dressed as Viki, "And, guess what? SHE SUGGESTED A BLOODY FANCY DRESS PARTY."  
  
"Well," Hermione began, trying her hardest not to stutter or show any signs of nervousness – not that she was (cough, cough), "That does explain that random kid dressed as Viktor I guess."  
  
"I'm not random! I'm Ron Jr.!" said the dude with the moustache, obviously deeply offended.  
  
"Same difference."  
  
Little Draco came through the hospital doors. How very, very typical. Little Draco was dressed up as . . . dum-dum-dum . . . Big Draco.  
  
"Oi mummy!!" Little Draco began, talking to a very confused Draco, "Where have you been for the past few hours huh? I couldn't find you anywhere in this dreaded castle!!!"  
  
Hermione blinked, "Err . . . Little D, I'm over here."  
  
Little Draco looked at her for a moment, and then looked back at Big Draco, and then back at Hermione once again.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! " He shrieked, waving his arms around in the air, carefully avoiding his well-gelled hair, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING!!! THE ALIENS ARE COMING!!!"  
  
"I think it's the shock of seeing two people who look almost the same you know," Hermione said to herself. She looked in Draco's direction and found him glaring at her with an evil aura.  
  
"TRY BEING ME HERMIONE."  
  
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Hermione groaned. Aunts. Was it just hers, or did the entire world have to suffer with dear Auntie's that were as annoying as this . . .?  
  
"Oh, Hermione dear!!! That looks wonderful on you!!! Green suits you oh so much, and the blonde brings out your lovely chubby cheeks!!! You know, you should dye your REAL hair that colour! Brown is just so . . . dull." And that was coming from a woman that had dyed her ginger/red hair to . . . brown.  
  
"NO. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, ever, EVER, copy my hair!! I know I'm wonderful and everything, but I already have this little midget being me. I don't need ANOTHER midget being make thank you very much." Draco said, staring at his manicured fingernails.  
  
"Oi!!! I'm no midget!!! I'm just . . . FOUR!!!!!"  
  
"Yeah, like THAT'S an excuse," Draco rolled his eyes while Little Draco pouted and hung onto Hermione's right arm.  
  
"Daddy, I mean, mummy, I mean daddy, I mean . . . whatever! HE IS BULLYING ME!!!!!!!" Little Draco cried into Hermione's sleeve before looking up at her with puppy-dog eyes (which made him look like a duck).  
  
Yes, it was just what she had feared. Her Aunt, HER OWN AUNT, had made her dress up as little Draco, who just looked exactly like Big Draco, except obviously shorter. Confusing, yes, as Little D has just proven . . .  
  
"Come on children!!" Serena rushed in, wearing a red wig and stuck on freckles which just made her look as though she had chicken pox, "I can't wait until everyone sees me!!! I mean, isn't it like, SO, obvious that I'm dressed as Ron Weasley?"  
  
'Yeah . . . if Ron had enormous scary freckles and long spiky hair that had gone out of fashion DECADES ago . . . ." Hermione thought to herself.  
  
"COME ON ALREADY!!!!!!! THE FIRST COMPETITION IS STARTING SOON!!!!!!" Serena gabbled hurriedly, before rushing through the door and getting herself caught on the door knob (one of the many reasons why you shouldn't wear a long spiky wig AND some of Draco's hair gel *coughsupergluecough *)  
  
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"Thank you all for this wonderful celebration!!!!!" Dr. Granger sniffed, "It was such a lovely surprise, even if I did organise everything myself!!!! And of course, my wonderful little niece has awoken, just in time for the fun!!!!"  
  
FUN. NUF. UNF. FNU. Anyway you spelt it, Dr. Granger's vision of 'fun' just wasn't something you really wanted to know about . . .  
  
"We shall have a series of competitions and events tonight to celebrate me turning . . . . oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!!!!! I nearly revealed my age!! Of course a lady of my standard should never reveal her age!!!!"  
  
*Gasp *, indeed, Dr. Granger was a WOMAN.  
  
"Now, first competition is . . ." Serena began, standing on the table so everyone could see her goofy face, "Who can guess who I'm dressed up as???"  
  
Blank faces were obviously something Serena didn't want.  
  
"Come on people!! It's not that hard!!!"  
  
One hand rose from the crowd of brainless zombies – Harry's hand and arm to be perfectly precise.  
  
"Yes, Mr Potter?"  
  
"Errrr . . . Snape?"  
  
Hermione snorted, spilling fruit juice over the nearest person – Little Draco. Little D shrieked in surprise and began to rub his head on the nearest thing possible – Big Draco. Big Draco, being in shock because of now having some odd thing rub his head on his nice clean robes, frowned and flicked his fingers at Little Draco like he was flicking some dead fly off a table.  
  
"OW!!!!! CUT YOUR FINGER NAILS MISTER!!!!"  
  
"Oh, yeah, like I'm going to listen to you, little-dude-who's-messed-up-his- hair-with-fruit-juice-that-someone-spat-out-ew!!!"  
  
"I happen to have some rather revealing photos of you and . . . ANOTHER WOMAN!"  
  
"What, OTHER WOMAN????????"  
  
"MWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is more commonly known as HIM!!!!" Little Draco pointed to no other than . . . Harry, dressed up in a mini skirt as Padma Patil. The make-up and clothes suited Harry well . . . which made the whole situation all the more worse.  
  
"What?????? I'd never be seen with him you . . . 'thing'!"  
  
"Ohhhh . . ." Little Draco blinked, apparently deep in thought (snort), "You are mummy, right??"  
  
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"Now, award for cutest couple is . . ." Serena began, before realising that she'd picked up the wrong envelope from the stack of golden envelopes that all looked exactly the same.  
  
"Oh, stuff it! The award for the best family costume goes to . . . THE MALFOY FAMILY!!!!!!"  
  
"SHE IS NOT RELATED TO ME!!!" Draco fumed, a vein on his forehead popping out scarily. Little Draco looked at it in amazement, poking it with his finger to see whether it would pop like one of those zits and spots.  
  
Hermione banged her head against Draco's arm, only to find herself stuck in a bundle of bushy brown hair.  
  
"HERM-GRAN!!!!! GET YOUR WIG OUTTA MINE!!!!!!!"  
  
"It's not my fault Draco!!! It's all that stupid gel you put in your hair that's made mine like this – STUCK!!!!!!!"  
  
"Oh and it has nothing to do with the fact that YOUR HAIR IS A HUMAN DISASTER!!!!"  
  
"No, it doesn't actually. You just forgot to comb it."  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
Hermione couldn't believe it. She has fallen for the most arrogant, argumentative, immature, spoilt man on earth. How so totally UNFAIR.  
  
"Okay you guys," Serena sighed, waving her wand and actually getting a spell RIGHT for once, "Don't ruin Dr. Granger's fortieth, I mean . . . twenty-first!! Birthday! Just watch the stupid congrats tape!"  
  
"I CAN'T SEE!!!!!!" Little Draco moaned before climbing onto Draco's bushy brown head of Rupunzel hair and sat on his shoulders, making him 'oomph' as Lil' D began picking bits off of Big Draco's wig.  
  
The film began and Hermione could feel herself AND Draco go red with embarrassment, while Little D was just chuckling away to himself, meaning that someone had obviously spiked his drink.  
  
The video started with all the arguments that Hermione and Draco had had (which they didn't even know had been taped and suspected that it wasn't ALL the argument as they had had too many to actually make anyone care that much to count – and yeah, I know that didn't make much sense), and ended with a close-up of them snogging, with the odd little person's hand at the edge of the screen of course.  
  
Hermione was, as usual, horrified, just like Draco. She felt a soft pat on her shoulder as a voice from behind her spoke (this voice commonly known as Ron).  
  
"Don't worry Hermione, Harry and me still like you, even if you are germilized now. Why do we still like you Herms you ask? Because YOU DE MAN!!!!"  
  
She didn't exactly know whether to take that as a compliment or not . . .  
  
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Okay dudes, I know this chapter was kind of confusing, feel free to ask anything you don't get!! Anyways, I'm sorry if it was kind of short, I have the next chapter planned so really, you can't blame me!! I'm sorry if it was short because I didn't have my computer with me on holiday, so I didn't know how long this was. To make it longer, I'm adding on one of my few dairy entries –  
  
PS. This is for the record, I know I overuse exclamation marks and that sort of stuff, but I only do that to prove that this fic is NON-SERIOUS. If it was serious, the title wouldn't be CRAZY MUNATIC EXPERIMENTS FOR GODS SAKE! So I overuse stuff on purpose! GET THAT STRAIGHT!!! (Sorry, someone reviewed and pointed it out so I got annoyed)  
  
(If you've read it, please type 'MAHA' in your review – please review – just to let me know you read it)  
  
~*DIARY ENTRY ~ been on holiday for . . . two days.*~  
  
So, being away from home, for, let's say, two weeks? There's a lot of stuff to deal with you know, like, having the right money with you, dealing with family, whether there are any fit people there, homesickness, and the fact that everyone looks as though they're about to murder you.  
  
It's scary really, everyone looks at you in this REAL weird way, like I'm a freak and they're not. Plus, I haven't had ANY English TV (apart from Sesame Street, but that doesn't count), and the fact that I don't have a Discman with me to listen to some music I actually understand is driving me round the bend . . .  
  
To top that, my homesickness is really getting to me. I mean, it even made my stomach hurt!! Although I suspect that was because I had eaten too much (what? The food was good . . .), BUT then again, that stupid aeroplane had so much blimmin' air conditioning, it made me freeze my butt off!!! But anyways, everything reminds me of HOME!!! I'M DYING!!!  
  
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Oh and I named my Gran's turtle Bob, hehe 


	16. The trouble with Little Draco

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
I THINK I AM USING ONE OF THE REVIEWERS SUGGESTIONS, THINK.  
  
BIG THANKS TO EVERYONE, EVERYONE IS:  
  
~Burgundyred ~ Nevermind, everyone is lazy you know, sigh . . . I don't particularly like Serena either, maybe I should kill her off . . . get someone to shoot her, heh, that would be fun . . . but alas, it would be too gruesome for a fic like this, for shame . . . thanks for reviewing anyways.  
  
~Natyslacks ~ Thanks you for reviewing, and yeah, practically everyone found the last chapter confusing, even me when I read it back! Lol, and I love the name Bob too . . .  
  
~Alex ~ Hi! Yeah, I know everyone is yelling, it's just I don't like peaceful atmosphere . . . its scary . . . and I will try not to get everyone to yell, but seeing as you reviewed chapter 2, I'm guessing that it's kind of late . . . anyways, thanks for the review!! Appreciate it!  
  
~Some12 ~ Lol, yeah, I went to China, so many steps I had to climb, it was well annoying, but, a holiday IS a holiday! Thank you for your suggestions, I might use that one about the field trip, but cus' I already did it (chocolate factory) I don't really want to do it again, and also, I'm leaving the party thing behind cus no one actually understood it anyway! Lol, oh and yes, it was a fancy dress party, which is a costume party in case you don't use the same words as me! Thanks for reviewing!  
  
~Pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ Oh well, hardly anyone actually understood the last chapter. Nevermind, it wasn't important anyways . . . not much anyway! Thanks for reviewing, here's the update.  
  
~Tinuviel Storm ~ Hehe, thanks, you know how stupid I was? I forgot that I told people to put MAHA, and when I read my reviews, I was like, why are they all maha-ing at me? Of course, I remember like, a week later, but, better late than never! Thanks for reviewing and I hope you get this chappie!  
  
~ShortStuff10 ~ Hiya Ding, lol, Little Ron was dressed as Viktor Krum (much to Ron's annoyance) and Dr Granger was the only person who wasn't dressed up – her excuse was that it was her birthday *rolls eyes *, anyways, thanks for the review! Appreciate it!!!  
  
~Paprika90 ~ I'm not that sure if Lil' D is going to be there forever, but he is going to stay for a long time. The reason why I'm not sure is because he IS kind of a part of Draco, so Little Draco might eventually go back into Big Draco, I'm not sure though, it might make people upset . . .  
  
~Milocachica ~ Lol, sorry, I know it was confusing, you sound mad . . . oh well, forget the last chapter! I just needed to get something out, and anyways, it's not important. THIS chapter is though, hehe . . . thanks for the review by the way!  
  
~Michelle ~ Lol, loved your review, I found it so amusing! Ha! Anyways, thanks a bundle for the review, and what you said as well, I'm really happy! YAY!! (Who wouldn't be?) Lol, anyways, bye! Enjoy!  
  
~Dracoluver2009 ~ Aw, thanks, nice of you to say something like that! Here's the next chappie, please enjoy it and remember to review it afterwards!!! PLEASE!  
  
~Cereza ~ LOL, YOU GO BOB!!!! (THX ^.~)  
  
~Spaced Out Space Cadet ~ I went to China somewhere, I don't know, I am useless with places (not to mention practically everything else as well . . .) thanks so much for the review, and my family all think I'm weird as well!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! HA!!! Lol.  
  
~Princess Faye ~ Lol, I didn't get your review so I'm just laughing! Lol.  
  
~Gina ~ Aw, you are so nice!! The review brightened up my day too!! You see, my life has been crappy lately, but I guess I'm not the only one . . . oh well, sugar will make everything better . . . hehe  
  
~xAmericanxSunsetx ~ Hehe, thanks a bundle! Nevermind what the review is about, you reviewed and that's what matters! YAY! I'm unsorted everyday, I think most people are . . . who cares? We eat, sleep and live, that's what matters, lol, yeah, I am so shallow . . .  
  
~Rupy ~ Thanks so much rupy, really appreciate you reviewing, hope you enjoy this chappie too!  
  
~Anonymous ~ Sorry!! I know it took really long, and it wasn't even worth much of the time I took . . . oh well, I needed a break, BADLY, why . . . I don't know. Hmm . . .  
  
~Happigolucki616~ Lol YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYYA!!!!!!!! You're always so cheerful, its ultra hard not to scream . . . hehehehehe . . . thanks so much for reviewing everytime, I really don't know how I can thank you enough!!!!  
  
~ChIcKa ~ Okay, I really, REEEEEEEEEALLY, hope I emailed you with this update. I'm so forgetful, it's annoying myself . . . but then again, everything seems to be annoying me, god I feel so strange! Oh well, I'll get over it . . . god, am I talking to myself again? GAH.  
  
'=Thoughts "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: The trouble with Little Draco  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing! I know I have just been on holiday, and I know that you have to at least have SOME money for a holiday (to get there, get back, buy stuff when you are there, pay for a hotel, that kind of crap) but really, if I was rich then I would go somewhere posh instead of where I actually did go .  
  
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Hermione couldn't sleep. She looked to her left, and saw Little Draco, snoring and drooling all over her pyjama pants, and to her right was Big Draco, looking so cute when he was asleep, that Hermione didn't even dare to look at him anymore. Everywhere she turned, there was a Draco. She couldn't get away from THE DRACOS.  
  
Why was Little Draco in her bed? Well, he had suddenly come up to her in the middle of the night, complaining that he was too attractive and he couldn't decide how many girls he should date at one time. She had complained and told him to go back to sleep. So he did – in her bed.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Hermione looked to her right and saw Big Draco hanging onto her sleeve. She looked away immediately, before she did something that she regretted . . .  
  
"Granger . . . shut up."  
  
He was talking in his sleep. About her . . . Oo lala  
  
"I said shut up about Granger . . . no . . . ew . . . yes . . . mmmm, cake."  
  
She bent down to try and hear more of what he was saying, making sure that her hair wouldn't wake him up.  
  
". .. . . . .. . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco sprung up hitting Hermione accidentally as he did so. His eyes were wide and he looked kind of shocked as Hermione clutched a big lump on her forehead.  
  
"Can I just say, OUCH!!!!" Hermione gasped, rubbing her head in pain.  
  
"What? It's not my fault you were leaning so close to me . . . actually, what WERE YOU DOING leaning so close to me?" Draco asked suspiciously, edging slightly further away from Hermione. Little Draco yawned and had one eye open while the other was closed. Freaky look really.  
  
"Daddy, you have the same problem as me!!! Obviously we're too attractive. Girls just can't control themselves around us and they can't help but throw themselves at us!!!" Little Draco patted Hermione on the back, "Do not be afraid mummy, YOU ARE NOT ALONE."  
  
"I was not trying to . . . KISS you if that's what you're thinking!! I am merely . . ."  
  
"Trying to kiss me?" Draco asked, puking up his lips and making kissy noises, "Don't hide it Hermione! I know you love me!!"  
  
For a second there, Hermione thought he was serious. That was, of course, before both Little and Big Draco burst into fits of laughter.  
  
"What is so funny???" Hermione blushed furiously – why were they laughing at her???  
  
"Its just that mummy, your face was shocked as if we'd found out some deep, dark . . . daddy, mummy fancies you." Little Draco grinned and began humming the wedding tune and mumbling about wedding bells while Draco blinked and stared at him.  
  
"Little me, don't say things like that, it's . . . evil, to say stuff like that."  
  
"BUT TIS TRUE!!!!!!!!!!! SEE, MUMMY WOULDN'T LOOK SO RED AND EMBARRASSED IF SHE DIDN'T FANCY YOU!!!!!!! And she would have slapped me by now as well, hehe."  
  
Hermione hadn't realised how good an eyesight Little Draco had. Oh, she'd have to do something about that . . .  
  
"SHUT UP!!! THIS IS LIKE THAT NIGHTMARE I HAD JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO!!! Except there isn't an enormous cake with someone trying to kiss me inside it . . ." Draco pondered.  
  
"Hehe," Little Draco laughed, "Yeah, and mummy's the one trying to kiss you!!"  
  
"SHE doesn't like me that way . . . I'm not even sure she even likes me at all . . . do you???" The two Draco's looked at Hermione with their left eyebrows raised. It was kind of creepy to have two people who looked near identical, stare at you and not stop until you answered exactly what they wanted.  
  
"Well . . . erm . . ." Crap, she was never good at lying.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Draco screamed girlishly, looking absolutely petrified, "OH MY GOD, OHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Heh . . ." Hermione hesitated. Maybe she could laugh it off and say it was a joke . . . that was, if she could actually make herself even face the same direction as him . . .  
  
"DON'T SAY ANYTHING YOU . . . YOU . . . BOOB."  
  
Draco hurriedly pulled the covers over his head and began pinching himself. Little Draco stared at him for a while.  
  
"You know mummy, I think daddy's insane, more so than he usually is," Little Draco yawned, "Oh well, if he's still like that in the morning, we can always throw him out of the window, I'm sure no one would care." And with that, the two Draco's began to snore simultaneously.  
  
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The next morning was disastrous. Draco had woken up especially early, just so that he could get out before Hermione and Little D. Once Hermione had actually gotten down to the muggle studies classroom and began to eat breakfast, Draco wouldn't even look at her, even when Little D clung onto his head and stayed there for the rest of breakfast.  
  
"Mummy . . ."  
  
Hermione looked at Draco's head. Little Draco grinned back at her and pointed to Big Draco's head. Hermione grinned as well. For the first time, ever, in her life, Draco Malfoy, THE DRACO MALFOY was BLUSHING. Yes, blushing! Why? . . . I don't know!!!!  
  
"Oo ooooh, daddy, you're blushing, you're blushing cus mummy's looking at you!!!!! OOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!! I DO NOT . . . 'blush'." Draco shuddered at the word.  
  
"OOOOOOO, YEAH YOU DO, OOOOH, LOOK AT YOU!!!!"  
  
"I SAID SHUT UP!!!!!"  
  
"OOOOOH YEAH, HE'S BLUSHING, EVERYONE LOOK, DADDYS BLUSHING!!!!!! OOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
"Grrrr, THAT'S IT!!!!" And with that, Draco began to try and wrestle the small clingy object off of his head.  
  
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH, CHILD ABUSE, CHILD ABUSE!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione snorted as she watched them. Oh what a wonderful world we live in.  
  
Suddenly, she heard a cry from another table, but she chose to ignore it. It couldn't be more important than her eating.  
  
"Excuse me."  
  
Hermione turned around. Someone was bothering her. Couldn't be worth much then.  
  
"Hermione," Seamus began, "You're scaring my only child. Please make them stop."  
  
She stared at him for a while, then at the bawling child in his arms. God they were so useless. Why couldn't they be cruel and heartless yet lovable, like her Little Draco? That way, they could bully people yet not be bothered about it, it was truly incredible really.  
  
"Seamus, its easy to control them," Hermione started, sighing as she picked up a piece of toast, "Little Draco is very easy to manipulate - look." She threw the toast at Little D's head.  
  
"Oooo, toast!!" Little Draco dropped from Big Draco's head, and began to growl at the toast and 'paw' at it with one of his hands.  
  
"Remember Seamus," Hermione continued, "Children are easy to manipulate, think of them as . . . doggies, there's not much difference anyway."  
  
Seamus stared at her for a while before slowly backing away, mumbling something about 'Being around Malfoy for too long . . .'  
  
"Hermione!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
God. It was Serena. GAH.  
  
"Yes . . .?" Hermione said through gritted teeth. It was hard to look at someone who hardly ever looked in the mirror . . .  
  
"Come with me!! Tis time for one of the most brilliant experiments, ever, to begin!!!"  
  
'Oh God she's going to kill me . . .' Hermione couldn't help thinking as she got up slowly, a little Draco hanging onto her foot with a piece of toast stuffed into his mouth.  
  
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"This potion here is called . . . well, actually, it doesn't have a name yet, but we know what it does! It turns the taker into the actual age of their brain, so, if we gave these to your child, and they turned into a six year old – growing two years – that means they had an advanced brain for their age!!! Now, we shall start handing the potions around. Feed them to your child immediately, they won't taste nice when they're cold!"  
  
Everyone was gathered in the great hall at Hogwarts. The wind was blowing through the giant glass windows, sending a chilly breeze down everybody's spine. Either that, or someone had turned the air conditioning on (DO NOT point out that there isn't any air conditioning – MY FIC!).  
  
Serena was now telling everyone what to do – basically try and force down an ugly looking potion into his or her little-ones throats. Not hard, or so it may seem.  
  
Once Serena had handed out all the potions and the couples had each started to try and get their child to drink up, the problems became all too clear. Some were crying and saying how much they hated this world, others were whining, saying it wasn't fair that THEY had to drink it when everyone else refused, and some (namely Little Draco) were screaming about how he was going to get a social worker involved and sue every damn person that got in his way.  
  
"Please Little Draco? Do it for your mummy!"  
  
"NO!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MUMMY!!!!!! A MOTHER WOULD NEVER GIVE HER CHILD SUCH . . . THINGYS!!! I'll call you . . . Hermsi from now on!!!!" Little Draco raised a finger just as Hermione was about to speak. Boy did that child have control.  
  
Hermione turned and glared at Draco who still refused to look at her. She knew he was still in shock, in shock about the fact that SHE fancied him, but it wasn't as if he had never had anyone fancy him before, and now he was just sitting there, looking out of the window at some lady trying to get a coin out of the gutter with her son's half-chewed bubblegum.  
  
"Draco Malfoy! You could at least try and help you're . . . mini-me! See, he isn't even calling me mummy anymore! Imagine!! Not admitting to your own mother!"  
  
"No worries . . . I do that all the time."  
  
"COME AND TRY TO MAKE HIM DRINK IT OR . . . OR . . . I'LL KISS YOU!!!!"  
  
Draco stared wide-eyed at her before leaping up and getting Little Draco in a headlock to try and make him swallow the damned potion.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhh."  
  
"Shut up and drink it you midget!"  
  
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
"GAAAAAH MY BUTTOCKS!!!!!"  
  
"MAAAAAAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!"  
  
Finally, (after many more statements with 'ahhhh' in) Little Draco swallowed the enormous bottle of potion whole . . . and began to cry for the first time ever.  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Shut up. Malfoy's don't cry."  
  
"Well I don't want to be a Malfoy then!!!"  
  
"WHAT??? Be a Malfoy and have power, bully people and take credit for stuff you didn't do, what's so bad about that?"  
  
Little Draco stopped crying, "Yeah, I see what you mean there . . . anyway, I got to go pee pee, wait for me!!!!!"  
  
Little Draco scurried off, his legs crossed and his eyes bulging. Draco stared after him for a minute before laughing an evil laugh that would make Dr Evil proud, "Like hell I'm going to wait for him." And with those words, he ran out of the great hall, not even looking back.  
  
Hermione stared at the place that Draco had been standing just a few seconds ago. He was so immature. Sometimes, she thought Little Draco was even better than him, and THAT MUST be bad. Sigh, why had she fallen for him of all people? Why couldn't it have been Harry? Or Ron? Even SNAPE seemed a better option than him, and he was like, how many years older than her? Oh what a shame  
  
"God, where did he go? I wanted some tips on shaving," A deep voice from behind her woke Hermione from her thoughts. Slowly, she turned around to see who the speaker was.  
  
There, in front of her, stood a 6ft tall boy who looked around seventeen with spiked up, platinum blonde hair. He raised an eyebrow at her.  
  
"I know, my voice has completely freaked. Don't look at me like that Hermsi's, hey, if you REALLY want me to call you mummy again, just say so. I wonder where daddy ran off to . . . you threatened to kiss him again didn't you?????"  
  
Hermione was in shock. Complete shock. Little Draco was no longer LITTLE.  
  
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I know, steering off experiments again, but hey! Everyone likes Little D . . . well, the majority, lol (and now he's not little, wink, wink). Anyways, hooray! I got this done, and on time! I'm so happy! Please review, next chapter I will try to get posted soon, but no promises. But, now I really NEED YOUR ATTENTION.  
  
I am thinking of taking a break from fanfiction.net, just a small break, you know, to clear my head and that sort. I'm only thinking about it, but if you could, please tell me what YOU think about it! PLEASE? 


	17. All grown up

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
'=Thoughts "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
ATTENTION, ATTENTION!!!: I do actually spend much of my time writing all these thanks, SO READ THEM!!!!!!!!!!! ~  
  
^-^ Smileyface1314 ~ Erm . . . I do actually read them over before I post them . . . twice actually, I'm sorry I don't have enough time to read them through again? I can't change anything anyway, cus even if it is confusing (which it always is) its the plot, and plots are kind of really hard to change . . . anyways, thanks for reviewing!  
  
^-^ Fluff ~ Yeah, pretty much everyone was like 'I don't get it' on the last, last chappie, never mind! That chappie wasn't very important anyways, you win some, you lose some. I just you enjoy this chapter!  
  
^-^ Tinuviel Storm ~ Okay, okay, I'll think about the break thing a bit more . . . and no, the whole point of having a break is so that I CAN finish this fic, its really hard to do so . . . and its not helping with the pressure, which is why I am suggesting the break! Lol, don't worry anyways, H and D will get hooked up by the time this fic ends, trust me. Here's the update, and thank you so much for writing such a 'long-ass' review!!! Lol.  
  
^-^ Formerly known as MousaS, Cliche'Brat ~ Lol, actually I don't know if you've told me that, but you have now! So really, it doesn't matter that much. Thanks so much for reviewing, it means a lot to me.  
  
^-^ Milocachica ~ Thanks for reviewing, and yes! I've already reviewed 'Too Late', it's really good! *Cheesy Grin * Now, the Little Draco thing, he isn't DRACO DRACO, just, a bigger Draco and his appearance you will find out more about if you just read this chapter (and if you still don't, then you can ask . . . again! Lol) Oh, and sorry for making you feel like you should say sorry, lol, thanks again for reviewing!  
  
^-^ Gina ~ Hehe, yeah, wouldn't it be cool if we could have like, a real life Draco running around? Oh wait, how about TWO. HEHEHEHEH, lol, sorry, hyperness freak or what! Most people liked the line you liked as well . . . oh and thanks for the review dudette!  
  
^-^ Midnight Solitaire ~ Howdy! I haven't heard from you for a while, and its nice to know you're reading, lol! Anyway, a week wouldn't really be a break, I mean, I take a week to update! I would never give this fic up anyway, if I had a break, I'd just relax and laze about a bit, get some homework done, etc. I would eventually get back to it after a month or so . . . and anyways, I'm still considering! Thanks for reviewing!  
  
^-^ Paprika90 ~ YAY! Lol, you're the only person (so far down my list) that has agreed to me having a break! I am only considering, it was just that I was like, panicking and getting paranoid (as you do . . .) but I might not have a break at all, it really depends . . . anyways, thanks mucho for your review, meant a lot to me!  
  
^-^ Slammin-Sorceress ~ Aw thanks a bunch! I really hope you enjoy this chappie as well, and also review it afterwards, now that would be awesome!  
  
^-^ Dracoluver2009 ~ Lol, thanks so much! I was kind of scared when I changed Little Draco that people would be like, oh no, he's no longer cute and adorable! Well, that's why I changed him into a fit and good-looking teenager, so I'm so glad that you like him again! Lol.  
  
^-^ Spaced Out Spaced Cadet ~ YAY! YOU REVIEWED! AGAIN! Lol, you review so often I'm scared you think I'm taking you for granted, lol, and thanks again for saying all the things that you do! I'll try to update ASAP!  
  
^-^ Anonymous ~ Yeah, I guess I'm not exactly a very fast updater anymore, but compared to others (which I can mention but won't), I'm pretty okay! Lol, I don't know if a break will be for the better to be honest, maybe I'll be even more blank and useless . . . well, its an option – you can never be entirely sure of what's going to happen!  
  
^-^ Cereza ~ BOB SHALL BE THE BOMB!!! Lol, he would just look so cute dressed in a tiny little suit, hehehe, god, you are hilarious dude . . . thanks so much for reviewing!  
  
^-^ Some12 ~ Thanks for the review, and what you said! Hehehe, that is so cool that your friend's family is adopting someone!!! It sounds so cute! Lol, but it so totally sucks that you have to eat only stuff like jelly – nothing against jelly or nothing – I LOOOVE JELLY!!! Lol, anyways, toodles for now!  
  
^-^ Pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ Lol, okay . . . but I'm still THINKING about it . . .  
  
^-^ Natyslacks ~ Hiya natyslacks, yeah, that's what another reviewer said as well! I'm glad you reckon having two 'big' Draco's are good though – more to go around (hehehe)! I am only thinking about the break (I keep telling everyone) so I don't know . . . I'm not even sure if it'll do me any good or not . . .  
  
^-^ Rupy ~ Lol, thanks rupy, for the review and everything, you know. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chappie, and review afterwards! (Hint, hint)  
  
^-^ BeanTaiPaw ~ Hehe, THAT'S BECAUSE HE IS A REALLY HOT GUY NOW! Lol, I needed to make him hot because otherwise everyone would just miss Little Draco (being little) too much.  
  
^-^ Eventuality ~ Yeah, even I feel kind of sorry for Hermione, and I wrote this fic . . . oh well, its not like her hell is going to last forever! Thank you very much for the review, I hope (if you're reading this) that you enjoy the chappie, and tell me what you think in a review! Thanks  
  
^-^ NewSecretRose ~ Wow, thanks for reviewing so many times! I FEEL SO SPECIAL! *Sniff * Lol, really, thanks a lot!! I'm so glad you enjoyed the first chapter so much and everything, it means so much to any author to know that someone likes their fic so much, and I'm no different! You should know though, you write! Lol. Anyways, thanks again for everything you wrote – the first review for the first chapter was long enough for you to write NO reviews for the rest of them! Heh, I'm not picky.  
  
^-^ ShortStuff10 ~ Lol, okay Ding, the reason why I asked the reviewers what they thought of me having a break is basically cus' I don't even know myself – so its always nice to hear some opinions! I still don't know now, but if I really get annoyed of typing then yeah, I'll post a note to say! I'll probably get murdered and never get to finish this fic but whoopee doo . . .  
  
^-^ Burgundyred ~ No, Hermione won't get mixed up between Lil' D (who's not really little any more) and Big Draco cus' they look alike but . . . are different, if that made any sense. Anyway, you're taking a break? Well, that's good for you! I can only say that I hope you're back soon . . . I'm not sure about me having a break cus' it is okay writing each chappie now that I've been back from my holiday, but it's just that sometimes I just get annoyed of typing anything and I just want to sit and do nothing. Thanks for reviewing, its nice to know you're still reading!!! YAY  
  
^-^ Detrianelle ~ Hey, thanks for the review, and thanks for putting me on you're list of thingys! (I would type what list but I've been typing all day and I'm beginning to get annoyed, hehe) Here's the update! I really do hope you enjoy this chappie, and review afterwards too, now after I finish writing the thanks, I'll get on with the next chapter . . .  
  
^-^ Fairy Lights ~ Don't worry, lol, I will carry on with this fic for as long as I love Harry Potter – and I swore that I would forever! Lol, I'm awful at spelling too, and I have to admit, some ideas I can't exactly take credit for, some of them are from reviewers that have wonderful imaginations, and some of them are mine . . . the beginning ones are mostly mine because then, no one really bothered to think . . . lol.  
  
^-^ Heylolover ~ Okay, I'll try to keep them in character – to be honest, I didn't really think they were in character, so thanks a lot for saying so! More kissing will come soon, I finally have an image to how it's going to end! Actually, not exactly an image to end it, but a (very, very) general idea . . . oh, and thanks for the review!!  
  
^-^ Aku-neko ~ Really? Sorry, I do try and edit all my chapters before posting them, but you know, sometimes you just miss stuff out . . . someone reviewed and pointed out that I spelt favourite wrong and that it was favorite, I found out that my way of spelling it is the British way, and their way is the American way. However, I know I do spell a lot of words wrong (sometimes deliberately), and my grammar is absolutely AWFUL (I should revise but I'm lazy, hehe) but that 'favourite' accusation was something I shall not admit to!! . . . You know, I think I should be blabbing this to the person who accused me and not you . . . my apologies!  
  
^-^ Luza ~ Well, Hermione and Draco are both in the last year of Hogwarts, so they're both seventeen. Thanks for the review!!! I hope you like this chappie as well.  
  
^-^ Victoria Lee ~ Love scenes . . . okay, I will try, but its hard to keep them in character, in love, and keep humour in as well. Oh and favourite is spelt like that in Britain, its spelt like how you spelt it (favorite) in America (which is where you're from I'm guessing), so technically, I didn't spell anything wrong. Thanks for reviewing so many times!  
  
^-^ Happigolucki616 ~ HI!! Lol, thanks a lot for reviewing this, and commenting on what was in it too, (hardly any of my reviewers actually do that) Lol, if you kill me for having a break, then I will never finish this fic cus I'm dead, HA! SO I KNOW YOU CANNOT KILL ME! Lol.  
  
^-^ Angel-dolpin1 ~ Thanks, he's cute even now? Wow.  
  
^-^ UntitledN'stayinthatway ~ Well, Little Draco isn't older than Draco exactly, he is exactly the same age as Draco, and by exactly, I mean, EXACTLY. Lol, same time and everything! I guess this might make everything even more confusing . . . nevermind!!  
  
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: All grown up  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, how many times have I said it? Obviously, not enough. You know, I don't understand myself. I'm annoyed of typing disclaimers in every chapter, but really, I don't NEED to type disclaimers in every chapter! I know, you're thinking, how thick, but now, you see that a girl of my intelligence (or lack of it) cannot own something as great as Harry Potter! Agreed?  
  
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"OH, MY, LORDIE LORD."  
  
Hermione continued to gape at the once small and adorable boy. Now, he was a tall, fit, overall good-looking teenager with spiked up platinum blonde hair and a grin that she knew would make any girl weak at the knees. How absurd.  
  
"Would you stop gaping at me Hermsi? You're really creeping me out now," Little Draco (not appropriate name, but nevermind) frowned at her. His voice was too deep to be not creepy.  
  
"Erm . . . have you looked in the mirror lately?" Hermione asked. He looked at her as though he was about to cry.  
  
"YOU'RE INSULTING ME AREN'T YOU????? I KNEW I WAS UGLY ALL ALONG!!!!!"  
  
Little Draco began to start yelling and hitting random objects (like Neville) as Hermione realised that unless she told him with exact words what she meant, he was never going to get the message. She sighed and patted him to try and stop him from hitting anything else, and surprisingly enough, he did. He looked down at her.  
  
"Did you shrink or something Hermsi? You look really weird from up here," Little Draco pondered as he waved down at her.  
  
"No, Lil' D, you grew about 5and a half ft actually. Go look at yourself in the window glass and you'll see what I mean."  
  
Immediately, Little Draco strode over to a nearby window and peered at his reflection before grinning, "Boy am I gorgeous!"  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes, "No!!! YOU'RE BLOODY SEVENTEEN!!!!"  
  
He looked at her for a minute before grinning and winking at her, "Oh yeah, that too."  
  
"SERENA!!!!!! I THINK THE POTION WENT WRONG!!!!!!" Hermione yelled. Serena soon came rushing over, holding a tea towel and a can of bug disinfectant.  
  
"Okay! Where is that little twerp?"  
  
"Up here."  
  
Little Draco waved and grinned a cheeky smile. Serena looked at him and soon ran away, her cheeks flushed and her can of disinfectant forgotten on the dirty pub floor.  
  
"You know something Hermsi," Little Draco said as he patted her on the head and began to lean on her, "There's some things that I never realised until I got seventeen. Like, that Serena girl is ugly, so is her, and her, and her, and her . . . oh and her too. AND, those uniforms you have to wear don't do anything for the girls . . . oh and she's ugly too. Now . . . I wonder how many of these mingers I can kiss before sunset . . ."  
  
Hermione sighed as Little Draco continued to point out the 'mingers' (which was practically the entire population of Hogwarts). Looked like Little D was going to be just like his 'father'. . .  
  
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"SIXTEEN!!!! SIXTEEN!!!!!!!!!!!" Little Draco beamed at Hermione, "Oh yeah, I'm good, oh yeah, I'm good! Who's good? I'M GOOD." He sang, doing a little victory dance.  
  
It was now the end of the day, and the students of Hogwarts were now climbing the stairs towards their rooms. Still, Hermione could not find Draco anywhere. He'd probably gone and fell down a ditch knowing him. She sighed. Now she was stuck with Little Draco, babbling on about how many girls he had kissed before sunset. Oh how shallow.  
  
"But you know Hermsi, I didn't just go around kissing ugly people all day," Little Draco stated matter-of-factly, "I was talking to some of the lads around here. I wanted to know who was the one girl who was the hardest to kiss, you know why, everyone likes a challenge . . ."  
  
"And . . .?" Hermione looked around for any sign of Draco. They were nearing the portrait that led to the rooms now, and still he wasn't there. Curse him.  
  
"It was you."  
  
"Uh-huh . . . what?????"  
  
"HA! Only joking, it was actually this really pudgy looking girl in Hufflepuff. I knew you weren't listening to me. You're looking for father aren't you?"  
  
Hermione raised an eyebrow, "Father? When was it ever 'father'?"  
  
"I've grown! You know that! See – LOOK AT THESE MUSCLES!!!" Little D flexed his muscles. Hermione snorted. Damn Draco – the big one. He probably was randomly walking around, thinking of places that he could hide and get away from her. It was at times like these that Hermione wished she would just not like him anymore, but nooooo, her stupid heart always had to go make the dumb decisions.  
  
They entered the room and clapped to switch the light on (Little Draco got confused and clapped too many times, making the curtains go forwards and backwards and forwards again). There, on the bed was Draco, fiddling with one of Hermione's stuffed teddy bears – trying to make them do some sort of freaky dance routine.  
  
"Finally!!" Draco cried, "I though you would –  
  
He blinked and looked from Hermione to Little Draco, to Hermione, and back to Little Draco again. Slowly, he stood up and circled them twice, before grabbing Hermione's arm and pulling her into the bathroom.  
  
"Who on earth is he???"  
  
Hermione looked at him. He looked angry, and annoyed, and also, slightly . . . jealous? Hehe . . . she could work with this . . .  
  
"Oh, he's this guy who won't stop stalking me, so I asked Dumbledore for permission to keep him, and guess what he said? YES!!!"  
  
"Yeah, well . . . you can tell him to bugger off cus' I'm the good looking one around here, and you like ME, not him!!! That . . . that . . ."  
  
"Handsome hunk of meat?"  
  
Draco's face turned from angry to horrified. Hermione couldn't take it any longer. She burst into fits of laughter before opening the bathroom door and peering round it at Little Draco – who was now doing Big Draco's funny dance routine with Hermione's teddy bear.  
  
"God, Lil' D, you should have seen his face . . ."  
  
"HE'S, HE'S . . . HE'S ME????????" Draco pointed to Little Draco, his expression now something between demented, and badly demented.  
  
"Yes, I know it's hard to believe," Little Draco sighed, "I am so much more handsome than you . . . but honestly, Little Draco was so five minutes ago! I need a better name, a name with style . . . . . ." He drifted off, apparently deep in thought.  
  
"You lied to me Hermione!!!!" Draco cried, apparently deep in thought.  
  
"Yes, I know."  
  
"WHY?????????"  
  
"You were jealous - it was amusing." Hermione shrugged. Like she needed a reason to torture him . . .  
  
"Yeah, well, its not like I . . . LIKE you or anything," Draco stated, a slight hint of red on his cheeks. He folded his arms and stared sideways at her, looking rather embarrassed.  
  
"I didn't ask you know."  
  
Silence as Hermione stared at Draco, and he stared back. For a moment there, Hermione thought he might like her back the way she did, and then she remembered that this was Draco Malfoy, the one who never felt the same as anyone else i.e. the weirdo . . .  
  
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Waking up early. Sometimes, it's a good thing, like; when you have to get to school or work early, and when you have something to finish off (last- minute) and you couldn't be bothered to do it the night before, but everything in this world has its ups and downs.  
  
Waking up early is a very bad thing, for example, when you toss and turn and have to get more sleep but can't, and you just know cus' you've woken up so early, you're going to fall asleep in the classroom, or in the office, but in this case, it is a bad thing when you have two very cute people sleeping soundly next to you, and all you want to do is snuggle up to them and smell their gorgeous hair.  
  
That's right everyone, Hermione had woken up at 3:00am, and soon found that Little Draco (whether he wants to be called that now or not) had crawled in next to her in the middle of the night for some reason she didn't know. Now, both Draco's were drooling on their pillows, and snoring at exactly the same time. To be honest, it was really kind of creepy.  
  
She looked to her right, and saw Lil' D snoring peacefully. Now, she didn't fancy him or anything, but she had to admit, that he looked darn cute in those too-small-for-him PJ's and his hair ruffled. How sweet . . . she hoped he would never wake up.  
  
To her left was the original Draco, sleeping soundly – or so she thought. She bent down towards his head, wondering whether he would wake if she stroked his hair. It looked so soft, so nice, so . . . wow.  
  
"Don't even think about it."  
  
She quickly shrunk her hand back to its original place as Draco shot up and glared at her. What was he? Some human hair touching reactor??????????  
  
"You were going to touch my hair, don't even try denying it, Hermione!" If it weren't so dark in the bed, Hermione would have sworn that he looked like a maniac (not that he didn't anyway).  
  
"I was only trying to . . ."  
  
"TOUCH MY HAIR!!!!" Draco spat at her, "For gods sake I know it looks tempting but I am ashamed of you! As Head Girl and Hogwarts most respectful student, you should know better!!!"  
  
"Shut up," Hermione whispered, peering behind her to check that Little Draco was still asleep, "I'll just touch Little D's hair then!"  
  
Slowly, she turned around and stretched out her hand cautiously above his head. Carefully, and quietly, she lowered her hand slowly towards the smooth platinum blonde hair . . .  
  
"NO ONE TOUCHES MY HAIR!!!!!!!!" Little Draco shot up, his eyes wide and his expression like a mad man.  
  
Hermione sighed. Little Draco was just like big Draco – which she guess was kind of good, but . . . mostly bad. She glared at the two Draco's, one who was just avoiding any form of eye contact with her, whilst the other was grinning broadly at her while glaring as well. In particular, she glared at Big Draco, trying to get him to at least glare back at her, but no, he just kept on staring at the bed curtains. Damn him.  
  
"You know Hermsi," Little Draco began, looking at her in a rather weird way, "In the dark, you look kind of hot."  
  
Hermione stared at him. Was it her, or did one of the Draco's just compliment her? Either way, it was too freaky.  
  
"Okay . . . I think I'm going to go to sleep now . . ."  
  
She quickly pulled the duvet back over herself. Little Draco grinned, "Yeah, I'll go to sleep too . . ." He pulled the duvet back over himself, and swiftly slung an arm around Hermione. She goggled at him.  
  
"What . . . are . . . you . . . doing, exactly?"  
  
"Cuddling up to a girl, nothing unusual," Little Draco stated, sighing and pulling Hermione closer to him (which, you can imagine, was rather freaking her out – I mean, GET REAL, it isn't everyday that you have someone as fit and cute as Little Draco putting his arm around you . . .)  
  
She glanced towards Draco (the original one) and saw (much to her delight) that he looked absolutely furious, not to mention murderous as he glared at Little Draco. Hehe, she might actually get some good sleep tonight . . .  
  
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It was now seven in the morning, and Hermione had just awoken for about thirty seconds . . . before she got a banging headache.  
  
"I can do what I like!"  
  
"No you can't!! Not with HER! She's . . ."  
  
"Special? Well how come when you found out that she fancied you, you couldn't even look her in the face? YOU'RE IGNORING HER!!!"  
  
Hermione slowly crept out of the four-poster towards the bathroom, and who else was there but Little Draco, and Big Draco. She was about to enter the room and ask what they were arguing about, when the Draco's began to talk (or rather, shout) once again.  
  
"Well . . . its not exactly something you would have thought!!!!!"  
  
"Still!!! You're upsetting her by not paying her any attention!!!! If you DO like her in that way then tell her and if you don't then tell her that too!!! I like her and YOU can't do anything to stop ME from trying!!!" Little Draco prodded Draco in the stomach, making him squirm. It was quite amusing to see the once small-enough-to-climb-on-Draco's-head Little Draco, now glare down at his 'father'.  
  
"Who exactly is this, SHE, you're on about?" Hermione interrupted, tapping her foot on the bathroom tiles. Of course, she wasn't that dense not to know it was HER they were on about, but, she wanted to hear it from them.  
  
Little Draco and Big Draco had exactly the same expression on their faces - horror.  
  
"Erm," Little Draco stuttered, his cheeks slightly flushed, "We were talking about . . . the hair gel!!! Yeah, THE HAIR GEL!!!! It's a she, and we named her . . . Maria . . ." Little Draco grinned unconvincingly.  
  
"Right, so . . . Maria the 'hair gel' fancies DRACO, huh Little D???"  
  
"Please, Hermione, call me . . . Draco."  
  
"WHAT???????" Draco (original) glared at Little Draco (or, 'Drako'), "THAT'S MY NAME. AND WASN'T SHE YOUR MUMMY A FEW DAYS AGO?????"  
  
"Ha!" 'Drako' (Drako with k is Lil' D, and Draco with a c is original Draco) laughed, "I spell it with k, not an ugly c like you! And anyways, mummy was SOOOO two days ago."  
  
Hermione tried not to laugh. As mean as it was, the sight of someone as calm and collected as Draco Malfoy, literally shaking with rage was just too much to handle . . .  
  
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Next day, another experiment (I think) I am getting the romance in, although it is slow. I hope you all still like Little Draco (I've tried to make him as cute as possible – not a Gary Stu though, he is no where near perfect – by this I mean his stupid-ness at most times, his clumsiness etc.) so you know, if there's something you want to me to change, then tell me in a REVIEW! Thanks dudes! ^-^  
  
PS. Little Draco is now 'Drako'. It's pronounced the same as Draco, the reason why its spelt differently is because I don't want people to be confused (well, more confused that they already are anyway). However, due to my lack of a memory, I may refer to him as Lil' D once again (probably by accident).  
  
PPS. You guys, last chappie I mentioned a break, now I'm not even sure about that. The thing is people say do what you want, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!!! Lol, I just . . . I'm just really confused. So, if I am having a break, I will tell you at the time, but until then, we shall forget about it! YAY  
  
PPPS. Confused again? Ask what is confusing you, not in a forceful way please cus' I am paranoid about everything. Please don't just say you're confused and don't say why. I'm stressed. BADLY. 


	18. A normal day at the land of Hogwarts

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
'=Thoughts "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
Thanks a lot to these people, and remember, YOU MUST READ THE THANKS!! Or next chapter shall come slower:  
  
~ Natyslacks ~ Thanks! And it was nice talking to you the other day, anyways, I'm definitely trying to get the jealousy in (as you shall soon see, or, read). Thanks again for reviewing!  
  
~ Cereza ~ LOL, God your review is so funny! Thanks a bunch of bananas (or, if you prefer, cheese) for reviewing this fic! You were so right in what you said for the review, and I think Bob would look abs fabs in that sailor suit!! WOW!!!!!!!! Lol, thanks again! I hope you like this chapter!!!  
  
~ Milocachica ~ Yes, Drako is supposed to sound more hot than Draco! The reason why is cus' this fic is mostly from Hermi's point of view, so if I make it to sound like Drako is fitter than Draco, than obviously, Draco would get more jealous (hehe), lol, thanks for the review, I hope you update your fic soon!  
  
~ Some12 ~ Lol, thanks, and a Gary-Stu is the male equivalent to a Mary- sue. And if you don't know what Mary-sue is (I didn't until last month . . .), then it's a mad-up character (which the author owns itself) and its like, perfect in every way and everyone fancies it (you know, whether they're gay, lesbian, straight . . .). So, I hope that made it clearer! Tata for now!  
  
~ Cleopatra ~ Hehe, nothing can ever be too long! Or too short (just hinting in case you think this chapter is short . . .), thanks for reviewing, and you're from Germany? Cool O.O Sorry, I don't normally socialise with anyone outside of my country . . . lol, thanks again! Here's the update!  
  
~ Burgundyred ~ Yeah, I see what you mean by the 'k' is annoying . . . but I can't spell it with anything else, sozzy. I'm glad you think the last chappie was 'cute', lol, I didn't exactly understand it, but then again, I'm kind of . . . slow **raises eyebrow** Lol, thanks again, and no need to thank me for reviewing, you're fics are awesome! MUST UPDATE THEM SOON . . . (no pressure or anything . . .)  
  
~ Ding ~ Hey Ding, well, I'm updating, so you should too! Heh . . . I didn't really understand what you meant by saying that Drako sounded like Draco (well, it is supposed to be read the same way as Draco) except . . . bigger . . . no I didn't understand that at all. Thanks for reviewing by the way! Much appreciated.  
  
~ Tears-That-Fall ~ Well . . . as long as you actually get your homework done, I'm fine with you getting distracted from doing it immediately . . . lol, I do that all the time! Anyways, thanks for the review!!!  
  
~ IceCristal ~ Yay! It wasn't confusing! For once! Lol, yeah, everyone was like, oh dear, two Draco's not a good thing for Hermi, but now, everyone is jealous of her! EVEN ME!! How unfair, and no, sorry, I don't know where to buy a Draco . . . try the local super market . . .  
  
~ Draco is mine3 ~ Thanks, here's the update, really hope you like, and also hope you review as well! Lol  
  
~ Eventuality ~ Yeah, I know he was over the top, but I guess that was the point! Lol, I think you knew that as well, but nevermind, lol, anyways, thanks a lot for reviewing! Hugz!  
  
~ Midnight Solitaire ~ Aw, thanks a lot! That's really soooo nice of you to say so!!! I hope you like this chapter . . . I'm just thinking that a lot of people might protest to it . . . I'm afraid that this fic will have to end soon (please read ending author's note). Oh well, all good (and bad) things have to end!! (Sob)  
  
~ Gina ~ Gah, I know, fanfiction gets really annoying sometimes, I mean . . . I don't know what I mean, it just is annoying! Lol, anyway, thanks a bundle for not dropping this fic! The romance is definitely here for once, so read on and find out! Lol!  
  
~ Anonymous ~ No, thank YOU, for reviewing, saying what you did, and spending your precious time on this fic! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Lol, I hope you like this chapter . . . I have a feeling some people might not . . . don't ask why, just a 'feeling'.  
  
~ Pyroprincess4rmeverwood ~ Lol, okay, okay, I will try to get the romance in, the whole point of Drako hitting on Hermione is so that DRACO gets a chance to show what he thinks, took me forever to even understand what I was doing . . . and I am me!! Lol, if that made any sense at all, thanks for reviewing anyways!  
  
~ Klee_babe ~ Howdy mate! I like Draco jealous and evil (although he's always evil anyways) too! I mean, who doesn't? Lol, thanks for reviewing, here's the update, please enjoy!  
  
~ Legessa ~ Aw, thanks so much!! For spending time to read, and review!! Now all I'm scared of is that I'll disappoint everyone . . . Gah, the troubles of a teenage writer . . . lol, I'm such a worrywart, and I panic WAY too much, nevermind eh? As long as I get the chapters out . . .  
  
~ NewSecretRose ~ Lol, I'm glad you liked it!!! Lol, sorry, mental image of you running around and shouting random things . . . hmm, the wonders of a brain . . . and LMAO, I was rolling on the floor laughing when I read your second review, I mean, I could just see it now . . . lol, and you know something? I've never seen Dora the Explorer . . .  
  
~UntitledN'stayinthatway ~ Thanks for reviewing! And don't worry about it, I get so easily distracted, it took me forever just to remember to post the chapter for god's sake . . . or maybe that's just laziness?  
  
~ Paprika90 ~ Lol, every review you send means a lot to me!!! Even if you said something really horrible (personally, I think those people need a life), thanks for reminding me about the break! I'm still thinking about it, I mean, if I did take a break, I won't exactly tell anyone when I'll be back, cus' even I don't know, and I would just spend my time finishing this fic anyways!  
  
~ Christina ~ Thanks! A select few of people that are reviewing are telling me to get the romance on, which, I guess I should, seeing as this fic is about nineteen chapters long, and the romance has JUST come in, strange huh? And yeah, I hate those fics as well, I mean, its like they're doing it as love at first site, but they've seen each other for years and that hasn't happened! I just don't get it . . . anyway, thanks again for reviewing!  
  
~ Gizelle ~ Lol, yeah, I know its very odd, and I know its very confusing, loads of people have been saying that for . . . well, forever really. And yeah, Draco's father is dead, I meant when he said that he wanted to owl his father, if his father was still alive, he would. That would be the reason why he didn't owl his father. Anyways, thanks for the review! I hope you understand this chapter more!  
  
~ Aku-neko ~ Hey, thanks for the review, and yeah, that line was the best! THE BEST! Well, if you say so that is, lol. You can have Drako if you want . . . but alas, by the end of this chapter, you might have a different opinion . . .  
  
~ Fluff ~ Aw thanks, someone else said the last chappie was cute, I mean, was it really cute? Or is it just cus' people need a word to say. Drako isn't a man-whore . . . exactly * raises eyebrow * Lol, anyway, thanks again for the review, you rock!  
  
~ Smileyface1314 ~ YAY! REVIEW! But I have a question, what's a post- script? I know, so I sound kind of dumb, nevermind, only natural, lol. Thanks for reviewing this and gems! HUGZ  
  
~ Callie ~ Thank you so much for reviewing!! Here's the update, I am praying that you will enjoy it, please review after you've read it so I know what you think!!!  
  
~ Enchanted Phyre ~ Lol, wow, lots of the word update! Lol, anyway, thanks for reviewing, and for saying what you liked (some people just say thanks and that was it) I really hope you like this chappie, but you'll never know until you read it!  
  
~ Spaced Out Space Cadet ~ Hehe, thanks so much, and you know something? I like you, lol, random, I know, and it is nice to know you know that I don't take you, or anyone else, for granted! Lol, but honestly, I say it in case some daft idiot, DOESN'T know that, thanks again anyways, and I hope you enjoy this chappie!  
  
~ Mariah ~ Thank you so much for your review, and what you said, and also, yes, sorry about the confusion, what can I say? I'm a very confusing person, so naturally, what I write would be confusing . . . if only this was a film, now THAT would rock. . . .  
  
~ Tinuviel Storm ~ Hmm . . . about Lil Big D, well, Drako to be perfectly clear, he's having a little tiny change right at the end of the chapter!!! If you want to know what I mean, then you must read on and then find out what I mean! And also, I would truly appreciate it if you could review afterwards as well!  
  
~ Shoshi ~ Aw thanks, I don't read fics first time I see them, I like more developed fics, so I can read more chapters and stuff . . . and then I forget that I've already read them and I read them again! Lol, I think I'm just strange, thanks for reviewing!  
  
~ Sesshyluver03 ~ OMG I was so excited when I saw your name!!! Sesshy, which is equal to Sesshoumaru-sama from the best anime ever, INUYASHA!!!!!! OMG. Sorry, I just never expected that an Inuyasha fan would ever read my fic, wow. I am so happy. Lol, I really hope you read this! Not just the chapter, but the thanks as well! THANKS!!! Oh and by the way, which one is better, Sesshoumaru or Inuyasha? * Grin *  
  
~ Cliche'Brat ~ Lol, you are the third person who says its cute! Then its official, it must have been cute!!! Thanks for the review dude!  
  
~ SweetCheeksDracoLuver ~ First, thanks so much for reviewing SO MANY times!! Omg, that was so funky of you!! Lol, and I were laughing so much at your reviews too, and that one about your brother!! LOL. FABULOUS. AWESOME!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Lol, I really hope you like this chappie, thanks again!  
  
~ Dragon-rose-vine ~ Here's the update, and I am really sorry about this, but I'm afraid that Drako will have to stay, for the reason that he's there to help the romance get along a bit more, and also, most people like him. Really sorry.  
  
~ pink-neon ~ Lol, that's funny that I'm updating for your sanity and yet I seem to have non whatsoever, lol, anyway, thanks for reviewing! I owe you one!  
  
~ Zinok ~ Hehe, yes, Little Draco, or Drako, is very cute, well he's supposed to be anyways, I mean, who wouldn't like two Draco's? (I have a person in mind but that's beside the point) Anyways, thanks for reviewing, enjoy the chappie!  
  
~ Happigolucki616 ~ Hey, no fair!! I hate my chubby cheeks, they annoy me well badly, and I'm just like, ahhhh, lol, anyway, thanks for the review, and being specific too, cus' hardly anyone ever is specific in a review, but I guess its okay as long as they actually do review . . .  
  
~ Fairy Lights ~ Thank you for the review! And yes, I think it's hilarious when two boys fit for a girl, which is why I put it in! That type of thing amuses me so much . . . lol, pathetic huh? Anyways, here's the chappie (it took long enough)  
  
CHAPTER NINETEEN: A normal day at the land of Hogwarts.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter, now, if it was owned by me, and everyone knew this, then the plot plans would have been stolen by now, and everyone would have known the ending of Harry Potter by now! And also, if I did really own Harry Potter, then it would have been crap . . . hehehe . . .  
  
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"Bad news everyone," Serena stood and tapped her spoon on some random object next to her, "Experiments today have been cancelled due to the fact that some goblins attacked our supply truck and ate all the tablets, potions, and all that rubbish. So, we have nothing to use for an experiment . . . apart from brooms, a few cloaks, and some dodgy wands we got given by some twins that called themselves Gred and Feorge."  
  
Ron coughed, 'trying' to look innocent. It was now the morning and all of the 7th years were gathered in the Great Hall.  
  
"So today, you shall go to you're lessons like you would if we were not here," Serena continued, "However, we have prepared special time tables for each pair and their child, okay, for some, TEENAGERS (at this she glanced at Drako). The three of you will be chained together with handcuffs. So, when I call you're names out, please come up here to be chained up please!"  
  
Hermione groaned and hoped that Serena had forgotten she was alive and hopefully never call her name out . . . EVER.  
  
"Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy and Drako Malfoy!!!!"  
  
"FOR GODS SAKE HE'S NOT ME!!!!" Draco screamed, standing and pointing his finger into Drako's nose (ew . . .).  
  
"No one ever said I was you," Drako scrunched his nose up, making Draco stare at his finger in disgust as it wriggled out of 'the nose', "I told you before. I am I, and you are . . . some other person. You're not important."  
  
Draco could be seen shaking his fist at Drako, obviously trying to resist the temptation to punch his oh-so-handsome face.  
  
When finally, the two Draco's had stopped their fight of 'shaking fists', Serena dragged them over to Hermione (who was already stood by the doors of the Great Hall). She got two pink puffy handcuffs and chained Draco's hand to Hermione's right, and Drako's hand to Hermione's left.  
  
"Okay, now you three head towards your first lesson!" Serena exclaimed, stuffing the timetable into Hermione's robe pocket, "By the way, its History of magic so don't bother looking at your sheet."  
  
Hermione pushed the door open with both her hands, making Drako and Draco raise one of their arms as well. She wondered whether Serena had memorised her timetable, and if she had, how come she wasn't chained to someone? Oh well, at least Drako and Draco was nice to look at – for a while anyway.  
  
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History of magic was never the most exciting of subjects at Hogwarts. Now, just because someone was chained to two lush boys didn't make it any more interesting. Hermione yawned and looked to her right. Draco was sitting and staring at her sideways, a scowl on his face. She looked to her left. Drako's eyelids were getting heavier and heavier . . .  
  
"Does anyone know why Slytherin died?" Professor Binns drawled. He didn't sound any more excited than the students felt.  
  
Drako raised his hand surprisingly enough. Stifling a yawn, he said, "Because you talked him to sleep?"  
  
Hermione nudged him in the ribs. He was already dead; he didn't need Drako to make him dead-er.  
  
"Incorrect Mr Malfoy."  
  
"Please, call me Drako."  
  
"GOD DAMN YOU, I AM DRACO, ME, ME, ME, NOT YOU!!!!!!!" Draco screamed, "He's not even a Malfoy!!!!!!!!!! I AM!!!!"  
  
"Settle down Mr Malfoys, you are both the same. Now that is settled, let's continue with how Gryffindor died . . ."  
  
Hermione yawned again. Normally, she could listen and learn what Professor Binn's was saying, but today it was too much of an effort. All she wanted to do was sleep . . . on someone's shoulders.  
  
"If you want to sleep, you're welcome to borrow my shoulder," Drako whispered into her ear. She shuddered. It felt so . . . ticklish, but still, an offer was an offer, and his shoulder did look very comfortable . . .  
  
"No . . ." Draco hissed through gritted teeth, "She can borrow MY shoulder."  
  
"Oh no, you're shoulder bone is sticking out, mine is much more comfy you know."  
  
"Well if my shoulder bone is sticking out then so is yours! Remember, you're an exact copy of me –  
  
"Except much more handsome and with better skin."  
  
"Better skin? What do you mean by better skin?" Draco's eyes flashed dangerously. Drako grinned and whispered, "We shouldn't keep poor Hermione waiting for a nice shoulder to sleep on. Use mine." Drako pushed Hermione's head onto his shoulder, making Draco clench his fists under the table.  
  
"No, use mine." Draco pushed Hermione's head onto his shoulder.  
  
"Mine." Drako pushed her head back onto his shoulder.  
  
"No, mine." Draco pushed it back onto his shoulder.  
  
"MINE." And back to Drako.  
  
"NO, MINE." And back to Draco again.  
  
It was surprising that even though the Draco's were hissing so loudly, no one noticed. Most people were asleep anyway, so Hermione guessed it wasn't very surprising that no one noticed. As flattered as Hermione felt that two boys were fighting over possession of her head, she was starting to feel as though her head was a basketball . . .  
  
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"Hey, do you still feel hungry? You can have a bite of my sandwich if you like," Drako offered to Hermione. Hermione smiled gratefully at him. She was rather hungry. After all, Ron was opposite her, and two Ron's (Ron and Ron Jr.) were more than enough to eat all the food on the Gryffindor table.  
  
"Thanks Drako."  
  
"Don't eat HIS sandwich," Draco glared at Drako angrily, "Its got chicken in it, chicken is fattening. Eat MY sandwich, its got nice healthy salad."  
  
Drako glared back at him, "Oh, are you trying to say that Hermione is fat now? Is that why she can't eat chicken? THAT IS AN INSULT!!!" Drako turned to Hermione and smiled a smile that Hermione was sure would make any girl weak at the knees, "Don't worry, I still think you're gorgeous."  
  
Hermione smiled, "Thanks."  
  
Drako looked at Draco and stuck his tongue out at him, "Well, I think . . ." Draco searched for something to say, "I think you should eat my sandwich!"  
  
"No, mine!"  
  
"MINE!!!"  
  
"MINE!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Grrrr . . ." The two Draco's growled at each other as everyone stared at the pair. Off course, it was not everyday that you see two spoilt rich kids pretending to be dogs.  
  
"If it makes you both happy, I'll eat both sandwiches! Just calm down!"  
  
"Okay," Drako grinned, "Eat mine first."  
  
"NO, MINE FIRST!!!!"  
  
"MINE!!!"  
  
"MINE!!!!"  
  
"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Hermione had had enough. She had never had two boys fighting over her and she had just realised that she didn't like it at all. As flattered as she was, she would rather people NOT know that two men were fighting over here – damn Serena for chaining her to them and ruining her plans for escape . . .  
  
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"Now, Mr Malfoy, what are the main ingredients for this transformation potion?"  
  
It was now potions. One lesson all Gryffindor's wished that they could miss. This meant that even our dear Hermione hated this lesson. She yawned; she could just feel another argument from the Draco's coming on . . .  
  
"Which Malfoy do you mean sir?" Harry asked, trying to look innocent. Just one more little push and off they would be in argument land again . . .  
  
"I'm sure he meant me of course," Drako said, smirking at Draco, "Seeing as I am so much smarter than HIM."  
  
"What exactly do you mean by him?" Draco said, his voice dangerously low.  
  
"I mean the ugly HIM."  
  
"Then you must mean yourself!"  
  
"No, I am me, you are HIM."  
  
"No, I AM ME, YOU ARE HIM!"  
  
"MR MALFOYS!!" Snape shouted loudly, interrupting the Draco's fight, and making everyone jump and spill the potion that they had been making (whether it was successful or not), "I SHALL NOT TOLERATE SUCH AWFUL BEHAVIOUR IN MY CLASS!!! NOW LEAVE THE ROOM AND STAY OUTSIDE UNTIL THE END OF THE LESSON!!!!"  
  
Both Draco's stood up at exactly the same time, making Hermione raise her arms in surprise. They walked simultaneously out of the classroom, dragging Hermione on the floor with them.  
  
"You okay Hermione?" Drako asked, as she rubbed her sore butt, "I didn't want to do anything to make HIM start another argument when Snape was still in there."  
  
Drako glared at Draco, while Draco glared back at Drako.  
  
Hermione looked at Draco and saw to her amazement that he looked slightly ruffled. By, ruffled, she meant, angry, annoyed and . . . upset? She had never seen him look so . . . emotional, and she felt herself blush as he looked towards her, his eyes telling her something she didn't really feel like noticing.  
  
"Do you fancy me or not?"  
  
She looked at Draco, her eyes bulging. Who thought he could be so blunt? No, 'oh I was just wondering . . .' or any, 'I was thinking . . .', just a 'do you fancy me?'. What kind of a question was that????? Okay, fine, it was a good question, and yes, Hermione did kind of forget that this was DRACO MALFOY (the original) that was asking the question, meaning that he wouldn't sweeten up anything he said, just for someone as insignificant as herself.  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Hermione stuttered. She looked at Drako, who was now fiddling with a quill.  
  
"I mean, do you fancy me or not? As in, do you like me, like me, or do you not?"  
  
Somehow, Hermione found that even more confusing than before.  
  
"Well . . . I don't know! Why are you –  
  
"Well if you do fancy me then it's not a good way of showing me by going off with that messed-up version of myself!"  
  
Draco pointed furiously to Drako, who was now fiddling with the quill and the door. God knows what he was doing . . .  
  
"So? Even if I DO fancy you, you're never going to go out with me anyway!!!"  
  
"I DIDN'T EVER SAY THAT."  
  
Hermione gaped at him. And I'm sure that if Draco weren't his gorgeous self, he would be gaping at himself too. Hermione gulped and turned to see the reaction of Drako. Her face fell when she saw him still fiddling with the quill and the door.  
  
"Hey you guys," Drako, exclaimed, his voice full of excitement, "Did you know that I can fit eighty-two quills in the size of this door?"  
  
They stared at him, and were just about to say something when the door burst open and out fumbled the people who were in the classroom that Snape taught in i.e. Snape's classroom.  
  
"You know Hermione," Drako began, placing the quill carefully in his well- spiked hair, "I do fancy you and everything, but fiddling with this quill has made me see sense!!! You see, the quill's feather has a long way to go before it can reach its point, where it joins together! Along the way, there are many obstacles, trying to make this quill blunt, like this door. But aha! It shall take more than one feeble door to make this perky quill blunt!!"  
  
Ah, the philosophy of a Drako . . .  
  
"Therefore," Drako continued, "I have decided that you, Hermione, are a mere obstacle, okay, a mere obstacle that I find attractive, but that's not the point! YOU are a mere obstacle that is distracting me from my one and only true love!! Now, it is all clear!!"  
  
"Riiiiiiight," Hermione frowned, trying her hardest not to laugh, "So, who is this 'true love' you are talking, oh-so-fondly, about?"  
  
Drako grinned mischievously as the last three-some of chained up people appeared at the door.  
  
"OH HARRY!!!! I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE THE ONE FOR ME!!!!!!!!" Drako pounced on the nearest people – Harry, Padma, and of course, fourteen year old Harry junior (Harry junior's brain was aged fourteen, you see).  
  
Hermione watched in amusement as Harry tried to get away from Drako, who was now doing all he could to hug Harry and envelope him in his arms. As they say . . .  
  
'Why are the good ones always gay?'  
  
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Hey guys! Okay, so some of you might be disappointed that Drako is . . . how do you say it, bent, but there you go! If you don't want it there, next chapter, I shall make him more of a straight guy again! Lol, I just had to put it in, for myself! (NOTE: I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST GAY MEN. I ACTUALLY LIKE THEM, THEY ARE ALWAYS MORE FUN THAN MOST STRAIGHT GUYS)  
  
By the way, if you didn't understand Drako's philosophy on the quill, don't worry, you weren't actually meant to understand it! Lol, now that that's sorted, I guess I have nothing else to say, apart from the fact that I have no idea what to write now. Ideas are VERY welcome indeed.  
  
PS. I know, I said I had nothing else to say, well, I was wrong. I am afraid to announce that CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS will definitely soon be drawing to an end. In approximately four/five/six chapters (depending on my mood). I don't exactly know how it shall end, so there you are. BUT STILL, there's a long way to go until the end, so I still need ideas.  
  
ANOTHER NOTE: So, tell me what you thought of this chapter, like, which bits you particularly liked, or, maybe what you think I should do next, or even some random thing you did today that you think might be of interest (ANYTHING interests me). No, I'm not a stalker; I'm just very nosey and interested in everyone else's lives. Heh.  
  
PPS. Sorry it took so long. Internet was buggered. Again. 


	19. A world of words

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
'=Thoughts "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
CHAPTER TWENTY: A world of words  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Literally. For once I feel like not ranting on, and just trying to make the disclaimer at least four lines long (well, on my word document anyways, I don't know how long it is on fanfic.net) But, alas, I have done it once again, and made the disclaimer very long with my rant of no rant. Strange, huh?  
  
THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING NUMBER OF RESPECTED PEOPLE:  
  
Gina Aw, that sucks that you can't use fanfic to review, but still, it is nice that you email your review instead! Lol. Sorry if the update took too long by the way, and I'm wondering what havoc would happen if Draco and Hermione went out in PUBLIC which is why they're not quite together yet, hehe. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Black-unicorn13 Lol, gay men rock! They have a real good sense of humour and are so much more fun than most boys who are just football, football, and more football. Thanks for reviewing, and liking every single bit of it! Hope this ones good! Lol  
  
Natyslacks Hehe, thanks a bundle for review! And about your white coat, is it still nice? Rain sucks – BIG TIME. Lol, lucky I haven't been getting much lately, hooray! I like Eskimos; they always look really funny and live with penguins . . . or at least that's my theory anyway . . .  
  
Milocachica Thanks for reviewing, and Draco asked Hermione if she still fancied him because he thought she was flirting with Drako, but now Drako is kind of out of the way because of him being gay. Anyway, thanks again!  
  
SweetCheeksDracoLuver Aw thanks! I need more idea if this fic is going to actually get an ending . . . and I'm running out of them! Sorry if this chapter took too long, I was lazy and depressed. Heh. Oh and about your ideas, sorry but Voldemort isn't going in this fic, and even if he was, he would just be some strange demented old man (why? Well because then he wouldn't ruin the humour!) and also with the Xmas thing . . . I used that in another fic, and I'd hate to use it again. A thanks for trying though, that was really nice of you!!!  
  
Zinok Lol, I AGREE, FRED IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER!!! Lol, I don't see the difference cus' they are twins and everything, but I just think Fred is better! Thanks for reviewing!! (Oh and so sorry for the long wait, I needed to finish the other chapter for my other fic! And they've actually kissed like two times already, which is kind of surprising for something I wrote)  
  
TOM-FELTON-IS-SEXY Heh, thanks, I know, I made them both sound fit cus' I like it that way! HA! Lol, anyways, thanks for reviewing so much, I appreciate it!! (As you know)  
  
MEME Errr, they're all meatatarians . . . as far as I'm concerned anyway!  
  
Some12 Hehe, hardly anyone saw the gay Drako part coming, I guess it isn't exactly that obvious, lol. That sucks having a teacher hate you, it makes life even harder than it is, and don't you feel like giving them a chill pill? (Or maybe strangling them . . . it might cost less) and lol, I find it so amusing when they got one of those annoying veins in their forehead, luckily, I have a fringe so I don't know if I have one of those, lol. Oh and thank you so much for giving me a tip on an ending.  
  
Michelle Lol, yeah, I guess it was, lol. Oh and I didn't even understand Drako's theory, even if I did write it! Thanks for reviewing, please enjoy the chappie!  
  
Tinuviel Storm Aw, thank you so much! I know this is kind of short and it took extra long to get out, but at least you know I'm not on a break! I don't think anyway. Maybe Drako will enrol at Hogwarts, I'll give it a thought, but right now, I'm just trying to focus on the relationship between Hermione and Draco!  
  
NeLLy22 Sorry if this took too long! Near about three weeks . . . long enough?  
  
IceCristal If you read on, you shall see whether Drako stays gay or not! And well done for rhyming! I would have never done that, not even accidentally on purpose. I'm awful that way, heh.  
  
Enchanted Phyre Thank you for reviewing!! And, wow! Congrats for you!!! I can't believe there is actually a guy out there who looks like Draco (even slightly)!! WOW!! Lol, sorry if this took too long, I know, I know, I'm so lazy! But at least tis out now please review!  
  
Pink-neon But if Drako fancied Hermione than Draco and Hermione would never get together! And yeah, so they're both alike, nevermind, they're still different! Okay, now I'm just confusing, lol, you and me I think, so thanks for reviewing and enjoy!  
  
Callie Thanks for the review, and lol, yes; I did understand what you were saying, even if it was confusing! Lol, I guess its cus' I'm confusing, so confusing people understand confusing people . . . if that made any sense at all.  
  
HappiGoLucki616 Lol, Thanks a lot! I hope this chapter is funny too, I'm not sure. I don't think I actually checked it properly, so it's probably full of errors (not that it isn't even if I have checked it, lol) Thanks again!  
  
ChIcKa Hey sorry! I forgot to email you to tell you that I updated, lol, we both forgot! Nevermind, hopefully it won't happen again (hopefully that is)  
  
NightyGal Okay, here's the update, sorry it took so long, I kind of slacked off a bit, nevermind, the chapters here now! Anyway, thanks for reviewing, even if you didn't before!  
  
Elle-poohbear this fic is rather strange compared to others isn't it? Lol, its just cus' I'm a rather weird person, lol, so it's not surprising that I would write something so 'unique', hehe. Thanks for the review! Much appreciated.  
  
Eventuality what does tt mean? I don't get it. Lol, I don't get a lot of things so it's not surprising. I know fighting is annoying, but when you're not in the fight, it is amusing, no? Lol, anyway, thanks for reviewing! And for what you said in your review!!!  
  
Xmaverickf14x Hehe, thanks! It was a kind of twist isn't it?  
  
Anonymous Lol, glad you think the romance getting in is good, I do too! And I'm always scared someone won't like the chapter, you know the odd little individuals (or gangs, depending on how bad it is exactly) It's always better to be safe than sorry I guess!  
  
Paprika90 Thanks! I like little suggestions and comments and stuff, that's what makes a review a review! (If you just said something like good, bye, that would just annoy me, lol) Anyway, I hope this didn't take too long, and I hope you like it too!!!  
  
Dracoluver2009 Lol, of course it's going to end! I mean, if it didn't end then people would just get annoyed with it, and then I would run out of ideas! It's better to end something with fond memories.  
  
Burgundyred Wow, are you good or what? How did you know? If you don't know what I mean by how did you know, read on and you might get my drift. Thanks for the review, I hope you like this chapter (I really do!) I don't know why but I just feel kind of scared that you won't like it . . .  
  
Aku-neko Lol, I'm glad you think that way! Some people would just shout at me for making Drako gay, but you didn't yay! To find out what happens next, you will have to read on, of course! Lol, and as for Draco and Hermione . . . actually, I'll let you read about that as well!  
  
Lily of the Shadow No, I can't remember whether you reviewed this a while ago or not, I don't remember a lot of things . . . lol, and no, I never knew saying that out loud sounded like pee-pee, but it was interesting, yes!  
  
Spaced Out Spaced Cadet Aw thanks, it's nice to know I make someone laugh! Hehe, and I think Drako confused everyone with his quill thing, oh well, that's what he's made for!  
  
Midnight Solitaire No, I don't watch wwe, what is it? Hold on, is it some type of wrestling? Thanks for reviewing, and suggesting stuff, you were one of the few that did so! Lol, and I will try to extend the length of the fic so that it will end less soon!!! Thanks again!  
  
Angela Hehe, freaky humour? I like that. And I get what you mean about that gay ones are always fit and stuff, maybe your theory is right . . .  
  
Kleebabe Even though Drako is gay, at least he did make Draco jealous before he announced it! Thanks for reviewing again, it meant a lot to me!  
  
UntitledN'stayinthatway HEHEHHE, SUGAR MANIA!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Pyroprincess4rmeverwood Okay, I will try to make the ending longer but I'm not promising anything. All I know is that it will have to end soon, when I don't know, but soon.  
  
Smileyface1314 Thank you for suggesting something! I noted them down, but I'm not promising that I'll use them! (Just in case I actually forget, lol) Thanks again (for reviewing as well as suggesting, hehe)  
  
Cacti-chan Lol, thanks! I'm not that much of a genius cus' most of the ideas used are due to my lovely reviewers who have all given me suggestions! HUGZ  
  
ShortStuff10 I like it when my fics are rather unique, it makes me stand out more, hehe! It's also very nice how you don't mind Drako being gay, my mate who reads this was screaming at me cus' I made him gay and I was like 'what is your problem with gay people?' and that just made her shut up, so I was like VICTORY!! Which just got her winded up again, lol. I'm so good at annoying people . . .  
  
Cereza Well, all good things must come to an end . . . god I sound so old! I love monkeys!! FUNKY MONKEY!!! That's what I say! Lol, BOB SHALL DEAL WITH YOU EVIL REVEIWER!!! MWHAHAHAHHA!!! Cough, okay, now that's over and done with, yes Bob's army can smell of cheese if you like! And lol, you're right, it isn't everyday that you see people eating cheese turtles (although it has been done . . .) Lol, I'd laugh if Harry loved him as well . . . (random but hey!)  
  
Dragon-rose-vine Oh I get it, well the reason why Drako liked Hermione was to get Draco jealous so that it was easier for me to get the romance into the fic. I'm not good with romance and humour in one go, so it might have taken a while if Drako wasn't there . . .  
  
Fairy Lights Hehe, that must have been fun, my friend and me leaned back on a seesaw just to see which one of us was heavier! Oh and I'm sorry that you don't like Drako being gay, read on and see for yourself! Lol, thanks for the suggestions too!!! (May or may not be used, I'm not promising anything)  
  
Tears-That-Fall Sorry that you're not pleased with it, read on and you may feel better (or worse). Just cus' Drako's gay it doesn't mean that Draco is too, he's not an EXACT replica (otherwise he wouldn't be as hot)  
  
Blind-assassin Thanks for reviewing, and for what you said too! I hope you're reading this chappie, and also enjoying it. No point reading something if you don't like it, lol.  
  
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Some of us may complain about the fact that our everyday lives are so boring, we moan and mope about the fact that our school isn't like Hogwarts, full of magic and mystery, and the people who are actually at Hogwarts show off and laugh at how they have it so much better than us normal people, or shall I say, muggles?  
  
Well, for once, Hermione just felt like swapping with one of us normal people (if you can call 'us' normal).  
  
It was midnight on this fine day, okay, night, and Hermione was just lying there, thinking. Drako was sleeping in his own bed for once, and after deciding that he was gay, and then deciding that he wasn't, and then deciding that he liked both men and women, (therefore being a bisexual) he had finally fallen asleep. Drako was more hectic than Draco.  
  
She had never been able to sleep at night now. Perhaps it was just because she was in Draco's bed. Or rather, on the same bed as Draco. God damn him.  
  
She yawned and stood up, grabbing her dressing gown. No one would mind if she just crept out for a walk . . . and even if they did mind, she didn't care, they weren't as important as her.  
  
Hermione walked out of the dark room, and began her way down the long corridor. It was kind of creepy walking down the corridor, after all, wouldn't you be scared too if you were walking down a long corridor that you couldn't see the end of? Suddenly, Hermione tripped over something on the floor . . . something big and . .. lumpy.  
  
"Groan . . ."  
  
Hermione squeaked. Was it some sort of monster that only came out at night so that it could sit in a hallway? Hmm . . . if that was so then the monster must be quite pathetic.  
  
"You just killed my hand."  
  
And as always, Hermione was correct in her guess. It was a monster, yes, a monster by the name of Draco.  
  
"What is he doing sitting on the floor in the middle of a dark corridor at night?" Hermione wondered aloud.  
  
"Well, HE is wondering the same thing," Draco hissed, sounding rather annoyed, "And you know something, I always thought that pathetic person who calls himself me was gay – he was always checking me out."  
  
"Drako isn't gay! He's . . . bisexual."  
  
"I bet he doesn't even know what bisexual means!!!"  
  
Hermione looked as though she was deep in thought, "Good point."  
  
She sat down next to Draco, and sighed. How come she hadn't noticed that Draco wasn't asleep next to her? Or why hadn't she heard him creep out of the room? Well, Drako was snoring rather loudly . . . and she was kind of afraid that if she looked at Draco sleeping again, she would definitely do something she regretted . . basically cut some of his hair off and keep it as a souvenir.  
  
"So, why can't you sleep?"  
  
Hermione looked at Draco. He had asked her a question. He had started a conversation. WOW.  
  
"Why can't YOU sleep?"  
  
"No, I asked you first."  
  
"Well, I asked you second."  
  
"That's not the point, answer me."  
  
"No, you answer me first."  
  
Hermione looked at Draco feeling amused. He was getting stressed – again. Well, it wasn't her fault he was so easily fired up, or her fault that she enjoyed seeing him get angry, and it was definitely not her fault that he looked slightly like a penguin when he shook with anger, hehe.  
  
"Can I ask you a question?" Hermione asked slowly.  
  
"You just did."  
  
"Shut up, that's not the point!" Hermione glared at him. Now, it wasn't Draco's fault that Hermione looked like a monkey when she got annoyed. He swore, it was just the shape of her ears . . .  
  
"I was just wondering about you said today . . ." Hermione tried to ask without sounding stupid . . .  
  
"I said a lot of things today."  
  
And obviously, Draco was not making things any easier for her.  
  
"You know, what you said right before Drako announced that he was gay – I mean right before he said he fancied Harry."  
  
Draco smirked, "If anyone says that they fancy Potter, they HAVE to be gay."  
  
"You're getting away from the subject!!! I mean what you said when I said that you would never go out with me, and then you said that you never said you wouldn't go out with me!! OR ARE YOU TOO OLD TO REMEMBER????"  
  
"OH NOT THIS AGAIN!!!! Hermione, you know very well how old I am!!!!"  
  
"AS A MATTER OF FACT I DON'T!!!!"  
  
"WELL AS A MATTER OF FACT IF WE KEEP SHOUTING SOMEONE WILL HEAR US!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco's eyes were bulging, and Hermione's head was throbbing. So he had a point, but she wasn't going to admit to it.  
  
"You're just steering away from what I was talking about," Hermione said, stubbornly, "What did you mean when you said that?"  
  
"I mean exactly what I said! I never did say I wouldn't go out with you!!!"  
  
"Then are you saying you would?????"  
  
"I don't know!!!" Draco sighed, "YOU NEVER DID ASK ME."  
  
"Well its not like you'd let me ask."  
  
"What do you mean? I am standing right here, listening to you."  
  
Hermione looked at him. He did look kind of serious . . . kind of, that is. Slowly, she took a deep breath – was this the day? The day when Hermione Granger would finally get a decent looking boyfriend for once?  
  
"Will you go out with –  
  
"Oh look at the time, I need my beauty sleep."  
  
And with that, Draco scurried off towards the room, ready for his 'beauty sleep'. Hermione looked at the place where he had been just a few minutes ago. She would have never thought it – Draco Malfoy, saying he needed to become more beautiful . . .  
  
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Soon it was the next morning, and Hermione was absolutely exhausted. She hadn't been able to get any sleep, she hadn't been able to ask Draco out, and she hadn't even been able to snore. How pathetic.  
  
Draco had said, of course, that he had actually never said the words 'I refuse to go out with you', meaning that he might actually date her, but he definitely wasn't going to make it an easy job for her. Damn him.  
  
She wondered how she could ask him. Obviously, it wasn't like he would actually stay to hear her talk, and he would just run everytime she was near – just in case. So, how was he going to know what she wanted to say, AND answer her as well? Well, naturally, he was born a Malfoy, meaning there was nothing more to him than his pride. Or maybe his money.  
  
Hermione grinned. Slowly, she had a nice little plan forming in her mind. Sure, she was going to have to embarrass herself in the progress, but she had already been embarrassed this year, and she was positive that it couldn't get any worse (let's name some embarrassing situations: her growing a beard, her voice breaking, her very presence there was an embarrassment . . .)  
  
She rubbed her hands together mischievously, and then laughed a maniac kind of laugh. Oh yes, she was good, very good.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA –  
  
"Shut up," Drako mumbled, taking the pillow that he has just thrown at Hermione out of her mouth, "Its nice that you're a morning person Hermione . . . IT'S A SHAME I'M NOT."  
  
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Getting dressed had to be one of the hardest things she had ever done. Of course, Hermione Granger, being the near perfect person that she was, would have done many extraordinary things that normal, average, witches and wizards her age couldn't do, but, today, she had really outsmarted herself. She couldn't even FIND her clothes let alone put them on.  
  
"DRACO!!! DRAKO!!! YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO –  
  
There was no point asking where her clothes were, for right at that precise moment, Drako stepped into the bathroom wearing Hermione's robes.  
  
"How do I look?" He pouted, trying to make himself look sexy (someone needed to tell him that he didn't even need to pout to do that, hehe)  
  
"Great, now give me my clothes back."  
  
"Hold on, I know something even better!!!" Drako pulled out Hermione's wand (no wonder Hermione lost everything . . . come to think of it, how did Drako scab all her stuff so quickly? It was really kind of creepy) He tapped the wand twice on his head, and his nicely spiked platinum blonde hair fell down into blonde curls.  
  
"Drako, its nice that you like women so much you want to be one, but please, just give me my clothes back."  
  
"I will . . . eventually! But I just thought it would be fun to dress up like one, I mean, I envy the population of growing girls in this world!!!" Drako said indignantly, "All they have to do is look down at their chests and there the boobies are!! Right in your face!! You can play with them at any time – even play with TWO of them at the same time!!! Boys have to work hard just to see them!!!!"  
  
Hermione stared at him. Boy, he was REALLY starting to worry her now.  
  
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Breakfast time. In the same classroom, as always (well, not always, but you get what I mean). Hermione looked around. It wasn't until now that she had actually realised how many people were in Hogwarts seventh year. It was beginning to get her rather paranoid.  
  
"Pass the bacon."  
  
Hermione looked towards the speaker. It was Draco, yawning and trying not to mess up his perfectly stiff hair - oh how very typical. Maybe if she tried one last time, it might just work . . .  
  
"Draco . . ." Hermione slowly said, letting his name roll off her tongue as she passed him the tray of bacon sandwiches, "Will you go o –  
  
"Here you can have one too!!!!" Draco hurriedly stuffed about ten sandwiches into her mouth before she gabbled another word.  
  
She coughed, and spluttered until all the bacon sandwiches had gone from her mouth and onto her plate. She looked at it in disgust. Even RON wouldn't want to eat that anymore . . .  
  
"See, I never knew you had that big a gob," Draco said, munching happily on a sandwich, "You should thank me for interrupting whatever was so important you had to say it so early in the morning."  
  
She growled at him. Literally, growled, and grumbled and growled (again) as she clambered onto the table, kicking random objects of no importance off. She would have to embarrass her, he had given her no other option.  
  
"Hey!! I was watching that fly swim around in my juice!!!" Drako exclaimed, pouting angrily at Hermione (luckily, he was now dressed normally . . . well, if you count wearing clothes that Snape would wear 'normal' . . .)  
  
"LISTEN UP EVERYONE!!!!!!" Hermione shouted, waving her arms in the air like any insane person would do, "I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!!!!!!! AND ALL MUST LISTEN!!!!" She continued to shout, as Draco looked up, horrified, then began to climb out of his seat, and creep towards the door . . .  
  
"AND THAT INCLUDES YOU DRACO MALFOY – THE BIGGER ONE!!!!!!!"  
  
Draco stopped, his eyes shut tight, and squeaked.  
  
"I, HERMIONE GRANGER, ASK, YOU, YES, YOU, DRACO MALFOY, TO GO OUT WITH ME!!!!!!!!! AND WE HAVE ALL THE PEOPLE HERE AS WITNESSES!!!!!!" Somehow, Hermione had changed her wand into a microphone. How intelligent. Draco didn't turn around, instead, he found it much more convenient to run.  
  
"I DIDN'T HEAR YOU!!!!" He shouted as he bolted towards the nearest exit.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF??? I SHOUTED IT INTO A BLIMMIN' MICROPHONE!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"ITS NOT A MICROPHONE, IT'S A WAND!!!" Draco screamed, turning around and staring indignantly at Hermione, using his finger to indicate the word 'wand'.  
  
"SAME DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW ANSWER THE GOD DAMN QUESTION!!!!!!!"  
  
"I DIDN'T HEAR IT!!!"  
  
"WELL I'LL SAY IT AGAIN THEN –  
  
"NO DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"AND WHY NOT????????"  
  
"CUS'."  
  
"CUS' WHAT, ARE YOU EMBARRASSED????"  
  
"WELL DUH, HAVING A PERSON SHOUTING THROUGH A WAND AND ASKING ME OUT –  
  
"HA!!!!!!! SO YOU DID HEAR THE QUESTION!!!!!"  
  
Draco sighed at his own stupidity. Damn himself, he always had to muck something up, just when he didn't want to. Curse it . . .  
  
Suddenly, he felt a pat on his shoulder. Draco turned to find that it was, in fact, himself – Drako Malfoy.  
  
"Well mate, you got to give her an answer . . . well, at least before Norman the fly begins to attack her for making him nearly drown in my juice. . ."  
  
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Okay, so I finally finished this chapter after donkey's years. Yes, I know, it took so long, and its not even very long, well, I'd appreciate it if you just didn't mention that in your review, because, well, I hate being put under pressure, and it will just make me feel bad, and if I feel bad, it'll just take longer for me to write! HA! Lol, okay, I'll quit with the ranting now, tata people.  
  
PS. OMG! I just found out, you know Harry Potter three is coming out on June for people in America? Well, I got confused and thought that English dates were the same as America, when in fact, we get it a few days earlier! MAY 31ST HERE I COME! 


	20. Tragedy of a teenage mood swing

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
'=Thoughts "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: Tragedy of a teenage mood swing  
  
**_MY THANKS TO MANY DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE THAT I HAVE NEVER MET BEFORE BUT STILL LOVE DEARLY (please read, takes time to write it you know!):_**  
  
-** Burgundyred** – No, I don't read slash either, I don't even know why I wrote one (kind of) but you know, my brain works weird. Yes, I guess it was kind of OOC for Hermione to be doing that, I'm not good with keeping people in character, you kind of mould them, and then all of a sudden you have this person you THINK they are, but they're not really. I hope that made sense. Oh and by the way, Draco will be a little OOC, or a lot, depending on how you see it, the thing is, to end this fic successfully, I think I need the OOC-ness. I might just put in another bit in the next chapter to try and make it less OOC, although the extra bit I might add just might make everything worse. Well, it's worth a try, right?  
  
- **Fluff** – Hehe, well, I don't actually know, read end author note, all shall be understood (I hope). I know it was crazy, but then again, that was promised in the title of this fic . . . Oh and thank you very much for reviewing!  
  
- **SweetCheeksDracoLuver** – Whoa, two threatening reviews, wow, lol, thank you for bothering to review so long, and thanks for trying to murder me for not updating for so long, but by now most people should know that I don't give up THAT easily on things! Lol, anyway, thank you again and I really hope you enjoy this chappie. By the way, I will read your fic eventually, I've been really busy lately, so I haven't even had time to write, let alone read anything!  
  
- **Some12** – Lmao, you know what's funny? I've never dissected anything before, of course, I've wanted to, but its not like I'm going to go pick some random dead object and pick at it, lol. And by the way, good for you about that evil teacher popping vein thing, I had a look at my head the other day and I realised that I might have an evil poppy vein thing too, which just completely freaked me out and taught me never to look at my head again, lol.  
  
- **Ding** – Aw thanks, and I think you should have seen it by now anyway . . . come to think of it, I talked to you straight after you saw it, right? Short term memory loss, never helps anyone . . .  
  
- **Milocachica **- Nah, that's alright, at least you mentioned the other fic, anyway, thank you for reviewing, and well, Draco is kind of . . . staying away from the subject cus' deep down inside (deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, down inside) he feels really shy and kind of cowardly. Well, my Draco does anyway!  
  
- **Lily of the shadow** – Yes, the release date, I just couldn't resist that little tease, I mean, temptation is hard to resist, right? Lol, thanks for reviewing, sorry if the update took too long.  
  
-** Gina** – HOORAY!!!! I'm so happy for you! I mean, I don't see why I shouldn't be happy for you anyway, and I don't know if this is good, I read it through, but I can't say what I think about the chapter, just might affect what you think, hehe  
  
- **Tinuviel Storm** - Heh, sorry, just couldn't resist a little tease, lol, there's one problem with me answering your question. I'm not quite sure what I am supposed to be answering . . . oh and yes, I did once say that I didn't like Lord of the Rings, but then again, some say I'm too opinionated :P hang on, was that the question I was supposed to answer?  
  
- **Happigolucki616** - I still can't believe that it will be forever until you read this! Well, you did say that you might be able to go on the Internet while you were in Brazil, but I doubt that you will read this! But that doesn't stop me from hoping you with read this when you come back! So, thanks for reviewing, here is the update!  
  
- **Callie** – Thank you for the review, and for agreeing with me! I actually was kind of surprised I understood what you said lol  
  
- **Elvinscarf **– You know, when I read your review, I suddenly started singing that Justin Timberlake song . . . strange huh . . .  
  
- **Dracoluver2009** – Lol, thanks, hope you love this chapter as well, please remember to review afterwards! Cheers!  
  
- **Paprika90 **– Yes, I prefer your second suggestion too! (Hint there for you) Lol, anyway, thank you for that lovely long review, I really enjoyed reading it, although the ones that typed a shorter review were nice as well! I really hope you enjoy this chapter by the way, and be sure to read the author note at the bottom!  
  
- **ChIcKa** – Thank you for reviewing, and I like to email you, even if you do check! I feel much more responsible (although I forget everytime) and by the way, I like yappers! Its what makes the world go round! Lol  
  
- **Mike mike** – Thanks! Hope you read the rest  
  
- **Pink neon** – Thank you for reviewing, lol, and yes, Draco is being a bit of a jerk isn't he? Well, read on and find out what happens! Make sure you read the author note at the end!  
  
- **Hekate101** – RON ROCKS, although I'm sure you already knew that lol, thanks for reviewing so many times by the way, super nice of you! Oh and by the way, I know I think too much, hehe, hope you like this chappie, thanks again for reviewing so many times!  
  
-** Nixie911** – Lol, right, thanks for staying up so long just to read this fanfiction! I hope you got enough sleep, lol, oh and 'cough' I'm afraid longer chapters cannot happen! For the fact that the fic is nearly ending anyway, read the ending author note, it might make sense more there!  
  
- **Eventuality** – I know! Have you seen the movie? Isn't it great! I mean, sure, they missed out a hell of a lot of stuff, but it was so funny, me and my mate were laughing our pants off, lol, anyway, thanks for reviewing, hope you like this chappie!  
  
- **Black-unicorn13** – Lol, now I wonder if you slept for three weeks? Hmm, lol, anyway, sorry that this update took a while, I was lazy and too busy to write, so there you are. You're going to have to read on to see what Draco says, hehehehehe  
  
- **Anonymous **– Yes, I mean, if someone asked you out using a giant microphone, wouldn't you be embarrassed too? I would SO admire anyone who would do that, lol, although I guess you must be kind of creepy if you did do that . . .  
  
- **Cereza** – Oooo, maybe Harry does like Drako back, MWHAHAHAHHAHAHAH, YOU SHALL NEVER KNOW! Lol, and the reason why you shall never know is cus' I don't want to tell you :P and haha, I'm younger than most people here, I assure you.  
  
- **Karana Belle **– Aw thank you so much for reviewing, and saying what you did! I don't think I'm that good at writing humour/romance together, lol, took me so long to get used to it! And yeh, I did kind of prefer Little Draco, but what's done is done, so there you are. Oh and just to say, there's never such a thing as having too many reviews!  
  
**- Sessyluver03** – Heheheheheheh, thank you very much, hehehehehehehehe  
  
- **Zinok **– Oh, sorry, I am really, because well, read end author note and you will find out why, I guess, yeah, I might just put another experiment in, but I might not . . . just read the end author note and all shall be clear! (Well, clearer anyway, lol)  
  
- **Kleebabe** – Lol, glad you liked it, I don't know how I came up with that idea . . . thanks for reviewing, here's the update!  
  
- **Pyroprincess4rmeverwood** – Yes, well, I knew by the time I updated it would b way past the release date for Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban, I just couldn't resist. Apparently, it's the first ever movie to earn over five million pounds on the first day of release in the U.K  
  
- **Tears-That-Fall** – Well, Drako can act 16 when he really wants to, but most of the time, he doesn't like to, so he acts like a little child. Makes his life much more interesting, no?  
  
- **Draco is all mine** – No, I wouldn't take a year to update! Maybe a few months, but not a year, lol. Compared to some people I could name and shame, but won't, I update kind of good. Less than a month anyway! Thanks for the review.  
  
- **Smileyface1314** – Omg, I would never do what Hermione did! And I don't think the Hermione in the book would have either, but I just write stuff weird, lol. You would be so brave to actually do that! And you've seen Harry Potter 3 already now, right? Thanks for reviewing by the way!  
  
- **Fairy Lights** – You're not the only one who suggested more suggestions, I will think about it, but read the end author note and you will see why I can't make it a certain thing. Thanks!  
  
- **Spaced Out Space Cadet** – You know I love the name Norman, it's like 'Bob', 'Jimmy' and the best name of all time 'Jimbob' lol. Thanks so much for reviewing! Enjoy the chappie!  
  
- **PartlyFoxyPartlyGrandma** – Lol, love your name, and I definitely prefer Rupert, no matter what anyone says! Hehe, I was high on sugar when I wrote this, or at least I think I was, short term memory loss, sure I've mentioned THAT before, lol. Thanks for reviewing by the way.  
  
- **Sarah** – You can say its weird, I don't mind. I mean, I AM WEIRD, lol, makes the whole world unique, weird people do. Imagine, the world filled with boring old farts, now THAT would be some sight to see.  
  
- **Jade the Fairyness** – Lol, yes, they are all uncontrollably out of character! But hey, what difference does it make when it makes people smile? Yes, I am pathetic, hehe. Sugar does wonders you see.  
  
-** Sunflower18 **– Here's the update, enjoy.  
  
- **Loah **– Ah yes, the shortness, I can't ever make the chapters long enough, even if I try, sigh, it's something I can' ever do I'm afraid, sorry. Really hope you enjoy the chapter! It was the best I could do (for now anyway :P)  
  
- **LythTaeraneth** – OMG!!! DO I KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO REMUS? YES, OF COURSE I DID! They made him a complete DRIP. I mean, seriously, I know I ranted on about this in my review to LiMM, but oh well, oh and Neville, must, die. I hate Neville, he's growing up and I don't like it. Bleh. Draco was hot though, lol. I was laughing my ass off at Snape in that dress too. I was watching an interview, and apparently, when Alan Rickman was in that dress, he was pretending to be a real old lady as well! LOL. Oh and Rupert rocks, needs a haircut slightly, but oh yes, he rocks. And yes, SIRIUS MUST COME BACK!! (ILUVRONWEASLEY has now gone off to sob)  
  
- **Astridstar14** – Lol, yes, okay, here is the next chappie, although you still won't find out the answer, hehe . . .  
  
- **Dragon-rose-vine** – Sorry if the update took a while, here's the chapter! Thanks for reviewing!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, lala. You know, I could put all my disclaimers into one and make my own groovy song! Or better still, a rap! Lol, I'm only kidding, me, rapping? That's as likely as Eminem singing opera . . . but do you know something that really takes up the room in the chapter? Well, I'm not going to tell you, hehe.  
  
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Everyone was staring, and a select few were glaring, at this boy who we know, as Draco Malfoy (so the last bit didn't rhyme, oh well, I tried). He was staring at Hermione. Hermione was staring at him. Hermione and Draco were both staring at each other.  
  
"I . . . don't know," Draco sighed. She expected him, Draco Malfoy to give an answer in such short time? Important matters like this needed TIME. And the time he needed was a million light-years.  
  
"ANSWER ME!!!!!! YOU FORGET, THIS WAND CAN DOUBLE AS A LETHAL WEAPON, AND A MICROPHONE!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"And you forget, Hermione," Draco said slowly, his eyes shining mischievously giving him a rather sexy appeal, "I have a wand as well! MWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAH AHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA – "  
  
And with a puff of cough-worthy smoke, Draco Malfoy was gone from the classroom. Damn it. Hermione had embarrassed herself in front of the entire year group, and many members of staff (who cared if she didn't know half of them, they're still people!) and what was it for? NOTHING. She turned towards her Aunt Emi, who had finally gotten better, after her apparent 'cold'.  
  
"Please excuse me Aunt Emi, I'd like permission to go to Hogsmeade."  
  
"Err, yes dear, of course you can," Dr. Granger replied rather happily, as if blissfully unaware that just because you are related to a student, it does not mean that you can let them off the hook for screaming at full blast while treading on someone's breakfast (or in this case, nearly drowning Drako's fly).  
  
"Are you sure that's wise, Doctor?" Lee said, sipping his coffee while sticking his little finger out (or as I like to refer to it, his little pinkie)  
  
"Oh Lee, as a man of forty-four, you really have a lot to learn about woman," Dr. Granger sighed, while Lee spat out his coffee into the face of the person opposite – who just 'happened to be' Snape, "What is a woman's best friend? Shoes of course!"  
  
And boy did Hermione shop for her 'friends'.  
  
Now, of course, our Hermione is not a typical woman. Heck, she might not even BE a woman for all we know. But, anyway, normally, she was not a woman who would just cry, break down when someone rejected her, and she was not the type to not care either, and she was also not the type to drown herself in a world filled with nothing but handbags, shoes, and comfort food. But today was not a normal day, so therefore she would not be doing what she normally would do.  
  
"I'll take the 'Good-for-value ice cream', the one with chocolate, strawberry, banana, mint, vanilla, watermelon . . . and, gouche?" Hermione squinted at the sign above the ice cream lady, so she had no idea what the hell 'gouche' was, oh well, if they were selling it, it couldn't kill her then could it.  
  
It had only been ten minutes since she had gotten to Hogsmeade with her galleons, and she had already bought books, chocolate, flowers, books, clothes, underwear, books, shoes, hair accessories, books, and who could go shopping and not buy one of Millie's delightful cookies (people who eat Millie's cookies will know what I mean, hehe)  
  
"Here you go ma'am."  
  
The lady handed over a gigantic ice cream to Hermione. She tried to carry it and nearly toppled over with the weight of it.  
  
"Heh . . . I'll just . . . sit down and eat it."  
  
She chose a table with an umbrella so that she could sit comfortably in the shade. For once it was sunny in England, yet she felt completely opposite to it. Damn Draco Malfoy. Damn her for fancying him. Damn everyone!  
  
Her face red with fury, Hermione dug her spoon forcefully into the gigantic ice cream, making dollops of it land on random people that she did not care about. She began to scoop big bits of ice cream into her mouth, before realising that she needed a bigger spoon. But alas, she could not be bothered to get up and get another spoon . . .  
  
"Stupid frickin' ice cream people who don't even give you big enough spoons . . ." Hermione mumbled to herself, prodding her ice cream with her too small spoon.  
  
"You need some help with that?"  
  
Hermione didn't even need to look around to know who that voice belonged to. That horrid, filthy, annoying, and soooo girly, yet beautiful, sweet and melodic little voice, that she so dearly loved and hated. It both disgusted her, and gave her the shivers. Three guesses who it was . . .  
  
"Hello, earth to Hermione," Draco said, grabbing a nearby chair and dragging it up next to her, "What are you doing skiving off school then? I expect it of me, but I certainly don't expect it of you! Tut-tut, naughty girl."  
  
Hermione didn't reply. Why did he do this? Torture her by talking to her, and then torture her more by ignoring her. It was a love-hate relationship really, and right now all she wanted to do was strangle him to death. He didn't answer her all-important question, he didn't even pay her any attention except for when he wanted to, the stupid little . . .  
  
"Ah!" Yes, she squeaked. Hermione Granger squeaked like a girly-girl. Why? Well, the feel of soft fingers stroking her hand was why. As much as she fancied Draco, she didn't really appreciate being stroked thank you very much.  
  
"I knew I could get your attention, I am the king!!!" Draco nodded to himself, as he dipped his finger into Hermione's ice cream and licked it.  
  
"Don't touch my ice cream, Malfoy."  
  
Draco looked slightly shocked at the name change. His eyebrows lowered into a heavy frown.  
  
"Why the change of name, HERMIONE? I'm not that horrid you know, otherwise I wouldn't be here talking to you now, would I?" Draco eyed Hermione, trying his best to catch her eyes which he never did, so instead he looked towards her many different shopping bags, "Whoa, what did you buy? There are millions of bags here."  
  
Draco began to rampage around in Hermione's bags, taking out random objects and 'oo-ing' at them. He pulled out some of the new underwear Hermione had bought.  
  
"Wow, never knew you had it in you," Draco growled, his eyes gleaming at a certain piece of underwear in one of her many bags.  
  
Hermione couldn't take it anymore. Stupid obnoxious brat who wasn't even brave enough to answer her question. If he wasn't going to answer her than there was no point even being near him anymore. She got up, dropped her spoon onto the floor and left without even a thought to her uneaten ice cream and her many shopping bags littering the floor.  
  
"Hey Hermione!! You left your bags!!!!" Draco shouted, picking up the spoon from the floor, "OI!!!!! YOU!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU IGNORING ME???????????"  
  
Draco sat and watched as Hermione stalked off, her bushy hair blowing in the wind giving her an angry glow. He looked at the spoon in his hand and then at the shopping bags and then at the ice cream.  
  
"Well, I might as well take her bags up to the room for her," Draco mumbled to himself, "But for that I'll need energy, and seeing as she isn't going to come back for this lovely ice cream of hers, I'm sure she won't mind if I . . ." But Draco had no time to finish his sentence, for he had begun to dig into Hermione's ice cream, head first.  
  
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Hermione had a banging headache. And it was definitely not helping that Drako was hanging his head out of the window and declaring his love for Harry yet again. She decided that seeing as Draco wasn't going to answer her, she was going to pretend that she didn't want to know his answer. If she didn't, Draco would merely get pleasure out of her pain. Grr. She felt faint as she closed her eyes and leant back so that her head rested on her pillow. Even her old Gryffindor bed smelt of Draco . . .  
  
"Thinking of me?"  
  
Hermione shot up and whacked her head hard against the person who had been leaning over her, i.e. Draco.  
  
"Go away!" Hermione screamed, she was not in the mood to deal with Draco, even if he was carrying all her shopping bags using some random charm.  
  
"What? Are you mad at me for eating your ice cream?" Draco frowned, wiping his mouth to make sure no traces of delicious, soft, ice cream was left around his perfectly fine lips.  
  
"YOU ATE HER ICE CREAM????????" Drako exclaimed, a shocked expression on his face as he stuck his head back in from the window, "THAT, MISTER, IS GOING TOO FAR!!!!!"  
  
Drako went over to Hermione and sat down beside her, patting her on the shoulder as she lay, her face stuck in the pillow, "I know how you feel Herms, I mean, I would cry too if someone ate my ice cream - mean old man."  
  
Draco scowled, putting the shopping bags down. Hermione still didn't reply, but merely decided that lying down on a bed doing nothing was better than facing up and looking at Draco, even if he was a pretty site to see.  
  
"Hey," Draco shouted, trying to catch Hermione's attention. There was no reply, "Oi!!!!" He shouted, still nothing. Drako sighed, and patted Draco on the shoulder, mumbling something about 'men these days being so inconsiderate'. He then left, saying that someone had invited him over for a tea party, and he couldn't 'afford' to be late (he probably paid them to get invited in the first place).  
  
Draco chose to ignore the things that Drako had said to him. Anything that Drako said couldn't be important.  
  
"Hermione," He purred, trying to get her to notice him. Still she didn't move, Draco was beginning to get rather annoyed.  
  
"What are you, DEAD??????"  
  
Still no movement. Damn her, Draco scowled, "Aren't you even interested in my answer to that . . . question you asked me today?"  
  
"No."  
  
Draco sighed in relief. Thank god she wasn't dead, he might have been suspected of murder and thrown into Azkaban, even if he was innocent! But, hold on, what had she just said about not wanting to know about his answer? Draco frowned. Why didn't she want to know an answer?  
  
"Why don't you want to know my answer?"  
  
"Cus'."  
  
"Cus' . . . ?"  
  
"Cus' I don't care what you think or say anymore, you big fat jerk," Hermione cried into her pillow.  
  
"I am deeply offended," Draco sniffed, "I am not fat!!!!!!!! And anyway, I'll tell you my answer, even if you don't want to know –  
  
But Draco could not finish his sentence, why? Well, basically because by the time he had said all that he wanted to say, Hermione had zoomed out of the room.  
  
Draco pouted. 'Rude,' he thought. One-minute she was so keen on asking him out, and then the next thing he knew, she didn't want anything to do with him! Sure, he did kind of blank her first, and he did kind of run away from her everytime she came near him, and yes, admittedly, he did run away from that little scene earlier that morning, but still! That was no reason for her to do that to him!  
  
Inside Draco's pretty little mind, his brain began to click. Draco smirked, oh yes, she was trying to make him feel guilty by doing what he did to her (i.e. ignore her), so, if he did what she did to him . . .  
  
"Hehe," Draco sniggered evilly, rubbing his hands together. Oh yes, he would show her . . . if she wouldn't listen to him, then he'd have to do it, HER way.  
  
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Okay people, here's the verdict, I shall be ending this fic in approximately two or three chapters, or maybe even the next chapter shall be the last. The reason is that I don't think I can stretch it anymore without it falling to pieces, therefore, I shall have to end it. Well, at least I think you will be pleased to hear (if you aren't already pleased, that is) that I have an ending prepared! Oh yes, I have the ending in my head! I talked it over with some friends, and after a while, we managed to decide on some random ending that hopefully won't disappoint too many people.  
  
So, look forward to the next chapter, it may be the last! (Depending on what I write) Oh, and yes, I know this chapter was still rather short, don't rush me, I panic when I'm paranoid, and I'm paranoid when I panic. Either one, isn't that good.  
  
PS. Next chapter will feature from Draco's POV (I think) and therefore, it shall be very OOC, sorry about that, just thought I might warn you. However, Hermione's POV will also be there (most of this fic is from Herms POV, next chapter shall be a mixture, that is what I am trying to say) 


	21. A happy ending?

CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS  
  
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .  
  
NARRATED BY MOI!  
  
'=Thoughts "=speech  
  
NO SPOILERS.  
  
**A FINAL THANKS TO ALL YOU LOVELY, LOVELY, WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO REVIEW!!!!:**  
  
=-= **NightyGal **– Yes, every beginning must have an end, and this is the end indeed! I'll definitely be writing more D/Hr fics, although I'm planning to just review things for a while maybe . . . I don't know, but no sequel, no. This sounds silly, but I don't 'believe' in sequels, lol.  
  
=-= _pink-neon_ – Draco getting embarrassed? Maybe, depends on which way you look at it really, thank you so much for your review, and support! I won't forget you!  
  
=-=** kleebabe** – Lol, I wish I worked in KFC, the food is so much better than any other place and the service is good as well (compared to MacDonald's . . .) I don't know what gouche is, you decide! Thanks for reviewing by the way!  
  
=-= _ShortStuff10_ – I'm really hungry as well, according to one of my friends, I'm always eating, I don't agree though. I do like my fair share of cookies, I have to admit, but I'm not eating all the time! I hope . . .  
  
=-= **Vache** – Thanks very much for reviewing, this is the last chapter! I hope you enjoy.  
  
=-= _Paprika90_ – Thanks for reviewing! This is the last chapter I'm afraid, and as for more romance, let's just say they end up together! I mean, they aren't exactly the most romantic of people, lol  
  
=-= **Karana Belle** – Yes, Norman is okay now I think. Drako probably got one of the Professors to repair his wing or something, knowing it. Lol, well I hope you like the ending, I'm not good with endings, so sorry if you're disappointed! I really hope you enjoy this chapter, thanks for reviewing, and thanks for your support!  
  
=-= _Some12_ – Wow, sounds like a fantastic party! I don't go to parties and such, I don't know why but I just don't like them. Heh, thanks for your support throughout the story! HUGZ  
  
=-= **cooldude9876** – Ah, your confusion probably won't be sorted out, nevermind, sorry. This is the last chapter, so . . . well, if you get frustrated because of your confusion, you could email and ask! I wouldn't mind!  
  
=-= _Spaced Out Space Cadet_ – Lol, yes, I hope you like this chapter just as much as the last! For this is the last of the last! Thank you for all your support, I appreciate it a lot!  
  
=-= **Midnight solitaire** – Well, actually, it's ending this chapter, and sorry if the humour lessened, it's very hard to write. Maybe you could help me someday to edit this and make it somewhat . . . 'funnier'? I honestly wouldn't mind to see what your ideas are. Thanks for reviewing by the way  
  
=-= _Eventuality_ – Yes, you shall find out in this final chapter of CLE! I hope you enjoy it, the ending's probably a little . . . weird? I don't know, I'm so not good with endings!  
  
=-= **Cereza** – Lol, I've already brought out another fic! Too Much To Ask is my new fanfiction, it's going to be short compared to many others and it's very nearly done I think, I'm not actually that sure. Lol, maybe Harry is going to that tea party . . . we could drag him there . . .. hehehe  
  
=-= _Elvinscarf_ – Ah the last chapter, thanks for reviewing, you'll have to read on to find out what Draco says!  
  
=-= **Tears-That-Fall** – Well, wasn't it good all the way through? I just wanted to end it before everything just fell apart, you know, quit while you're ahead. Sooner or later, everyone would have to get bored, and I just don't want that to happen! I hope the ending's okay . . .  
  
=-= _Sunflower18_ – Yeah, this chappie has more of what Draco thinks, so that's just a slight tweak, it's not really that different. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
=-= **HappiGoLucki616 **– YAY! You managed to get on! I'm missing talking to you so much! Lol, thanks for reviewing and supporting me through everything, HUGZ  
  
=-= _Dragon-rose-vine_ – Here's the final chapter, I am so sorry that it took so long, and I hope the ending is at least satisfactory. I'm not very good with endings and I did try hard . . .  
  
=-= **Luna Gypsy** – Hehe, odd in a good way I hope, and at least it makes everything seem so unique! Thanks so much for reviewing, please do enjoy the chapter!  
  
=-=_ Zinok_ – Ah, there's a final experiment for this last chapter, I hope you enjoy it! I'm so sorry that it's ending, but it has to end sometime and I want to quit while I'm ahead. Thank you for reviewing so much!  
  
=-= **Temper** – Sorry the chapter took so long! But at last, it is here! I hope it was worth the wait, lol, enjoy!  
  
=-= _Mymione_ – Thank you very much! I think I've emailed you, here is the next chapter and I really hope that it's okay and not too forced!  
  
=-= **midnitejewel 4eva** – Thank you, I hope this chapter is HELL GOOD too! I'm so sorry that it took like, forever, but I couldn't seem to write anything.  
  
=-= _anonymous_ – Lol, there are kissing scenes, three I think in the entire fanfic! Lol, not a lot, but there you are, I'm a bit . . . touchy? With kissy scenes, so hard to write and there's a near kissing scene in this chapter! I'm sorry it's ending, but it has to end sometime! Thanks for reviewing and supporting me!  
  
=-= **pyroprincess4rmeverwood **– You changed your name, right? Lol, I thought that I might as well thank this name, seeing as it's what you reviewed in! Thanks for reviewing and I hope you enjoy!  
  
=-= _Smileyface1314_ – Aw man, thanks for reviewing! I can't thank you enough for supporting me and stuff like that, I'm going to miss this fic as well, even if it did give me my first batch of authors block!  
  
=-= **Burgundyred** – I like your long-winded reviews! They amuse me, lol, and they're definitely better than some reviews that I won't mention. Lol, I love Will and Grace, Jack and Karen are my favourite, they're hilarious. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well, it is, after all, the last. The ending will hopefully be okay (or at least better than 'Does my bum look big in this?') and thank you for being one of the few reviewers that's reviewed from early on and are still reviewing now! THANK YOU SO MUCH!  
  
=-= KrAzYkEwLgUrL – Thanks for reviewing, here's the update and sorry if it took too long!  
  
=-= **Fairy lights** – Ah, maybe you'll be pleased to hear that there is one last experiment before this fic ends! I really hope you like this chappie, and thanks for reviewing so much!  
  
=-= _Shoshi _– Aw thanks, I hope this chapter won't let you down, it was very hard to write and in a way I'm glad this is ending but in a way I'm not, if that made any sense at all! Thanks again for reviewing!  
  
=-= **Fluff **– I'm broke as well, for some reason, I don't seem to have gotten paid in a long time. I'm blaming it on my phone bill. Thanks for reviewing, I hope you update soon, I'm sure I'm not the only one looking forward to the next chapter of The Bachelor!  
  
=-= _TOM-FELTON-IS-SEXY_ – How is it Christmas? Lol, I like Fred better, I have to say, I don't know why, he seems more humorous, I guess. Thanks for the review!  
  
=-= **the Lady Katherine** – Lol, yes, well, at least you've reviewed now! It's the end and well, tears all around? Maybe, lol, thanks for the review though and good luck in that theatre class (if you're still doing it)  
  
=-= _Smrt Cids_ – Cheers, or thanks, whichever, I hope you enjoy this chapter as well, and review if you have the time to!  
  
=-= **Damia Alders** – Okay, I don't know if you've read as far as this, but it's worth thanking you for reviewing anyway! I don't really care if you like my name or not, because I like Ron and that's all that matters, it's your opinion if you don't. Thanks again by the way!  
  
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: A happy ending?  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing to do with Harry Potter. The people in the plot are mostly not mine, although the plot is most definitely mine. Suggestions from reviewers are also contained in this fic, therefore, some part of it, has to be with my reviewers. Thank you to all of you who understand what I am saying.  
  
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Hermione sighed. How low had she stooped?  
  
It was now the beginning of another new day, and she had had to sleep in the corridor outside her room, just to avoid Draco. THEN, she had had to wake up especially early to avoid those annoyingly cheery morning people. She had then decided to merely wait in the classroom until yet another experiment would begin. After all, it wasn't like she was dressed just in her underwear or something.  
  
She had forgotten to bring any books or any kind of entertainment, and it was too early for Madam Pince to unlock the library doors, so, Hermione was stuck thinking to herself about pointless things like 'When do they actually clean the ceiling?' or maybe something like 'Wow, it's light but there's no windows!' and now she was pondering over a question she couldn't really answer.  
  
How low had she gotten, exactly?  
  
Well, first, she had fallen for Draco Malfoy, the guy who had tormented her and her friends ever since they came to Hogwarts, and then, she had even dared to actually tell him. Oh, and of course, it didn't end there; she had then asked him out, not even privately, but in front of the entire population of 7th years in Hogwarts.  
  
"Ugh . . ." Hermione groaned, she tried hard to remember if anyone had put something in her breakfast. Well, if anyone had, it had to be her Aunt, who was even more desperate to sell her off to someone than even her own mother was.  
  
'What to do now,' she thought to herself, after coming to a conclusion that it must be her Aunt. After all, she was even trying to murder her with all those freaky broom experiments (not to mention putting her with someone like Lee as well).  
  
Sighing, she groaned again and prayed that the feelings she had for Draco would just go away. They were way too strong to ignore (like when someone's driving through a farm and that strong smell of manure whiffs up again . . .), and it was really beginning to wear her out . . .  
  
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Draco and Drako made their way towards the classroom. It had been absolute HELL without Hermione. Drako had had horrible nightmares, apparently about some ugly people who looked just like Draco, and he had crept into the same bed as Draco, scaring the living daylights out of him.  
  
"I'm sorry," Drako sighed, grabbing onto Draco's arm, "I didn't mean to scare you by crawling into your bed! But honestly, I had this nightmare, and this guy who looked like you was trying to kill me!!! I guess I was stupid, I mean, YOU would never kill ME!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Yeah . . ." Draco rolled his eyes. If he weren't going to get punished for murder, Drako would have been dead weeks ago.  
  
Drako grinned happily and flung his arms around Draco, hugging him tightly. Draco continued to walk, trying to ignore the fact that he was beginning to suffocate.  
  
"I LOVE YOU, DRACO!!!!"  
  
Draco tried to wriggle out of Drako's grasp, but found, to his horror, that it only made him hug him tighter.  
  
'People are beginning to stare . . .' Draco thought, scowling and glaring at everyone who scuttled past. Harry and Ron, along with their partners and 'children' hurriedly walked past, mumbling something along the lines of, 'So that's why he won't go out with Hermione . . .'  
  
"Shut up! GOD DAMN YOU!!!!!!" Draco tried his best to shout, but only came out with a squeak. If he died, he'd make sure SOMEONE grew up into a lawyer so that they could sue Drako for murder!  
  
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Draco and Drako soon arrived at the classroom, where they found two empty seats on either side of Hermione. Draco sat to her right and hoped that she would notice him. Instead, she did exactly the opposite, and pretended that he wasn't there. He scowled and was about to speak when Dr Granger suddenly stood and coughed loudly to gather everyone's attention.  
  
"I have some good news, and some bad news today," She said, her voice unusually wobbly and her eyes slightly more googly, "The good news is that there shall be another experiment today that is, hopefully, a lot safer than the experiment yesterday! By the way, Hermione darling, yesterday we were experimenting with new charms and such with a new brand of wand!! Of course, it was very fun, but the wands went all weird on us and I'm afraid that's how Seamus over there has got a larger head than usual."  
  
Seamus' head was as big as a giant onion, or maybe an enormous pumpkin. Either way, it didn't look very . . . pleasant.  
  
"But, I'm afraid the bad news is that 'we', and by we I mean me, Serena, Lee and the rest of these wonderful people in professional looking white lab coats, shall be leaving you all after today's experiment! Christmas is drawing ever nearer, and I'm afraid the great witch doctor has only given us until Christmas to give her the results of all our experimenting. The fact that we don't actually know where she lives means that it will probably take us a few weeks to find her headquarters. We'll have to travel slowly as well, seeing as it is so awfully hot in a place like Africa."  
  
Dr Granger rolled her eyes and paused, making sure everyone was still awake (it was, after all, very early in the morning – 9:30 is early to people who aren't exactly active!), "But just in case any side effects happen when we leave, Serena here will give you all a leaflet that has my personal mobile number on it, so you can all contact me and tell me what's happened to you! That way, I can warn the witch doctor of any freaky happenings!"  
  
Serena smiled happily and began handing out a leaflet to everyone sitting at a table. Draco looked suspiciously at his leaflet, and realized that it was definitely a muggle printing as none of the pictures moved.  
  
"Interesting that they only have information on how to contact them and they don't even say how to actually cure what 'unusual' side effect you get . . ." Draco mumbled to himself, pocketing the leaflet.  
  
"Now that everyone has a leaflet, let our Professor for today – Professor McGonagall – explain what our experiment shall be!"  
  
Whether Professor McGonagall had actually accompanied the students on any 'experiment trips' before, no one really cared. Draco guessed that she was probably the only one brave enough to volunteer for chaperoning the last day of testing.  
  
"Behind me are some sprinkles. They are different shapes, sizes, colors, and maybe even not sprinkles at all. However, most of you shall be taking different sprinkles. They only last for two hours, so no matter what shapes you change into or what pain you go through, it will only last for two hours. Now, please form a orderly line between that table and me."  
  
Everyone got up as quickly as they could so that they could go to get the best possible sprinkles. Hermione, along with everyone else, could only pray that the sprinkles wouldn't kill her.  
  
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It was now the afternoon. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing, and Drako, along with the rest of the 'little people' had been dragged away towards a special 'Hogwarts nursery'. What could go wrong? Well, a hell of a lot, because the sprinkles that everyone had taken was now beginning to take effect.  
  
One Slytherin boy had taken some sprinkles that made him invisible, and now he went around pinching all the girls' butts while most of the people in white coats went around chasing him with large fishnets. A Ravenclaw girl had grown to be as tall as one of the tallest towers in Hogwarts, and poor old Neville's nose had even changed into the shape of a life size broomstick.  
  
Ron's hair had grown so that it was even longer than Rapunzel, and Harry had turned into a talking rabbit. Draco, had taken a pretty good sprinkle, compared to many other people. His voice had become awfully loud, so loud that if he tried to shout now, he could cause an earthquake.  
  
Hermione's sprinkles did . . . well, no one really knew, for she had appeared to disappear since she had taken them.  
  
Draco had been searching for her for a while now, trying to get her to listen to what he had to say. Maybe then he didn't have to face utter humiliation (like how she had) just to tell her his answer. He had planned to do something along the lines of what she had done for him, just to make it even.  
  
'Damn conscious,' Draco thought to himself, 'Hold on a minute . . . since when did I have a conscious?' Of course, he couldn't really say it aloud, otherwise people from every single room in Hogwarts would be able to hear him talking to himself.  
  
Speaking of rooms, he had just walked past a peculiar looking door with a strange baby drawn on it, when he heard a familiar voice screaming . . .  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I'M NOT GOING INTO THE BABY ROOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO – OOOOOOO, COOKIE!!!!"  
  
Draco sighed as he watched Drako being dragged into the 'baby room', Professor Dumbledore holding a cookie in his hand, making Drako follow him, his tongue stick out at an odd angle.  
  
He raised an eyebrow and began to speed walk towards one of the towers in Hogwarts. Maybe Hermione was there? He certainly hoped she was, all this walking was beginning to wear him out.  
  
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Now, in reality, Hermione had not become invisible like that perverted Slytherin boy. She had . . . SHRUNK. Yes, she was hanging onto Draco's robe for dear life. She had shrunk so that she was so small, no one could see her, unless maybe using a microscope. She couldn't even walk on the floor, just incase someone stood on her.  
  
She practically smacked herself when she began to smell Draco's scent and smile to herself.  
  
'No Hermione, don't be stupid, just because you're hanging onto him and you can go explore any part of him without him noticing doesn't mean you have to think about it, damn it!'  
  
But no matter how hard she tried, Hermione just couldn't stop thinking about him.  
  
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Draco was sick and tired of searching. He stopped and sat on the stone floor, wondering what to do now. Of course, he could still somehow say his answer and then hope she heard. Even if he didn't try to shout, the entire school would hear what he said anyway!  
  
Slowly, he got up and decided that that was exactly what he was going to do. He looked for the nearest window (or nearest gap that was like a window), and stuck his head out of it. Hermione had already dented his pride. He couldn't exactly dent it anymore.  
  
'Yes, Draco, think positive!!! . . . . God damn you cheeriness!"  
  
He looked around and began to speak.  
  
"HERMIONE GRANGER, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, STAND UP." His voice boomed. He nearly hit himself when he realized that the window was directly above a lake, and that even if she did stand up, he couldn't see her anyway.  
  
"OKAY, THAT WAS STUPID," He said to no one in particular, "HERMIONE GRANGER, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, I, DRACO MALFOY, THE BIGGER ONE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, WILL NOW ANSWER YOUR QUESTION NOW!!!!!!!"  
  
He was hoping that maybe there would be some sign that SOMEONE had heard him at least, but no, there wasn't even a sound. Draco pouted and decided to continue anyway.  
  
"I, DRACO MALFOY, SAYS YES, TO HERMIONE GRANGER'S QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Silence. Surely SOMEONE had heard him, his voice was loud enough, that was for sure.  
  
"FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING AT LEAST!!!!!!!!!"  
  
But no one did. Draco tried to growl, but it came out as more of a very loud snarl. He sighed angrily and stormed off towards the library. He'd check there once again for Hermione, after all, it couldn't possibly do any harm.  
  
Meanwhile, Hermione was still hanging onto Draco's robe pocket. She was shocked, speechless, paralyzed, even. She had never expected him to actually say, YES???? Of course, she was overjoyed, but in a way, she didn't want to be near him when she turned big again – which was in exactly ten minutes. She immediately decided that it would be good to get off Draco, onto someone else and then scamper off somewhere where he couldn't find her.  
  
But then again, if she were on the floor, she would get trodden on . . .  
  
'Okay Hermione, stick to the walls, remember, no one walks on walls!'  
  
And so that was how it went, Draco to the library, and Hermione to the wall.  
  
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Hermione sighed and looked around the corner to check that Draco wasn't heading towards her. She had changed back into a big person quite a while ago, and since then she had been trying to stay away from Draco. Now that she was (technically) going out with him, she guessed that it would be best to start speaking to him, and not be cowardly and hide – after all, she was a Gryffindor, with bravery and boldness! That was much easier said then done . . .  
  
Suddenly, she heard footsteps and the sound of Draco's voice, calling her name. She began to panic, but just as she saw her Aunt coming from the opposite direction as Draco, she rushed into the nearest room – a small cupboard full of dust.  
  
'Please don't tell him where I am, Aunt Emi, PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING,' Hermione thought desperately. Surely her Aunt would be clever enough to figure out that she was hiding from him, right?  
  
"Why hello there, Mr Malfoy!" Dr Granger exclaimed cheerfully.  
  
"I'm sorry to disturb you . . . Doctor, but I'm looking for Hermione, have you seen her?"  
  
"Oh yes, of course! She just ran into that small cupboard full of dust over there! I don't know why, she must have gotten frightened about something, but don't tell whoever she's hiding from that she's there! Tata!"  
  
Dr Granger walked happily off as Hermione mentally prepared herself for what was coming. How ditzy could her Aunt possibly get? Draco opened the cupboard door and peered in, giving Hermione a look that obviously showed that he wasn't pleased with her.  
  
"I've been looking for you, where have you been???"  
  
"Oh just in Hogwarts, as usual - here, there, everywhere, you know the sort."  
  
"Hiding from me, I presume?"  
  
"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. You never know, I might be hiding from some unknown snake that's trying to kill muggle borns like myself!"  
  
"That was second year, too late to use that excuse now," Draco raised an eyebrow and took Hermione's hand, tugging her up, "It's because you heard what I said, right? That's why you're hiding from me!"  
  
"No, I never heard a word you're saying!"  
  
"You had to have heard what I was saying! THE ENTIRE SCHOOL HEARD!!!!!!"  
  
"Well, I'm not the entire school, am I?"  
  
"Oh yes, right, WHATEVER. YOU'RE PART OF THIS SCHOOL THOUGH, AREN'T YOU?"  
  
"Yes well, I still didn't hear you, you'll have to say it again."  
  
"Fine then, I will. I said that I would go out with you, happy now?"  
  
Hermione stood, shocked. She hadn't expected him to say it so easily. 'Damn Malfoy for being so unexpected!' She pouted as Draco smirked.  
  
"Is that pouting an invite to a kiss?"  
  
Hermione looked at Draco, slightly shocked. She stood there for a while, as Draco stepped closer towards her, taking her hands and leaning forward a bit more. As thoughts ran through her mind and blood rushed to her cheeks, she suddenly smiled.

It was a little strange, going out with the one person that she thought she had loathed, but still, it had been strange growing a beard but she got through it! Maybe she could have a happy ending after all . . . but then again, with a meddling Aunt, two best friends who didn't exactly like her new boyfriend, and some lasting side effects of an experiment (i.e. Drako), her ending couldn't exactly be a perfect vision of happiness now, could it?  
  
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**_FINAL AUTHOR NOTE:_**  
  
MWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH! And that is the end now people!!! I hope the ending was alright, I think it was better than the ending for Butt Big, which I think everyone agreed was disastrous . . . maybe I'll change that one day! Anyway, thank you to everyone who has EVER reviewed this fanfiction. **I THANK ALL OF YOU, EVEN IF YOU ONLY REVIEWED ONCE! I ALSO THANK ANYONE WHO WILL (IN THE FUTURE) REVIEW THIS CHAPTER!!!** I can't really write an ending author note to say thanks to all of you who reviewed this chapter, so I'm afraid that'll have to do. But, if you ever need something, just email me!  
  
Oh and by the way, sorry for the long, long, LOOOONG, wait for this chapter though. I kind of . . . didn't feel like writing, so I had to have 'Too Much To Ask' (a newer fic that you are all very welcome to read) just to try and get over my block! Which is working by the way! 'Gems In The Eyes Of The World' hasn't been updated, and won't be for at least another week or two. I've written THREE PARAGRAPHS for that, so there you are.  
  
To all of you lovely readers, I just hope that even if you move onto bigger and better fanfictions than mine, you won't ever forget me!!!  
  
FAREWELL, AND GOOD DAY TO YOU ALL!


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